Proust Questionnaire By Maureen B. Ocks maureen_b_ocks@yahoo.com Disclaimer: The slug belongs to Vince Gilligan. No copyright infringement intended. Archive -- Like people are actually going to want to keep this masterpiece. If you do, please check you back for wounds and contact me at maureen_b_ocks@yahoo.com Spoilers: Roadrunners. Keywords: Vanity Fair every month runs this Proust Questionnaire -- they ask the same questions to a different celebrity each month. Here's one for the slug. Scullyfic challenge. x-x-x Vanity Fair, February 2001 Proust Questionnaire Silas Slug Considered by a small but intense group of Utah cultists to be the "Jesus Slug", 'Sliming' Silas Slug brings his own personality to each of his hosts. From a lost hitchhiker to a missing runaway and from a lonely drifter to a salesman who took a wrong turn, Silas has left his imprint on hundreds of hosts in the greater Utah area. Below, Silas reveals all, from his unfortunate gland condition to his dislike for TV names. What is your idea of perfect happiness? A healthy new host to call my own. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I can be a user. I often put my needs before those of my host. What is your favorite journey? From the base of the spine to the brain. What or who is the greatest love of your life? Sadly, mine is a lonely existence. I go from place to place without ever really getting the chance to find that one special slug. Where and when were you happiest? Those first few days in the brain when I know what is going on and am redecorating the place. Sure, there are seizures and fevers, but anything worth having is worth fighting for. Which historical figure do you most identify with? I am not a big student of history. I'm more a living in someone's here and now kind of a slug. What do you dislike most about your appearance? The slime. It is part of a glandular condition that is common in my family. Oh, sure, they always had plastic covers on the couch and runners on the rug but you just hate ruining your follower's housecoats, slip covers and bed spreads. It seems rude. What is the trait you most deplore in others? I hate mean people. There is no need to be grumpy or yell at folks. A frown is just a smile turned upside down. What do you consider your greatest achievement? From 1968 until 1972, I lived in the same host. When I met him, Phil Greer was the largest man in the state of Utah. At 472 pounds, I was able to work my way into Phil's life, help him lose that unneeded 300 pounds and most of his natural bone mass. Richard Simmons wasn't the first man to help the heavy. Where would you like to live? I'd like to find a nice, well built host who enjoys the finer things in life -- a nice stereo system, maybe a 35 inch TV with a satellite dish, central air. Life here in the boonies leaves a little to be desired. What are your favorite names? While I rarely have a choice in my hosts' names, I do have some preferences. I like the classics -- Tom, Mike, Mary, Sue. Simple names, non-faddish. The faddish names -- there were dozens of "Tabithas" in the late 80's because of that "Bewitched" show -- never worked for me. What do you most value in your friends? An almost religious like devotion to me and my needs. Who are your favorite heroes in fiction? Dracula -- I like a guy who sees what he wants and sucks the life out of it. Who are your heroes in real life? Lawyers. How would you like to die? In my sleep, peacefully I hope. I know how I wouldn't like to die -- I would never want to be ripped out of a new host, flung across a bus and shot in front of my followers. What is your greatest fear? Being ripped out of a new host, flung across a bus and shot in front of my followers. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? A lawyer or IRS agent. Maybe a tax attorney. What amazes you the most? That people think I'm a god. I know I've had some wonderful P.R. -- you can't underestimate the value of good press and an easily fooled fan base -- but this life is more than a slug could ever hope for. What is your greatest regret? My work requires me to pick up stakes and move often. You just get comfortable in a place and it is time to move on. If you could be granted one wish, what would it be? That my followers are as happy with me today as they always have been. Good help is so, so hard to find. x-x-x Author's notes. Please be aware, I spent the whole day yesterday watching a Ryder truck driving from Palm Beach to Tallahassee. I'm easily amused and blame this all on election psychosis. All thanks and no blame belongs to Shari -- she is truly a great friend and a wonderful person. To the editors of Vanity Fair, please do not cancel my subscription. Feedback would be a bigger surprise than Scully giving slug boy her weapon. maureen_b_ocks@yahoo.com