Classic Comedy: Cold Turkey

Majesty: 	So; you are the famous musketeers.
Bathos: 	Yes, majesty; I am Bathos.
Majesty:	Bathos. What a beautiful name. Does that not mean the
descent from the sublime, poetic and noble, to the very depths of ridiculousness?

(SOMETHING LIKE A FART IS HEARD) (LAUGHTER)

Pathos:	…and I, ma’am, am Pathos which means provoking a sentiment of pity…
Majesty:	I’m sorry to hear that…
Pathos:	…and I’m an orphan. (Laughter)
Majesty:	Don’t push it Fat Boy! (more laughter)
Bathos:	Erm, this is the third musketeer, Davros.
Majesty:	Mmm. What an interesting name. Does that not mean creator of the Da-
		leks?
Davros:	(whirring sound: EXTERMINATE!!!)

Bathos:	Your majesty, we have reason to believe that the King has been kidnap-
		ped and imprisoned.
Davros:	INCARCERATE!!!
Bathos:	Yes, thankyou Davros. (Laughter) Imprisoned in an iron mask and that 
		Cardinal Richelieu…
Davros:	PRIMATE!!! (Laughter)
Bathos:	…is planning to take over the throne by replacing the King with a looka-
		like…
Davros:	IMPERSONATE!!! (Laughter)
Bathos:	Yes, thankyou Davros!

Majesty:	My musketeers, you must go to England to seek the aid of my English 
		allies ( Trumpets start of Foxhunting type of music …)
Pathos:	Let us make haste my friend and sail for England this very night. For 
		honour; for valour; for the future of sweet and noble…(FART sound) 
		(Laughter)

Davros:	(sound of galloping…whirring…) WAIT!! (Sound of sea rolling)

Bathos:	Ahoy there, captain! We are the three musketeers!
Captain:	Very well, jump aboard.
Bathos:	I’m afraid not monsieur: meet Davros.
Davros:	(whirring) CELEBRATE!!! (Laughter)
Captain:	Right, let’s get going. You there. Shove off.
Sailor:		Over here’s cap’n! Oh I see. Sorry. Sir, the men have got Moby Dick.
Captain: 	Hold the ship’s position. Harbour port!
Sailor:		Sir, this is the hardest port we’ve got.
Captain:	Where are the ?Boasins?
Sailor:		Sir, there’s a herd of them … that just came across the plane
Captain:	GRAB THE RUDDER! (human voice imitating a horse’s neigh of disappr-
		oval) (Laughter) (resigned voice) Where’s my tobacco?
Sailor:		Shag?
Captain:	No thanks; I’d rather just smoke. (Laughter).

Captain:	Look, is this just going to go on the whole voyage?
Sailor:		Probably sir, given the quality of the  material (Laughter)

Captain:	Strawbreen, quick??? !…let me to the mast.
Sailor:		Will it help captain?
Captain:	Who cares?! (LAUGHTER)
Pathos:	Come musketeers. Let us take shelter in the ship’s galley. Come on 
		men, downstairs. NO! Not you Davros! (Laughter as Davros tumbles 
		down)
Davros:	OH SHATE!! (Laughter)

MUSIC:	calm, soothing like in casino or cocktail bar.

Galleymn:	Hello. Welcome to the Galley. (Laughter)
Bathos:	Go pitch us with your finest ale will you. All for one - and one for the 
		road! (Glug, glug, glug)
Davros:	INEBRIATE!!!
Pathos:	How’s thatDavros?

Davros:	MY BEST MATE!!! (Laughter)

Bathos:	Show this picture again, will you.
Galleymn:	I’m sorry, we can’t return any of your pictures. But there’ll be a prize…
Sailor:		…LAND AHOY!!
Captain:	Throw the anchor overboard! (sound: AAAAhhhhh! Falling into sea - 
		water splashes). I said anchor!! (Laughter).

Narrator:	Meanwhile, as the brave musketeers disembarked, on the road ahead, 
a robbery is taking place.

Dturpin:	Kindly deliver. I am Dick Turpin.
Passerby:	You scoundrel, don’t you know Dick Turpin is a crime in this shire? (L)
Dturpin:	Your money or your life! (Laughter)
Passerby:	You’ll never have our money.
Dturpin:	Well, what can I have?
Passerby:	Well, let’s see. 10 Bars of Spanish gold; er, Queen of Spain’s beard…
Dturpin:	Er, yes…
Passerby:	…blender…
Dturpin:	…yes…
Passerby:	…patio set…
Dturpin:	…patio set, yes… (Laughter)
Passerby:	er, cuddly toy…
Dturpin:	yes…
Passerby:	…teaset…
Dturpin:	yep, got the teaset…

Bathos:	You there! We are the three musketeers! Why are you robbing these 
		good people?
Dturpin:	I am Dick Turpin…
Bathos:	You scoundrel! Don’t you kn…
Dturpin:	Oh yes yes yes. (Laughter) By jimee! Methinks you be French spies!
Bathos:	What, us?
Dturpin:	Yes! You three smell of garlic - and he smells of Dalek! (Laughter)
Pathos:	We will not stand for this!

Dturpin:	Then draw your weapon sir.

Pathos:	Will you return my drawing, sir?
Dturpin:	I’m sorry, we can’t return any of your drawings. (Laughter)

Pathos:	Then have it here sir…(draws sword and begins to fight)
AUDIENCE: 	Ah!…..Oh!…..Woooaah!
Dturpin:	Ooooooow! He’s killed me; didn’t he do well? (Laughter)
Passerby:	Thankyou good sirs, you’ve saved our lives. You’ve won our eternal grat-
		itude. (I’m sure). (Laughter) But let’s have a look what you coulda won. 
		(Gameshowwy music starts to play). (laughter).
Bathos:	Wait! I can tell by your rings that you are allies of France!
Psserby:	Yes! I’m the French ambassador, Viscount Biscuit (laughter)…these are
 the Bourbon kings and this is my hairless friend, Garibaldi. (Laughter)
 And this is my niece.
Davros:	FANCY-HER-GATE!!!
Pathos:	My dear Viscount, we are the three musketeers. The Queen requires 
		your assistance.
Viscount:	I’ve given them the day off.
Pathos:	Then will you help us?
Viscount:	Of course. To France men!
Bathos:	ALL FOR ONE - TO SEE YOU NICE! (Laughter)
Davros:	(whirring) WAIT!!!

Viscount:	Behold musketeers, the castle where the king is being held.
Bathos:	You in there. We are the three musketeers. We’ve come to rescue the 
		king. Send the drawbridge back or we’ll attack.
Anncr:		I’m sorry, we can’t send any of your drawbridges back.
Bathos:	Open up, or we’ll storm the castle.
MUSIC:	ascending, staccato trumpet sound - female voice: Sorry. The Castle you 
		are storming, is currently unassailable.(Laughter)
Pathos:	Right, ambassador, throw the chocolates. (trampoline-like sound)
Anncr:		Ambassador, you foil us with your chocolates (breaking sounds)
Pathos:	Your majesty, the king. We have come to rescue you.
King:		(Elvis-style voice) Thankyou very much (beginning bar of Jailhouse Rock) 
		
(Laughter) God Bless You musketeers. I’ll be right with you - just finish 

		my bear-bathing.
 MUSIC:	low, ascending, staccato bear-like sound - female voice: The animal you
		are calling, know you are waiting. (Laughter).
King:		Well, you made an old man very happy.
Pathos:	Your Majesty, you’re too kind.
King:		I was talking to that page boy. (Laughter).
Bathos:	Well, we have completed our mission. The King is safe.
Pathos:	Now, where is that sly, old Davros?.
Bathos:	He’s outside, trying to dunk the viscount’s niece. Here they come now!

Niece:		Ofcourse I will be your wife, Monsieur Davros. You’re very charming.
Davros:	INGRATIATE!!!
Niece:		Are your intentions honourable?
Davros:	F***ICATE!!! (Laughter)

All laugh with Bathos’s deep voice resounding the most (ah-hah-hah….ah-hah-hah…) followed by a quick, FARTING sound. 																

BATHOS: Stop it. (Rapturous applause and laughter)

Transcript brought to you by  Max Sunrise 1998
After BBC Radio Four’s program, Cold Turkey broadcast on Dec 26 1997 on LW198

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