Essay Three : Musings of a Lost Soul

I am an inveterate fan of what I classify to be the best show since sliced bread: The X-Files, which I have been following for three and a half years now. However, my interest goes far beyond that simple curiosity of what’s "out there".

I believe that the X-Files - is also about life and man’s pursuit to reaching his goal at all costs, and so, Mulder, to me, is my hero as he vividly exemplifies this idea : his what Scully calls "relentlessness" in the episode "Apocrypha", is, I believe, a fitting description. If the truth be known, I wish I was more like Mulder than anything. Looks aside, there is a sincerity and conviction within him which I considerably lack : Mulder exudes it; I wish I could even emulate it.

Nevertheless, what just waxes me lyrical most of all about the X-Files, are the what I consider brilliant, marvelous themes which, though not shining in every episode, are most often than not, present. Which science-fiction show, for example, do any of you know have two men deep in discourse about democracy and the limitations of democracy- but be able to talk about it without the writers coming out too metaphysical or abstruse? I know of only one.

Yesterday’s episode, entitled Talitha Cumi, was of that same genre. In fact, when I was taking my dog for a wal last night, small snippets of the conversation between CancerMan and Jeremiah Smith - which some cognoscenti believe and assert to come straight out of Dostoevsky's The Grand Inquisitor - kept on flashing and popping all over the periphery of my brain.

CancerMan, in his discourse - we're talking DEEP here - with Jeremiah Smith begins : « This becomes a responsibility. The thing I am now called upon to put right and put down. Certainly, you expected nothing less ». Jeremiah Smith then says : « I am not ashamed of my actions » and CancerMan coldly retorts with anger that « Ashamed ? You’re not allowed the luxury of human weakness and penitence. You’re not allowed to put your indulgences ahead of the greater purpose ».

JSMITH : « I no longer believe in the greater purpose » CMAN : « Then your fate is just » JMITH : « My justice is not for you to mete out. You may have reason ; you have no right. You have no means either »

CancerMan consequently becomes angry and tells him, or rather reminds Jeremiah Smith that he « presumes to dictate duty to » him !... The tension, meanwhile, builds up between these two protagonists who play an equally important role in this particular X-files episode. This may be nothing, but I found it very interesting - worthy of a literary debate : « Men can never be free, because they’re weak, corrupt, worthless, restless. The people believe in authority. They’ve grown tired of waiting for miracle and mystery. Science is their religion. No greater explanation exists for them... »

It is my belief, and has been for some time now, that man, by nature, is unruly, fractious and evil, that is why man needs rules and regulations to guide him through life. Because, basically, without these, man would run an anarchic world in which death would be the ultimate punishment for the most petty of crimes. People would uselessly employ the notion of death to a person on the basis that they were worthless, corrupt - yet maybe the person would only probably be someone who may be disliked but not because he is necessarily a criminal. What I am leading to, is basically something like what we read for philosophy last week that the danger with democracy is that if it is idealized to be the symptomatic of free speech, then we are going to have the most outrageous and dangerous people on their pulpits advocating a minority view, say, the death of all people who are not of the Ayrian race, etc...

We need look no further than back into history to Hitler, and back into the literary world - or perhaps literature - with Lord of the Flies by William Golding. The thought of boys becoming such savages and bordering the brink of madness and murder is beyond belief, but yet all too credible; for example, the murderers of James Bulger attest to this frightening and harrowing idea.

The very nice quote made by David Duchovny - or Mulder - in the episode Grotesque was also ringing in my mind on Wednesday : We work in the dark.We do what we can to battle the evil that might otherwise destroy us, but if a man's character is his fate, this burden causes us to falter - breaching the fragile fortress of our minds, allowing the monsters without to turn within. Until we are left alone. Staring into the abyss. Into the laughing face of madness. »

Once again, I turn to the X-files to get my inspiration for a deeply psychological truism that we do really and actually work in the dark : we are surrounded daily by images of death, destruction, murder, evil - which sometimes almost seems to be trivialized inadvertently on television news. Moreover, we have to battle daily with ourselves - the need to get up, be motivated, be active and not reactive to the world, to our lives ; the ability to take control and take stock of our lives, of our destiny attests to this quotidian battle which, because of time, has almost seemed to be a matter of course, and hence almost imperceptible, purely because we do it automatically, like automatons working towards a problem. A goal ? A reward ? What ? As deep and metaphysical as this discourse may seem, it is intended not to, but basically question the pursuit of man and his endeavors : where is man now ? Where has he come from ? Where is he going and to whom must he account ?

The sad reality of the situation though is that man probably is good - whether by nature, good, I cannot say. I still do believe we work in the dark and are confronted with fears of failure when we are at school - hence the reason why at a very early age, we are taught to win, win , win so that we do not fail, lose sight of our objectives and meet face to face with the darker side of ourselves - the side which may be a "ticking time-bomb of insanity" *, the side which engenders us to hate, to be angry, to despise our fellow human beings, the side which can, worst of all, be driven to murder.

Life, it seems, is full of so many unanswered questions yet, who are we to question why we are here ? Who are we to judge each other when we wrong ? Why do we always blame God when things go wrong for us? Are we somehow justified though when we do so - for do we not simply exist rather than live? Who is pulling the strings of life? Is it us or a supernatural being? Is every hair on our head planned? Is every leaf which falls predestined to do so? Who are these keepers of the mystery, who have taken some curse upon themselves for the happiness of mankind ?

Max Sunrise 1997

* reference to Mulder by the character Jose Chung in the episode of Season 3 : "Jose Chung’s From Outer Space"