Lately there's been a lot of talk about Smider being a devious and underhanded player. Allegations of espionage and skullduggery abound. Well you don't know the half of it. What follows is from top-secret CIA files I was given access to by a friend who works in Langley. If asked they of course will deny it. The details are sketchy at best but this information HAS been corroborated.

1938: Smider as a young translator for English Prime Minister Chamberlain purposely transcribes the German language version of the Munich Pact incorrectly giving not only the Sudetenland to Hitler but all of Western Europe. Chamberlain is misled thinking he has only given away part of Checkoslovakia leading to his infamous "Peace in Our Time" speech and subsequent dismissal a year later as war breaks out.

1940: Drives a tank, holds a general's rank as the Blitzkrieg reigns and the bodies stink.

1940 Sinks the British battleship "Royal Oak" at Scapa Flow by methods unknown for practice. Credit given to German U-boat.

1940 Sinks most of the Italian Navy at Taranto by methods unknown for fun. Credit given to Royal Navy torpedo bombers.

1941 Sabotages battleship "Bismarck's" rudder leaving her at the mercy of The Royal Navy. Credit again to Royal Navy torpedo bombers.

1942 Botches design of fuel pump in new German Panther tank causing many unexplained fires and slowing production to a snail's pace.

1944 June 5th - calls off D-Day invasion. Eisenhower remounts invasion next day. Publicly blames weather foul up for delay. Privately sacks entire staff.

1944 Shoots down Glenn Miller's plane.

1944 Attempts Hitler's assassination. German officer corps takes blame.

1945 Shoots Hitler, poisons Eva Braun and steals Hitler's brain. Hitler believed to have committed suicide.

1945 Secretly feeds Hitler's brain to Josef Stalin as a fancy pate. Stalin gets diarrhea. Stalin shoots chef.

1947 Discover "Fountain of Youth" in Florida, effectively freezing his age at 25.

1950 Distracts Russian delegation while UN Security Council votes to defend South Korea. Russians sober up but can't locate or identify the culprit. Blame capitalist conspiracy. Stalin shoots Russian UN delegation.

1952 Convinces a young Elvis Presley to record a song for his mother as a birthday present. They celebrate afterward as Smider introduces Elvis to bourbon and percodans.

1953 Stalin gets irrefutable proof he ate Hitler's brain in 1945. Has heart attack and dies.

1954 Rigs UN election in Vietnam. Ho Chi Minn wins anyway.

1956 Rigs UN decision to void 1954 election in Vietnam. His decision to divide the country goes virtually unnoticed by the rest of the world.

1957 Designs the Edsel. It surprisingly doesn't kill Ford Motor Company.

1958 Gets Jerry Lee Lewis's 13 year old niece pregnant, convinces Lewis it's his child and is best man at the wedding that derails Lewis's career straight into a 10 year long drainage ditch.

1960 Applies Richard Nixon's makeup prior to first televised presidential debate. Nixon angrily wipes off makeup stating he won't go on TV looking like "fucking Sophia Loren". Instead Nixon goes on TV looking like an unshaven bum. Nixon loses election by 50000 votes, blames Chicago vote fraud. Smider seen toasting Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley late that night at victory party. They celebrate as Smider introduces Daley to glue sniffing.

1961 As liaison between the White House and CIA he convinces JFK to launch the Bay of Pigs invasion. He assures JFK no American troops or aircraft will be needed. Convinces the CIA and Defense Department that Kennedy is enthusiastic supporter and will nuke Havana if need be. Debacle ensues. Kennedy vows never to take the CIA's word again. CIA vows have not been published as of this writing.

1962 Doctors U-2 photos showing nonexistent Russian missiles in Cuba. JFK launches blockade. Russians "back down". Smider gives away US missiles in Turkey anyway. Neither US public or Kennedy is informed.

1963 Introduces Stu Sutcliff, the fifth Beatle to unknown carcinogenic substance. Rest of the band demurs. Sutcliff dies of brain tumor.

1963 Smider is seen loitering behind a fence on the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza before JFK is shot. Later that day he botches secret autopsy mutilating body and destroying evidence on Air Force One going back to Washington.

1964 Advises LBJ to widen war in Vietnam.

1966 Drowns Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones in his own pool. Drug abuse is blamed.

1966 Introduces Bob Dylan to the Beatles. All celebrate as Smider introduces all to LSD.

1966 Botches hemarroid surgery and kills head of the Russian moon rocket program, effectively ending space race to the moon. Cream of Russian rocket scientist corp skimmed off to work on ICBM missile designs.

1967 Brainwashes Presidential candidate George Romney during fact finding tour of Vietnam.

1968 Writes "Sympathy for the Devil", sells it to Mick Jagger for an undisclosed sum.

1968 Living in Memphis for a few months adopts the name "Raoul" and is seen associating with James Earl Ray.

1968 Kills Paul McCartney by distracting him while the light changes and then blowing his mind out in Paul's car. Takes his place as bass player in the Beatles.

1968 Seen fleeing the back of the Ambassador West Hotel in L.A. the night Bobby Kennedy is shot.

1968 As Chicago parks commissioner refuses camping permits in Lincoln Park to Yippies during Democratic convention. Incites riot by dressing as policeman and attacking TV news camera crew.

1969 Seeds clouds in upstate New York and causes deluge at Woodstock Music and Art Festival.

1969 At Altamont Music Festival he punches Marty Balin of Jefferson Airplane and knocks him unconscious. Then knocks over motorcycle owned by Hells Angel member and blames black music lover, riot ensues.

1970 Advises Nixon to bomb Cambodia saying "No one will care".

1972 Plants stories about Senator Edmund Muskie's wife's lunacy in newspapers causing the Senator to break down in tears in front of TV cameras and subsequently drop out of the race.

1972 While under the influence of numerous drugs, orders the break-in at Democratic Party HQ in the Watergate office building and then having an immediate change of heart anonymously informs local police department. Realizing quickly that the trail leads directly back to him he then orders a massive coverup.

1972 Gives Senator Thomas Eagleton clean bill of health after cursury check of medical records. Weeks later after Eagleton is chosen as George McGovern's running mate it is revealed that Eagleton underwent years of electroshock therapy. Smider's response is: "hasn't everybody?". Immediately fired by McGovern campaign. Large slushfund check from CREEP arrives in his secret Bahamian bank account.

1973 John Dean, the President's lawyer refers to him in conversation with Nixon as "a cancer on the presidency".

1973 As Deepthroat advises Woodward and Bernstein to follow the money.

1973 Shoots Chilean President Salvador Allende six times in the back. Army states it was done in self defense and takes credit.

1973 Peace Treaty signed. Henry Kissinger declares "Peace in our time". US troops begin leaving Vietnam. Smider assures communist victory by siphoning off all training funds for South Vietnamese armed forces. Buys South Vietnamese Vice President Key a Holiday Inn in San Diego as a token of affection.

1974 Invents video cassete recorder. Only licenses manufacturer to Japanese firms. Japanese Prime Minister Hashimoto buys him a Cadillac. Smider trades it for a Kawasaki 900 and the Canadian Thai stick franchise.

1975 A smitten Smider steals all of Margaret Trudeau's undergarments leading to infamous Studio 54 "beaver shot" photos of Canadian Prime Minister's wife.

1975 North Vietnamese overrun South, inherit world's 3rd largest air force. Smider leaves on last helicopter out of Saigon.

1976 Advises Gerald Ford before presidential debate to state firmly that "Poland is not now, nor would ever be during the Ford administration under the influence of the Soviet Union".

1977 As head of procurement at the Pentagon he orders the development of the Sgt. York self propelled anti-aircraft gun. During test in front of Senate Armed Services Committee the prototype obliterates a portable latrine. Helicopter target drone is destroyed when it runs out of fuel and crashes into prototype. After years of cost overruns project is canceled.

1979 In Tehran as special secret envoy for Jimmy Carter trying to end the oil embargo Smider is taken hostage by Iranians. Escapes and negotiates the secret "October surprise" hostage release with Reagan's minions so that the hostages will be held until the day Reagan is inaugerated in 1980 thus insuring Reagan's election.

1979 Tires of Leonid Brezhnev as premier of the USSR and kills the geezer with a loud clap of his hands.

1980 Inauguration day and Smider, Ollie North, Ronald Reagan, and John Poindexter decide to continue arms for hostages deal. Iranian agents oblige by taking any American stupid enough to show up on the streets of Beirut hostage.

1980 Outraged that John Lennon would ignore his threats and resume his recording career Smider kills the ex-Beatle. Mark David Chapman takes blame.

1982 As Defense Minister of Argentina Smider has a sudden hankering for mutton and invades the Falklands Islands, a godforsaken little place in the South Atlantic owned by Britain and inhabited by 300 Englishmen and 4 million sheep. He renames them the Malvedes which is "Legolambville" in Spanish. An incensed Maggie Thatcher, suffering from hot flashes and testosterone poisoning from injections to counteract menopause rises to the bait and mounts massive counter-invasion. After a last ditch effort by Smider to convince France to invade England fails, he joins the English navy and is seen singing "Always Look on the Brighter Side of Life" from Monty Python movie "The Life of Brian" with English sailors as their destroyer sinks slowly into the South Atlantic.

1984 Michael Jackson's hair catches fire during shooting of Pepsi commercial. Smider is fired as hair stylist and laser lighting director.

1984 Drinks Richard Burton under the table where Burton takes a dirt nap.

1984 Busy as a north country beaver, Smider tires of Brezhnev's successor Yuri Andropov and kills him with a slap on the back stopping his heart like a rusty $2 dollar watch.

1985 Konstantin Chernenko, Andropov's successor turns out to be no fan favorite either. Smider kills him by showing him photos of a naked Raisa Gorbechev causing a stroke the likes of which had not seen been seen in the Soviet Union since Lenin tried to outdrink Smider's father back in 1921.

1986 In Chernobyl, Ukraine Smider gets drunker than a Politburo member with the night crew at the local nuclear powerplant and together they find out Russian designed reactors don't go to "11".

1986 As White House liasson to NASA Smider urges the space commission to launch the space shuttle Challenger in below freezing temperatures so Reagan can make reference to it in his State of the Union speech the next day. Reagan does but not the way he'd hoped. Needless to say Smider goes looking for work again.

1986 As marketing director at Coca Cola Smider loses a bet by urinating in a bottle, adding food color and sugar and then introducing the "New" Coke. It almost kills the company and of course does kill Smider's chance for advancement within one of the world's biggest purveyors of junk food.

1987 William J. Casey head of the CIA dies suddenly of a brain tumor. Many unanswered questions about the Iran Contra affair go with him. Large sum of money is transferred into Smider's Bahamian account from Ollie North.

1987 Black Monday. Smider finally gains control of the New York Stock Exchange through blackmail, sex and drugs. By manipulating program trading and portfolio insurance he causes the single largest percentage loss on the Dow in one day. Rich farts weep. Sales of gold plated Rolexes and Mercedes Benz plunge. The rest of the world doesn't notice.

1988 Smider sits out the US presidential election though many see his hand at work in Michael Dukakis's dimwitted campaign. Bush wins in a landslide.

1989 After an all night drinking binge with the captain of the Exxon Valdez, Smider takes the helm and promptly runs it aground in Prince William Sound Alaska dumping 11.2 million gallons of crude oil into the sea. Smider is quietly fired and a ridiculously large sum appears in his Bahamian checking account believed to be from ARAMCO Oil.

1990 Milli Vanilli's meteoric career crashes when Smider puts on the wrong tape to open their last concert and the boys are forced to lip synch a Barbara Streisand and Bette Midler duet. Smider consoles Rob Pilatus by introducing him to heroin.

1990 As Undersecretary of State Smider advises April Glasby, the Ambassador to Iraq to tell Saddam Hussein the US "doesn't get involved" in inter-Arab disputes. Hussein takes this as carte blanche to invade Kuwait.

1992 On a junket to Asia with George Bush, Smider is demoted to cook after advising Bush to return the 2 finger backward peace sign to all Australians. Bush is horrified to learn upon leaving Brisbane he has been unwittingly inviting the whole continent to "eat" him. Smider then botches the President's sushi at a state dinner in Tokyo causing Bush to vomit in the lap of the prime minister of America's largest trading partner. Bush earns nickmame "Pukosan" in Japan.

1993 Smider sits behind home plate during the last game of the World Series flashing a mirror in Mitch Williams eyes causing him to give up the game and series winning homerun to Joe Carter of the Blue Jays.

1994 In an effort to cheer up a meloncholy Kurt Cobain, Smider takes him out for a little hunting excursion. At the end of the day a bouyant Cobain borrows Smider's shotgun. Smider assures him it is easy to clean (no manual required) and not to worry about the hair trigger.

1997 In December Frank Sinatra has a major heart attack after Smider introduces him to Metalknights and Frank goes on a 37 hour MK binge. Smider intensifies Frank's training leading to rumors of Alzheimer's disease as Frank stays hunched over the computer for days at a time.

1998 Smider AKA Paul McCartney tires of Linda and introduces her to a carcinogenic substance.

1998: In a brilliant surprise move Smider nukes Sinatra's base and surrounds it with grizzlies. Sinatra's heart infarqs like a runaway locomotive and he dies mumbling "I'm losing" when asked by his wife, another MK addict, how the game is going.

Get booted off the server? That's Smider taking a quick peek at your game. Net seem slow tonight? That's Smider hogging all the bandwidth going on line with his new Cray supercomputer. The CIA concludes he is a huge security problem but since the death of William Casey, has been strangely silent on the subject.