- All telephone numbers in America begin witht he numbers 555...

 - If being chsed through town, you can usually take cover in a St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

 - All beds have special L-shaped sheets, that come up to the armpits on a woman, but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

 - All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

 - It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there's someone in the control tower to talk you down.
 
 - Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

 - The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place.  No one will ever look for you there, and you can travel to any other part of the  building you want without difficulty.

 - If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammo - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

 - During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

 - You'er very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing a picture of your honey back home.

 - Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do fine.

 - If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, your mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.

 - The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

 - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating of his life, but will wince when a woman trys to clean his wounds.

 - If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

 - When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one a t random and hand it over, it'll be the exact amount.  Or just don't pay at all.

 - Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

 - Kitchens don't have light switches.  When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

 - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

 - Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but always say: Enter Password Now.

 - Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their families every morning, even though the family never has time to eat it.

 - Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

 - The chief of police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

 - A single match will be sufficient enough to light a room the size of a sports stadium.

 - Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

 - Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

 - Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

 - It is not necessary to say hello, or goodbye, when beginning or ending phone conversations.

 - Even when the road is perfectly straight, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously form left to right every few moments.

 - All bombs are fitted with the same electronic timing devices.  With large red read-outs so that you know exactly when they're going to go off.

 - It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting - even in New York.

 - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

 - If you decide to start singing and dancing in the middle of the street,  everyone you bump into will know all the words to the song you're singing, and the steps to your dance.

 - Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

 - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around ina threatening manner until you have knocked out their commrades.

 - Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberatly assigned to a partner who is their complete opposite.

 - Even when they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak english to each other.

 - You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 - Any lock can picked in seconds with a credit card or a paper clip - unless it's the door to a burning building with a chilld trapped inside.

 - Television-news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. 

 - When the phone rings, you must gaze at it for at least 30 seconds, preferably with an expression of intense fear, interest, or expectation, before answering it.

 - Germans, Soviets, Arabs, and Asians, cannot shoot the broad side pf a barn, especially when they're aiming at Americans.

 - Snow never melts on eyelashes.

 - Most Canadian movies are shot in small rooms or in parking lots and garages late at night.

 - No matter how old a corpse is, it's blood is always bright red.

 - You can spot a second-rate monster movie when there's far more camrera time devoted to the sight of humans screaming wide-mouthed than to the monsters themselves.

 -  In a "domestic kitchen scene" the characters are always chopping up 12 kinds of vegetables (red peppers, leeks), usually accompanied by a half-glass of $16.00 Merlot.  There are no Pizza Pops in the house.

 - Only men smoke cigarettes and these are never stubbed out.  Also, glasses of liquor or wine are always left half finished.  If a woman smokes or drinks, you know she's either emotionally disturbed or wil be killed within the next 15 minutes.

 - In movies involving the elements, women always misplace their shirts and are reduced to wearing underwear.

 - While fleeing an attacker in a wooded area, women always fall down.  But while running down a city street in four-inch heels, they remain upright.