| THE NEW 1999 FORD R.E.C.T.U.M. |
| First there was the recreational vehicle, known as the R.V. Then came the A.T.V., an all-terrain vehicle. Today there is the Sports Utility Vehicle, or S.U.V. Here at Ford we've taken the roominess of the RV, the off-road ruggedness of the ATV and the high-priced snobbishness of the SUV to create an entirely new automobile for the non-suburban citizen. The new Ford R.E.C.T.U.M.!!! The REdneck Carry-all Truck and Utility Machine!!! Load your RECTUM with fire-wood. Crash your RECTUM through dense forest or drive your RECTUM uptown for a night out. And with a 50,000 horse-power engine, you'll haul ass no matter where you go! Designed with a patented new ball hitch, your RECTUM can dispose of the largest loads with the greatest of ease--nothing's going to slow you down! Off-road? Way off-road! Utility Vehicle? Futility vehicles, compared to the 1999 Ford RECTUM! Car & Vulgar Driver Magazine says: "We predict that soon every asshole will want a new RECTUM!" The Breweries of Rural America & Assorted Pubs (BRAAP! ("Excuse me.") for short) has given its seal of approval to the built-in beer cooler. And Stihl raves over the Paul Bunyon Chain-Saw Bumper, engineered to cut down trees up to 2 feet in diameter at speeds up to 65 miles per hour. Drinking and off-road driving have never been more fun! And to add to the mix, the new indoor/outdoor gun cabinet, courtesy of Smith & Wesson. Out of gas? Out of beer? Just fire off a few rounds at the wildlife and help is on the way!!! The new 1999 Ford RECTUM!!! Shiny new models on display in your local dealer-ship! Treat yourself to a new RECTUM today! Lease terms are $100 at signing, plus 600 payments of $60 each. Mobile home trade-ins not accepted. The letter "X" is accepted as a legal signature in all states except Hawaii. Hunting license may be used in lieu of driver's license in some states and counties. See contract for large print. |