And if I have to put up with it, you should too. Here's some of the lowlights:
***The 1999 Darwin awards!!!!!!!!(Yes, I know using more than one
exclamation point is grounds for expulsion from the gene pool.
But I'm doing it for effect. It's that kind of subtle irony that
makes this page great)
> > The 1999 DARWIN AWARDS
>
> > The first candidate!
> > Already, the first candidate for the 1999 Darwin Awards is
> circulating > on > the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon
> (the remains of) > individuals who have given their all in an effort to
> improve our gene > pool. > The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made
> the ultimate sacrifice of > killing themselves by the most extraordinarily
> stupid means. The Awards > commemorate those who find innovatively
> moronic ways of killing > themselves, > thereby helping to eliminate
> undesirable weaknesses from the human gene > pool. > And so, without
> further ado, the first candidate for '99:
> >
> > MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) -
> A 39-year-old Charlottesville Man died > Thursday in a freak
> accident involving his washing machine. > According to police reports,
> Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry > when he tried to speed up
> the process. Strickson apparently tried to > stuff > approximately 50
> pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing
> > on > top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into
> the basin. > Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing
> machine's ON > button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his
> balance and both
> > feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The
> machine > started > its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself,
> started thrashing > around > as the machine's agitator went into gear.
> Strickson's head banged
> > against a > nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a
> bottle of bleach, > which > poured over Strickson's face, blinding him.
> Forensic reports say > Strickson > apparently also swallowed some of the
> bleach. He then vomited, but was > still > unable to free himself.
> Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the > laundry room. At about
> the same time, > according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from
> the shelf, > startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar,
> is acidic, > and > the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking
> soda resulted in
> "a > small explosion," according to police ports. The dog, however,
> escaped > unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing > machine,
> which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning > Strickson
> around at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic > experts. >
> Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing >
> machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and >
> called > 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.
>
> 1999 DARWIN AWARD nominations:
>
> GRAVITY KILLS...
> A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after > he > tried
> to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each > end) >
> to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax >
> County > (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped
> a bunch > of > these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
> anchored the > other > end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped
> ... and hit the > pavement. > Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
> investigators think Barcia > was > alone because his car was found nearby.
> "The length of the cord that he > had > assembled was greater than the
> distance between the trestle and the > ground," > Carmichael said. Police
> say the apparent cause of death was "major > trauma." > An autopsy is
> scheduled for later in the week.
> >
> LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...
> Three young men in Oklahoma were > enjoying > the coming Fourth of
> July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire > some > fireworks.
> Their only real problem was that their launch pad and > seating >
> arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel >
> distillation > storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
> producing a > fireball > seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no
> doubt, countless > thousands > of feet into the air and were found dead
> 250 yards from their respective > seats.
> >
> DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...
> A lawyer and two of his > buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
> Texas. A lightning storm hit the > lake > and most of the fisherman
> immediately headed for the shore. But not our > friend the lawyer. He
> was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat > and > his buddies were
> in the front. > This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide
> (crucifixion style) and > shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"
> Needless to say, God > delivered
> > [well, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat
> survived and > are > said to have immediately joined the Ministry.
> >
> CATCH!...
> A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you > may >
> say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. >
> It > seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can
> > guess > what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award
> candidate) > was > hospitalized.
> >
> THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . .
> Not much was given to me on > this > unlucky fellow, but he
> qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a > gentleman from Korea who
> was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He > was > doing the usual
> "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and > managed > to
> somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide
> > to > drive and dial at the same time.
> >
> GIMME A LIGHT!...
> Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in > a >
> medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, >
> management > evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources
> of ignition - > lights, power, etc. After the building had been
> evacuated, two > technicians > from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
> entering the building, they > found they had difficulty navigating in the
> dark. To their frustration, > none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
> described the vision of one > of > the technicians reaching into his
> pocket, and retrieving an object that > resembled a lighter. Upon
> operation of the lighter-like object, the gas > in > the warehouse
> exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. > Nothing was
> found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually > untouched by the
> explosion. The technician that was suspected of > causing > the explosion
> had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
>
MILITARY CRAP EMAIL
People in the military love to bitch about their careers.
Subject: FW: Navy life
Date: Wednesday, November 04, 1998 9:06 AM
-----Original Message----- Monday,
November 02, 1998 7:08 PM
You'll only understand if you were on a ship. ENJOY!!!
I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that
think we live a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those family members that
have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is
glamorous.
I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy
life, right in the comfort of their own homes. Some of these I came up with
myself, and some other people came up with.
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the
walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it
out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest
part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar youcan, pay $10 per beer
until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200
degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much
water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read
it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight,
then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads
"Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053".
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you
to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up
all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is
up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and
family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the
next day.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home(i.e.
Dishwasher operator, blender technician,etc)
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15
minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This
is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3
times a day, whether they need it or not.
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning
you can get your hands on.
20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing
every 5th item.
21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and
the Weather Channel.
22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
24. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world
travel"
25. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
26. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead
bodies of your co-workers.
27. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
gone to bed.
28. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and
shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order
them to man their battle stations.
29. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour,
when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak,
but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily til they don't pay
attention to the menu any more they just ask for hot dogs.
30. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway.
Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
31. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for
"weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them
that Disneyland has been cancelled due to the fact that they need to get
ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the
house.
Put your family through these, and then let them tell you how glamorous Navy
life is.
98 DARWIN AWARDS SEPTEMBER 1998
They have finally been released! For those
not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual
honor given to the person who provided the universal
human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed
in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always,
competition this year has been keen again. Some
candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for
this event!
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck
and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head
first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker,
who -totally zoned when he ran,- according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his
daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as
he sat inside it.
Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun,
or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a
beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands as shovels, trying
to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge,
VA, but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an
hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was
killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
resulted when the long flashlight he had placed in his
mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA,
ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in
January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate
the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February
in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor,
Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died
in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game
of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a
100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his
grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where
another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to
kill millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle,
but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and
hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins,
attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement,
declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and
caused a fire that burned the frst and second floors of
his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover
Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was
also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew
up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out
the window to see what would happen, but they
apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. Taking -Amateur Night- Too Far: In Betulia,
Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five
days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was
killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including
one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, -It's just one bull against [a
town of] a thousand Morons.-
SOME MORE ALSO RANS
1. Four people were injured in a string of related
bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by
flying masonry,
Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash
and contusions on his chest, arms and face,
Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and
Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand
had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her
husband off for his first day of work
and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her
breasts at him.
-I'm still not sure why I did it,- she said later -I
was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone
would see.
-Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two
seconds-. However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost
control of his cab, running over the curb and into the
corner of the Johnson Medical Building.
Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning
Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the
building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums
with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down,
severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's
wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical
building.
2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison
control center after eating three birth-control vaginal
inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a
picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and
confirmed doctors suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers.
After the third one, she realized something was wrong
when her throat and mouth began to fill with a
sour-tasting foam.
She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few
blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam
from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was
released from a trauma center after having a cell phone
removed from his rectum. -My dog drags
the thing all over the house,- he said later. -He must
have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile,
tripped against the dog and sat down right on the
thing.-
The extraction took more than three hours due to the
fact that the cover to Mr. Mendozais phone had opened
during insertion. -He was a real trooper during the
entire episode,- said Dr. Dennis Crobe.
-Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be
enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction
his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it
that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we
finished, we really did expect to find an answering
machine in there-.
4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been
drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
discovered that no one had brought any bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, pointed out that a
coil of linemanis cable lay nearby.
One end of the cable was secured around Binghamis leg
and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen.
-All I can say,- said Bingham, -is that God was
watching out for me on that night. Thereis just
no other explanation for it.-
Binghamis foot was never located.
5. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and
his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games
when Christopher suggested spreading peanut
butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish
Setter, lick them clean.
Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at
Christopheris penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey
commands and a panicked Emily threw a bottle of perfume
at the dog.
The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with
perfume.
Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis.
While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car
to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring
her wrist and ankle.
Christopheris penis was in a styrofoam ice
cooler -Chris is just plain lucky,- said the surgeon
who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.
-Believe it or not, the perfume turned out
to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content,
which must have been excruciatingly painful,
helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from
it being removed, the damage caused by the
dogis teeth to the penis per se is minimal.
Itis really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr.
Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining
the use of his limb because of this.-
AND THE WINNER:
Paderborn, Germany-Overzealous zookeeper
Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more
than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before
the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated
the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil
enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him like a dump truck full of mud.
-The sheer force of the elephantis unexpected
defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where
he struck hishead on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top
of him,- said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern.
-With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
dung for at least an hour before a watchman came
along, and during that time he suffocated.
-It seems to be just one of those freak
accidents that happen.-
Martha Stewart's Tips for Southern Rednecks
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly
so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday. "If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first guy
says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's
really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - "Your sister likes this position, too.." Then try to hang on for 8
seconds."
A cop on patrol spotted a car going 22mph in a 55mph zone. He pulled the car
since going so slow could be just as dangerous as going fast. He stepped up
to the car and was not surprised to see an elderly lady driving. As he bent
down and looked into the car he saw 3 other elderly ladies which appeared to
be in stark terror. He said to the driver, do you realize how slow you were
going? You could cause an accident.
The elderly driver looked confused and said, "But officer I was going the
speed limit." The cop said, "No you weren't, mam. The speed limit is 55mph
and you were going 22mph." The old lady shook her head in dissent and
insisted, "I was going the speed limit. The sign back there says 22." The
cop raise his head and threw a glance to the sign that they had passed about
a quarter of a mile back. Then he bent over and looked at the old lady again
and said, "No mam. That sign says route
22. That's the road you're on, not the speed limit."
Well, the woman was embarrassed as she realize this, but the other elderly
ladies just sat staring straight ahead with that same look of stark terror.
The cop felt bad that he had scared them so badly, so he apologized to the
elderly driver and asked if he could do anything for them. The elderly lady
driver chuckled and replied
"Oh, you didn't scare them, son." The cop was confused and asked, "Well,
what's wrong with them?" The elderly lady driver blushed with embarrassment
and said, "Well, we just came off route 119."
Hey, have we been here before? If this don't make you laugh, it'll make you
cry! A lesson we can learn here?
FELIX THE FLYING FROG: A PARABLE ABOUT SCHEDULES, CYCLE TIMES, AND SHAPING
NEW BEHAVIORS.
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named
Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned
working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.
"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach
you how to fly!"
Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiot...
I'm a frog, not a canary!"
Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative
attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."
So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time
management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.
On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his
excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained
that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a
window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor.
After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most
effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next
flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able
to fly.
Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't
understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let
nay-sayers get in my way."
So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed
with a thud).
Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be
thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to
Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must
always expect resistance when implementing new programs.
And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD).
On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy:
Stalling, he asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would
make flying conditions more favorable.
But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the
third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?"
>From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he
would have to jump TWICE tomorrow.... so he just said: "OK. Let's go." And
out the window he went.
Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day
he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied
a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts.
But try as he might, he couldn't fly.
By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for
mercy.... he simply looked at Clarence and said: "You know you're killing
me, don't you?"
Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than
exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him.
With that, Felix said quietly: "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped
out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the
building.
And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.
Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single
goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he
didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of
cement.... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to
"Fall smarter, not harder."
The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to
determine where it had gone wrong.
After much thought, Clarence smiled and said: "Next time... I'm getting a
smarter frog!"
You and