A Ride with a Vampire

  Bad luck always seems to pile up on itself. There is of course nothing abnormal about this. However, when one thing after another actually goes wrong, it begins to seems abnormal. You manage to miss the girl you were supposed to meet. The button on your overcoat breaks off. On the subway you run into someone you really don’t want to talk to. That cavity in the back of your mouth starts to act up. It begins to rain and then you get stuck in some ridiculous traffic jam while riding a taxi home. It’s times like these when everything seems to go wrong that I am just waiting for someone to come along so I can beat the crap out of them…

I am sure you feel the same way. But that’s exactly what makes the abnormal normal.

Still, all of this can make it so hard to get along with everyone out there. Sometimes, I just want to lie down in some dark corner and never leave. But, of course, I am sure that everyday life in that dark corner has its share of hardships. Its all the same, and I am a firm believer that you’re fucked either way.

All this aside, I was trapped in that taxi during a horrendous traffic jam. It was the middle of the Autumn and the rain was pounding against the roof of the cab. Between the bada-bada of the rain and damn clickety-clap of the meter ticking up, I thought my head was going to just explode right there in the back seat.

And on top of all that, I had just quit smoking 3 days before. I was trying my best to come up with anything to think about to take my mind off of everything. But nothing came to mind. Finally, I resolved to just close my eyes and imagine a girl slowly stripping down. First, her glasses… then her watch…kachink and off comes her bracelet…next…

"Excuse me, sir" suddenly the driver broke in as I was just about to get to the top button on her blouse, "Do you believe in vampires?"

"Vampires???" I replied disbelievingly as I stared at him through the rear view mirror. He in turn was staring right back at me the other way.

I went on, "You mean vampires, the ones that suck blood…?"

"Exactly. Do you think they exist?"

" When you say vampires, you don’t mean in a metaphorical sense?" I paused for a second, " Or people who walk around sucking blood as if they were vampires? Or even a Science Fiction Mu-ha-ha Dracula-like vampire, do you? You mean real live vampires."

"Of course," he replied as he rolled the car forward 5 centimeters.

"I have no idea," I said sarcastically, " I really have no idea."

"You can’t just have no idea. Either you believe in vampires or you don’t; which one is it?"

"There aren’t any vampires."

"You mean you don’t believe in vampires, right?"

"I don’t believe in vampires."

At this point I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and began to run it across my lips unlit.

"What about ghosts, Do they exist?"

"I guess I kinda always figured they did."

"Not ‘kinda figured…’ Yes or No."

"Yes," I said with little resolve," I believe in ghosts."

"But you don’t believe in vampires?"

"No, I don’t."

"In that case, can you tell me what in the world is the big difference between a ghost and a vampire?"

"I think a ghost is the antithesis of our ethereal existence." I blurted out nonchalantly. I kinda have a knack for things like that.

"On the other hand, a vampire represents a sudden metamorphosis of our existence." I continued.

"So you accept an antithesis, but not a metamorphosis…"

"Because, if you accept something outlandish and with as many open ended complications as a metamorphosis of our existence, you take away all limitations and your theory quickly becomes moot."

"I see. You are quite an intelligent one, you are."

"Ha ha ha…7 years in college will get you that."

The driver began to edge the car up ever so slightly as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He popped one in his mouth and stared at the road for a second or two as he lit it. The smell of smoke quickly took the car.

"But if they did exist, what then?"

"Then I’m wrong."

"That’s all?"

"Isn’t that good enough?"

"No, it’s absolutely not good enough. Belief is a hell of a lot more important than that. If you believe that there is a mountain then there is a mountain; and if you believe there isn’t a mountain then there is no mountain."

Somehow this was beginning to sound a lot like an old Donovan song.

"If you say so."

"I say so."

I stopped and took a few puffs off of my unlit cigarette and then I said, "But you believe in vampires?"

"Certainty."

"Why?"

"Because I do."

"Can you prove they exist?"

"Belief and proof are two completely different things."

"I guess you’re right."

At this point, I gave up and decided to go back to the girl and her blouse. One button…two buttons…three buttons…

"But I can prove it," the driver blurted back.

"Really?"

"No, really."

"How?"

"Because, I am a vampire…"

Neither one of us said anything for a minute or two. The car crept forward about 15 feet. The rain was still pattering off the roof. The meter ticked up another 500 yen.

"Would it be a bother if I borrowed your lighter for a sec?"

"Not at all. Here you go."

I took the driver’s white lighter and lit my cigarette. My lungs tasted their first nicotine in 3 days.

"The traffic sure is at a complete stop today."

"Sure is," I replied. "But…about this whole vampire thing?"

"Uh huh?"

"You really are a vampire?"

"Why would I lie?"

"So…when did you become a vampire?"

"I guess it has been about 9 years now. It was right when the Munich Olympics were going on."

" ’Seize the day!’ right?"

"That was the slogan all right."

"Can I ask you another question?"

"Go ahead, shoot."

"Why are you a taxi driver?"

"Because I don’t want to be the stereotypical vampire. I have no will to put on a large cape, ride around in a horse and buggy, and live in a castle. Instead, I pay taxes and am a registered citizen. I go to discos and play slot machines in my spare time. Does that really seem that weird?"

"No, not at all. It just doesn’t really pop into one’s head as a vampire’s lifestyle."

"You don’t believe me do you?"

"huh?"

"You don’t believe I am vampire, do you?

"Of course I do. If you think there’s a mountain, there’s a mountain."

"That’s the spirit."

"So, you of course drink blood, right?"

"As a vampire, it kind of goes with the territory."

"I take it some blood taste better than others?"

"Of course. For example, your blood would be awful because you smoke."

"I quit for a little while… but I guess it didn’t quite do the trick…"

"For me, females have the best blood. It just tastes right."

"I can see what you mean by that. Anyone in particular?"

"Meg Ryan. She would be tasty. After that, probably Sandra Bulluks. On the other hand, someone like Madonna just wouldn’t really interest me."

"I get you. There is nothing like a good suck, huh?"

"You can say that again"

 *****

  About 15 minutes later I got out of the cab and headed upstairs to my apartment. I opened the door, turned on the light and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Then I phoned the girl I was supposed to meet earlier on in the evening. It turns out that we just missed each other, that’s all.

"By the way, you might not want to ride a yellow cab for a while," I mentioned to her.

"Why?" She asked.

"Because one of their drivers is a vampire."

"Really??"

"Yeah."

"That’s pretty scary."

"Sure is."

"Yellow Cab right?"

"Uh huh."

"Thanks"

"No problem."

"Good night."

" ’Night."