There was a new priest who was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples not 10.

4. David slew Goliath, he did not "kick his ass."

5. We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."

6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7. We do not refer to the cross as the "The 'Big T'."

8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9. The recomended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"

10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

12. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

13. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me!."