I am a graduate of the University of Scranton, Pennsylvania (B.S. Accounting) and James Madison University, Virginia (MBA). I left my job in April of 1996 to concentrate on bicycling for a while. After six months of excess, I returned to the working world and now am employed by R.R. Donnelley & Sons. I also like to hike in the beautiful mountains here in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. Here is a picture of a couple of friends and me at the overlook of the German Valley of West Virginia while on our way to hiking Seneca Rocks. (I'm the one on the left).
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Why is the word abbreviation so long? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? If the universe is everything and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called, "Holes? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? If horrific means to make horrible, why doesn't terrific mean to make terrible? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Let's face it--English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We find that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposite, while quite a few and quite a lot are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the other day.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Author unknown (to me)
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating – always use condiments. Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted – taint yours and taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.