After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents from all over the world decided to go out for a beer.
The president of Corona sat down and said, "Seqor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." So the bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf and served it.
The president of Budweiser proudly announced, "I'd like the best beer in the world! Give me the King Of Beers, a Budweiser." The obliging bartender delivered the Bud.
The president of Coors said, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water... Give me a Coors." And, of course, he was served a Coors.
The president of Guinness sat down and quietly said, "Give me a Coke, please." Taken aback, the bartender poured a Coke.
The other brewery presidents looked over in amazement and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
At which point the Guinness president replied, "Well, if you chaps aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
******
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her class.The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
SIGNS YOU MAY BE A CANADIAN
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines. 2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk" 3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine" 4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars. 5. You drink pop, not soda. 6. You know what it means to be on pogey. 7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!" 8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. 9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen. 10.You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices. 11.You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike. 12.You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. 13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it. 14. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has! 15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. 16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway. 17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway. 18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec! 19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is. 20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. 21. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that." 22. You read rather than scanned this list.
This would be a good joke for Jean Charest to tell at the Quebec Liberal convention...
There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Calgary guy. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."
So the Newfie says, "I am a fisher man, my dad's a fisher man, and his dad was a fisher man, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish."
'FOOM' the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in."
'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.
The Calgary guy says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie says, "Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
So the Calgary guy says, "Fill it up with water."
Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire.....
- Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial: "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
"Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
ARE YOU QUALIFIED?
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
WHAT A DINNER
>> A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their >>waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that >>the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, >> with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man >>slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. >>Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, >> apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After >>the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and >>said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid >>under the table." >> >> The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. >>He just walked in the door." >> >> >> THE 11th COMMANDMENT >> >>In light of the recent Clinton controversy, the Christian church has >>added an 11th commandment................... >> "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff!!!" >>
Let's be friends....
P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "we" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed, (b) we are broke, or (c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning, and both agree to "pick up after himself" while in residence at the her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases; (b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing"; (c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek "help"; (d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."; and (e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator. (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better"; (b) "Nobody could ever make you happy"; (c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and (d) "My analyst thinks you are...". (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said relationship; (b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks"; (c) at the termination of said affair: (1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary; (2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends; (3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right"; "He/She wanted more than I could give"; "He/She was too involved in his/Him career"; "He/She decided to go back with his/her (a) girl/boyfriend; (b) last lover; (c) hometown; (d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
NEXT..... Father's Wisdom
A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?", and the father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
NEXT... Subject: FW: White House Voice Mail
Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.
If you are male and have a message for the president, press 9.
If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.
To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W- A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.
If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on it and then press it.
If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.
If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G-I-D.
If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for the president's advisor on womem's rights, press O-J.
To leave a message for Steven Speilberg to give to Barney Frank, press E.-T.-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-O.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
To speak to an operator, press 0.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly.
"Putamus viam semper esse"- anonymous
NEXT....
Subject: FW: Haircut
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes".
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said "to your house"
ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD...
Subject: FW: Merger mania
NEW YORK, April 20 (AP)--In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney. In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."
CONCORD, NH., May 14 (Reuters)--Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from new Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.
BANGOR, ME, Aug. 22 (Bloomberg)--Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel a month. The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes. "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King was informed that company was not John Updike.
WASHINGTON, D.C., Oct 3 (UPI)--In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of home companion services.
PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse)--In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment.
ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service)--After several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell. "Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.
the bonus round-- WARNING...more of an adult type joke... WARNING..
Subject: A boy and Jean Chretien
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD, Canada, they decided to send it to Prime Minister Chretien. The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. Chretien thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD, thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Ottawa and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00 !!!
Subject: FW: Another Blonde Joke
One day while jogging a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball,' the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
last one for now check back I will update... Subject: FW: Roulette
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior
people,
and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and
pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and
thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to
visit his
country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all
hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room
in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to
sample
our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room,
the
only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of
one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your
pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the
connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the
roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"
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