Weirdo Hippy Wiccan Dude

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I do not like to lead,
Nor walk side by side;
I am one, as a follower;
A conformist,
Yet a nonconformist;
Time passes by rapidly,
Yet we move so slow;
Too much and too little,
It goes by just the same.

It was on a day,
When time was slow,
When I connected with him,
Met face to face;
He led on, and I followed,
Hanging onto his words,
Believing.. yet not believing,
Skepticism and doubt had set in.

Yet when I looked into his eyes,
I felt many things;
Fear and frustration,
Curiosity and confusion,
Safe, yet endangered, 
Confused... yes, confused...
So many questions,
So many fears...

If it were to all end,
I would die
Not knowing
And that would suck.
So I ask many things...
He is quick and smooth to answer,
I'm sure he's been asked before,
But there is more, so much more.

From the first day I saw him,
I could feel a strong bond,
Not sure to this day
Whether the ties are good,
Suggestions of Evil
Pop into my head...
Unsure... still unsure
Whether I'm better off dead.

Sure, he seems harmless;
In my head, dangerous...
Still nameless, this man;
Reminding me of Timothy Leary,
The crazed look in his eyes,
And the drugs, let us not forget the drugs;
So I am left with the thought
That perhaps he was high.

He asks for my number,
"Yeah, sure, cool, whatever;"
To take me to town,
"Yeah, sure, cool, whatever;"
To buy me a drink,
"Yeah, sure, cool, whatever;"
In awe and dumbfounded,
All I can say is, "Yeah, sure, cool, whatever."

"Don't be afraid," he tells me,
However; I am.
He buys us a drink,
I save mine 'til he's gone,
He seems disappointed,
Yet he still presses on,
He asks for a hug,
"Yeah, sure, cool, whatever."

He tells me he likes me,
He feels a strong bond,
I simply smile, look towards the creek,
Avoiding his eyes, best I can.
The sky getting darker,
I tell him I have to get going,
We make our way swiftly
Back to the car.

We travel into town,
As fast as I can;
Anxious to get him away,
And get myself home.
On a corner I drop him, 
And he takes my hand,
Kisses it and tells me he'll call,
Closes the door as I speed away.

Glad to be rid of him, 
He still lingers on - in a sense.
I get myself home,
Take a shower to wash off,
Perhaps, thinking in my head,
That he'd wash out of my mind.
For some unknown reason
I started to panic.

I ask for advice,
Yet all they can say
Is follow your heart, mind and soul;
Funny, he said the same things...
He wants me to join him
"Become empowered," he says,
"The Goddess within you,"
"Just set Her free."

"Do not be afraid of the Power within"
Over and over again
Being played in my head.
"Black Ice, help me please,"
"Tell me I'm safe."
Answers from Black Ice:
"Follow your heart, mind and soul."
Sure, great advice, but not what I was looking for.

The next day I saw him,
Working away,
I told my friend,
So we took the long way.
An ill feeling I got, (still do, btw)
To think to look into his eyes,
How can he do this?
I have no fuckin' clue.

I HATE YOU, YOU ASS HOLE!
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
I HATE MYSELF AT TIMES LIKE THIS!
WHY THE HELL AM I SO DAMN NICE??
I get stuck here often,
I don't mean to hurt,
I get them interested,
Then KA POW!!!  (loss of words there.. any suggestions?)

"FUCK YOU!!" they say,
"YOU DAMN FUCKIN' BITCH!!!"
I have learned to just laugh,
Like it matters anymore any ways.
They're hurt, I'm hurt,
I don't even care,
So it seems any ways...
Inside I hate it to be like this - truly.

It wasn't always like this,
I am sure there are ways...
Something inside me just snaps,
My head starts to spin,
I know I need help...
Mental, that is.
I don't know that this cycle
Of pain will ever end.
 
EAM 4-23-98