guys are dicks. just because you did something in the past, doesn't mean that you still do it, yet they seem to think that once you do it you always do it...well certain guys anyways. i found a good one though, and i don't intend on letting him get away from me.]]-[[Okay, so I have this thing for David Letterman. I don't know why, but I find him so damn incredibly sexy. The little gap in his teeth, the way his hair is... I used to fantasize about being under his desk while he was doing the top ten list. Well anyway.]]-[[I sometimes wonder if there is anything I am good at. I mean, there has to be something out there that I would like to do for the rest of my life. Growing up, all my friends would say that they wanted to be scientists or the president or ballet dancers or fire fighters. But I never knew, and I still have no idea. In my second year at college and people look at me funny when I tell them I am undeclared. It's good for them that they have what they want to do figured out, but not me. I still want time to dream and live and all that. My eleven year old cousin has already decided that he is going to be an engineer. Well good for him, but he's only eleven. It just seems silly to me. I would like to be successful at whatever I do. In sociology the other day we were talking about how the norms of society are goodness and success. I'm a good person, I think. And I can become successful. One day I hope to be married to the man I love and we will be happy forever. Sounds kinda girly, but I am one.]]-[[I am wondering if the reason you do not talk to me is because you are threatened by something.]]-[[I met this guy from Canada; well we never really met, we just chatted a lot. We never really chatted either. We were just sort of there. We would say a few words every now and then, and listen to eachother gripe about this or that. He was such a cutie, I could tell by the way he typed. It was strange. He was really into writing so he would send me what he had written and have me read it. I loved to, because the things he would write were just so amazing. He told me recently that he was getting some of his work published. I was so happy for him. I was in total awe of him...and envy of every woman he was with. I don't know why though, I guess he just had one of those types of personalities that I totally dig. About a week ago was the last time I heard from him. He told me about this story about what was going on in his life and then he mentioned something about not being here much longer. I was shocked, I mean here was this guy who had so many things going for him. But now that I think about it, maybe he is right. I mean I would hate to find out years later that that would be the last time I would ever get to speak with him. But it just seems like he is finished here. He touched many people and will continue to do so with his writings. It confuses me, yet it doesn't. He pisses me off, yet he makes perfect sense to me. 10/21/98]]-[[In second grade I used to hang out with these two girls. One of these girls was totally obsessed with this little boy in our class. Well she was also obsessed with the movie "Footloose," which I think had just come out or something at the time. So during recess and after lunches when we weren't out in the field picking flowers or on the bars doing cherry drops, we were helping her chase after this little boy that she liked so much. She would sing "footloose" and dance around and kick off her shoes. Well a few times the little boy's friends would take her shoes away. One day she went to kick her shoe off and one of the boys grabbed her leg and she fel over. It was a site to see.]]-[[In second grade, we used to have those desks where two people share a table and then there are two little cubbies or whatever you want to call them underneath. Well one time I got stuck sitting next to this little crack hoe and she would always make me so angry. Once she decided that she was going to piss me off so she started picking her nose and she plucked out the biggest, smelliest, greenest booger I had ever seen in my life. Well then she decides to stick it on my side of the desk. Boy, did it ever stink! I started gagging ust by the looks and the smell of it. I don't remember what happened since then. I must have blacked out. Anyways, I never spoke to this girl after that. And when I did, she was a bitch to me, so I was like "screw you" and didn't even go near her. Well one day she got into an accident and broke her neck or something. So everyone was like, "oh, that poor girl." I was like, "oh, so now we have to be nice to her cause she has a broken neck?" Have you realized that I am a very bitter woman yet?]]-[[I love my parents. I remember growing up, my friends would always say things about how bitchy their moms are and stuff like this. They would also come and tell me they had been "grounded." Now this "G" word was new to me, I had never heard of it before. Okay, I had heard of it, but I had never *been* it. My mom would just use the *wooden spoon* or spank us. Not that we were bad. Oh yeah, did I ever mention that I have a little bro? Well he ain't so little anymore, he towers over me. Well anyway, my mom was always the enforcer...with me at least. My bro got it from my dad a few times. But Dad never really got into it. We would just know when we were in trouble. I think I will talk about that later.]]-[[Right this second, I am a bit frustrated. I wonder how many people have ever been in love with someone who doesn't love you back. As much as I hate to say it, all the loss of interest that I recieve from this one guy causes me to lose interest. You know, it hurts like a mother fucker though. Sometimes I wish I had an eraser. A big one that would just erase days, months, and years from your life. But it all comes down to it being a good thing that you have these "erasable" moments in life. I mean, if you never had a "bad thing" happen to you, never did a "bad thing," or never witnessed a "bad thing," then you are pretty much a loser. Okay, so maybe not that extreme, but you know what I mean. There is this guy who wants me to come over to his house tonight. I would like to, but of course I am a bit scared. I mean, the last time I met someone was a total bad experience. But we won't get into that now. I just can't understand these people who just want to sit around the house all day. I admit it is kind of nice at times, to just be alone and all, but I have been alone all my life and I don't want to keep being alone. So there. Perhaps I am paranoid, but I know something is up. Seriously. I mean do you not think I might not notice that some woman is asking if you are still home alone? Gee, what does that mean? And when some woman just happens to call and suck her tits for you. But whatever. I doubt anyone will ever read this, but I feel better to get it out, type it out that is. I never told my parents that I was in total love with this man because that was like admitting that I was in love with someone who didn't love me back. And that hurts. It seriously does. One day I will be happy for an entire day, no mental breakdowns, no crying, no nothing, just happy happy happy. I know there is a day for me out there.]]-[[I went to an interview today. Well I think things went well, because after two interviews, a man told me to go get a drug test. So I thought, "simple enough" and went down to take the test. Well I am sitting there in the waiting room and when it is my turn, I get into the bathroom and I just can't go. I don't know why. I walk out of the bathroom and ask the nurse if they give blood tests. I figure that would be a hell of a lot easier and more sanitary as well. But they tell me no, and that this is the only way it will work. So I was like, "fuck" and went into the waiting room to drink more water. After a second failed attempt, I tell the woman that I will be back in the morning. I drove home and peed.]]-[[Okay, so I haven't added much since I started my new job. I like it so far though! But oh my goodness, there is this one girl who kinda works in the same department as me and she is like so dense, let me tell you. Oh my, the *very* first night at work, we were all given these little box cutters, right? They are just razor blades, you know what I am talking about, don't give me that look. So anyways, within the first five minutes of holding these box cutters in our hands, this girl slices open her hand. What the heck was going on in her head??? For pete's sake.]]-[[The other day, someone I care about very dearly was upset at me. Well to be perfectly honest, I was pretty mad at him as well. I couldn't tell you why, hell, I can't decide for myself why, but that is how it was. Anyway, last night we got to spend some time together and I thought that it was very pleasant and nice and I liked how things were. So who knows.]]-[[Is it a bad thing to doubt your own sanity?]]