The purpose of this fanfic is to explore the feelings David Hollins/Ceres Knight has for Terra
Brown/Sailor Ceres in depth.  This takes place the night David wakes from his dreams and is
directly before he gets capture by Kazracite in Sailor Moon Remembered Senshi.  It is highly
recommended that you read that in it's entirety before you read this, as it will be much more
effective that way.
          Thanks for all the support, Short Yes, Danny, and Sailor Chronos!
                    I appreciate it! And please, keep responding!
                              Ja ne,
          Terra-chan (yes roses, you can call me that, Tuxedo Wayfarer won't mind ~_^)
                              Lady Ceres
                              Lindseybrowning@hotmail.com
                              Sailorceres@usa.net
          The Temple of the Forest       http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/garden/8378
          The SMRS Homepage   http://members.tripod.com/~Princess_Terra    
                                 

               For the Salvation of my Soul . . .

     It's impossible for anyone to understand how I feel right now.  I've just realized that I
nearly destroyed the woman I love so much.  I'm not sure if I can bear to see the betrayal in her
eyes, the loathing.  She's an angel and I am Judas.  What right have I to love her?  
     She is the pure entirety of my soul, without her I am just a shadow of a man, I am just a
whisper.  It has not always been like this.  Deep in my soul I harbor incredible memories. 
Memories that make it possible for me to survive this wretched condition.  I can remember.
     I can remember the mischievous looks she cast me when we put that Cavel's root in Prime
Minister Thornbrush's coffee.  He was none to happy about the time he spent in the lavatories
that week.  I remember her little half-crooked smile as we crouched in the bushes on the east side
of the palace and watched Birch's mother hunt all over for him.  We had given him sanctuary in
the loft of the stables.
     I remember helping her till the soil of her lily garden.  The entire garden was the property
of the High Queen, except for that tiny patch.  I remember how she painstakingly weeded and
hoed and watered.  There is no garden in the universe that received better care than that small lily
garden.  She kept it tended just so, and I remember her vitality  the day the first blossom opened.
     I remember when she first learned to ride.  She was a fearless young woman as I helped
her mount the spirited, prancing, buckskin stallion that she chose.  She named it Hazel's Gift and
called it Haze for short.  She was one of the few people that knew my middle name, and she knew
it was certainly improper to accept a gift from a man of lower rank, so we kept a secret.  It was
like a private joke between us.  Every time she called the stallion, she would blush a little, or cast
one of her half smiles at me.
     Goddess, she often wondered why I kept her company, and didn't join many of the
children my age.  I can't understand how she failed to realize how much better than them she was. 
They taunted me, and anyone else who was of a lower class.  I cannot remember a time when
someone of their group didn't yell some comment at me about my deceased parents.  Even at
seven, she knew the Book of Corn by heart, and always acted according.  There was never once I
have ever seen her out of temper, unless it was for a very good reason.  No matter how depressed
she may have felt, she always had kind words for everyone she met, and there was a special place
in her heart for me.
     I remember the day when she met Viscount Lyreleaf, the royal composer.  The sheet
music for is newest sonata had blow into a tall beech tree and he was at odds on how to get it
down.  I was about to offer to climb the tree and retrieve the errant music when she nimbly
bounded up the tree, like a vivacious little squirrel.  She had the music in a few moments and
Lyreleaf was much amused by his 'tiny squirrel.'  I made him promise to never tell anyone about
his pet nickname for her, or the reason she got it.  I knew that if the High Queen get wind of such
an incident, she'd forbid me to see the Princess.  The High Queen had never liked me, and all I
needed was o draw attention to myself and my stay at the Palace as a ward of the Lord Duke
would be over too soon.
     I remember when I taught her how to 'swim.'  Swimming was not one of the skills the
High Queen though it proper for a princess to have, so she had no idea of how to even float. 
However, I had to say three words to get her to dive into that pond head first.  'I dare you.'  I
wasn't serious when I dared her, but she took it like her honor was on the line.  I had to dive in
and fish her out, or she would have likely drown.  That day taught us each a lesson.  It taught her
not to endanger her life for something so silly, and it taught me not to tempt her.
     I remember the day I decided to take the Knight's Training.  It was windy and stormy,
strange weather for the areas around the Palace.  I suppose it was an omen of some sort.  She was
reading a book on philosophy in the loft of the stables.  She always went there when she wanted
sanctuary.  The warmth from the horses below and the sweet smell of hay comforted her.  I
suppose she had already guessed what I came to tell her.  She knew me as well as herself.  In fact
I sometimes wonder if she doesn't know me better than I know myself.  I spoke lowly and softly. 
Hoping that my voice would calm her as it had in the past.   She didn't break out into a wild
storm of emotions as I was afraid she would, she simply looked at me sorrowfully and sighed.
     She knew that she could not change my mind when I had it set upon something, and I was
certainly set upon being Ceres Knight.  She didn't understand my motives.  She even asked me if
she had driven me away.  I wanted to tell her then.  I wanted to tell her how much I loved her.  I
wanted to tell her that I never wanted us to be separated.  I wanted to tell her how much I wanted
to protect her, keep her safe.  I couldn't.  I was too weak.  I didn't think I was good enough for
her (and I still don't, she is a goddess, and I am a supplicant).  Our separation was my trial by fire.
     I had to know.  I had to know if I really loved her.  I had to know if I was worth her love. 
I had to make myself worthy of protecting her.  I had to make sure we would always be together. 
Tradition decreed that the Princess of Ceres could not marry a man of  rank lower than Duke.  I
was but a lowly Marquis.  If I had not become Ceres Knight, then she would have been forced to
marry another, very likely Duke Birch Longstem, my only other childhood friend.
     In separating myself from her, I ensured that I would have a chance at her love later.  I
was also taking a great risk.  Formal Knight training encompassed four years, four years when she
would be blossoming.  Those four years could have seen her in love with another and married for
all I knew.  But I chanced it.  Better to have loved and lost, that has always been my philosophy.
     Although I may sound very noble in my philosophy, I was not without assistance.  I might
have been to unnerved to tell her about my love, but I gave her some idea.  Before I left her
company, I gave her the only real object of wealth I possessed.  It was a family heirloom handed
down from my dead parents, the only thing I had left to remember them by, yet I gave it freely to
her.  It was a simple thing, yet beautifully worked, a four faceted jadestone inlaid with gold.  Of
all the things I possessed, it was the only thing that was good enough for me to give to my angel.  
     Those four years of Knight training were the most desolate in my life, up to that point. 
Training was grueling, physically and mentally exhausting.  The Lord Knight of the Lily, who was
our commanding officer, was a harsh man.  Nothing was ever good enough for him, and I
remember how many nights I spent in agony because my muscles were worked to exhaustion. 
Many nights I wouldn't be able to sleep at all because of the tremendous strain on my mind.  No
one is meant to exercise psiconic powers to their utmost ability ever waking moment of the day,
by we did.  I do say we because there were twelve of us, narrowed from nearly a thousand mean
who all wished to serve the princess.
     I will not try to say that I was the most noble of them, or the most powerful, or intelligent. 
I don't know why the commanding Knight finally chose me for the vacant post of Ceres Knight,
but he did.  Perhaps it was fate, perhaps it was the evil, working even then.  I like to hope that it
was the former as opposed to the latter, because I did love her so.  She was the only way I
survived Knight training.  
     I didn't see her once during the entire training, but I knew it was not by her own choice. 
Iris kept close watch on the Princess and made sure she did not stray far from the Palace. 
However, even though I didn't see her for four years, I kept her safe in my heart and soul.
     The day I was released from training and was presented with the ring, chevron, and whip
that were all marks of the Lord Knight of Ceres was one of the most joyous days of my life. 
When I rode back into the palace, chevron high for all to see, she was the first to greet me (or
tackle me, to be more specific).
     If she was an angel before, she was a radiant goddess then.  The perfect pools of her blue-
gray-green eyes glimmered and smiled.  Her pale skin contrasted deeply with her dark brown hair,
braided as it was.  I will not mention the other newly discovered facets of her beauty (it would
have taken an eunuch not to notice them), as I assume that most reasonably intelligent people
over the age of twelve will be able to guess what they are, but I will say that she was the purest
most perfect example of beauty I had ever seen.  As I was swooning over her beauty in a very
honorable an innocent way, she did something that undid all my good intentions, she gave me that
little crooked half-smile.                                       
     You may not understand how something as little as a simple smile can wreak havoc on my
hormonal systems like that (it continues to do so) and to those who do not understand it, I pity
you because you may not have had the opportunity to experience love such as I have.  Let it
suffice to say that I you could see my Terra smile, you would be in similar straits.
     Alas I digress, it is an easy trap for me to fall into when I speak of my Terra, my angel, my
goddess.  However, as she stood in front of me and I was assailed with questionable, but clearly
understandable thoughts, I was suddenly rescued by a glimmer from the top of her bound hair. 
There, in a nest of soft brown silk, lay the jadestone I had given her (what seemed to me) such a
long time ago.
     This banished all the slightly (all right, decidedly, rampantly) impure thoughts from my
mind and reminded me again why I chose to become Lord Knight of Ceres.  I bowed before her
reverently.  She blushed slightly, then tackled me.  Tangling us so, I must admit, I did enjoy it,
although her intentions *were* entirely honorable.  After a few moments, (and to my
disappointment) she disengaged from our embrace and stood away from me.  I could tell she was
going to burry me in a flurry of questions, and I relished the attention.   
     However, just as she began, a regal black cat imposed upon our conversation.  I'm sorry, I
have never liked Celeus.  He has, I may remind you, never liked me either, so I am not unfounded
in my annoyance.  It has come to my attention recently that the reason he does not like me is that
he too cares for Terra.  He cares very much for Terra.  Too much for my liking.  I am his
competition, and even though he is resigned to the fact that he can never win Terra's affections,
he is still very jealous of me.  Perhaps that is the reason I dislike him as well.  Perhaps I am
jealous.
     Celeus whisked her away before I could even ask when I would see her again.  She of
course, was prepared and required my presence at the ball that night.  I don't suppose I need to
tell you that that night was also one of the most enjoyable I have ever experienced.  My radiant
goddess was even more beautiful that night at the ball (if that is possible).  Her long hair was
down and flowing, 'twined with white lilies, her dress was long and dark and contrasted vividly
with her pale skin.  Needless to say, I suffered a similar reaction to the one I had had earlier that
day. 
     The lone dark spot on the evening was my momentary jealousy of my friend, Birch. 
Unbeknownst to me, she and he had worked out a mutually beneficial plan.  Even had I known
their arrangement, I'm not sure I would have cared.  She is mine, no one else should touch her. 
Ever.  Regardless of the situation.  I'm sorry, I may sound like a brute, but she's all I've ever truly
had, and I'm fiercely territorial.
     After a few dances, Birch retreated and left her unguarded.  A very unwise decision,
especially considering I was lying in wait.  Throwing caution to the winds, I asked her to dance
with me.  Even though she tried to convince me she couldn't dance, she flowed like liquid silk
through my arms once we began.  For a few moments caught up in music, I was her lover, and
she mine, our souls mixed, our minds whole.
     It ended all too quickly, that ball was the beginning of the end of our happiness.  Instances
and memories all began to jumble as I raced toward my doom.  I saved Terra from the wrath of
her mother, entrusting her to the Birch, knowing that he to loved her too (although it a
perceptible different way).  I finally confessed my true feelings, and found that she too loved me
(even though she was too terrified to admit it at the time, I could see it in her eyes, feel it in her
embrace).   I challenged Iris and lost.  She nearly killed me, and Thornbrush sold my soul to the
Dark Lord himself.
     After my rebirth as the fiend Naverght, my soul was lost in the darkness.  I chose not to
dwell on that time period because that devil who lived in my body was not me.  It was a twisted
and warped picture of me that Dis created from my own memories, wishes, and secret desires.
However, even though it made me strong in some aspects, I was the weakest of children in others. 
As I tried to unleash the power of the Emerald Jadestone, it took only a glance from my goddess
to wash away all the darkness and resurrect my soul.
     I love her so deeply.  I know not what the future holds.  I do not know whether she will
ever forgive me.  I do not know if she will ever look at me with any other expression but
contempt on her face, but if I would die now ( and if she holds me in contempt, I would will it), I
would be content.
     I have loved a goddess, and she has loved me in return.  If only for a moment, this is
gratification for my entire existence.    
     
                                   Excerpt from the private diary of 
                                        David Hazel Hollins
                                            once known as
                                           .                                    Aspen Hazel of Bald Hills

On this sixth day of November, 1995