Enjoy! Let me know what you think. My email address is Crawman2@Juno.comRedmond, WA- In a joint press conference from the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub basement of his Corporate Headquarters, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates issued a challenge to James Bond, aka 007.
"Is there anything wrong with my being a super villain? I mean, I'm obscenely wealthy, I have global domination uppermost in my every thought, plus I have this cool situation room all set up 14 stories below the ground floor of MS headquarters."
Gates seemed to merely voice aloud the speculation that many Americans have dared not utter- Is James Bond avoiding taking on Bill Gates?
"I mean, Bond had no problem fouling up Ernst Stavro Blofeld's plans more than once. I should know- I had to listen to him. Every time some petty tyrant, renegade general, or drug dealer wants to stir up some trouble, there's 007, tuxedo and all, blowing things up and seducing their women. What's the matter with my wife, she not good enough for you, Mr. Bond?", Gates sneered as he sat before his ever-present 50 foot projection screen.
Indeed, the consensus seems to be that the DOSS, or British Department of Occidental Secret Services, is avoiding a confrontation. The DOSS, in a press statement, refutes this, saying,
"We at the DOSS have not dispatched 007 on account of the prioritization of his missions. Mr. Gates is not the only man who's bent on global domination, and, according the Super Villain Treaty of 1962, only one bad guy at a time is allowed to move for global domination. It's like RISK, in a way, only, for gentlemen like Mr. Gates, the world is just not enough."
However, intimates of the would be Emperor of the Planet write off the DOSS press release as a pack of half-baked excuses.
"I mean, look at Mr. Gates' track record," says Edward Gribble, Microsoft's Vice President of National Acquisitions, "He's clearly made his move by virtually dominating the software industry and is now gobbling up companies and corporations like an Alabama truckdriver eats pies at a pie-eating contest. Yet, we have not even been illegally infiltrated in the interests of corporate espionage. We have secrets, too, you know."
Gates, surrounded by a retinue of goons impeccably dressed in charcoal gray pinstriped suits and briefcases, further added,
"I even have a script all written and rehearsed in case he shows up to thwart my nefarious plans. Here's a sample:
Me: So, we meet again, Mr. Bond. Well, your Norton Anti-Virus is no match for my Windows '98. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."
Those who were present at the press conference were not fooled and were, in fact, saddened, by Gates' hollow laughter.
"Bill's so depressed over this," confides Laura Skolnik, Microsoft's President of Virus Dissemination, "He told me once that he'd even be willing to hack off a limb and replace it with a state-of-the-art mechanical prosthesis in order to look more like the part of a power-mad, would be global dictator. I almost cried when he said that."
Given the Justice Department's spectacular inability to stop Gates in his inimical quest to ruthlessly crush any and all competition for his operating systems and Microsoft Internet Explorer browser, many Americans are coming to the unspoken conclusion that only the womanizing, quasi-alcoholic British super spy would present a serious challenge for Gates.
However, mere hours after Gates' press conference from his cavernous lair, in which he sat at the head of a gleaming titanium table almost the size of the USS Nimitz, Agent 007 issued his own press conference from his bedroom at Hampstead Heath.
"Since I'm about to vanquish David Glass (The CEO of Wal-Mart), I accept your challenge, Mr. Gates, but beware- I'm obviously not a very choosy man when it comes to carnal pursuits, and your wife is not immune to my charm." As proof, 007 lifted up the bedsheet and the head of Rosie O'Donnell popped up, her already puffy face puffier still with sleep. "See?"
"You bastard," the talk show hostess then yelled, "Last night, you told me you were Tom Cruise! What's for breakfast and it better not be that tea and crumpets crap."
Gates' wife has since reportedly bought a full year's membership at Bally Fitness Centers in Redmond and has been seen frequently at Victoria's Secret.
Enjoy! Let me know what you think. My email address is Crawman2@Juno.com