The Grand Canyon-The first Presidential campaign of the new millennium took an "Xtreme" turn when Vice President Al Gore announced that he will attempt to skateboard across the Grand Canyon. The announcement at the Scottsdale, Arizona's Chamber of Commerce's annual meeting came just hours after it was announced that Texas Governor George W. Bush, Gore's chief rival, had successfully boogy-boarded down Alaska's Mt. McKinley.
"This whole macho thing in Presidential politics," said political pundit and TV buffoon Rush Limbaugh, "died with Teddy Roosevelt and was revived again only with the election of George Bush."
It would seem that the son of the man famed for coining the phrase "wimp factor" and who skydived from a bomber at the age of 72 is following in his father's footsteps.
"Let's not forget," said the Texas Governor at McKinley's summit, "this all started with my father, who'd finally succumbed to the urge to jump out of a perfectly good warplane. So now it's up to me to bring in the new age of Xtreme campaigning."
"If Gov. Bush thought that we'd take this lying down, then he has another thuink coming," said Vice President. "Let's see who's a more radical dude."
Gore campaign stunt coordinator Robbie Knievel is planning the historic jump, slated for the week before Super Tuesday. Knievel, it may be recalled, had successfully spanned the national landmark on a rocket-powered motorcycle earlier this year.
"We've already made some dry runs across narrowest gaps in the canyon," says Knievel, "using a rocket-propelled skateboard and a crash test dummy. Unfortunately, the dummy didn't give us accurate wind resistance data on account of it being more limber and flexible than the Vice President."
Knievel's focus group is considering switching to a store mannequin or comparably heavy cigar store Indian to approximate Gore's posture and spinal flexibility.
"On the face of it," speculates political commentator William F. Buckley, "it all sounds rather puerile. But when you consider the long-term ramifications, the efficacy of such seeming tomfoolery comes into focus. "These death-defying stunts will appeal to more than just the residents of a local geography. They will also appeal to the eighteen-and-over Generation X demographic. Think of the underlying message to these kids as they see their next Chief Executive hurtling through the air at breakneck speed: I will die to get your vote."
"I have to agree with Buckley, up to a point," said Limbaugh. "In a Wag The Dog administration, what we need in this campaign is an Air Force One motif, Bullworth , at least."
Ever since the Chamber of Commerce address, Vice President Gore has been preparing for his upcoming stunt by walking on the backs of the chairs of the Senate Chambers between sessions of Congress. Insiders say that Gore has repeatedly fallen and landed almost every time on his head.
At a press conference today, flanked by Tipper Gore and the Vice President, who was dressed in a red, white, and blue Nike stunt costume and a helmet that said Air Gore, President Clinton said,
"Since I'm close friends with him, I certainly hope that no harm comes to the Vice President or the Democratic Party. Still, one could emulate worse moments from George Bush's career. Look what happened with the Japanese Prime Minister."
Never one to be outdone, republican senator Bob Smith has been signed to a series of debates with WCW champion and fellow presidential contender Hollywood Hulk Hogan, two out of three falls with a ten minute time limit.