Bentonville, AR-In a decision that has been met with outrage by some, and chop licking and hand rubbing by others, Wal-Mart CEO David Glass today announced from the Bentonville, Arkansas corporate headquarters that the retail giant has opened a new Superstore in Kosovo.
"On the face of it, you have to admit that this is a bold move, audacious, even. But then, so was shredded wheat and the Edsel," said the Chief Executive Officer of the world's largest retail chain. "Yet, when you look at the demographics, you have millions of Kosovoyans, or whatever they're called, lumped together in bad need of our fine, American-made products. Best of all, they're already in line!"
On its grand opening day, say company officials, the Superstore was packed with fleeing Albanian refugees in bad need of food, medical attention and supplies, and inexpensive clay lawn frogs. A friendly Wal-Mart greeter showed them the way to the snack bar, the pharmacy, and where ever else they needed to go.
"This is the most wonderful thing to happen to Kosovo since Marshall Tito," crowed 86 year old Libodush Plobovic, the store's official greeter. "Here, take a smiley face. They make excellent bandages."
The Superstore's opening day profits, which soared in the three figure range, not to mention bartered cows, sheep, and geese, were viewed optimistically by some, pessimistically by others.
"Never go by preliminary sales figures," says Bubba "Red" Neckman, Wal-Mart's CFO. "While we don't anticipate much repeat business, since traffic's only going in one direction, look at the endless line of people that stretch as far back as Macedonia. We're talking millions here. We'd served, what, a couple thousand on the first day? I'm telling you, this is the last great retailing frontier!"
"Plus," added CEO David Glass, "some day, they have to turn around and come back. So who says that we can't depend on repeat business? When they return, we'll be there."
However, the retail rapists have been soundly and roundly criticized for this overseas marketing strategy, most notably by K-Mart, their next-largest competitor.
"What in hell is David Glass thinking?!", asked one senior K-Mart corporate official who asked to remain anonymous. "These people are fleeing a bloodbath. They have no money, no homes, no medical insurance, no credit rating, no collateral… where's the future in that?!"
Wal-Mart officials, however, remain optimistic. "Never underestimate the power of impulse buying," says Glass. "Our last quarterly sales figures suggest that a full 86% of our revenue comes from those impulse items that we thoughtfully place in view of the children at the checkout lines. You'd be surprised if we told you what we made in Kosovo just in Jar Jar Binks Pez candy dispensers."
The retail giant, encouraged by the preliminary sales in their new war-torn Superstore, is drawing up plans for future growth in other Third World spots, such as Bosnia, Timor, and whereever the invading aliens land at the Millenium.
The main page of my series on Wal-Mart.