San Francisco, CA-- In what is already being called by law enforcement officials as "one of the worst hate crimes of the decade," a group of "really PO'd" gay males attacked a pair of heterosexual tourists. The male and female on their honeymoon, who have asked The Daily Tabloid to preserve their anonymity, said they had been verbally and physically abused by the tastefully dressed thugs.
"It was like something out of LORD OF THE FLIES, only with a better wardrobe. I've never seen hatred like that where we come from," said the man, back in their home in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He was still nursing a sore nipple that had been tweaked by what is now believed to be the leader. "I was tipped off by the fact that he had the most pronounced lisp and was more fashionably attired than the others."
"They called me names like 'bitch' and 'Jezebel'," said his wife, "taunting me with verbal abuse such as, 'You call that a dress?' and, 'Pearls with a denim skirt? Are you mad, girlfriend?!' I can still smell the Evian and marguerites on their breath.'
"You should've heard what they called me," chimed in her husband. "'Traitor' and 'gash lover' were just two of them." After a quivering sigh, he continued. "After the leader of the pack tweaked my nipple, one of his partners pulled the yellow bandanna from around his neck and whipped my bum with it. It was like they were jocks in a locker room and I was the nerd."
Such hate crimes, say San Francisco law enforcement officials, are becoming increasingly common all over the US, most notably in Provincetown, Massachusetts, and New York's Fire Island and Greenwich Village. In a city the size of San Francisco, whose gay population has been variously estimated between 99 and 100%, such crimes of passion are almost daily.
"We've thought about sensitivity training for the offending segment of the population, but look how sensitive they already are," said SF Police Commissioner Howard Mulready. "That's kinda like carrying coals to Newcastle."
"All I know is," said the misty-eyed husband, "I'll never feel safe at the ballet or at a Michael Bolton concert again." His wife nodded.
"And I've already sold off my seats to the kd lang and Melissa Etheridge concerts, as well as my Traci Chapman tickets, just to be safe."