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Abolish, v. t.- To supplant an old evil with a less conspicuous one, such as Abolition, which raised the black people's station from unpaid servitude to one of low paid, indentured servitude, thereby making them more dependent than ever on their former owners.
Abortionist, n.- A person who, unfortunately, has but one life to replace the ones they have terminated.
Abruptness, n.- The advance agent of personal disaster, as opposed to a geopolitical disaster, which is the election.
Abstention, n.- The antonym of vice. In the bible of certain Protestant faiths, the Seven Deadly Sins are countered with the Seven Cardinal Abstentions. Gluttony is countered with Diet, Anger with Revenge (or getting even), Lust with watching Rush Limbaugh (eating beforehand is usually discouraged), Covetousness with Living Within One's Means, Pride with Living Within One's Means, Envy with Living Within One's Means, and Sloth with Watching Television Without a Remote Control.
Abstinence, n.- A period of artificial virtue that the subject endures until the coast is clear for the resumption of dissipation.
Accomplished, adj.- The state of having one's values completely depreciated and supplanted by pragmatic ambitions.
Accumbent, adj.- Reclining, the typical posture of the Incumbent.
Accusation, n.- Self defense.
Acrimony, n.- The flavor characterizing matrimony, which increases in the mouth through divorce and beyond.
Act of Congress- One which is of honesty, diligence, and of representing its constituents, an act which has thus far fooled the American public for 223 years.
Acquaintance, n.- Someone with whom you are too familiar to ignore on passing, yet not familiar enough to whom you would divulge a secret about a third party, usually a friend.
Acumen, n.- Superior powers of bias or prejudice.
Adam, n.- The last monogamous male.
Adapt, v. t. - To acculturate a conquered people to our language and customs.
Admiration, n.- A deference to those whose vices and villainies are more spectacular and enterprising than our own.
Adolescence, n.- The worst phase of life, containing the self centeredness of childhood, the lechery of middle age, and the self pity of old age.
Adolescent, n.- A young adult who practices foolery in preparation for the more sophisticated and discreet foolery of adulthood, such as business or politics.
Adventurer, n.- One who is always found or described by oneself in the past tense.
Adverb, n.- A poison which, like snake venom, is to be used very sparingly and exactly, as it actually helps deter the disease of dullness in one's own body of literature. Often, however, in the hands of young practitioners, it kills the host but not the malady.
Advertising, n.- According to George Orwell, "The sound of a stick rattling inside a swill bucket," the swill being, among other things, 1984 and Animal Farm.
Advocate, n.- A sour voiced lout who presumes himself omniscient enough to meddle in the affairs of total strangers.
Affirmative Action,- A gun put to the government's head to get it to do what it should not have to be coerced to do.
Affluence, n.- A state of economic prosperity, so named by those too guilty or modest to call themselves "filthy rich."
Age, n.- Mother Nature's ingenious plan for maintaining the balance between good and evil. It has thus far failed spectacularly, as the good are struck down in the spring of their lives while the other faction is allowed to cling to its egregious ways with Methusalah-like tenacity.
Agoraphobia, n.- A pathological dread of seeing too much of our world at once.
AIDS,- A sexually transmitted disease (See "Children"); An acronym for "Abstinence is Definitely Safer."
Alibi, n.- A story vindicating one from guilt for a heinous crime by establishing that he was in the commission of a less heinous one.
Aloofness, n.- A despicable combination of superiority and tolerance, mistaken by optimists for a virtue called "shyness."
Altruist, n.- One who thrives on ridicule and ingratitude (See "Christian").
Ambivalence, n.- Logic's Last Stand; An uncertain state of mind. Males of the species have vacillated over whether it is solely in the domain of the female mind.
Ambulance, n.- An emergency vehicle driven recklessly for the purpose of circumventing traffic during lunch hour and providing stamina and livelihood for lawyers.
Ambition, n.- That short lived virtue of hard work and diligence that promises the ways and means of impunity.
Amoralist, n.- A freeman who is enviably between two worlds, one of which is inhabited by ascetics who secretly yearn for the other world, which is populated by the jaded.
Anarchy, n.- Malcontents scrambling for power.
Anchorite, n.- Someone who had turned state's evidence and hides in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
Androcles, n.- The Roman slave who was spared by a lion from whose paw he had long ago extracted a thorn. This Aesopian fable of Altruism is marred only by the (unpublished) fact that the feline later escaped and ate Androcles' entire family, being unimpressed by the familial resemblance. Another account, thanks to Mr. Apewell in The Unknown History of the World, tells of the lion later eating Androcles himself, having considered his debt paid to the noble slave back in the arena.
Angry Young Man,- A future Disillusioned Old Fart.
Animus, n.- A hostile feeling. When aimed at politicians and lawyers, it becomes unanimous.
Anniversary, n.- For gentiles, a day of Atonement.
Anoint, v. t.- To foil the Devil's grasp on a highly qualified applicant.
Anonymous, n.- The world's only humble writer.
Answer, n.- An oblique reply to a direct inquiry.
Anthologist, n.- A literary antique dealer who commonly stocks his shelves with bric-a-brac from his own hovel.
Anthrax, n. - A sexually transmitted disease among Mediterranean men.
Anticipation, n.- A joke about blind hope, of which disillusion is the punchline.
Apathy, n.- A worn out whore whose maiden name was Idealism.
Apolitical, adj.- A benefit for anyone blessed with anosmia.
Archeology, n.- Scholarly necrophilia.
Archeologist, n.- A common graverobber with diplomatic immunity.
Arraignment, n.- The panegyric of the common man.
Assassin, n.- The policeman's benefactor and hangman's rival.
Assassination, n.- An unfortunate circumvention of the chain of command; A crude but highly effective form of eugenics.
Assuage, v. t.- To shrewdly lay the groundwork for future iniquity.
Astrology, n.- A pseudo-science relegated by an intelligent public to the same twilight of obscurity as alchemy and phrenology.
Atheist, n.- One who scorns a belief in God and would go to the stake to defend his faith; A pigheaded agnostic, as agnosticism is the closest that we can get to nonbelief without sounding like dogmatic idiots. There is no stronger argument to disprove God than one to prove His existence. Both sides, however, conduct themselves with an air of smug enlightenment and superiority, as if privy to information that reduces the other camp to a gaggle of silly geese. Such information, of course, is never forthcoming, though each faction's assessment of the other is correct.
Attorney General, n.- An overrated shyster who takes their job title too literally, as they sometimes assume scarcely limited control over law enforcement operations (See "Waco").
Australopithecus afarensis, n.- Arguably, the last stage of Man's evolution.
Autonomous, adj.- Free to tyrannize without external intervention or advice.
Baby, n.- A human infant, characterized by its all consuming egocentricity and total ignorance of the wants and needs of others, as distinguished from an adult human, who has since learned how to disguise these defects in acts of philanthropy and politics.
Baccalaureate, n.- A degree awarded to an undergraduate for surviving many homages to Bacchus.
Bail, n.- The privilege of well-to-do murderers, rapists, and drug dealers, and one denied the poor man who steals a loaf of bread. The concept of bail originated in the Vatican of the early 14th century, under the despotic rule of Pope John XXII. The supplicant would be shrived and absolved from all past sins, absolution taking effect at the gong in the burnished gold pot. In modern times, however, this donation to the state's despot, or the Governor, is but a down payment, exoneration being effected with the remittance of the fine.
Bailor, n.- (See "Underwriter") A large scale dupe, beloved of highly ambulatory offenders.
Bailiff, n.- A glorified turnkey who has mysteriously been given the rare and exalted privilege of eavesdropping on the misery of others.
Balance of power,- An occasionally equal distribution of despotism among nations, one being no more iniquitous than another.
Baldness, n.- Genetic sabotage, a father's revenge on his son, as a mother's on her daughter is fertility.
Ballot, n.- The collective birth certificate of a Frankenstein.
Ballplayer, n.- A union rabble rouser reputedly with strong athletic pretensions.
Bank, n.- Especially as regards overseas, a financial laundrymat for American politicians and drug czars.
Barrette, n.- A hair ornament used mostly by adolescent females to tightly secure the hair and the blood from the scalp, the ensuing numbness resulting in giddiness and undue laughter.
Because, conj.- An ingeniously condensed preface to a lame excuse. So often it is the beginning of an account of a derailment in a train of desired effect, this lexicographer humbly submits that a different prefix be inserted, such as "decause."
Bed, n.- A piece of bedroom furniture, on which civilized humans spend a third of their lives and homeless people about one one hundredth.
Bell, Alexander Graham,- (1847-1922), U. S. inventor of the telephone. On his death, his widow was presented with a bill for her husband's accidental transmission consisting of, "Watson, come here."
Bellboy, n.- The last line of defense after the successful circumvention of the airport baggage mishandlers and the impatient cabbie.
Beneficiary, n.- A person who has two reasons for rejoicing.
Bestseller, n.- A book built up on television and destroyed in the movies.
Beveridge, Albert Jeremiah,- (1862-1927) U. S. Senator who was cremated and buried in a 32 ounce container.
Bias, n.- A benevolent prejudice.
Bible, n.- The only outrageous collection of fairy tales and divinely inspired sadism that continues to support a living religion in the otherwise modern world.
Bibliography, n.- A list of indictments against an author.
Bibliophile, n.- An erudite packrat.
Bierce, Ambrose Gwinnett,- (1842-1913?) Known as Old Bitter, and the illustrious predecessor of the current lexicographer, who does not labor under the delusion that he is breaking virgin ground. In fact, not only has Bierce already broken it, he has produced craters too troublesome to refill and smoking, glowing fissures unlikely to ever heal. His disappearance in 1913 is generally attributed to the brief resumption of his celebrated Devil's Dictionary, beginning with a definition for "revolutionary." Thus, the demise for a man who derided Byron for his fatal journey to Missolonghi, which was at least blessed with the sublimity of an agenda.
Bigot, n.- A failed misanthrope. When young, a promising one.
Bigotry, n.- A self defeating concept, as all men are evil.
Bilingual, adj.- Capable of creating an international incident.
Birth, n.- The end of gestation and of innocence.
Birthday, n.- A day of anxiety for adults and one of atonement for their parents. Those born on September 30 have just cause to wonder of the circumstances surrounding their conception.
Bisexual, n.- One who doubles the chance for a palimony suit.
Blackmail, n.- A plot involving a politician, a known whore, and an extortionist, making one in all.
Blame, v. t.- Usually, the first step in solving a problem.
Blandish, v. t.- To flatter or influence one who is bland but well connected.
Blood, n.- Liquid capital, often accepted in lieu of money.
Blush, n.- The quietus of self righteousness.
Bohr, Niels,-(1885-1962) Nobel Prize winning Danish physicist, who stumbled upon the theory of atomic structure in a dream, which won him the prestigious award. In public accounts, Bohr stated that in the dream, he sat upon a large round body while small planet-like objects whizzed by, allegedly an allegory between planetary and atomic structure. In a private account, however, Bohr was said to have confided to Dr. Einstein at Princeton: "I had led the scientific community into believing that the large body to be a cluster of protons and neutrons, while the satellites were electrons. But in reality, the electrons were tiny representations of Dr. Freud and the large object on which I sat was an enormous face of Sarah Bernhardt. Of course, I made no mention of the subsequent nocturnal emission, as I could find no scientific analogy for it. My laundress had just removed the stain from the sheet when the telegram arrived from Stockholm."
Boone, Daniel,- (1734-1820), American trailblazer and pioneer. He represented his native state of Kentucky in the U. S. Congress, and today is half real, half mythologized, as are many of his political descendents.
Bore, n.- One with a keen mind for the obvious.
Boss, n.- An ulcer ridden wretch who brutally exploits his underpaid subordinates for the sake of monetary gain and slow advancement and who is almost the object of pity.
Boswell, James, n.- (1740-1795), A literary whoremonger who nonetheless wrote possibly the greatest biography in world literature, his Life of Samuel Johnson. In a suppressed chapter in Boswell's biography, we are afforded a rare glimpse into the Doctor's life that had been previously unknown:
"1774.
I had been engaged in a lively conversation with the good Doctor at his lodgings on Bold Court when Dr. Goldsmith and Mr. Burke made a sudden entrance. 'Greetings, dear Sirs, said the Great Lexicographer, 'Have a seat! Mr. Boswell and I were just discussing the ramifications of flatulence.'
I had at this moment begun to protest to the good Doctor, as we had in reality been discussing a method of literary composition peculiar to Chaucer's time. But a twinkle from the Great Man's left eye obliged me to desist and to wait until I could divine the destination of his new verbal perambulation.
'Flatulence?', asked Mr. Burke. 'Sir, isn't that usually beneath you?'
'Ho!, cried the Doctor, 'Capital pun! But they are always beneath me. You, Sir, would be cognizant of that if I had not the aid of this,' and Dr. Johnson grunted and belched a bit as he produced from under him a small stained pillow, 'my trusty cushion, a gift, I might add, from Mrs. Thrale on the Eve of my Dictionary's publication.'
'What is that stain upon it?', Dr. Goldsmith croaked, wrinkling his bulbous nose.
Johnson, turning the paisley pillow to his face:
'That, Sir, is the aggregate result of close upon two decades worth of flatulence. Unbeknownst to you, Dr. Goldsmith, I had long ago developed a literary game. After dining expansively on legumes, I would call visitors to me via messenger and would commence my usual discourse. After a lengthy silence, I would conspicuously cut the cheese, and wait for my guests to look out countenance. I would then declare, "Sirs, one must observe rules of decorum while I'm quoting Dr. Goldsmith." '
The Good Doctor hooted and slapped his corpulent thighs while Goldsmith,
shrieking like a Poll..."
Boycott, n.- The art of making oneself look ridiculous by deprivation; An adult temper tantrum.
Brain, n.- The largest muscle in the human body capable of electrical activity. Over the millenniums of uncivilization, operability has been diminished to 10% and human progress over the last century strongly suggests that the rate of shrinkage is not stopping. Nevertheless, it is an indubitably superior creation to its conscious manifestation, which is the mind, a consensus unanimously held by the intelligentsia.
Brainwash, v. t.- Garbage out, garbage in.
Brazil, -The largest country in South America, its main exports are aliens to be deported from the United States.
Brevity, n.- The soul of wit, currently disembodied.
Bugle, n.- In the military, the cousin of the drum, their utility seeming to be in giving away an army's position to the enemy. When playing the strains of John Phillip Sousa, some enemies have been known to give it back, largely explaining America's veneration of this composer.
Bungee Cord, n.- An elastic band which in the late 1980s had been transformed into the sport now known as "bungee jumping," played by grown and usually cautious and responsible adults who succumb to an irresistible urge to defy the invincible forces of death and gravity.
Miraculously, this absurd and pointless activity has resulted in few deaths, the most famous of which was that of Earl Heiffer of Buford's Butte, N. Carolina, who went bungee jumping while on vacation at Big Sur, CA. The instructor assured the profusely sweating Mr. Heiffer that the cord's elasticity and tensile strength would withstand the tension of a 300 lb object descending at the velocity of 420 feet per second while still stopping just short of the earth. What the instructor didn't figure in his calculations, however, was Mr. Heiffer's weight, which was 375 lbs. The ensuing impact was entirely redeemed, though, by the new apeture, which revealed an ancient Viking burial sight estimated to be 1000 years old, the cause of much excitement in the anthropological and tourist communities.
The origin of the bungee cord is said, by Constantine Apewell in The Unknown History of the World, to date back to the 1725 execution of highwayman Jonathan Wild.
"Unbeknownst to Wild or the authorities, an anonymous wag, long suspected to be Sir William Thompson, Wild's judge, had supplanted the rope for something with greater elasticity, possibly a length of India rubber. When the gallows door opened and Wild's body had disappeared and reappeared countless times, a hearty laugh was had by all, except the condemned man. After much drying of eyes, the elastic was substituted for ordinary hemp and Wild was rehanged."
Bush, George Herbert Walker,- 41st President of the United States (1989-1993), the self proclaimed "Education President." Proof of his success culminated in his being voted out of office by an edified public after an arduous four year course in the Republican School of Hard Knocks.
But, conj.- (See "yet," "however," etc.) A preface to a reneged promise.
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