Enjoy! Let me know what you think. My email address is Crawman2@Juno.com
Cabbie, n.- A motorist who picks up where the test driver left off, as he drives beyond the tolerances of his vehicle and his fares.
Calamity, n.- The infantry awaiting the return of the reconnaissance force named Opportunity.
Calendar, n.- The tabular segregation of a year-long misery.
California, n.- A state by the Pacific basin into which all the nation's hedonists are inexorably drained. The state flower is the cannibus, the state insect the Spanish fly, the state bird the bronze bellied sapsucker, and the state motto, "Can we have your autograph?"
Call Identifier,- A marvelous little device of the phone company that distinguishes a private number from an out of area number.
Camera, n.- A boxlike device that focuses on and reproduces an image. The American Indian was initially afraid of it, believing that a camera stole one's soul through the theft of their image, a theory supported by the looks of vacuity on victims of candid snapshots taken by fools already bereft of a soul.
Campaign, n.- An explosion of the myth that there is honor among thieves; The act of a mentalist, held over until November in spite of public demand. This biennial display features acts of intellectual wizardry, as the manifestant appears to read the minds of the audience, telling them what they want. Obviously, their one weakness is being unable to read the minds of anarchists. Campaign promise- To quote Wallace Stevens, something that "resists the intelligence almost successfully."
Camping, v. t.- The act of mortifying the flesh and the sensibilities of those to whom the tale is told; The masochistic practice of soliciting exposure from the elements while simultaneously relying on the unlikely forbearance of indigenous ursine predators, and paying obscene amounts of money for the privilege; A pleasant, invigorating experience in retrospect, when related to others back in the comfort and safety of one's own home.
Candidates, n. pl.- Six characters in search of an offer.
Canonical Hour- Pol. Usually the 11th hour of an election, after the supplicant had for months canonized himself on television.
Caprice, n.- The rashness of the Rich and Powerful.
Captious, adj.- Faultfinding, a charge often aimed at humorists, especially satiric lexicographers, usually by people who drive Swedish cars and part their hair on the left side.
Car, n.- A temperamental beast that has a winter residence in its local service station. Its sole purpose is in driving its owner insane.
Cardinal, n.- A miraculous creature who has learned to serve God and mammon.
Casket, n.- A gilded shoebox for a rodent named Man. In honor of more illustrious tenants, they come with locks.
Cat, n.- A small, domestic feline that is spontaneously arboreal, to the consternation of firemen and the delight of canines; A creature of magical properties, as it can teleport and materialize itself on a seat cushion a nanosecond after a human has vacated it. For this reason, they were revered by the ancient Egyptians, who thought that they had laid the animal. In modern times, they are the resident of a home who barely tolerates its human houseguests, refusing to surrender their hunting and survival instincts, thereby remaining independent of Man and assuring its continued survival.
Catholic, n.- One who, if shipwrecked in shark infested waters, will say grace before the feeding frenzy.
Caucasians, n. pl.,- A greedy, selfish tribe who flourished across the face of the earth with the aid of interracial breeding and exploration, a.k.a. rape and conquest; Collectively, an uninvited houseguest who in time displaces the owner and acquires the deed; An insecure part of humanity who accounts for well over half of the world's population, yet still institutionalizes white supremacy groups, usually in regions most lacking in minorities.
Caveat emptor,- Latin for, "The customer isn't always right, after all."
Celibacy, n.- The only sure fire cure for paternity.
Celibate, adj.- Unemployed and unpulchritudinous.
Cenotaph, n.- A monument erected for a dead person to remind the locals why they did not want him buried within the city limits.
Center, n.- The equidistant unigraphic position of every human.
Cerberus, n.- In classical mythology, a fierce dog guarding the gates of Hell, necessitating three heads in order to monitor the constant rush of incoming denizens.
Certain, adj.- Free from facts and objectivity.
Chain gang, n.- A group of convicts chained together irregardless of their partisan affiliations or elected offices.
Chain of Command,- A connected series of Missing Links, used chiefly to flog the enlisted homo sapiens.
Chance, n.- The siren of Disaster.
Chamber pot, n.- A European bedpan, used by American tourists as a wash basin.
Chardonnet, Hillaire Bernigaud, n.- (1839-1924) An alcoholic chemist.
Charity, n.- An occasionally recurring fad, it is especially popular in America because it is one that does not leave an outdated item in the closet; The poor man's philanthropy.
Chaste, adj.- Ugly, diseased, or extremely discrete.
Checks and balances,- Simultaneously, a limit and a liberation, the limit being imposed on those whose ratified evils conflict with current lawmakers who desire the liberty to ratify their own; Financial- In Congress, the latter always being the smaller of the two.
Cheer, n.- The catholicon of idiots, morons, and other optimists (See "Christian").
Chess, n.- A game for which life is too short.
Chicken, n.- A fowl, frequently the victim of superficial or mismanaged alchemy, as during cooking its skin turns golden brown while the interior is transformed to cartilage and rubber.
Chief, n.- The person in a group the most steeped in iniquities. They tend to outnumber the constituency.
Children, n. pl.- Billions of lessons on celibacy going unheeded.
Chiropractic, n.- A branch of medicine, quickly sawn off by tree surgeons from the AMA who were alarmed at the possibility of its unbalancing the rotted trunk.
Christian, n.- (See "hypocrite") One who plays Russian roulette with the Devil; A farsighted tick on a plush animal.
Christmas Island,- U. S. test center for nuclear warheads, deriving its code name from the personnel ordered to not let Santa Claus illegally cross over into American airspace.
Church, n.- A spiritual deodorant that lasts until one exits through the front door; A place where angels fear to tread.
Cigar, n.- A reeking, phallic device which, in a manly ritual of virility, is vigorously shoved into the mouth, as after the fathering of a child.
Circular, n.- A square piece of paper.
Civil Liberty,- Alleged freedoms supposedly enjoyed by a nation's citizens. There are two great abuses of it: The second greatest is in not exercising one's right to vote. The greatest is to make use of it.
Civilization, n.- A delusion of grandeur peculiar only to humankind for 5000 years.
Civil Servant, n.- A double misnomer, as these wretched creatures are neither civil nor expeditious as servants; A person who secures employment from a municipality by passing a test that gauges their basic belligerence.
Claustrophobe, n.- One who is to space what a Republican is to money.
Clergyman, n.- A holy man who has all of the answers and none of the solutions.
Clinton, Bill,- 42nd President of the United States (1993- ). To the nation's feminists, The First Gentleman; To Tennesseans, Al Gore's boss; To felines, the caretaker of Socks.
Clown, n.- A circus performer who apes the public without relying heavily on artistic license.
Cocaine, n.- An international commodity that in the last decade had supplanted the gold standard.
Coffee, n.- The only known antidote for morning, besides afternoon and suicide.
Coincidence, n.- Plagiarism with amnesia.
Colleague, n.- A potential cellmate.
Color, n.- An enviable attribute of so called minorities, as opposed to Caucasians, who have no color, but plenty of commentary, much of it denigrating to those who are of color.
Colloquy, n.- Two or more simultaneous soliloquys.
Comeuppance, n.- In politics, something not succeeded often enough by comedownance.
Committee, n.- A dull witted, slow moving, ambivalent, and multicephalic animal that is nonetheless our only hope against that juggernaut named Progress.
Common law marriage,- A state of matrimony involving a couple too cheap to pay for a motel room.
Company, n.- A maddening, faceless entity that, when proven to whom that one cannot remit a certain amount of money, subsequently attempts to extort a larger one.
Compare, v. t.- To weigh one evil against a lesser one. Most people settle on the latter and call it "morality."
Competence, n.- Its own worst punishment and the mother of exploitation.
Complex plane,- Any heavier than air aircraft to a flight mechanic. U. S. Air's jets are especially complicated.
Complicate, v. t.- To introduce into a carefully worked out plan an unforeseen equation, such as surveillance.
Complot, v. t., v. i.- To trust another complicitly.
Complimentary, adj.- A friendly method of jacking up someone's bill while maintaining the profit margin from the allegedly free item.
Computer, n.- An ingenious device used chiefly for the destruction of human lives without human responsibility.
Conception, n.- The supernatural shanghaiing of an innocent soul to this nest of woe.
Condemn, v. t.- To express a strong judgment against one accountable to a moral and/or legal code from which the condemnor is exempt.
Condolence, n.- A hybrid of pity and relief.
Condom, n.- A miracle cure for satyriasis; A birth control device that in its ingenious simplicity has a backup system. Secondarily, it acts as a sieve to greatly retard the introduction of semen, and in its primary capacity renders a sustained erection a virtual impossibility. They are bought from vending machines by urchins to make water balloons.
Confession, n.- Plea bargaining before Judgment Day.
Confession booth, n.- A magic box operated by a charlatan which, when it admits a hellion, shortly produces a saint. The Metamorphosis, however, is only of the most tenable and temporary variety, lasting roughly until the Transformed is once again exposed to the withering and debilitating effects of daylight, inimical and/or fatal to such and related creatures, such as vampires.
Confessional poet, n.- One who, in the public appeal for absolution, only commits a more grievous sin, against literature.
Confidant, n.- Fr. for "One who has been entrusted with the discreet dissemination of a secret."
Confidence, n.- The ability to blind oneself to one's limitations, the law of averages, and the power of reprisal from others.
Confirmed, adj.- Twice as wrong.
Congress, n.- Government inaction.
Conscience, n.- A quality beloved of politicians so much, they develop two of them (along with campaign ledgers and sexual lives), the cleaner one being presented to potential buyers during election years.
Conscript, v. t.- To forcibly produce cannon fodder, especially from the young literary set.(< L conscriptus = con-against + scriptus-writers).
Conspiracy, n.- (See "Legislation").
Consumer price index,- A gauge that charts a steady increase in the cost of living, without which many avaricious corporations and individuals would lose sadistic and vicarious enjoyment.
Contraction, n.- A shortcut to Babel.
Controversial, adj.- The ability to outrage two opposing sides with the truth.
Convenience, n.- A legitimate godsend to the slothful.
Conversation, n.- The most economical method of compressing the greatest number of words into the smallest amount of sense; Nymphomania of the tongue and impotence of the mind, necessitating an intellectual penile implant, such as a college degree.
Conviction, n.- Political dogma, the interpretation of which is variously predicated on demographics, opinion polls, and whether or not one gets elected. A concession speech is a prime example of this ambivalence, whereby the vanquished candidate does not hose the mud off the victor but whitewashes him, rather, after rightfully telling the people that he is a miscreant and a buffoon. The number of coats is commensurate with the odds of securing some half hearted political preferment after the inauguration. Sadly, convictions for politicians in the electoral coliseum are rarer than those in the courtroom.
Cordless Phone, n.- A manifold device acting as both a phone and a CB and walkie-talkie receiver.
Corroborate, v. t.- To perjure with more than one witness.
County seat,- The seat of government in a county, usually shinier than the rest of the county suit.
Courtroom, n.- An asylum where the healthy are fed vitamins and lepers shaken; A funhouse mirror of veracity.
Credentials, n. pl.- A burglar's tools put on public display.
Criminal, n.- A freelance entrepreneur and businessman who has finally transgressed the patience of even the iniquitous public; In one's mind, another who had bested him in mutual plundering.
Critic, n.- The ungifted child who in a minute kicks down a sandcastle that took hours for a gifted child to make.
Crucifixion, The,- A great parable on the dangers of Altruism. In The Unknown History of the World, Constantine Apewell tells us of the nameless pair of thieves hung on either side of Jesus:
After watching the Agony and death of Christ, one thief looked to the other and asked,
"What do you suppose his crime was?"
"Instituting prayer."
"For that they crucified Jesus?"
"He wanted it done in the schools, too."
Curtsy, n.- A short bow made by women, usually to statesmen and royal scoundrels, in such a way as to prevent an ill advised revelation of their undergarments.
Custard, n.- A pyoid substance given to children as a generic punishment for undetected misdeeds.
Customer, n.- The patron of a business, often surly, rude, sullen, belligerent, and often combative. Someone who is always right, according to some justifiably obscure sloganeer who has since made infinitely more miserable the lives of countless cashiers, clerks, waitresses, and gas attendants. Rumor has it that this slogan genius was an agoraphobe who never ventured outside his front door, to the enrichment of the rest of the world.
Cymbals, n. pl.- Remedial noisemakers for the musically challenged.
Czar, n.- Formerly, an emperor or king. In the Bush administration of the early 90's, however, it was reincarnated as part of the President's tough stance on illegal narcotics. This, of course, alludes to the troubling title of "Drug Czar."
Damocles, Sword of,- Surely, the best moral ever told about the pursuit of happiness.
Dangerous, adj.- Having a lawyer on retainer or in an open shark tank.
Danish Virgin Islands- The name of a chain of islands formerly owned by Denmark then sold to the U. S. when the last virgin made the name a misnomer. The present name of the United States Virgin Islands proves that America does not feel as restricted as the Danes by veracity.
Dark Ages,- Arguably, any period in the earth's history when the dominant life form is Man.
Darwinism, n.- The theory of Charles Darwin (1809-1892), stating that the fittest individuals of all species survive, adapting to climate, food supply, etc. This is surely the most logical explanation for the thriving homo sapien, who is aided only by his central climate controlled homes, similarly equipped vehicles, clothes made of artificial materials, artificially produced food, etc. The Darwinian theory is beloved of campers and other erstwhile nature enthusiasts who bring with them on their excursions only the barest minimum of survival gear, such as power generators, mosquito netting, portable heaters, hibachis, waterproof tents, motor homes, etc.
Dead heat,- A race with at least two equally cunning cheaters.
Deaf-and dumb, adj.- Insensitive to and incapable of slander.
Death, n.- The world's best laxative; The conclusion of life but not of folly, with a business, an etiquette, and hypocrisy intended strictly for the living.
Debate, n., v.- Pol. A verbal duel, the choice of weapons being balls of mud, dead cats, or the issues. The third weapon mysteriously disappears until after the duel has been fought, when it is misappropriated by the peanut crunching spectators who witnessed the debacle; A modest sized circus, with only two rings dominated by each back-pedaling clown or candidate. The spectacle is presided over by a ringmaster known as a mediator, after the sideshow, or primary, has been passed.
Decadence, n.- A fall from the dizzying spires of fashion and social mores down to the earth of one's individuality.
Decay, v. t.- To return to that from which we came, neatly explaining Man's repugnance of ordure and cesspools.
Decide, v. t.- To impatiently wave aside the less persuasive of two opposing influences.
Decisiveness, n.- Psychological earwax, removable by the Q-tip of achievement.
Defection, n.- The substitution of one tyranny for another.
Defiance, n.- An admirable resistance to logic, reason, and humanity.
Delegate, v. t.- To transfer responsibility and, therefore, culpability.
Delight, n.- An attractive little lure on a hook, which is manned at the other end by the Cosmic Fisherman.
Democrat, n.- Usually, a liberal politician, as opposed to one of the other party, or an autocrat, a self motivated politician; A politician who is personally responsible for the deficit, inflation, global warming, and the first two Ice Ages, according to Rush Limbaugh and other self appointed Republican pundits.
Demographics, n. pl.- Mathematical evidence that crime does pay.
Depression, n.- Economically, a period of great inflation and distress (See "diet"); Politically (especially as regards Republicans), a science fiction concept invented by some 250,000,000 wouldbe authors; A form of calmness that garbs the working class.
Derelict, adj.- Unworthy of exploitation.
Detractor, n.- One who attempts to dissuade us from folly and vice.
Device, n.- An item for human use. When held in a human hand, it becomes an instrument, or weapon.
Devotion, n.- A kind of emotional tape tenuously binding one to another even after it has lost its original adhesiveness; A feeble, self righteous excuse for missed opportunity.
Diet, n.- One of the analogues of the Seven Deadly Sins, or the Seven Cardinal Abstentions. A diet is the mortal enemy of its nemesis, Gluttony.
Diploma, n.- An educational certificate, especially in college, given only to those with the hardiest livers and the highest propensity for various other types of debauchery or sensory and sleep deprivation. Colloquially known as a "sheepskin," and, in a polyester post graduate environment, just as useful as one.
Diplomatic immunity,- Total legal immunity granted to cosmopolitan criminals.
Director, n.- In films, one whose name appears on the list of credits in descending order of importance.
Discipline, n.- An attribute beloved of pragmatists and the other undead. Intelligence without discipline gives us erratic but colorful geniuses. Discipline without intelligence gives us bureaucrats.
Distaff, n.- The mother's side of one's family, as opposed to the father's side, the Falstaff.
Divorce, n.- The logical end to marriage and the legitimizing of promiscuity, often costing the plaintiff the near total forfeiture of his property. Whoever said that the best things in life were free obviously never got one.
D. O. A.- An administrative nightmare for ER nurses, as they cannot extract badly needed information from the unresponsive subject for the admission and insurance forms.
Dog, n.- An animal (canis domesticus) that sterilizes its tongue whenever necessary, an ability necessarily lacking in Man (homo vindictus), as the sheer frequency of such a habit would wear the tongue down to a stub and render us mute, proof that Nature always conforms to need, not always for the better.
Dogma, n.- An ecclesiastic wall built not so much to keep out heathens, but to keep its flock from fleeing; A partial palindrome for modern Christians.
Doom, n.- The infinitely patient beneficiary of all human endeavor.
Doomsday, n.- The end of all creation, when naught will be salvaged for the New World, save for I Love Lucy reruns and fruitcake.
Door, n.- A hinged portal, through which pass our enemies, not always exiting.
Doughnut shop,- A place of rampant crime and consequently of stakeouts, to judge by the immense number of law enforcement officials across the country who operate at such establishments. So firm is their sense of duty to these self appointed posts that they will not even exit their cruisers when appealed to by citizens in dire need of transportation or of other nonessential assistance.
Dracula, n.- A bloodsucking creature of literature, there is no definitive proof that Bram Stoker based his character on the Tory, or Republican, party, despite circumstantial evidence.
Duty, n.- A kind of professional responsibility appealing to the highest nobility of Man. It is often ignored and always onerous, as one "undertakes" responsibility and "discharges" duty.
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