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E mail, - Electronic mail, or silliness with an environmental conscience.
Ear, n.- A complicated listening device commonly found attached to a drinking glass adjunct to a wall. The inner ear ends with the Eustachian tube, which circumvents the brain and connects to its counterpart at the other ear whereupon unwanted words of advice, censure, or warning are then removed by an emphatic shake of the head.
Earth, n.- A flying dunghill of schizophrenics aptly located between planets named for the deities of Love and War; An 8000 mile wide Petrie dish of an out of control accident, which is Man.
Echelon, n.- A complicated ladder leading from the floor of the poorhouse up to the penthouse. Some have been known to fall off this ladder, but it always more entertaining for those in the poorhouse to see them get pushed off.
Echo, n.- The sigh of disappointment after an election; A refutation subsequent to an indictment; The coverup following a fundraiser.
Ecocide, n.- The slow murder of the earth, punishable by a fine payable through underwriters or "taxpayers." A successful loophole of this infraction is commonly called "progress."
Economics, n.- An abstract concept that says, in essence, that not only does crime pay, but reaps high yield dividends, stock options, and a 401 K plan.
Editorial, n.- The manifesto of a jingoist.
Editor, n.- One who reads in haste and replies at leisure.
Education, n.- The first, longest, and costliest step on the road to Ignorance.
Eggplant, n.- A symbol of the culinary tenaciousness of man, as he has for centuries labored to make it palatable, without success.
Egypt, n- An ancient kingdom in NE Africa, one of the greatest the world has ever seen. For thousands of years its art, architecture, and customs almost constantly remained stagnant. Today, it is annually visited by legions of venerating Republicans.
Ejaculate, n.- A sudden seminal remark, usually resulting in a pregnant pause followed by a stillborn response.
Election, n.- To the voter, the figurative period of time just prior to Lucy once again snatching the football away from Charlie Brown; A smaller, ergo, necessary evil, the greater being anarchy.
Electoral College,- The School of Hard Knocks.
Elephant, n.- A pachyderm, and an ingeniously apt symbol of the Republican party. As with its slightly less abdominous analogues, the elephant mates once every few years, constantly travels in search of watering holes, crushes everything beneath it, and is never far from a circus (See "Debate").
Eliot, T. S.- (1888-1965) American-Anglo poet, who in poems such as Prufrock, Sweeny Agonistes, and Gerontion made himself a legend in his own rime.
Embargo, n.- When a wimpy boy retaliates for getting beaten daily for his lunch by no longer bringing food to school, provoking the bully to further subsequent violence; The political art of starving innocent civilians to death in the name of peace.
Emigrant, n.- A refugee in the process of becoming a victim.
Empirical, adj.- Impeccably forged.
Endear, v. t.- The paying of an emotional homage to a superlative thespian, who retires from his trade at a farewell party known as "the reception."
Endorse, v. t.- To forge an unholy alliance or a check.
Endowment, n.- The most lucrative outcome of blackmail.
Enema, n.- (See "Brainwashed")
English, n.- The second official language of New York; The world's most popular language, with an ego to match, as it commonly bastardizes ethnic names and foreign words under the guise of "anglicizing" for the benefit of its wooden tongued speakers.
Ennui, n.- The boredom of the Rich, who are too disinterested in despair.
Enthusiast, n.- A braying ass who spends their life and exorbitant amounts of capital to risk dismemberment, exposure, and various psychological trauma (See "Masochist").
Envelope, n.- After delivery, the winding sheet of a bill.
Envy, n.- A form of jealousy over the fortune of another, and the second greatest motivation behind the progress of Mankind.
Epigrammatist, n.- A literary genius with the creative stamina of a chain smoker.
Epitaph, n.- A postmortem salvo.
Epithalamion, n.- A poem written and recited in honor of the bride and groom, usually in the form of a limerick.
E pluribus unum,- The motto of the U. S., Latin for "Out of many, one," most likely a reference to the one Congressman not under indictment.
Epoch-making, adj.- Opening a new era of tyranny by destroying an old one.
Erection, n.- A multi inch salute to a sexual martinet.
Ergonomic, adj.- Egonomic; The philosophy that everything in the universe much conform to the shape and needs of our beautiful bodies.
Erotica, n.- The pornography of a PhD.
Establishment, n.- A marvelous machine that makes corrupt bodies legitimate and legitimate bodies corrupt.
Ethnology, n.- A massive and highly abstract rape, robbery, and murder investigation.
Ethos, n.- Lit. The morality of a drama, usually resulting in bathos.
Etiquette, n.- Genteel slavery; The art of forbidding anything that is comfortable or natural to normal human behavior and our anatomies.
Eucharist, n.- Children playacting cannabalism with vessels and finery more gilded than those used by the semibarbarians who allegedly presided over the first Last Supper.
Eulogize, v. t.- The fine and delicate art of marshaling into one's sphere of tyranny the newly despotless subjects of the eulogized.
Event, n.- In history, an accidental or inglorious happening, the importance of which is geometrically bloated by ignorants born centuries after the fact. The Magna Carta, for example, should have read thusly:
"Therefore, King John agrees to keep his grubby, avaricious paws off the assets of we equally grubby and avaricious barons..."
Yet, in what is today regarded as the foundation of the modern English judicial system, the Charter was primarily a way of desperately protecting capital and chattle from a rapacious scoundrel who, in a strange alliance with his lifelong enemy the Pope, had no intention of honoring it. This intention of preserving private property, however, is still extant today in divorce and small claims courts.
Everyman, n.- A series of publications devoted to the classics. Recently, however, Everyman has been supplanted by Walkman.
Everything, n.- Enough.
Evil, n.- According to Zoroastrian philosophy, the loser by default in a battle with Good, as it never showed up for the fight.
Excommunicate, v. t.- Liberate; A supreme manifestation of misanthropism, as the governing body sets loose an infidel for the purpose of inflicting his subversiveness on others, usually rival religions.
Exit poll,- The needle that deflates a vanquished candidate, who expends his remaining hot air in the concession speech to dry the crocodile tears of his supporters and the real ones of his investors.
Exotic, adj.- A foreigner's banality.
Explosion, n.- Usually, Nature's rebuttal of a theory.
Extramarital, adj.- Soliciting alimony and palimony suits.
Extraterrestrial, n.- A creature from another world, whose existence has yet to be empirically proven. In order to flush out these people, earth's scientists have been sending out binary messages and Elvis Presley recordings while a bored militia casually awaits the results.
Extremist, n.- One who asks for unreasonable concessions, such as honesty in government.
Eyesore, n.- A historical monument pulling down property values.
Fairness, adj.- A quality of judges ambivalent about to whom they should sell themselves.
Fallen woman,- Any woman formerly dependent on a man for support.
Falsehood, n.- The efficacy of prayer, the honesty of lawyers, and the benevolence of statesmen.
Fame, n.- The stigma of notoriety attached to a blackguard without an aptitude for discretion.
Family Tree, n.- A metaphorical arbor representing a family's lineage, under which are buried countless anonymous rape victims.
Famine, n.- An elaborate hoax sprung upon an alarmed gentry by people of Third World countries who have a combined weight of about 300 pounds.
Fanatic, n.- One who is vehemently opposed to our ideas of order.
Fatherhood, n.- The state of being an indefinitely indentured servant to at least two people.
Fatima, n.- A village N. of Lisbon in Portugal, after which is named the holy apparition seen by three Portuguese girls in 1938. To these virginal and devout believers, Our Lady of Fatima imparted three secrets, the last of which was never publicly revealed. Cashing in on the mystique, an advertising company once developed a commercial in which an impossibly beautiful vision in a form not unlike the Virgin Mary leaned and whispered to a trio of girls in a state of profound rapture the ingredients for a fast food chain's newest hamburger.
Favor, n.- A rain check for an act of perfidy.
F. D. A.- An acronym for Fickle Drug Administration, which permits the sale of carcinogen causing products while banning breast examination aids and proven life saving medications.
Fecundity, n.- A hurricane of literary activity, as its center is null and void.
Female, n.- A sweet, loving, nurturing angel of mercy, until they begin to understand the opposite sex.
Felon, n.- An inflammation of the fingers, turning them red, usually belonging to detected felons, the whitlow's eponym.
Fence, n.- "Good fences make good neighbors."- Robert Frost, "Mending Wall." Anyone who has ever been incarcerated in Suburbia would readily attest to the veracity of this previously cryptic maxim, which is a genial paraphrase of Gen Sheridan's, "The only good Indian is a dead Indian."
Fig leaf, n.- An ornament bringing into conspicuous relief an allegedly indecent feature which existence is already well known. It failed miserably with God, yet a censorious mankind has continued to use its various incarnations with quasi-zealous devotion.
Film, n.- A sometimes efficacious art form, as it draws out real emotional reactions by means of artificial emotions bombasted by artificial people. Some films are renowned for their realism, many of them documentaries. Film directory- The couch potato's Bible, dictionary, and Shakespeare.
Finish, v. t.- To terminate patience; Abandon, especially as regards poets.
Firing squad,- A military detachment dispatched to burials of statesmen, always three days late.
Fishing, n.- The act of creating stories concerned solely with angling, conceived by authors with extrememly poor wardrobes.
Five Year Plan,- A sophomoric attempt by first year Presidents to hedge against being ousted in the next campaign.
Five Star restaurant,- So named for it enumerates the number of stars seen by a patron hit with the bill.
Fix, v. t.- Usually, to unnecessarily alter or improve, which lasts until implementation.
Florida, n.- A contemptible, mosquito-riddled moral as to why President Lincoln should've allowed the South to secede from the Union. The poet Elizabeth Bishop called it "the state with the prettiest name," just as "leukemia" is the prettiest name of all the cancers.
Flowers, n. pl.- Fast rotting, allergenic vegetation, used as a love offering.
Fly, n.- According to Darwinian principle, Mankind's heir.
F number- A photographic term relating to lens length in ratio to its diameter. When miscalculated by amateur photographers, the f number is superceded by the f word.
Folk,- Music of understandably anonymous authorship, for the musically challenged, by the musically challenged.
Football, n.- An allegory of American politics, the Quarterback being the President, who flings the Pigskin of Political Preferment and Nepotism toward a Wide Receiver, who is a former college roommate, and over the heads of the considerably older Referees and Umpires, who are the Supreme Court.
Forbes 500,- The S.E.C.'s 500 most wanted.
France, n.- A haven for American tourists with masochistic tendencies. Considering their ongoing belligerence toward their liberators, they should serve as an example of the virtues of American isolationism.
Frankenstein, n.- A parable by Mary Shelley (1818) on the democratic voting system.
Free enterprise,- A contradiction in terms, as it is impossible to engage in any form of enterprise without the economic enslavement of at least oneself; An economic sea through which swim the Sirens of greed importuning innocent businessmen towards the Conflicts of Interest, only to dash themselves on the Reefs of Righteousness.
Freedom, n.- A nonexistent, self destructive concept, especially in the United States, as it allows for elements that would seek to abolish said concept if given prominence.
Friday, n.- The beginning of a two day journey toward a five day period of regret.
Friend, n.- One who remains faithful when all others have had the sense to abandon you.
Futility, n.- (as in exercise in...) E.g. Naming a cat.
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