Enjoy! Let me know what you think. My email address is Crawman2@Juno.comGotham City (formerly Redmond), WA- In a bold and unexpected move at a national meeting of Microsoft stockholders, CEO Bill Gates announced that he will be henceforth known as OS Man, America's first corporate superhero.
"Now, technically," explained Gates after dramatically ripping off his three piece Brooks Brothers double-breasted suit in one move, revealing a costume with the Windows logo on the chest, "Iron Man is the world's first corporate superhero. However, Stark Industries has had to hire freelance super goons ever since Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, had tried to download Windows '98 in his suit."
As reported last year, after installing the new operating system in his suit of armor, Iron Man would unexpectedly crash for no other reason than a "general default" message that showed up in the LED readout in his helmet. It was also reported that Stark would see nothing but 404's when trying to fly to a certain destination. Once, when streaking to a crime scene where terrorists had taken over the Sears Tower in Chicago, Iron Man accidentally flew/crashed into a bingo parlor in Des Moines, Iowa filled with senior citizens and overweight single mothers.
Some say that Gates deliberately corrupted Stark's iron suit by substituting the real operating system for an off-the-shelf copy of Windows '98, thereby opening the door for him to become the world's only corporate superhero.
When asked what his powers were as OS Man, Gates said only, "My job will be to protect Microsoft's rights to dominate the planet and ensure the rights of every one of the mindless, powerless drones who depend upon my operating system to remain dependent on me."
Gates was then asked what the difference would be between him and a super villain.
"My reign would be a benevolent one. I mean, look at my suit. How many super villains can claim that their wives made their costumes? The Windows logo on the chest was my idea, but the OS, closely patterned on Superman's font, was hers. She also did all the sewing, as well as stitching in the pectoral, abdominal, bicep, tricep, and thigh muscle pads."
Insiders, however, have disclosed some of OS Man's powers.
Using extending antennas built into his cowl, Gates, as OS Man, would be able to beam fatal viruses to enemy defense supercomputers, although one source said that this virus was simply an upgrade of Windows '98. The virus, called "The Purple Monster", will corrupt the defense computers' guidance systems and cause missiles to crash without warning in a manner reminiscent of Iron Man, whose suit is still being worked on at Comp USA, thanks to their extended service plan.
Alleged super villains targeted by OS Man were skeptical and amused, such as Netscape Lady, Linux Man and Unix.
"I think this is a load of horse hockey," said the masked Unix. "I mean, Gates has no tactical experience and I seriously doubt if he can even fly. Don't be fooled by the little propeller on the top of his cowl."
"People were wary when Batman first came on the scene," adds Netscape Lady. "But he turned out to be OK once you got past the hanging upside down at bedtime thing. Also, like Batman with Catwoman, OS Man has been hot for me. He wants to eat me alive, although he denies this."
At the stockholder's meeting, Gates added, "My mission statement as the world's only corporate superhero is thus: To fight for truth, justice, and the Microsoft way. I'd say 'the American way,' but I already own most of the country, anyway."
When asked if he had a sidekick, Gates looked down at his powder blue patent leather booties and said,
"Yes. Binary Boy. But he was killed fighting the Nazis in World War II."
Then the Microsoft CEO/superhero brightened and touched a button on the podium, revealing a vehicle that looked like a cross between a PC and a sportscar.
"Since I cannot fly or even surf, my striking distance would be severely limited without transportation, so…" and he waved at the beige PC/car as Vanna White, sitting in the driver seat, waved to the thunderstruck shareholders, "this is what I'll be using to get around. The windshield is actually a two dimensional, one way monitor that gives me navigational readings."
"What will you be using as an operating system for the car, OS Man? Windows '98?", asked a man in the audience.
In response, Gates looked at the stockholder as if he had turtles crawling out of his ears. Ignoring the question, OS Man continued.
"The ignition, transmission, and all power functions are done strictly by keyboard. The steering is done by mouse and I can shift gears ten times a minute with no errors," he said proudly. "Carpal tunnel and RSI's have resulted in several accidents during the trial runs, but we're already attacking the design flaws.
"The OSMobile, as I call it, is solar-powered, and can travel at speeds upward of 55 miles an hour, which will enable me to barely keep up with traffic on the LIE or Los Angeles Expressway, if called there."
The CEO then added balefully, "Hackers and software pirates, beware." Gates then adjourned the shareholders meeting with a swish of his purple cape as he retreated to his newly built $56,000,000 lair, the Gatesway.
Enjoy! Let me know what you think. My email address is Crawman2@Juno.com