Durham, NC-In a spirited and courageous speech, Philip Morris' CEO, Bob Haynes, vigorously denied that the tobacco industry was targeting children in their advertising campaigns to a group of first graders at Tobacco Road Elementary School.
"Yet," he continued, "let us not forget the pioneering spirits who were our founding fathers, for they, too, were in the tobacco industry. Yes, Washington, Jefferson, they all grew tobacco and the negroes real jobs, introducing tobacco's smooth, rich taste to the indians and the real Americans."
Then Haynes crushed out his Marlboro, stepped from the stage, and passed out candy cigarettes to the children.
"That was brave of the tobacco industry, represented by Bob, to confront those five- and six-year olds and to tell them the truth," said former GOP pol-turned-Viagra pitchman Bob Dole. "Now, let's talk erectile dysfunction, as much as it publicly humiliates me…"