timesJokes
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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day
getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking
her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the
left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk
her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the
post on
the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her
again. Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket
with
her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my
belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and
my wife walked in.....
2nd Farmer Joke
A big-city, New York lawyer went duck hunting with some friends
in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer
responded, "I shot a duck, it
fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old weather-beaten farmer replied, "No you ain't. This
is my property and you ain't coming over here." The
indignant lawyer said, "I am one of
the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get
that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." A
small smile lit up the old farmer's
face and he said, "Apparently, you ain't from around here
and don't know how we do things here in Georgia. We settle small
disagreements like this with the Georgia Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Georgia Three-Kick
Rule?"
The old Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times
and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the worn-out old codger. The
lawyer said, "I agree to
abide by your local custom--and I'll whip your butt, old
man."
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the big city lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his
heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick
nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat
on his belly when the
farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
his hands and knees, looked up at the farmer and said,
"Okay, you old coot! Now, it's
my turn!"
The old farmer smiled down at the lawyer and quietly said,
"No, I give up. You can have the duck!"
AUDI: Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW: Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On
Luck Every Time
DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD: Frigin Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
GM: General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC: Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
HONDA: Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And
Inexpensive...
MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's
Irregular
Leftover Equipment
SAAB: Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW: Virtually Worthless
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent
to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that
he could not go to heaven
right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated
on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into
heaven
would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for
the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a
small price to
pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous
woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw
his friend
Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman
than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him
what was going on,
and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed
the government out of a lot of money...even more then you
did." They
both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long
as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out
together to
help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women
were walking along, Minding their own business when Tony and
Carlos could
have sworn that they Saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man
was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was
their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable
goddess, while they
were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have
no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been
absolutely the
best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the
best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only
one thing
that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex,
she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes'!"
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the
morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into
bed. He's laying in
bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart His wife wakes up and asks,
"What the hell was that?" He replies, "Touchdown,
I am winning 7 nothing." She thinks to herself "I'm
gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose. He yells at her,
"What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie
score." Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her."
He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one
up. He tries so hard he shits in bed. The wife asks,
"Now what the hell was that?" He replied, "Half
time, switch sides."
Computer Acronyms all should know:
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer
Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing
Entity
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating
System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry
Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in
Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
Hangs
A Guide To Disruptive Revolutionary
Tactics for
High-Schoolers!! DiGiTaL & ChAoS did them
all!!
1. Get a syringe (minus needle) or similar
device. Mix both tubes of epoxy glue with a little rubbing
alcohol. You now have about half an hour to fill locks, door
jambs, etc. before glue hardens. If you can't get the epoxy glue
and syringe a tube of airplane cement can also be used although
it is not as permanent.
2. An alternative use for the syringe is to pretend to shoot up
while a teacher is watching. If they speak to you tell them you
have to do it because school is so
horrible.
3. Call the school and leave the phone off the hook. The way some
(but not all) phone systems work this will tie up their phone for
as long as yours is off the hook.
4. Protest U.S. aid to reactionary regimes abroad by defoliating
plants around the school or by digging a bomb crater on the front
lawn. When the ecology freaks
complain ask them where they were when the U.S. was doing the
same thing to Indochina.
5. Draw or paste something 'obscene' on pull-down wall maps or
movie screens.
6. Get some of the punch cards that your school uses for taking
attendance. Punch new holes in them either with a keypunch
machine or a screwdriver. Then switch
the cards with others wherever they are stored. If you can figure
out the code the cards are punched by this has even more
possibilities. You can often be just as
effective without actually repunching the cards by redistributing
them a few days after you collect them (particularly when they're
used for attendence).
7. Start an information service to get new students opinions and
warnings about the teachers and administrators before enrollment
day.
8. Bad food? Have a good old fashioned food riot.
9. In gym classes or in hallways between classes have massive
searches for 'lost' contact lenses telling people not to walk
through the hall or 'you might step on it'.
10. If your school still has a dress code protest it having
everyone do something disruptive that does not violate the code.
For example, dye your hair green with
food coloring.
11. Free all the animals in the biology classroom.
12. Write a 'consumer report' on the 'education' you've been
consuming. Distribute it to parents at school functions.
13. Periodically have students go to the office to have some
rumor confirmed or denied.
14. Perform citizen's arrests of administrators for destroying
the minds of youth then telephone the police to come and take the
criminals into custody. (This would
be an excellent guerilla theatre action).
15. Rip off dishes and silverware from the cafeteria, towels from
the gym, stencils and paper from the duplicating room, layout
equipment from the art and drafting
departments, tools from the wood shop, and light bulbs from the
sockets. Give them to a needy movement group.
16. During lunch turn on and light all the gas jets in the
science labs.
17. Demand to see your school records on file. (Everyone can see
them.)
18. You can make a very effective fuse by inserting a non-filter
cigarette in a book of matches so that it touches the head of
some matches and will ignite them when it burns down that far.
Then loosly crumple paper around the matches and cigarettes so
that they are hidden. Toss it in a wastebasket or any other area
with a lot of papers preferrably in the office. It takes about 5
minutes to ignite -- by then you can be on the other side of the
building. Practice this at home before trying it.
19. Have giant coughing or sneezing epidemics in class or study
hall.
20. Rub lipstick, glue, vaseline, or shit onto the doorknobs of
the school's administrative offices.
21. Swallow some snake bite antidote then walk into the
principal's office. The antidote (most types are harmless -- make
sure you get that kind) will make you
vomit. Do so all over his carpet, desk, clothing, etc. then
apologize profusely.
22. Pick up some dog training liquid at any pet store -- it
smells like concentrated piss. And if you can't figure out what
to do with that then you shouldn't be reading
this.
23. Remove contents of teacher's mailboxes. Print up everything
that's confidential or interesting.
24. Leave notes and hints that 'Tuesday's the day'.
25. Impersonate parental voices and make irate phone calls to the
office.
26. Make a super stink bomb out of Hydrogen Sulfide and put
somewhere in the ventilating system. This has cleared school
buildings for days.
27. If your school has a suspended ceiling (a ceiling composed of
rectangles or squares resting on a frame so that the rectangles
can be pushed up) you can put a
dead fish -- or anything else -- above them. Or put it into empty
lockers and glue them shut.
28. Put signs on your locker saying 'this locker will
self-destruct if opened for inspection'.
29. Give your school library a subscription to a good underground
newspaper from your area and insist that they make it available
to students.
30. Print up false notices frequently using the same format as
the school uses and distribute them to the teachers' mailboxes.
Eventually they'll never know what to
believe.
31. Make your own passes, forms, tickets, etc. or lift them out
of teachers' desks.
32. Need a signature? Collect things that have teachers'
signatures on them. Paste them all down on a sheet of white paper
and either xerox or print up a bunch of
copies. Forge when useful. (When getting started you might put a
piece of carbon paper under the signature with the carbon paper
facing down on what you want
signed. Then trace over the name with a steady relaxed hand.
Practice makes perfect.)
33. Do some revolutionary wall painting. All you need is a can of
spray paint (red?) plus a little imagination and courage. Then
write your favorite slogans on
walls, sidewalks, blackboards, etc. If you are a perfectionist
you can make a stencil, but that limits the size of what you can
do. WEAR GLOVES or you will
certainly get tell-tale paint on your spraying finger.
34. Are certain teachers or administrators misbehaving? Print up
a rat sheet with their names and telephone numbers and distribute
it. Now students can call up at
any time and reprimand them -- 3:00 AM for example. Also you
could order them pizzas ... plumbers ... think big!
35. Break into your school at night and burn it down. To get
inside you can either hide in the building during the day and
wait until the janitor leaves (know in
advance what time that is), or come in later at night and either
force your way through the door, find an open window, or break a
window (see Monroe
Mindfuck). If you use the latter method do it a few hours or days
in advance so you don't get caught if it attracts attention. Be
careful not to leave fingerprints --
wear gloves all the time if possible. Once inside make sure the
walls will light well by placing loose paper or wood around them,
or squirting lighter fluid, kerosene,
or gasoline onto them. If a lot of burnable boxes are stacked in
one area spread them around. Start the fire from the inside of
the building so it will take longer
before it can be seen from the windows. Make sure the fire has a
way to travel from one burnable area to another. Of course you
should wear dark clothes and
know exactly where you are going when you split.
36. Get hold of a film to be shown at a school assembly and
splice in parts of another movie of your own choosing before the
assembly. A little imagination on
your part will make for an unforgettable day.
37. Clog up the drains of sinks with clay then turn on the water
after everyone leaves school.
38. Teachers often leave gradebooks, conduct sheets, and
attendance records unguarded. Take every chance to help yourself.
39. Put up posters all around the school. To make them stick
permanently use Pet evaporated milk for glue.
40. You could ice-pick tires as a warning -- but make sure you
have a total enemy before you put sugar in their gas tank.
41. Start wailing in the halls.
42. If you can't find any skunks, let chickens loose in the
school ... or pigeons.
43. Create the 'WEB OF THREAD' in your classroom. Have everybody
in your class bring a spool of thread -- with extras for people
who forget. Tie your thread
onto something and pass the spools around till you run out,
winding thread around everything. (It is best to pick on one of
your more dullwitted teachers for this one). Expalin that you did
it in the name of art.
44. Carry and pretend to sell oregano rolled in papers and
aspirin with the name filed off.
45. Put Calcium Carbide (available in some parts of the country
as 'Gopher- Go', also available in some hobby and joke shops) in
a gelatin capsule and flush down a toilet or sink. Calcium
Carbide reacts violently with water, quickly producing large
amounts of HIGHLY FLAMMABLE gas and bursting pipes, etc. as soon
as the water dissolves the capsule.
46. Ride a bicycle down a busy hall.
47. Save your book reports and essays. Give them to other
students to use next year or re-use them yourself with different
teachers.
48. Play with lighting and microphone controls during 'important'
assemblies.
49. Flush things down the toilets (preferably faculty johns) like
balloons filled with air, baseballs, M80's, huge amounts of
toilet paper, etc. Then build an ark.
50. Start a campaign to have the letter Z appear everywhere as
the mark of angry students.
51. You can short-circuit the school's wiring by taking a regular
plug with a short cord attached. Connect the 2 wires with a
switch between them. Plug it in, turn the switch on, and you've
blown a fuse. Turn it off, pull it out, and try another. You
don't have to use the switch, but if you don't sometimes the
current will arc and
weld the plug to the socket.
52. Set up a fake school and hire away the lousy teachers -- or
put up notices inviting the entire school to a going away party
for a teacher who isn't really
leaving.
53. Read the school budget. Reprint and distribute a list of the
stupid expenditures.
54. Take booze to lunch in a thermos and pass it around.
55. During some important test (SAT/ACT/etc. ) on each subject
have some student who is good at that subject stand up and read
the correct answers for as
long as possible. When they're finished or silenced have someone
else stand up and do the same thing. The test results will be
worthless and it will have to be given
over at great cost to the school.
56. Take down the American flag in front of the school and put up
one of your own. The best way to do this is to lower the flag
that's already up replace it with
your flag and cut the rope about a foot below where the flag is
attached. Then tie a slip knot around the other end of the rope
that is hanging down to raise the flag. At this point there is no
way your flag can be lowered without someone climbing up the
flagpole.
57. Put alarm clocks in various lockers set on 'loudest'. Set the
alarm clocks so they will go off about every 10 minutes then
close and lock the lockers.
58. Have a group of people march around the school with a flag
singing the Star Spangled Banner. If the administration tries to
punish you telephone your local
radio stations and patriotic groups and complain that your school
is being run by pinkos.
59. In a class where there is a rule against chewing gum have
everyone blow a bubble at the same time one day.
60. Many schools have automatic sprinkler systems which go off
automatically when sensors in the ceiling feel too much heat.
Find the sensors and hold up a
match to them.
61. Persuade the graduating class to use their senior gift money
for something useful or subversive.
62. Reprint School Stoppers Textbook in your underground paper or
on a leaflet or buy bulk copies and pass them around.
63. Demand that all equipment being stored rather than being used
be made available to students.
64. If your school won't have a teacher evaluation make up some
forms and do it yourself. Compile the result and publicize them
to students, faculty, school board,
and community.
65. Use your 'free choice' book reports, term papers, etc. to
read revolutionary literature and further the political education
of you and your class.
66. Have a student lie on the ground. When a teacher comes scream
'he jumped' and point to the roof or third floor window. Mumble
'Fred dared him' or 'Maybe it was LSD.'
67. Make an address list of disliked adults in your school.
Answer sex ads for them -- or order them a few gross items
(C.O.D. of course).
68. Toss handfuls of BB's on the floors of busy halls,
assemblies, graduation ceremonies, weddings, funerals.
69. Steal cafeteria trays or plates, burn large holes in them,
and turn them into the school washer saying 'I guess the food did
it'.
70. Leave phony letters of resignation from teachers or
administrators on the principal's desk.
71. Get a small group to always carry screwdrivers and slowly
dismantle the school.
72. Lots of bomb scares tend to break up the boredom especially
during exams or on beautiful days.
73. Photograph teachers and administrators constantly -- even
without film.
74. If you've got the nerve piss in your pants while giving an
oral report.
75. Splice into your school's intercom system (from a remote
hidden spot). Now you have your own guerilla radio station. Play
on!
76. Drop large bottles of ether in science class.
77. Hang your teacher! Hang a hangman's noose from a tree - make
a dummy and hang the dummy from the noose. Pin notes on it like
'Weatherbee in '73.' To add realism put holes in the body then
let dilute ketchup trickle down.
78. Newspaper stands in buildings are usually left unguarded.
Take out papers and replace with rotten comics or papers.
79. Put a rotten apple or stale sandwich on teacher's desk.
80. If your school intercom has phones that connect into the
intercom switchboard, put a small magnet either where the cord
comes out of the handset or in the part
where you hear. If the intercom just has a speaker, put the
magnet near or on one of the electrical connections of the
speaker. In either case it will short out the
system. It may take weeks for them to find the trouble.
81. Take the door of the administration offices off its hinges
but leave it standing there so that when the principal tries to
open the door in the morning it will have a
slightly crushing effect.
82. Can't figure out what to do with that blinking light that
came with your one Pink Floyd album. Sneak into the girl's locker
room and hid it behind an air vent in the wall. Then when one of
the girls notices the blinking light, they'll think theyr being
taped! }:¬]> class dismissed!
If you got any kick azz school strories, send them, and I'll add
them to the list:-)
The story behind the letter below is that there
is this nutball in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs
things out of his backyard
and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are
actual
archaeological finds.
This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian
Institution.
Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your
duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Personally, I believe that although this guy really deserves to
show up on a 1998 Darwin Awards Nominee list, the world would
probably be a
much duller place without him.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline
post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful
and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we
disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of
the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years
ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a
Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is
evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that
those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field
were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its
modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified
proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
man-eating
Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that
time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going
into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog
has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the
National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept
of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus
spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted
down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and
didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly
not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting
example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has
reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in
your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of
ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent
juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on
the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
-----
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my
porch. How much
will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50
dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said
to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all
the way
around the house?" The man replied, "She should.
She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the
blonde came to the door to collect
her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes,"
the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way,"
the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
1. Open a new document in Word
2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus
Okay folks, this is a good one-just a little
mental gymnastics...try it, its pretty cool. You will be
surprised by how many you miss. good
luck!
There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer
them all in 10 minutes. DO NOT cheat! Write
each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm?
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp, and a candle, which would you light first?
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?
ANSWERS BELOW GOOD LUCK!
1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at
1.30 and
the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot
discriminate
between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by
2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the
North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES,YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 C'mon!
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the Internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this Internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not Usenet.
July 30 - These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DID'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every news group I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that AOL should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an AOL is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every Usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every Usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Try this and don't read ahead it's just a game follow the instructions
This is a little game that has, depending on point of view, a funny and/or creepy outcome.
Don't cheat!
Scroll down, follow the instructions....and don't read ahead!
Just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes.
It's worth it... It's kinda eerie....
First, Get a blank piece of paper and pen.
P.S. When you are asked to choose names, make sure it's people you
ACTUALLY
KNOW, and go with your first instincts!
Scroll down one line at a time - don't read ahead or you'll ruin the
fun!!
1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a vertical column.
2.) By numbers 1 and 2, write any two whole numbers you want.
3.) By numbers 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex
4.) Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th
and 6th
spots. Don't cheat or you'll be upset that you did
5.) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.
6.) Finally, make a wish.....
And here is the key for the game..
1.) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game in
(the number in space 1) days in order to make your wish come true.
2.) The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
3.) The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out.
4.) You care most about the person you put in 4.
5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star
7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3
8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life!
GOOD LUCK
The person that sent this to me said their wish came true 10 mins after they read the mail so I thought what the heck.
Make Your wish when the count down is over!!!
10..
9..
8..
7.
6..
5..
4..
3..
2..
1..
**** MAKE A WISH******
Send this to 10 people within the hour you read this. If you do, your wish will come true.
If you don't it will become the opposite.
______________________________________________________
December 8:
6:00 p.m. and it's started to snow. The first of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching
the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was BEAUTIFUL!
December 9:
We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight Every tree and
shrub covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the
first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and
sidewalks. Later a snowplow came through and covered our sidewalk
with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
December 12:
The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we
will get some more before the lovely winter is through.
December 14:
It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped by 20
below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again and then
the snow plow came by and did its trick again.
December 15:
Sold my van and bought a-4 x 4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow.
Bought snow tires for my wife's car.
December 16:
Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt were
my feelings.
December 20:
Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More
shoveling in store for me today. The goddamn snowplow came by
twice.
December 22:
We are assured of a white Christmas because 15 more inches of
that shit fell today and with freezing fucking weather it won't
melt till August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots,
jumpsuit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc..) and then
got the urge to piss.
December 23:
I was going to go ice fishing today, but the fucking~g worms
froze and I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my
fucking bait! '
December 24:
If I ever catch the son of a bitch that drives that fucking plow,
I'll drag him through the snow by his balls! I think he hides
aroundd the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
comes,d~down the street at 100 miles an hour; throwing that shit
all over what used to be my lawn!
December 25:
MERRY CHRISTMAS. They are predicting 20 more fucking inches of
this white bullshit. I wonder if they know just how many fucking
shovels full of snow 20 inches is .., ASSHOLES! Fuck Santa! He
doesn't have to bust his balls shoveling that shit. The snowplow
driver came by and asked for a donation. I wrapped up side his
fucking:g head with the snow shovel.
December 26:
Guess who the fuck got 28 more inches last night? I must be going
blind or getting cabin fever, because the wife is starting to
look real good to me.
December 27:
Cock sucking toilet froze. If you go outside, DON'T eat the brown
snow!
December 28:
Set fire to the fucking house today. Now I'd like to see that
white shit cling to the fucking roof!
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Do not walk behind me, for
I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
In fact, just leave me the heck alone.
*****
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
If you tell the truth, you
don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side
and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is
moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair." Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out... now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" they both said. "He pondered a mo ment and blurted out I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the wife. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said. "Consider it done." the genie said. "And now," they both asked inunison, "What's your wish genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousandyears, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind." The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, Tell me, how old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35 " she responde breathlessly.
"No shit , both 35 years old and still believe in genies.
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