It is after school. Rhonda is playing the marriage predictor game with Peapod Kid.
Rhonda: 3-2-1-4. Oh, Peapod Kid, this is MARVELOUS! You’re going to marry Nadine!
Peapod Kid: Nadine? The one who is unnaturally obsessed with bugs, frogs and other creepy, crawly wildlife creatures? Well, I must say, this is terribly, terribly... encouraging. Thank you, Ms. Lloyd. (They shake hands)
Rhonda: Don’t mention it. (Peapod Kid leaves) OK, who’s next? How about YOU, Arnold?
Arnold: Oh, uh... no thanks.
Rhonda: Oh, Arnold, PLEASE! You CAN’T tell me you aren’t the least bit curious about who you’re going to wind up marrying when you grow up.
Arnold: I’ll just wait and see.
Rhonda: It could be LILA...
Gerald: Whaddya say, loverboy? You wanna take the test?
Arnold: Gerald, it’s just a dumb, made-up game. It doesn’t mean anything.
Gerald: How do YOU know? What if you’re WRONG, and it actually HAS magical power, to predict the girl that someday you’re gonna marry? The girl you’re gonna pledge your heart to, and’ll love, cherish, honor, and obey... and live a happily ever after with...
Arnold: Right.
Gerald: It could happen.
Rhonda: Come on, Arnold. What are you afraid of? Not the TRUTH, is it? The truth about who you’re going to MARRY?
Arnold: OK... I’ll take the test. But it doesn’t really MEAN anything.
Rhonda: All right, Arnold. Pick your favorite number.
Arnold: Five.
Rhonda: 1-2-3-4-5. Now pick your favorite color.
Arnold: Blue.
Rhonda: B-l-u-e. And now, for the final question... what day of the month were you born on?
Arnold: The 7th.
Rhonda: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. And now, for the result... (gasp) oh, my gosh...
Arnold: What?
Rhonda: Oh... my gosh...
Arnold: What? WHAT?
Rhonda: You’re going to marry... Helga.
Arnold: Helga?
Rhonda: Helga.
Helga (behind the left side ledge of the steps of the school): Me? Oh...
Arnold: That’s IMPOSSIBLE! There’s NO way I could EVER marry Helga! You must have made a mistake.
Rhonda: There is NO mistake, Arnold. My test is ABSOLUTELY FOOLPROOF! You’re going to marry Helga G. Pataki, period. (Gerald laughs)
Arnold: I wanna do it again.
Rhonda: OK. Pick your favorite number.
Arnold: Three.
Rhonda: You said five... or four...
Arnold: Three’s my OTHER favorite number.
Rhonda: Suit yourself. 1-2-3-4. Helga Pataki.
Arnold: Oh, come on! That can’t be right! One more time.
Rhonda: Arnold, PLEASE...
Arnold: Just one more time...
Rhonda: All right, but I’m telling you, it’s just going to say that you’re marrying Helga. 1-2-3-4.
Arnold: One more time.
Rhonda: Helga Pataki.
Arnold: One more time.
Rhonda: NO, Arnold! You’ve done the test 110 TIMES, and it always comes out the same! You and Helga are going to get married when you grow up. (Gerald snores)
Arnold: There’s gotta be SOME mistake! Come on, one more time. Just one more time!
Rhonda: NO, you’re marrying Helga Pataki! That’s FINAL! LIVE WITH IT!
Arnold: But, Rhonda!
Rhonda: NO!
Rhonda leaves in one direction, and Arnold and Gerald leave in another direction.
Helga: Oh... Arnold and I are going to be married! It’s true! He did the test 110 times, and... despite the fact that the result revolted him... it always came out the same! Me and Arnold... MARRIED! Oh, it’s FATE! This is... wonderful...

Arnold and Gerald head toward Arnold’s house.
Arnold: This is HORRIBLE.
Gerald: Maybe it’s true. Maybe you’ll grow up, fall in love and live a happily ever after...
Arnold: GERALD!
Gerald: OK, I’m just SAYING, I mean, who knows?
Arnold (kicking a pop can): I know. I am DEFINITELY NOT marrying Helga G. Pataki, DEFINITELY!
Gerald: OK! I believe you!
Arnold: No matter what some DUMB origami marriage predictor says.
Gerald: RELAX! I mean, you said it yourself; it’s just some dumb, made-up ol’ game! DOESN’T mean ANYTHING!
Arnold (looking up at a window and sees two wedding cake figures of he and Helga): Right! I am NOT going to marry Helga!
Later, that night, Helga is in her closet, has a wedding gown on, and is hugging her Arnold shrine.
Helga: I’m going to marry Arnold! It’s like a dream!
Arnold (In his room, in his bed, ready to sleep): It’s like a nightmare!
Helga (In her closet, ready to go to bed): The one boy I’ve always hoped I would marry!
Arnold (Pulling the blankets over his head): One girl I NEVER WANNA marry! EVER! (groans)
Helga (In her bed, kissing her Arnold locket): Oh, Arnold! Arnold! (kiss)
Arnold (dreaming): I’m NOT going to marry Helga... I’m NOT going to marry Helga...

Arnold’s dream starts. Eugene is playing on the church organ. Arnold’s grandma sniffles. Arnold is standing between Gerald, the best man, and the minister.
Arnold: Gerald, what’s going on? What am I doing here?
Gerald: What do you mean, ‘what are you doing here’? You’re getting MARRIED, remember?
Arnold: MARRIED? To who?
Gerald: Who else? The girl you fell in love with, and proposed to?
The door opens and the bride walks down the aisle.
Arnold: Wait a minute... I can’t get married! I’m only 9!
Gerald: What are you talking about? You’re 25! Man, you got the wedding jitters, BAD!
Arnold: 25? But, I...
Gerald: Shhshh... act sharp. Here comes your bride!
Arnold: Lila?
Helga (lifting her veil): No such luck, football head!
Arnold: NO! This can’t be happening!
Minister: Do you, Helga, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor and cherish till death do you part?
Helga: You got it, padre! I mean, I do.
Minister: And do you, Arnold, take Helga to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part?
Arnold: No, no, I DON’T! This is all a big mistake!
Rhonda: Oh, there’s no mistake! You’re marrying HELGA, just like it turned out in my foolproof origami marriage predictor!
Helga: Now, get on with it! Say ‘I do’!
Arnold: But, I don’t!
Helga: You do!
Arnold: I don’t!
Helga: You do!
Arnold: I don’t!
Helga: You don’t?
Arnold: I do!
Helga: Ha... gotcha.
Arnold: (Groans)
Minister: I now pronounce you, man and wife.
Helga throws a bouquet of flowers, and grabs Arnold’s hand and slips a ring on his finger.
Arnold: No... wait a minute, she tricked me!
Minister: You may now kiss the bride...
Arnold: NO! NO!
Helga kisses him. Arnold wakes up from his nightmare, screaming.
Arnold: No, this CAN’T be happening! ME, married to HELGA?

In Helga’s room. She is dreaming.
Helga (dreaming): I do, I do, I do...
Helga’s dream starts.
Helga: I do, I do!
Arnold: And I do too, forever and ever and ever...
Minister: I now pronounce you, man and wife.
Arnold and Helga kiss passionately. Outside, crowds of people cheer for them as the head off into their ‘Just Married’ car. They leave. The next scene shows them on a river, in a boat in Paris. They are on their honeymoon.
Helga: Oh, Arnold, isn’t life wonderful?
Arnold: It is NOW.
Helga: You don’t still think about HER, do you?
Arnold: HER? I’m sure I don’t know who you mean.
Helga: You know, HER.
Arnold: Oh... you mean LILA?
Helga: I know how crazy you were about her, and I just...
Arnold (takes her by the hand): Don’t be ridiculous, darling. I love you, and ONLY you. Lila is nothing but a faint and frankly annoying memory to me. She couldn’t be further from my thoughts... and you, nearer.
Helga: Oh, Arnold...
Arnold: Darling...
They lean forward and are ready to kiss, when Lila rows her boat towards their boat.
Lila: Arnold!
Arnold: Lila?
Lila: ARNOLD!
Helga: LILA!
Arnold: What are YOU doing here?
Lila: Oh, Arnold, I’m oh so sorry! I know you’re on your honeymoon, but I just can’t deny my feelings anymore! I know that you’ve loved me once, and I’ve realized that I love you too, just ever so much!
Arnold: Lila, PLEASE! You know I’m married to Helga, the one true love in my life. I liked you liked you once, but that’s over. Now, I just LIKE you, understand? I LIKE you!
Lila: Oh, but Arnold...
Helga: You heard him, sister!
The French guy in Arnold and Helga’s boat rows their boat away. Lila’s boat breaks in half, and she is sinking.
Lila: Whoa! Whoa! I’ll win you back, Arnold. I’ll win you back, somehow... wait. I just remembered, I can’t swim... (gurgle)
Sheena’s Uncle Earl pulls Lila out of the water with his fishing rod.
Uncle Earl: Arrr!
Helga (from her sleep): Heheheh, heheh...
The next scene shows Arnold and Helga sitting at a table on top of a balcony. Helga is reading a newspaper.
Helga: Inflation skyrockets, unemployment soars, baby born with winning lottery ticket? (Pounds her fist on the table) THAT’S IT! I’ve decided I’m running for President!
Arnold (taking both of her hands): Wonderful! I’ll support you all the way!
Helga: I KNEW you would...
Arnold: Oh, my darling, I’ll love you forever...
Helga: Really?
Arnold: All the days and nights until the end of time! I love the way you laugh, the way you cry! You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve EVER known!
Helga: Oh, go on...
Arnold: All right, I’ll stop.
Helga: No! I mean, go on, go on!
Arnold: Your eyes are like two diamonds, shining brightly amidst a sky of pale blue heaven...
Helga: Ohhh! Go on, my love. Go on, go on...

Helga’s dream stops there and Arnold’s dream continues...
Arnold (in his sleep): No... no... no...
In Arnold’s dream, Helga is carrying him out of the church.
Arnold: What are you DOING? Put me down, Helga! I’m NOT marrying you!
Helga: What are YOU complaining about? I’M the one doing all the work here!
She drops him.
Arnold: Ow!
Later, in Helga’s house, Arnold, Helga and her family sit down for dinner.
Big Bob: So, you live here, and starting tomorrow, Arnold’s gonna work with me down at the Beeper Emporium.
Arnold: But... I don’t really wanna be a beeper salesman...
Big Bob (pounding his fist on the table and getting up quickly): SALESMAN? Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA, Mister Fancy-Pants! Who says you get to be a SALESMAN right off the bat?
Arnold: Well, I just thought that...
Big Bob: You start on the loading dock, just like I did, unloading heavy boxes from 7 to 5.
Arnold: But, Mr. Pataki, I never really planned on the future at the Beeper Emporium...
Big Bob: Yeah, well, I guess you REALLY lucked out when you married our Olga...
Helga: It’s HELGA, dad...
Big Bob: You know, if you wore the nametag I got you, you wouldn’t keep having this problem.
Miriam: So, Helga, what are you gonna do with yourself all day?
Helga: Uh, I thought I’d lay around the house, watch TV, read comic books and eat a lot of junk food.
Miriam: Uhuh... that... that sounds good... that sounds good... (Her face falls into the stuffing bowl)
Big Bob: Yep, good plan.
Arnold: How come I have to work and she doesn’t?
Helga: ‘Cause I don’t FEEL like it, and I’ve got more IMPORTANT stuff to do.
Arnold: Like WHAT?
Helga: None of your BEESWAX, football head! (She leaves)
Big Bob: Yeah! Why should she have to work, if YOU are? Come on, kid, use your noggin! You’re never gonna get off the loading dock with THAT attitude! More stuffing, Miriam... (Miriam is snoring in the stuffing)
Arnold is trying to push a heavy box out of a truck at the loading dock. 3 Union workers watch him.
Arnold (exerting energy): You know, I could use a LITTLE help here...
Union Worker (eating a banana): Oh, yeah, sure, but uh, that would be against, uh, Union rules, right, guys?
Arnold: So, you’re telling me, that I have to unload all these boxes by MYSELF?
Union Worker: Mmhmm.
Arnold: Well, uh, what do YOU guys do?
Union Worker: Ah, well, we supervise YOU.
Arnold: All 3 of you?
Union Worker: That’s right... now get back to work... (throws a banana peel near Arnold’s feet)
Arnold and Big Bob are walking home.
Big Bob: Another day, another dollar... (slaps Arnold’s back)... what are you limping for?
Arnold: I slipped on a banana peel...
Big Bob: You shouldn’t be eating bananas, when you’re SUPPOSED to be toting boxes!
Arnold: But I... never mind. (They are in front of the house. Big Bob sees a stork flying away.)
Big Bob: Hey, look! There’s a stork flying off our roof! You know what that means.
Arnold: What? What does it mean?
They walk inside. Arnold hears 3 babies crying.
Arnold: But... how could this happen?
Helga: Stork brought them.
Arnold: But, we’ve only been married for two days!
Helga: Well, I guess that’s all it TAKES, football head! By the way, they’ve been crying and whining about something ever since they got here... (Picks a baby up) Plus, they smell like a bus station men's room. (Puts the baby down) Anyway, good luck with them.
Arnold: Where are YOU going?
Helga: To the MOVIES! You can’t expect me to hang around HERE! That whining’s driving me bananas!
Arnold: But... but, what am I supposed to... HELGA? (She leaves, slamming the door behind her)
Baby: Feed me! Burp me! Change me, my diapey’s full! Come on, move it, football head! (Another baby burps)
Babies (chanting): Football head! Football head! Football head! Football head...
Arnold (from his sleep): No...
Helga (from her sleep): Yes... yes...

Helga's dream continues. A newspaper says that Helga Pataki is President of the United States. The next scene shows Helga, Arnold and a huge crowd of people in front of the White House. Helga is taking the Oath.
Pres. Helga: I, Helga G. Pataki, do faithfully swear to uphold the duties of the Office of President of the United States! Thank you, thank you! And now, as your new President, I'd like to introduce the First Man, Arnold Pataki. As you know, behind every great woman is a great man!
F. M. Arnold: Thank you, I...
Pres. Helga (nudges him and whispering): Get behind!
SEE THE IRONY? Pres. Helga does two `victory' signs, and the crowd cheers. She sees Lila in the crowd.
Lila: Arnold, Arnold!
Pres. Helga whispers to her secret service guys, and they run and grab Lila.
Lila: OW! NO! Arnold!
Helga (from her sleep): Heheheh...
The next scene is in where Pres. Helga is in the Oval Office, talking on the phone with the Secretary of the Interior.
Pres. Helga: Look, I KNOW you’re the Secretary of the Interior, but I’m the PRESIDENT, and I say I want my face carved up there on Mount Rushmore next to those other big-shots! You know, Lincoln, Washington, and what’s their names!
Sec. of State Phoebe: Madam President, you have an urgent call from Chile, the Milk Board is here for your 10 o’clock, and the Swiss Ambassador wants to know what you think of his ‘Cheese Plan’.
Pres. Helga: Hold the chili, cancel the milk, and tell the Swiss Ambassador that his cheese plan’s full of holes. Oh, and that reminds me... get me a pastrami on rye, extra mustard.
Sec. of State Phoebe: Holding, canceling, telling and... getting! Oh, and the First Man is here to see you.
Pres. Helga: Send him in...
Secretary of State Phoebe leaves and First Man Arnold enters.
Pres. Helga: Darling...
F. M. Arnold: Angel... how’s my favorite President?
Pres. Helga: I’m fine... now...
They hug each other and Eskimo kiss. Later that evening, President Helga is talking on the phone with the Swiss Ambassador.
Pres. Helga: Look, Jax, I’ll take your cheese plan and run it through the grater!
Sec. of State Phoebe: Madam President, I have terrible, terrible news!
Pres. Helga: Is it my pastrami on rye?
Sec. of State Phoebe: No, it’s WORSE! (Pres. Helga gasps) The First Man... has been KIDNAPPED! Now, I’ve alerted the CIA, the FBI and the State Department. Our Intelligence reports indicate that Arnold is being held captive by an unknown terrorist in a castle in northern Italy. The Joint Chiefs of Staff are already formulating a plan to go in and rescue him!
Pres. Helga: NO! If the First Man’s in trouble, then it’s gonna take the First Woman to save him! Fire up the Air Force One!
Sec. of State Phoebe: Firing! (On her phone) I want Air Force One fueled and ready for international departure, ASAP. I don’t care, just DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
Soon, Air Force One departs to Italy. President Helga and Secretary of State Phoebe are inside. Secretary of State Phoebe tells Pres. Helga the plan.
Sec. of State Phoebe: The First Man is somewhere in this highly fortified castle, heavily guarded.
Pres. Helga: Check.
Sec. of State Phoebe: You’ll have to parachute in, undercover of night, then make your way up the castle wall without being detected.
Pres. Helga: Check.
Flight Attendant: Peanuts, peanuts!
Pres. Helga: Over here, honey, and give me a spare. You never know when I might need it.
The flight attendant gives President Helga 2 packages of peanuts, and then Pres. Helga opens the door and jumps out. She eats a package of peanuts, opens up the parachute, and then goes down until she reaches a balcony, kicking a castle guard, who screams. She shoots the hook gun up to the top of another wall, and she climbs up, using the rope from the hook gun. Then, up there, she opens a door, goes in, looks at the ‘Arnold Detector’ (looks like her old Arnold locket), which tells her which room Arnold is in. Once she has located where Arnold is, she uses a drill to open up a locked door (I think that’s what she does), then through there, she walks on the ceiling using suction cup shoes. She is in the hallway that leads to the room Arnold is tied up in, but Helga has to get through all of the hi-tech security stuff to get to the door. Once she gets through, she opens the door.
Pres. Helga: ARNOLD! F. M. Arnold (muffled): HELGA!
3 ninjas appear out of nowhere. They are ready to attack her, but she rips open that other peanut package she was saving, and spills them out onto the floor, and the ninjas trip over them and bonk heads. Helga runs over to Arnold and takes off the duct tape from his mouth.
F. M. Arnold: I knew you’d come... They are ready to kiss, when the unknown terrorist comes through the door.
Pres. Helga: It’s YOU! The unknown international terrorist who kidnapped the First Man and threatened world peace! President Helga and the terrorist start fighting. Then, while Helga has a firm grip on the terrorist’s mask, she pulls it off, and it’s no one else but...
Pres. Helga: LILA?
F. M. Arnold: LILA?
Lila: That’s right! It’s me, Lila!
Pres. Helga: You’re the terrorist?
F. M. Arnold: But, WHY? Why did you kidnap me?
Lila: I told you I loved you, but you shunned me! I tried to forget about you, just ever so hard, but I couldn’t! And when I realized that I was never gonna be able to win your love, I suppose I... (She pulls a skull off of a skeleton and then drops it)... well, I went over to the dark side, and I... I kidnapped you in a desperate and ill-conceived attempt to steal your heart, and I’m sorry, I’m just ever so sorry! (She cries at Arnold’s feet)
F. M. Arnold: Well, Lila, your evil scheme has backfired!
Lila: It has?
F. M. Arnold: You bet it has! It’s only made the love between Helga and me stronger!
Pres. Helga: Oh...
Pres. Helga unties Arnold from the chair. All of the soldier guys rush up the stairs and up into the room. Arnold and Helga see Gerald, who smiles at them. Pres. Helga’s secret service guys come too.
Pres. Helga (points at Lila): Lock her up!
The secret service guys drag Lila away.
Lila (crying): Arnold! No, Arnold! No...
President Helga and First Man Arnold hug each other lovingly. Later, they are sailing off toward the silver sun (the moon) in a hot air balloon shaped like a heart. They are hugging each other.
F. M. Arnold: Thank you for saving me.
Pres. Helga: Oh, it was no big deal. Pastrami?
They eat the pastrami sandwich together, and then kiss like there was no tomorrow. Helga’s dream ends.
Helga (in her sleep): Oh, Arnold! Oh, pastrami!

Arnold’s dream continues.
Arnold (from his sleep): No... no...
In his dream, he gets home from work, and sees the babies trashing the place, and sees Helga lazing on the couch in front of the TV.
Helga: Nice of you to show up.
Arnold: I was at my JOB, on the loading dock.
Helga (snaps her finger): Paycheck!
Baby (throwing something at Arnold): Stupid football head!
Arnold (grabs the remote and shuts off the TV): That’s IT! I can’t take this anymore!
Helga: Hey! Whaddya think you’re doing?
Arnold: I’m taking charge of this nightmare! If I have to be married to you, then things are gonna change. First of all, I’m not working at the beeper store anymore. Second, we’re moving outta this madhouse, and finally, YOU’RE gonna start sharing some of the responsibilities...
Helga (taking a sip of her pop): Yak, yak, yak!
Arnold (grabbing her by the shoulders): WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Look, I know you’re not this lazy and cold and uncaring! You may act like that, but, deep down, I know you’re smart and you have feelings, and if we HAVE to be married to each other, then I want you to start showing it!
Helga: I... I don’t know what you’re talking about...
Arnold: Yes, you DO, Helga! Why can’t you just admit it? You’re not this mean!
Helga: Yes, I am!
Arnold: No, you’re NOT! You’re NOT! (He lets go of her)
Helga: OK, OK, you’re right! I can’t hide it anymore. You’ve seen through my tough, blustery exterior and into my soft, mushy, good-hearted center. It’s TRUE I’m NOT this bad. I guess I was just afraid to show my real feelings, but you knew it all along, didn’t you? I may be rough around the edges, but, deep down, I’m a good person, and... I don’t hate you. In fact, I sorta like you... I mean, I actually, I sort of, MORE than like you, I... I REALLY like you... I REALLY REALLY like you, and well, heck, I... I like you so much, that, you might say that I actually... LOVE... that I actually... LOVE...

Arnold’s dream ends as his alarm clock goes off. He wakes up, as it is morning. Later, in the bus, heading for school...
Gerald: Man! Talk about a nightmare!
Arnold: Tell me about it. She tricked me into marrying her... it was horrible.
Gerald: Heheh, I’ll bet.
Arnold: But the funny thing is, in a weird way, the nightmare kinda turned out to be OK.
Gerald: You’re KIDDING, right?
Arnold: No, seriously! I mean, I know it’s crazy, but... in the end of the dream, she actually turned out to be kinda nice...
Gerald: NICE? Arnold, you catch that Chinese flu? We’re talking about HELGA, right? Helga G. Pataki?
Arnold: Right.
Gerald: So, what are you SAYING? That maybe it’s TRUE? That Rhonda’s right and you’re going to marry Helga, and she’s actually gonna be nice to you, and you’re gonna be happy?
Arnold: No... I mean... it was just a dream...
Gerald: Well, THAT’S a relief...
Arnold: After all, I’m only 9. I’ve got plenty of time to think about who I’m gonna marry, but, I guess even if I wound up marrying Helga, it wouldn’t be so bad.
The bus stops and Rhonda gets on.
Rhonda: Everyone? I have an announcement. Last night, much to my dismay, I discovered a flaw in my origami marriage predictor, and well, the fact is, all the results are null and void. Sheena, you are NOT going to marry Eugene...
Sheena: Oh, no! Are you SURE? (Eugene sighs in relief)
Rhonda: I’m sorry. And Peapod Kid, you are DEFINITELY NOT going to marry Nadine...
Peapod Kid: Oh, this is terribly, terribly distressing!
Rhonda: And Arnold... I am SO, SO sorry, because you were so right! You are ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NOT going to marry Helga! I apologize for any pain and torment I may have put you through.
Arnold: It’s OK, Rhonda...
Helga (thinking to herself, while looking at her Arnold locket): What if it was all just a crazy dream? What if I NEVER get the guts to tell Arnold how I REALLY feel about him... and what if we NEVER get married? Oh...
Rhonda (sits next to Phoebe): I’m SO glad I realized the mistake I made. I should have caught it before. The people I matched up... I mean, ARNOLD and HELGA... can you imagine anything more RIDICULOUS? I mean, they couldn’t be more opposite! If they actually got married, what would THAT be like?
Rhonda shakes her head. Phoebe has a different view of what Arnold and Helga’s future would be like. While looking out the window, she pictures the two standing on a lighthouse, looking at the sunset. They look at each other, and, holding hands, watch the sun going down.

The End