>203 INT. GOTHAM BOTANICAL GARDENS - GREENHOUSE - NIGHT MIKE: Nice to see it's still night. > > A hanging banner reads GOTHAM CHARITY FLOWER BALL. A > GIANT BEAST MASK covers the entrance. TOM: A giant Belle mask covers the exit. > DRUMMERS STOMP on > congo drums. GUESTS dress as flowers. TWO COSTUMED > GORILLAS romp about the room. MIKE: Bruce's fantasies are leaking out all over the place. TOM: Me Tarzan. You also Tarzan. > >203A Batman and Robin stand by the stage. > > ROBIN > You think Freeze will take the bait? ? > BATMAN > He'll be here. MIKE: H was courteous enough to send an RSVP. > >203B ATOP THE STAIRS. The two Gorillas have converged on the > DRUMMERS. One begins dancing around, covertly KNOCKING > the drummers unconscious with his paws. CROW: What? TOM: How do you knock someone out covertly? > >204 ON STAGE. The MC walks out, followed by Gossip Gerty. > > MC > Ladies and Gentlemen. Gossip Gerty > of Good Morning Gotham and I welcome > you to the gem of our evening. MIKE: More pointless puns! > >204 Two armed guards emerge bearing a palette upon which > hangs a silver necklace supporting a perfect, grapefruit > sized diamond. MIKE: Grapefruit sized diamond? Only Anna Nicole Smith could wear that! > > GOSSIP GERTY > The famed Heart of Isis, CROW: Oh, Mighty Isis . . . > on loan > from the Collection of my close, > personal friend Bruce Wayne. TOM: THAT'S why he didn't want the telescope turned on his bedroom! > > The MC gestures and several woman step forward dressed as > flowers, each more strikingly gorgeous than the next. > > MC > Tonight, on auction, an opportunity > to dine with one of our fabulous > flowers, the famed diamond draped > around her neck. MIKE: Dragging her head into the soup . . . > > GOSSIP GERTY > Ooo, look at all these luscious > lovelies. let's start the bidding. TOM: I wonder how deep GERTY'S closet is. > > MAN #1 > Ten thousand for Chrysanthemum. > > MAN #2 > Twenty thousand for Lilac. > > MAN #3 > Thirty thousand for Rose. CROW: Axel Rose? > > GOSSIP GERTY > Boys, please. Show some gusto. TOM: And grab your gusto. > >205 THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. ONE GORILLA begins to BEAT the > drums. The other removes her paw mitts. Her gorilla's > head. TOM: Donkey Kong as you've never seen him before! > From within her gorilla costume, steps a vision. MIKE: From Marvel comics. > Skin tight green costume made of leaves. Green boots and > mask. magenta hair. Glowing green eyes. TOM: Wow, these Tori Amos videos are getting weirder and weirder... > Meet POISON IVY, > simply the most beautiful woman known to man. > >205A ROBIN-CLOSE. Smiles. MIKE: I'd look GREAT in that! > > ROBIN > Gorilla my dreams. TOM: Oh, God . . . > >206 Ivy lifts her green gloved hands, both filled with piles > of sparkling dust, blows the powder over the startled > patrons. MIKE: Is it wrong to envy powder, guys? CROW: Not in this case, Mike. > >207 FOLLOW THE DUST as it spins out in fairy-like spirals, TOM: Spirals that resemble Mr. Humphreys! > curling through the crowd. > >208 THE CROWD - VARIOUS SHOTS. MIKE: Bang! Bang! Got them all! > Folks blink their eyes, > suddenly bewitched, as Ivy tilts backwards, falling into > the arms of several jungle clad men on the ballroom floor. > >209 IVY saunters over a bridge made of the backs of kneeling > men, through the parting crowd, towards Batman and Robin. TOM: How did the writer single-handedly combine the fantasies of K.D. Lang and Madonna at the same time? > > IVY > Hi there. > > MC > (sputtering) ALL: Eeeeewwwwwwww! > And you are... > > IVY > Poison. Poison Ivy. MIKE: Bong. James Bong. > >210 BATMAN - CLOSE. Dazed. Like a man who's drunk a quart of > love potion. He takes her hand. > > IVY > Why not send junior to bed early, I > could come and take your measurements? CROW: Whooops! Too small! Throw it back! > > Ivy turns now to Robin, offers the other hand. She blows > another volley of dust into Robin's face. > > IVY > On the other hand, youth does have > its advantages. Endurance. Stamina. MIKE: The ability to know where all the Pearl Jam concerts are. > >211 ROBIN - CLOSE. Also suddenly smitten, perhaps eve > harder. ALL > > IVY > Why settle for second place? Robin > is a sidekick, a junior partner. If > we were a team, you'd be the star. > Forget the geriatric bat. Come, join > me, my garden needs tending. TOM: Get out a weed wacker! CROW: At least we know where the garden 'ho is . . . > > The two help her up onto stage. She turns to the > mesmerized MC. > > IVY > I'll take it from here, pal. > > Ivy lifts the diamond, places it around her neck. MIKE: She's slammed to the floor by the weight and knocked unconscious. > > IVY > Some lucky boy's about to hit the > honey pot. MIKE : Quickly, Piglet, give me your money! > I'll include an evening > of my company for the winner. I'll > bring everything you see here. Plus > everything you don't. > (off Batman and Robin) > And I'll bring my imagination. CROW: Unlike the writer. > > MAN #1 > 50 thousand for Poison Ivy - - > > MAN #2 > 100 thousand for Poison Ivy - - > > BATMAN > One million - - > > ROBIN > (sotto voce) > You own it. > (loud) > Two million - - > > The two lock eyes. TOM: They kiss. > > BATMAN > (sotto voce) > You don't have two million. > (loud) > Three million - - > > ROBIN > (sotto voce) > I'll borrow it from you. > (loud) > Four million - - > > IVY > You two boys aren't going to fight > over little old me, are you? MIKE: If I remember Uma Thurman, we are not talking little. > > Batman reaches to his utility belt, CROW: Eeeeeeeeeww! > draws a batarang. CROW: Whew! > > BATMAN > Five million - - > > Robin reaches to his utility belt, pulls a throwing bird. > > ROBIN > Six million - - MIKE: It's the six million dollar supervillain! > > GOSSIP GERTY CROW: Eight million! > Is it getting nippy in here? > >212 THE TEETH of the giant mask EXPLOSE as Freeze's truck >213 SMASHES into the room from an elevated bridge beyond. >214 Standing atop the vehicle, backed by swirling mists, > Freeze, his Icemen following behind. > > FREEZE > (drawing his gun) > Did I use the wrong door again? > >215 Batman hurls his batarang, knocking Freeze's pistol free. TOM: Run! Be free little pistol! > Batman and Robin race forward, engulfed by the rushing > force of Icemen. > > HIS PISTOL flies into the hands of one of the Guests. A THUG > rams the Guest from behind, the gun bouncing into the air. > >215A A swarm of armed SECURITY GUARDS and GUESTS swamp Freeze. TOM: Freeze taps them for one black manna. > >215B FREEZE > When technology fails... MIKE: Read the manual? TOM: Hit F1? CROW: Call the help line? > brute force. MIKE: Oh, Schwarzenegger does that. > >215C FREEZE moves like lightning, SMASHING guards with mighty > punches, WHIPPING guests flying across the room. CROW: Who thank him! > > FREEZE'S PISTOL bounces from Guest, to Thug, to Guest like > a wildly fumbled TOM: Plot. > football, a Thug finally tipping the soar- > ing gun back towards Freeze. CROW: Freeze(tm) losing his gun is not so much a running joke as a lurching one. > >215D FREEZE > Alright, everyone, chill! CROW: We've waited all episode for a cold joke, and now . . . another one. > >216 Freeze FIRES, turning a few guests and several exotic > flower arrangements into ice. > > FREEZE > I should have been a decorator. CROW: Then he could stay with Batman(tm) and Robin(tm). > >217 Freeze starts for the stage. > >218 BATMAN and ROBIN are in mid-melee, fighting off an army > of Icemen. > >219 Batman SMASHES one Thug three times in the chin. MIKE : Smash three times on the chin if you waaaant me! > >220 Robin does a spinning side kick to another approaching CROW: A sidekick doing a sidekick! > villain, then ducks, sending one villain crashing into > another. > >221 Batman grabs a Thug, throws him to Robin, who punches > him back to Batman who punches him back to Robin. MIKE: Now it's like a Hercules episode! > >222 Both punch him simultaneously, the Thug flying back > through the air. They begin fighting their way towards > the stage. > >223 FREEZE climbs onto the stage to face Poison Ivy. > > FREEZE > Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady? > Ms. Moss? CROW: Kate Moss? > > IVY > Listen, Captain Cold, CROW: That's ANOTHER character! > the suit, maybe, > even though silver went out in the > 70's. But those boots are unforgivable. MIKE: Even SHE notices the neutronium boots. > What is it with men? MIKE: Sister, at this point even I don't know. > > FREEZE > I'd love to stand here all day and > exchange fashion tips but I'm kind > of pressed for time. So hand over > the diamond, Garden Gal, or I turn > you into mulch. > > Ivy pulls a handful of dust from her belt-pouch, blows it > towards him. The dust swirls around his helmet. Ivy > frowns. TOM : Damn! That was my headache powder! > > > FREEZE > Pheromone dust. Designed to heat a > man's blood. Doesn't work on the > cold hearted. Now, if you please... TOM : Give me some more scenes. > > Freeze extends his gloved hand. > > IVY > Well, if you insist. > > Ivy hands him the diamond. > > FREEZE > Clever little clover. > >224 Just then one of the Thugs flies across the room, > SHASHING into the back of the stage. > > FREEZE > That's my exit cue. MIKE: So, he told one of his thugs to get beaten up when it's time to leave. > > FREEZE races for his truck. > >225 BATMAN and ROBIN dispatch the last Iceman, make for the > stage. > > BATMAN > (to Gordon) > You have eleven minutes to thaw those > guests, Commissioner. > >226 Batman and Robin race after the escaping Freeze and his > men. > >227 Ivy stares after them. She lifts a small souvenir. A tiny > glass globe that says Welcome To Gotham. TOM: So Freeze(tm) makes money part-time working for the Gotham(tm) Tourist Bureau? > Shakes the > bauble, the tiny city within suddenly covered by snow. MIKE: Then it explodes. Hilarity ensues. > Gordon appears behind her. > > GORDON > Miss Ivy, you've just met one of > the most sinister men in Gotham. MIKE: Batman(tm). > > IVY > That's no man. That's a God! CROW: It's Schwarzenegger! > > Gordon moves off as the second Gorilla TOM: Carrying a second banana! > arrives on stage, > removes his mask. Bane. > > IVY > Enough monkey business. We've got > work to do. MIKE: I want the script writer severely beaten! > >228 EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT > > A GIANT STATUE stands amidst Gotham's sky-scrapers. > CLOSER. > > Freeze in his Ice Truck, two Crony Trucks behind him, MIKE: Even his truck has cronies! > race up the interconnecting bridges that crisscross > Gotham's skyline. > >229 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK > > FREEZE - POV. Gothamites veer their cars off the roadway in > his path as Freeze spots the statue. He reaches for his > dashboard. TOM: He pulls his smokes out of the glove compartment! > > Freeze hits a flashing gun-shaped button on the dash. MIKE: His vehicle has international symbols? > >230 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > > A giant freeze-gun atop the truck FIRES. > >231 EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOPS - NIGHT > > THE STATUE'S HEAD - CLOSE. Freezes, the neck of the giant > figure EXPLODING in a storm of ice. > >232 FREEZE'S TRUCK swerves off the road, leaping through the > hole in the statue's neck and racing onto its shoulder. > His Crony trucks follow, all racing away down the statue's > arm. MIKE I am so indifferent and numb by now. > >233 THE BATMOBILE AND THE REDBIRD follow in close pursuit, > BLOWING through the hole in the statue's neck. > >234 INT. BATMOBILE > > BATMAN - POV. The Freeze vehicles are heading towards the > hand of the statue. Batman hits a button. CROW: Bad button! Bad button! > >235 MONITOR - CLOSE. Flashing schematics of the various > trajectories of the Freeze vehicles and their imminent > jumps from the hand, over the abyss of the city, to the > lower rooftops beyond. > > BATMAN > Pull back. You can't make the jump. CROW: You might show me up and catch Freeze(tm)! > >236 EXT. REDBIRD > > ROBIN > I can make it. > >237 EXT. STATUE'S ARM > > The Batmobile is shooting down the arm, the Redbird close > behind CROW: The arm is shooting up while they're shooting down! > >238 BATMAN > Pull back. > > ROBIN > I can make it. MIKE: If you close your eyes and listen to this it sounds even worse . . > > Robin SHOOTS a wheelie, overtaking the Batmobile. > >239 INT. BATMOBILE > > BATMAN > Redbird control codes. > >240 MONITOR - CLOSE. Schematics for the Redbird flash. > > BATMAN > Disable engine. MIKE: Robin(tm) careens off the statue to his death . . . > >241 EXT. REDBIRD - NIGHT > > Robin's engine warning-light goes on. The motor begins to > DIE. The abyiss is coming up fast. Robin side-grounds the > bike, SKIDDING. > >242 EXT. STATUE'S HAND - NIGHT > > Freeze and his cronies split towards the separate fingers. TOM: I wonder who's running down the middle finger. > >243 SUPER-THRUSTERS fire and Freeze's truck clears the jump, > landing on the sloping roof on the other side of the > abyss. > >244 His Crony Trucks follow, taking different fingers, flying > into the air towards the rooftops beyond. Not high enough. TOM: I wish I was high enough . . . > >245 OMITTED CROW: Thanks! > >246 EXT. ROOFTOP ABYSS - NIGHT > > One Crony truck BLOWS into an elevated billboard, the other > EXPLODING into the opposing building. TOM: Freeze(tm) lets his thugs die by the truckloads, there's always more where that came from! > >246A EXT. ROOFTOPS > > Freeze's truck hits the roof, breaks SCREECHING, spinning > 180 degrees, his freeze gun now pointing back over the abyss. > >247 EXT. STATUE'S HAND > > The Redbird slides dangerously close to the end of the > finger and the abyss below, finally coming to a halt as >248 the Batmobile ROCKETS its engine and roars past, flying > over the chasm. > >249 ROBIN stands on the fingertip, SHOUTING his rage into > the night. CROW: Exposing another finger. > >250 EXT. ROOFTOPS ABYSS CROW: You guys think there could possibly be an abyss? TOM: Yeah. MIKE: Yeah. CROW: Good. Just checking. > > The Batmobile soars over the abyss towards Freeze's truck. > >251 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > > FREEZE > It's a cold town. MIKE: So why not have a hot time in it? > > Freeze hits the flashing gun-shaped button on the dash. > >252 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > > The freeze-gun FIRES its deadly blast, hitting the > Batmobile. > >252A EXT. STATUE'S HAND - NIGHT > > Robin watches as the flying Batmobile begins to ice over > from Freeze's cryonic blast. > >253 OMITTED TOM: Good. > >254 INT. BATMOBILE > > The controls are frozen. CROW: So is the actor! > A monitor flashes: SYSTEMS > FAILURE. MIKE: Oh no, the Batmobile GPFed! > >255 BATMAN - POV. The windscreen is covering with ice. > >256 OMITTED CROW: Good. Good. At this rate, let's try omitting the REST OF THE SCRIPT! > >257 EXT. ROOFTOP ABYSS > > The Batmobile is falling across the abyss like frozen > sculpture. Suddenly the windscreen EXPLODES as Batman is > catapulted through the glass like a torpedo, TOM: And killed instantly . . . > flying into > the air high above the busy city. > >257A EXT. LOWER ROOFTOPS > > The frozen Batmobile drops to the safety of the rooftops on > the other side of the abyss. CROW: Killing innocent vagrants! > >258 EXT. NIGHT SKY > > Batman flips, angling down, WHIPPING his cape open like > the wings of a giant dark angel, riding the urban winds > in a racing glide towards Freeze's truck below. > >259 OMITTED MIKE: That's it! Keep 'em not coming! > >260 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > >261 THE SHADOW OF THE BAT falls over the open cab of Freeze's > truck. > > FREEZE > Uh-oh. > >262 FREEZE - POV. Batman, cape extended, soars directly over > the cab. CROW: Into a wall and dies! > >263 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK > > Batman SMASHES through the glass driver's dome, wrenching > Freeze out of the cab, and soaring towards... > >264-266 OMITTED > >267 EXT. LOWER ROOFTOP > > Batman lands standing in the moonlight, a stunned Freeze > rolling out of his cape, diamond still in hand. > > BATMAN > I'm putting you on ice. TOM : That's my line. > >268 OMITTED > >268A EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT - VFX > > The moonlit mansion sits on its clifftop perch above the > river. PUSH IN TOM: PULL OUT. Repeat as necessary! > as a portion of the cliff BURNS AWAY TO > REVEAL... > >269 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > Bruce and Dick argue. > > DICK > I could have made the jump. > > BATMAN > You could have splattered your > brains on the side of the building. CROW: But that wouldn't be noticed. > > DICK > This is no partnership. You're never > going to trust me. > > BATMAN > Trust you? You can't even keep > your head on the job. All you could > think about was Poison Ivy. TOM : A girl! > > DICK > You just can't stand that she > might have wanted me instead of > you; That's your idea of friendship, > isn't it, Bruce? You have to have > everything. Your house. Your rules. > Your way or the highway. It's > Batman and Robin not Robin and > Batman. I'm sick of it. > > Dick is right up in Bruce's face. MIKE: Just ignore that last line, guys. TOM: Say no more. > > BRUCE > Yes it's my rules. My rules that > keep us alive. And if you want to > stay in this house and on this > team then you'll abide by them. CROW: Or I'll take my costume and go home! > >270 INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT > > Alfred is completing a cassette tape. TOM: Alfred and the Alfredtones, the new Speed Metal band! > > ALFRED > I have tried every address I > know for you. I am praying this > reaches you. We have very little > time. > > Alfred puts the tape in the envelope. (OVER) a KNOCK. > Bruce ENTERS. > > ALFRED > Congratulations on your > apprehension of Mr. Freeze. Batman > monopolized the evening news. MIKE: And set up hotels on it. > > BRUCE > Thanks. > > But the billionaire seems anything but celebratory. > > ALFRED > Is there something wrong, sir? CROW: By the time we got an answer, the film would be over. MIKE: Good! > > BRUCE > Alfred, am I pigheaded? Is it always > my way or the highway? > > ALFRED > Why, yes, actually. Death and chance > stole your parents. But rather than > become a victim, you have done > everything in your power to control > the fates. For what is Batman if > not an effort to master the chaos > that sweeps our world, an attempt > to control death itself. MIKE: What is some twisted freak in leather? TOM: And Mike wins! > >270A BRUCE - POV. Out the window, young Bruce and Alfred lay > wreaths on a windy grave. Alfred puts his arm around the > boy, holds him close. > >270B BACK TO SCENE > > BRUCE > But I can't can I? > > ALFRED > No, my boy. I'm afraid none of us can. TOM: But we can dress up like lunatics and fight crime, at least. > >271 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT > > The competition bike's headlight goes out. > >272 WIDER > > Barbara walks the bike steahtlfully back into the garage. > >273 A HAND touches her shoulder. MIKE: Thing, leave her alone . . . > Barbara moves fast, flipping > the assailant over her shoulder in an expert judo move. > >274 She spins to face...Dick. Floored in every sense of the > word. > > Barbara's demeanor suddenly changes. All school girl > politeness. > > BARBARA > Oh. I'm so sorry. I'd just never > seen anything like it. So massive. > I took it out for a spin. I do so > hope I didn't inconvenience you. CROW: I do hope she's talking about the bike. > (off his look) > Ah yes, the outfit. For a...costume > party. Just trying it out. One never > knows how leather will wear. TOM : Oh, I know THAT. CROW: Don't worry, it'll ride up with wear! > (helping him up) > Judo lessons at school, you know. > All the rage, really. I suppose > they've taken better than I thought. > Again, my greatest of pardons. > > She's gone before Dick has a chance to speak. he stares > after her. All is not as it seems in Wayne Manor. ALL: Duh!