(Cambot once again shows us the deck of the SOL, and now we see Tom and Crow in front of a computer screen. Both are wearing wigs.) CROW: Gee, Judy, thank you for taking time from cheerleading practice to help me with my fan fiction. You are my best friend! TOM: Sure thing sure, that is what friends do for each other! Now where were we? CROW: Well, Arnold and Helga had just been walking on the beach, and I thought that Todd could… TOM: Don't you mean Arnold? CROW: Ooops! Yes, of course. Like I was saying, we could have Arnold try to kiss me… I mean Helga. (Mike walks in, smiling, amused with the little scene.) MIKE: So how is it going? TOM: Well, Mike, we think we have found the answer to why these fan-fics are so prolific. CROW: After hours of exhausting simulations, we now believe that these imaginative outbursts are the end result of adolescent females fantasies being brought to life in a vague disguise of public entertainment. MIKE: Yeah, good observation. TOM: Yup. CROW: Uhh Huh. (Silence.) MIKE: So you want to take the wigs off? TOM: Not really. CROW: Nope. MIKE: Great. (The Fan-Fic sign goes off, and the boys scramble.) CROW: Teenage angst ahoy! TOM: "Thusly" we went forth! 6 5 4 3 2 1 (The silhouettes of Tom and Crow still show their wigs as they take their seats.) MIKE: I've got ten bucks that say we've got a kiss coming in two lines. TOM: Too rich for my blood! CROW: I've got $2 and three oily rags on that bet! "You don't have to be jealous of the other couples." TOM: They have lives! Before she could protest that she wasn't jealous, Arnold kissed her. CROW: D*mn! When do you want me to get you the rags? MIKE: You can keep 'em. In her shock she lowered him. When he pulled away, she kissed him back fiercely, CROW: Hot Klingon lovin'! her heart soaring. The feeling had come true. MIKE: The Packers had won the Superbowl. TOM: Whoo! CROW: Packers! Arnold's mind was racing with two thoughts. CROW: How can I keep my whites their whitest? TOM: Can I get better returns on a traditional CD, or one with lease equity?) Damn, Helga can really kiss good! MIKE, as Arnold: It's like she's been practicing on an idol of me made of an old football and bubblegum or something… And, Why did I kiss her? MIKE: I guess the author couldn't afford a semi-colon. CROW: Well, the kids today have different priorities with their money. She's probably spent all hers on a N'SYNC CD or Brittany Spears merchandise or maybe she's saving up for a tattoo… Helga loathed to, but pulled away. CROW: …or maybe she just went shopping at Old Navy and bought herself some cargo pants, or a nice fleece. "Oh, Arnold." TOM: You taste like warm mayonnaise! "You know what? I think this is the tree we're looking for." CROW: Ahhh! I see Arnold attended the Michael J. Nelson School of ways to kill off romantic moments through awkward actions and statements! MIKE: Okay, here we go! (Mike attacks Crow, pulling off his wig. They both disappear below the line of seats, and we hear random fighting noises. Tom does not appear to be very interested.) "What?" Helga was very confused. Why was he acting like they'd not just shared two very passionate kisses? TOM: Doesn't say much for Ms. Pataki that Arnold was more interested in the foliage than her kissing abilities, huh? (Fighting noises continue.) Arnold reached up and picked the leaf they needed for the hunt and headed off to find the next item. TOM, as Arnold: I have the sneaking suspicion that a plot device just occurred, but I'm not entirely sure. (Mike and Crow re-emerge.) MIKE: You all right? CROW: Whew! Yeah, you? MIKE: Not so bad. Throughout the rest of the hunt, Arnold acted like the kiss never happened, MIKE, as Arnold: Kiss, what kiss? while Helga tried to get him to talk about it. TOM, as Helga: So Arnold about that kiss… CROW, as Arnold: Hey look! Brine! TOM, as Helga: That was quite the kiss, huh? CROW, as Arnold: Sorry, I was never a big Gene Simmons fan.) Arnold was confused and in denial, TOM: I thought he was in Seattle! and Helga was confused and hurt. MIKE: Eugene was confused and being eaten by a shark. TOM: Rhonda was confused and obscenely rich. CROW: Mr. Simmons was confused and…well…er, confused. Phoebe and Gerald were hunting for a special freshwater shrimp in a tide pool. MIKE: "Special", as in good with a light mernaise sauce. They were walking around the edges like Mr. Simmons had done before, looking for the almost clear-colored shrimp. CROW: Apparently all the shrimp in the Pacific Northwest come equipped with a cloaking device… Phoebe was leaning over MIKE: She's gonna fall in… the pool, TOM: Hyderdall overboard! thinking she may have found one, CROW: Kersplash! when she slipped on some wet rock and fell in. ALL: Hooray! Gerald went over to help her out of the water. MIKE: Once again, for those who missed it the first three times… He was pulling her out when she lost her foothold and pulled him in. ALL: Hooray! He fell in the pool on top of her. CROW: That's twice! Why does this author want to see Gerald crush poor Phoebe into particulate matter? "Great, my turn to be clumsy." Phoebe pushed Gerald off her and got up. TOM: And we don't blame her in the least. "What do you mean your turn? When was I clumsy?" MIKE: You mean when you trampled all over poor sweet Phoebe in your pathetic attempt to get at some insignificant subspecie of grass? TOM: Or when you fell from the tree in your maniacal try at exploiting the rare bird? CROW: Or when you fell out the bathroom window! MIKE: I don't remember that happening Crow… CROW: Well it could have! Gerald's shirt was clinging wetly to his torso, revealing TOM: Oh, for crying out loud! his muscular chest and slight wash board stomach CROW: Why do all of the guys in this fan-fic have the bodies of professional wrestlers? TOM: Methinks there be a wee bit of imagineering going on here. that he had worked so hard at perfecting over the summer. TOM: Well that's plausible, I guess… MIKE: If he lived down in his parents' basement, doing military presses since late May, existing only on high protein shakes and egg yolks… TOM: Yeah, like I said… Phoebe had removed her shirt and skirt CROW: Surprise, surprise. and was wringing them out, her bathing suit accenting her TOM: Slight, anorexic, junior high… fine figure. "Remember the tree? And the little birdie?" TOM, as Yoda: Remember your failure in the tree! "Oh yeah. And you kissing my palm." He glanced at her slyly. CROW: You sly dog! "Habit." Gerald took off his shirt and pants, too. TOM: Are we going to hear about how every cast member gets wet and has to undress? Because, if we are, I've got some socks to fold… (Tom starts to get up.) MIKE: Sit down little man. Phoebe slung her clothes over her shoulder, accidentally hitting Gerald. ALL: Hooray! In retaliation, Gerald slapped Phoebe in the ALL, singing: The wind in the wires made a tattle-tale sound And a wave broke over the railing And every man knew, as the captain did too T'was the witch of November come stealin'. The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait When the gales of November came slashin'. When afternoon came it was freezin' rain In the face of a hurricane west wind. She tripped in her surprise and fell on him. MIKE: How do you like it,… you, trippy,…stumbily…guy. They stared into each other's eyes. Phoebe leaned in to kiss him. CROW: She's either very brave or very stupid. TOM: She's a real trooper. Just before their lips touched, MIKE: Gerald fell on her again… a bird shrieked near them. They started TOM: Their engines… and the spell was broken. CROW: Gerald magically turned into someone with poise and dignity. They both blushed heavily as they crawled out of the pool, trying to avoid each other. MIKE: If they had done that since the beginning, we wouldn't have had to deal with this story! They stammered excuses and Phoebe said something about trying to find the shrimp and rejoining the hunt. (Crow makes bugle noises.) CROW: Bawahh Bawahhh! TOM: I say Michael, back to the hunt, wat wat? MIKE: Indeed Lord Servo! Boy, release the hounds! CROW: Yes squire! (All make barking noises.) Arnold and Helga were gathering the pictures and such for the rest of the hunt in almost absolute silence. MIKE: The Monastic order they joined in penance for their kiss demanded it… They only spoke when they needed to. Whenever Helga spoke she felt like she was going to burst into tears at any second, TOM: We can sympathize. though she struggled to hide it. How could he kiss her twice, so sweetly and passionately, and then act like it had never occurred? CROW: Isn't that sweet, they are already acting like a married couple. Whenever Arnold spoke, he sounded awkward and unsure. MIKE: You mean like he's in Junior High? Whenever he looked at Helga, or spoke to her, all he could remember was the kiss. TOM: Concert he attended at Saugherties back in '98. The warm pressure of her lips on his, their breath mingling sweetly. CROW: Notice how the author instills passion through the use of a comma. Why had he kissed her anyway? MIKE: Don't ask us, it's your adolescent fantasy. They headed back to the pavilion after they had all of the items. TOM: Too bad they didn't use the materials they found to build a crude raft and escape the fan-fic. They tried to keep from acting weird around the others. CROW: They hid their giant shoes and squeaky noses under their seats… Though they both couldn't help but notice that Phoebe, Gerald, and Mr. Simmons all seemed like they had something to hide. MIKE: Oh, sure, Harold is covered in tar and feathers, and Iggy's backpack is flopping around and using echo-location, but were going to concentrate on the same five characters… Arnold and Gerald sat together on the bus ride home and both seemed to be glancing awkwardly at their beach partners. TOM: Better than looking at them hungrily… Gerald finally realized that CROW: He was a sidekick, and thought about joining the Union… TOM: USC Local #42! Arnold wasn't going to be the one to initiate the conversation, so he spoke first. MIKE, as Gerald: Hey Bubba, where's your clothes? "So, uh, did you have a good time with Helga?" Gerald asked, trying to make conversation. MIKE, as Arnold: Well, I'm half naked, sunburnt, and overcome with feelings of guilt and remorse, so yeah, I did all right. At the sound of this, Arnold suddenly began blushing. CROW: Well, at a sound, and if no one noticed it was him… "What do you think they're talking about?" asked Phoebe who had seen Arnold blushing. TOM: Well, you know how embarrassed Arnold gets when they discuss nuclear physics. Helga glanced over and saw this too and wondered the same thing but decided to keep her mouth shut. ALL: Hooray! CROW: She's officially my favorite character Mike! "Eh, probably Gerald told him a dirty joke or something. You know how Arnold's such a goodie goodie, heh." TOM: Pretty talented how she said that with her mouth shut, huh? "Yeah, well, perhaps you're correct," said Phoebe. CROW: Or not, like I care. Both pairs of best friends continued their awkward conversations until Gerald commented on something. MIKE: Have you guys noticed how this bus hasn't gone under 55 since we got on? "Hey, Arnold, look at Simmons." TOM: Ewww, what is he doing with that cheese? Arnold peered his head over a few bus seats and noticed that Mr. Simmons CROW: Was made of a fine mess of bamboo and cotton. had a goofy smile on his face and he appeared to be humming something. MIKE: Hmmm, its raining men… Something slow. MIKE: Something easy… TOM: Something like a Sunday morning… "So, he's just a happy guy," said Arnold. CROW: I'm not touching that one. "Man, I have a feeling something's up with him, that's just a little too happy." MIKE: No one is allowed joy, I demand it! TOM: Jeez, it's like the Nowakverse… "Whatever you say Gerald," said Arnold not wanting to argue. TOM, as Arnold: Sidekick is stepping, might have to cut him down a bit… The weekend passed quickly. MIKE: Well, what about… The gang did their usual activities. CROW: And what would those… Arnold hung out with Gerald and Phoebe hung out with Helga like usual. TOM: Ambiguity ahoy! MIKE: Hey, wait! Are we going to find out who won the scavenger hunt? By the time Monday had come, CROW: Wow, do you guys have missing time syndrome too? MIKE: Yeah, why does my head hurt? Arnold had forgotten about most of his awkwardness TOM: Being in Junior High though, it came back with a vengeance at the worst possible time… and was acting like his old self again, CROW: Good ole' Arnold, with his jaggedy yellow shirt and his pitchers mound and root beer.. MIKE: I think that is Charlie Brown, Crow. CROW: Oh. until they walked into Science class. MIKE, singing: She blinded me with science… TOM: Science! "Class, I have a super duper special announcement!" said Mr. Simmons MIKE: It's starting over! ALL: Ahhhhh! more happily than usual. TOM: They must have had a sale on sweater vests at 'Pennies. (Trevor had called him over the weekend and they had spent some more time together) CROW: Watching football, drinking beers, and eating fritto's…and nothing else! "See! I told you, there is something up with him!" whispered Gerald to Arnold. TOM, as Gerald: He's a Moonie, I know it! "Eh, maybe, I still think he's just a happy guy." MIKE: Eh, maybe…maybe not. TOM: The author seems pretty convinced he's "happy". Mr. Simmons continued, MIKE: Oh, sorry, excuse us… "Since we all had such a special fun time at the beach, CROW: Sez you! I have a project for you all!" TOM: Identify the bodies of these classmates who ate shellfish they found at the beach. The class groaned. MIKE: Noun, predicate, subject, okay, it's good. "Ok, now I want you to get together with the partner you had for the scavenger hunt CROW: If they survived… and write a paper together about MIKE: Who won. what you found to be the most special and interesting thing you learned! MIKE: I learned even dolphins can't stay friendly when you poke them with sticks. TOM: I learned not to eat for an hour before swimming. CROW: I learned that you can't really pick up a jellyfish with happy results. Then, I want you to take the pictures that you shot that I told you to save and make a scrapbook! MIKE: Umm, Mr. Simmons, my family can't afford to develop my photos. CROW, as Simmons: Too bad, you fail. MIKE: But sir, please! CROW: as Simmons: Talk to the hand! If you lost your pictures, TOM: Or burned them as incriminating evidence… then just make your report a couple more extra special pages long! CROW: Oh boy, he'd better be ready for fifty ten-page papers of "therefores", "ands", "whereas"… TOM: And "Thusly's"! CROW: Heh heh heh! Due Wednesday!" Most of the class groaned even louder MIKE: As their appendixes simultaneously burst. at this because they didn't want to be stuck with the same person that Mr. Simmons had paired them up with, but Gerald and Phoebe looked Happy, TOM: "Happy?" CROW: Boy, this author likes to use "happy" for a euphemism for a lot of emotions and preferences, huh? Helga was just shocked, CROW: By her clock radio falling into her bath that morning. and Arnold felt all that awkwardness returning. MIKE: As he had just accidentally shoved his pen up his nose. That afternoon, Arnold raced up to his room and started doing his other homework. TOM: Our hero, the obsessive workaholic… He had only spoken to Helga once during lunch to set up a time to meet him at his house. MIKE: Make the drop at 1800 hours, green towel means mission is a go. The pass words are "contrived plot device"… She was going to be there at 6 o'clock. CROW: The snipers would have to be in position by then… Arnold found himself incredibly nervous for no reason at all and was having trouble concentrating, MIKE: Okay, Arnold, concentrate, you can do this…Question 1: What is the capital of France? TOM: Table salt. MIKE: Okay, good. Question 2: What is the symbol NaCl represent? CROW: Cornelius Vanderbilt! MIKE: Doing fine, Question 3: Who formed the New York Central Railroad? TOM: Paris. MIKE: See, that wasn't so tough! but he finally managed to get it all done. CROW: Not correctly or neatly, but done none the less. Not a moment too soon because shortly after that, TOM: The Second Coming! MIKE: Not our luck, I'm afraid. the doorbell rang. CROW: Avon calling! Arnold raced out the door and down the steps barely beating Grandpa to the door. TOM: So, our hero can't outrace an eighty year old? "Its ok, I got it," Arnold panted. MIKE, as Arnold: (pant) I've got to (pant) stop (pant) putting away a pack (pant) of Marls' a day (pant). "Ok short man," MIKE: Grandpa, ladies and gentlemen. (All clap politely.) TOM, whispering: He's my new favorite character. Arnold opened the door. CROW: And beheld an angel afire, pointing to him and speaking of Armageddon's plain… "Hey Arnold," MIKE: Trademark, copyright. Helga said as she stepped in. They went up to his room. TOM: I'm remembering the next verse of "Edmund Fitzgerald", just in case, Mike. MIKE: Good boy, Tom. "Okay. The paper is supposed to be about what we found to be the most special and interesting thing we learned. CROW: Thanks for reminding us, we fell asleep in study hall and drooled all over our notes. What can you think of?" TOM: Getting out of this fan-fic, if possible. 'The most special thing I learned is that you possibly like me. Why else would you kiss me?' she thought. Out loud she said, MIKE: The most special thing I learned is that you possibly like me. Why else would you kiss me? CROW: He, he, he! "I'm not sure, let's review what we did on the trip and on the hunt." TOM, as Helga: Well, let's see, we ran around like morons, fell in the water, and got undressed. MIKE, as Arnold: Yeah, that just about does it, we only need about four more pages, would ya' say? "Ok, Helga." Arnold started repeating all the things they had done and learned that he could remember that they'd done on the first part of the trip. MIKE, as Arnold: That's funny, all I can remember after that is when the squid tried to suck my face off, do you remember that? When he was about to recount the hunt, CROW: Me mighty hunter! Spear long! Wildebeast tremble at my approach! Helga took over. TOM: Liberia in a bloody coup 'deta. She slowed down when she reached the thirteenth item. MIKE: Buckle yourselves in guys, this is gonna be a toughy… "Then we went after the muscle and I fell into the water, CROW: And apparently found Arnold covered in them. then we went after the leaf." She fixed Arnold with a piercing gaze. TOM, as Helga: Take…that…back! "Then when we were looking for the tree, we started talking." MIKE: You guys are all strapped in right? TOM: Roger… CROW:…Ramjet! (Out of nowhere, three safety bars raise up in front of Mike and the Bots.) DISNEYWORLD VOICE ANNOUNCER: Please keep all hands and feet inside the fan-fic at all times, and please, no flash photography. (Silence.) CROW: Mike, where did that voice come from? TOM: Here's the lift hill! "Helga, please--" CROW: Wow, nice view, I can see all the theater from here… "Then you accused me of being jealous, and I got mad." (All bank left in their seats, and start screaming.) MIKE: Whooooooooooooo! TOM:Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh! CROW: Ohhhhhhhhhh Godddddd! "Helga, don't. Please, let's not-" (All immediately bank right, still screaming.) MIKE: Yeah yeah yeahhhhhhhhh! TOM: Righteousssssssssssssss! CROW: Hur, hur, righteous?, hur, hurlllllllllllllllllllllllllll! "And then I pinned you against the tree." (The safety bars come up, and Mike and Tom "high five" each other, to the best of Tom's abilities.) TOM: That was great! CROW: I feel terrible…owwww… Arnold was shifting in his seat uncomfortably, MIKE: I should of used Preparation H… unable to look away from Helga's eyes or turn from her piercing gaze. TOM: Sleeeeeeeep! Crow: He, he, ….hurllllllll! MIKE: Crow? "Helga, let's just skip to the sixteenth item." "Why?" CROW: Because I have a fondness for it in my heart, it reminds me of the strong scents of the days of my youth in Newcastle… TOM: He's back, he's bad, he's Crow T. Robot! "Because that kiss never happened." MIKE: Well, actually it did. I remember it because it was the only plot point that didn't involve undressing or steroid abuse. Each of his words wormed into Helga's heart like a large, sharp shard of ice. TOM: If large, sharp, shards of ice did that sort of thing of their own accord. "Yes it did! CROW: Sasquatch DID have Elvis's baby, I read it in the Star! You kissed me and then I kissed you. TOM, as Helga: I remember because I had a cold sore all weekend! Then you just reached up and picked the leaf like we never kissed!" MIKE, as Arnold: Wait, that was a kiss? I thought you were getting the last of the pastrami loaf off my face… "Because we didn't." MIKE: Well, kid, you did, and if you want proof, just let me rewind the fan-fic here… TOM: Crow! Stop him! CROW: Stop it, Mike, that isn't funny… MIKE: You guys can't take a joke! (Commercial break.)