(We rejoin the crew on the bridge. MIKE, TOM and CROW are in their usual positions. A good-sized chunk of TOMs' dome is gone. MIKE is covered in soot and one arm of his jumpsuit is gone. GYPSY is busy using her internal fire extinguisher to put out small fires all over the bridge. ALL are watching her in silence. CROW doesn't seem overly concerned with the small fire that is consuming his webbing. Much of the machinery is in motion, the Nannites hard at work removing it from the bridge.) CROW: Yup. MIKE: Yup. (GYPSY's fire extinguisher fwoooshes in the background.) ( The fire on CROW's head crackles softly.) (Silence.) CROW: Something else… MIKE: Yup. (Fwooooosh.) (Crackle.) (Silence.) CROW: Gadget Hackwrench hasn't failed us yet… MIKE: Nope. (Fwooooosh.) (Crackle.) (Silence.) CROW: Nice shooting, by the way, Mike. MIKE: Thanks. (Fwooooosh.) (Crackle.) (Silence.) CROW: And, Tom, what you were doing, came out all right. TOM: Thanks. (Fwooooosh.) (Crackle.) (Silence.) GYPSY: Nannites report hull breach secured, life support fully functioning and main drives as bad as usual and no worse. Fires on all subdecks are being contained. Unfortunately, the theater was unaffected by the blast… MIKE: Figures, thank you Gypsy. CROW: Yeah. Thanks for all your help Gyp. TOM: Thanks Gypsy. MIKE: Uhh, Gypsy could you extinguish Crow? GYPSY: Sure. (GYPSY opens her mouth and a massive quantity of flame retardant pours over CROW. CROW is left almost totally white.) CROW: Thanks again Gyp. MIKE: Thank you for everything Gypsy, sorry about the mess. TOM: She's great. (Silence.) (Fan-fic sign goes off.) CROW: We've got fan-fic sign. MIKE: Yup. (Silence.) CROW: Ya' know if the wormhole generators hadn't been air cooled… TOM: Oh, shut up and get in the theater! (All amble into the theater.) 6 5 4 3 2 1 (ALL take their seats as the fan-fic continues. MIKE wipes his hand across the top of Crows webbing, and smells the retardant.) MIKE: I like that new Aloe scent flame retardant Gypsy switched over to. CROW: Yeah, smells pretty good… "No, no, I think the picture should go here," TOM: It brings out the red in our eyes more when you put it next to this out of focus one… Gerald said and placed his hand on Phoebe's CROW: Oh no! What's the next verse of "Fitzgerald"?! MIKE: No, no, it's a false alarm. moving the picture to another location on the page. CROW: Man, I got really scared there! TOM: Yeah, me too, but I think we are all right for now… Phoebe looked up at him surprised and moved her hand on top of his. TOM: Then again… "No, no, I believe it should go here. CROW: That way we can cover up where your thumb got in the shot. Gerald switched it so he had both hands on Phoebe's hand and said, MIKE: Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man… "I think it looks better here!" TOM: It will draw attention away from your shot of your feet. Phoebe retaliated CROW: With a precision airstrike against Gerald's main manufacturing centers. by placing both her hands on top of Gerald's and said a little louder, MIKE: PATTY cake, PATTY cake, BAKER'S MAN! "It is better suited to go here!" TOM: That way, the shot where you accidentally turned on the panoramic view doesn't take up the whole page! Gerald put his face right up close to Phoebe's, MIKE, whispering: Rosebud! their hand switched positions, and without even looking on the paper Gerald continued, CROW: Bake me a cake as fast as you can! "No, It definitely should go here." TOM: We can replace your shot of the sun with it! Phoebe placed her hands on top of Gerald's one more time and said slowly, MIKE: Roll…….it……Bake……it……Mark….it…..with….…..a………G. putting her face up to his so that their noses touched, ALL: Awwwwwwwww! "I think…it…should….go…" TOM: Up your snout! Before she could finish her sentence, Gerald CROW: No! He's going to fall on her again! I can't watch! (CROW disappears under his seat.) kissed her, this time without interruption. TOM: Poor Gerald, it must be so frustrating to suffer from kissus interruptus… MIKE: Crow? It's okay, nothing happened… (CROW re-emerges.) Phoebe, stunned, sat there frozen for a few seconds, CROW, as Phoebe: He…he didn't fall on me! I might survive this fan-fic after all! just letting Gerald kiss her, but once she realized what was happening, TOM: She ran to the bathroom to gargle. the boy of her dreams had finally kissed her, MIKE: And Gerald had too, it was turning out to be quite the day! she began to kiss him back. CROW, as Phoebe: If I can keep him occupied, I can bide my time to escape before I get crushed! Gerald was overjoyed when Phoebe began kissing him back. TOM, as Gerald: Great! No lawsuit this time! 'She likes me! She really likes me!' MIKE, pretending to Cry: I…would like…to thank the academy… he thought to himself. He reached his left hand out behind him and swept the scrapbook contents onto the floor with the sound of fluttering papers and a thud when the book hit the ground. TOM: Wow! CROW: Nice line! MIKE: Not bad, not bad at all! He lay back on the bed bringing Phoebe down on top of TOM: A trap! It was a trap! MIKE: The author lured us into a sense of security, and hit us with this! CROW: Quick! Edmund Fitzgerald! ALL: When suppertime came, the old cook came on deck sayin'. Fellas, it's too rough to feed ya'. At seven P.M. a main hatchway caved in, he said Fellas, it's been good t'know ya CROW: Hey, it's over! Let's save the rest of that verse for when we really need it! MIKE: Good idea. Timberly had been playing in her room when she heard the sound of the scrapbook falling to the ground. MIKE: No! Not Timberly! Leave her alone fan-fic! She decided to investigate what had happened. TOM: No Timberly! Stay away! Save yourself! She walked down the hall and opened Gerald's door, not bothering to knock. CROW: It's like watching a minor character in a slasher movie go back into the house while the ominous music is playing! Gerald and Phoebe heard the door open and pulled apart quickly, TOM: Oh, I don't even want to know what they were stuck together with! but Timberly had already seen, and the look on her face let Gerald know. CROW: That she was traumatized for life. MIKE: H*ll, I'm traumatized, she's traumatized, your traumatized, plenty of trauma for everybody! "Sh*t!" slipped Gerald without thinking. TOM: Pile that trauma on! Keep it coming! Timberly's mouth just opened wider. The seven year old spoke. MIKE, as Timberly: I'm going to need so much therapy… "I'm telling on you! You were bad! And then you were bad again!" CROW: Ya' know, Mike, I'm really starting to like her! "Timberly! No! If mom finds out, I'm so dead! Please don't tell!" ALL: Tell her! Tell her! Tell her! Tell her! Phoebe just sat there looking embarrassed. MIKE: For some moments in life, there are no words. "But you were kissing! Eeeeeew! And then you said a bad word! CROW: You're going to h*ll! Mommy's gonna be so mad at you!" TOM: My respect for her grows with every line! "Wait! Here, take this!" MIKE: It's my spare kidney, it's all I've got, I swear! Gerald reached in his back pocket and fished out his wallet. (CROW makes squeaky, rusty sounds.) He reached inside and pulled out a ten-dollar bill. He knew paying off Timberly didn't come cheap. CROW: Jeez, how much is Gerald pulling down a year? TOM: His dad gives his $100 a month in allowance, but that's before taxes. "What I said, and what you saw, it didn't happen, got it?" MIKE: We can live with that arrangement. TOM: Oh yes! "The kiss never happened, but I'm still telling mommy you said a bad word," She said, and ran out the door with Gerald's money. CROW: Wow! She's a shrewd operator! TOM: I want her to negotiate my contract when it comes up! MIKE: Contract? What contract, what are you talking about? TOM and CROW: Nothing! "Sh*t," said Gerald again. MIKE: All right! That does it! (Mike stands up, grabs a bar of soap from his seat, and viciously attacks Gerald's general vicinity on the screen.) TOM: Get him, Mike! Get him! Wash that mouth out! "Gerald, we need to do something about your mouth." CROW: Break it or remove it, your choice. (MIKE sits down.) "Keep it shut," he said, kissing Phoebe again. MIKE: Ewwwww, Mr. Suave. Mr. Simmons had put on his green biking shorts and ALL: The captain wired he had water comin' in And the good ship and crew were in peril. And later that night when his lights went out of sight Came the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald! 'Ok, Robert, you had a really nice night, but when you're at school, you have to act like that kiss never happened.' CROW: We will if you will… The next day at school, MIKE: They found out who won the scavenger hunt? TOM: The President ordered the sidekicks back to work? CROW: Gerald fell on Phoebe? Gerald excitedly told Arnold what had happened between him and Phoebe, CROW: I was right! "So then, I kissed her, TOM: And she gagged… and then she kissed me back, CROW: And I swallowed my retainer… and then we were makin' out, MIKE, as Arnold: Whatever you say, Gerald… and then Timberly came in, TOM: And she blackmailed me, and… and then more kissing and more and more and more!!! CROW: And we exploded in a massive fireball! Then we finally got the scrapbook done. MIKE: We ended with a two-page mosaic of shots where only half of the subject is in frame… Then we kissed to celebrate! TOM: Hurrah. Then I asked her out! CROW: She said pistols at high noon! Will you be my second? And then she said yes! MIKE: No, no, no. And then I kissed her!! TOM, singing: My Lola, L…o…l…a, Lola… And then I got grounded by my mom for saying the 's' word! CROW: Go Mom! Keep that little Don Juan inside for the rest of the fan-fic! And then Phoebe left, but not before I kissed her goodbye!" MIKE: Let's see, 1,2,3,4…5,6,7…8…9, if you count cousins, I'm still ahead of him. Then Gerald took a breath. TOM: Why did he have to go and do something stupid like that! "Sounds like you had fun," CROW, as Arnold: On the other hand, seems like Phoebe went through pure h*ll… said Arnold still confused from the encounter with Helga. MIKE: Jeez, that was over a day ago! Arnold needs to take some stress management classes. "What's wrong with you man!!" said Gerald still excited. TOM: I'm in this fan-fic… "Nothing, I just have a lot on my mind." MIKE: He lied… "Oh, look, there's Phoebe, TOM: Run, Phoebe! Run! I'll catch ya later man! CROW: You'll have to find me first. MIKE: BTW, did you get a chance to look over the draft of my new contract? PHOEBE!!!" TOM: Get down! Gerald ran off. ALL: Hooray! Helga was still looking forward to her plan to get back at Arnold, MIKE: It was a moot point since she hadn't thought of one yet, still, it was fun just to roll the idea around in her head. and Finally Science class came when they would present their projects. TOM: and Eventually English class would roll around… CROW…then somewhat Later Gym would rear its ugly head… MIKE:… probably end her day by ambling Through Art class. "Welcome! TOM: You've got mail! And how is my special class today!" ALL: Sick of school, sick of life, sick of you… said the overjoyed Mr. Simmons. MIKE: Apparently, Mr. Simmons is a big coffee fan. The class groaned. CROW: Boy, you can really see why Simmons wanted to stay with this group, they just love him, huh? TOM: Yup, this was really worth giving up the Health Package for. "Today, your special projects are due and we will share with the class! Who wants to go first?" MIKE: The class carried-on and bellyached. Helga had wanted to be the last one to go and Arnold didn't seem to mind either, TOM, in "Grandma" voice: Well, isn't he such a gentleman, taking such an active part in his own destruction! so she waited through seven boring oral reports and five scrapbooks. CROW: Eight status reports, four briefings, one haiku, three sworn testimonies… TOM: And a partridge in a pear tree! (Harold had lost the pictures and Curly had…eaten his… don't ask) MIKE: No! Tell us! We want to know! TOM: We want to get our minds off of this romantic sabotage! Please, for the love of dog, tell us what the other sixteen characters have been doing for the last week! CROW: Are they well? Are they eating good? Are they getting enough sleep? MIKE: And who won the scavenger hunt! Please, in the name of all that is decent, tell me! Finally, It was Helga and Arnold's turn. ALL: Hooray. Arnold presented the scrapbook since he had made it, TOM: Convenient! and then it was time for Helga to read the report. CROW, as Helga: Partly cloudy over the bay cities, with a cold front extending well into Minnesota and the Plains states.. 'Ok, you can do this, the kids are mature, MIKE: They have been ripening in the sun all summer and have taken on a deep rich vintage… and if they give you trouble, pound them. TOM: That sounds reasonable enough! You have to get back at Arnold,' Helga thought as she psyched herself up. TOM and CROW: Bum,b-bum,bum,b-bum MIKE, singing: Well, I'm going to… TOM and CROW: Hey! MIKE, singing: Get back at Arnold, and… TOM and CROW: Hey! MIKE: I'm going to make sure… TOM and CROW: Hey! MIKE, singing: He's really embarrassed… "We believed that the most special and interesting part about the field trip was TOM: When we went home. the scavenger hunt. It was really fun to put the knowledge that we had gathered earlier in the day to use." CROW, as Helga: Or at least that is what I would say in court… She then recounted every detail from the scavenger hunt, MIKE, as Helga: I then proceeded to crumple the paper cup so that cylindrical wall location "A" met cylindrical wall location "B" at point "Y". Now, before I go on to the actual disposing of the cup, is their any questions about this section? every item, every time they had fallen in the water, TOM: Was burned into my memory, from now until my diodes rot away. not forgetting to mention Arnold's hot body. CROW: Or lack thereof. When Arnold heard her reading, he turned all shades of red MIKE: All 3,600 pigments in the red spectrum… and hoped she wasn't about to say what he had feared. TOM: His stock portfolio was under performing? "And then, the fifteenth item was a leaf, and Arnold started talking about how he was jealous of all the couples in the class, don't ask me why, and it bugged me, so I pinned him against a tree, and, he kissed me! CROW: Well that's actually a pretty straightforward unbiased representation of the incident. But oh no, he didn't just kiss me, he KISSED me, if ya know what I mean. MIKE: Innuendo just is…NOT…funny coming from a 14-year-old. I think he likes me. TOM, sarcasm chip: I'm sure your actions here today have won you a place in his heart. So, anyway, turns out the tree had the leaf we needed, so we picked the leaf…" CROW: Like the lowly scavengers we are. Anywho… Arnold was still turning all shades of red, MIKE: As he was undergoing nuclear fusion… but now he was mad at Helga. "I didn't kiss you!" He shouted out. "I didn't!" ALL: YOU DID! "Whatever you say Arnold, anyway, the next item was…" TOM: Ouch! Used his own catch phrase against him! Helga finished her report and went back to her seat. Arnold followed. CROW, as Crocodile Hunter: The female has clearly shown her superiority over this lower male, look at him squirm! "Well, that was certainly special," said Mr. Simmons uncomfortably. CROW: I'll be good, Mike. "Ok! Tomorrow we will be starting…." He changed the subject. MIKE: The class p*ssed and moaned. "Helga, how could you do that to me?" TOM, as Helga: It was easy, all I had to do was go up front and… Arnold squeaked with a lump in his throat. CROW: He quickly asphyxiated and died. The End. "The same way you could forget about what happened you football headed freak. Excuse me, I have to take notes." MIKE: Helga G. Pataki, vengeful scorned lover, stereotypical bully, over looked younger child, stenographer. She turned away from him, satisfied that she had gotten her revenge. TOM, as Helga: Yes! Sweet vengeance is mine! Ha ha ha ha ha! Wonder what's for lunch… Arnold was in his room, pacing the floor. CROW: Man! I ordered that pizza four hours ago, where is it? He'd gone up to his room the second he'd come home and holed up in there. MIKE: He had taken three weeks worth of food, all of the "Soldier of Fortune" magazines he could find, and was now shouting anti-government propaganda and throwing Yahoo soda bottles at people on the street He hadn't said anything to anyone, and Grandpa was worried. TOM: Who would do all of the menial labor? He wasn't even sure if Arnold was home. CROW: And he didn't care. He headed up to Arnold's room, worried about his grandson. He knocked on the door. TOM: Avon call…no, wait, we already did that one. "Arnold? You in there, Short man?" MIKE, as Grandpa: Why don't you come out before the SWAT teams arrive, it will be less messy that way… "Yes! Now go away!" TOM, French accent: Or I shall taunt you a second time! Arnold's voice was slightly shrill with pent up rage and frustration. Crow: Ohhhh, I could give her such a pinch! Grandpa was incredibly shocked. MIKE: Jeez, does everyone in Arnold's family have an electrolyte imbalance? "Are you sure, Arnold?" Arnold plopped onto the sofa and curled up into the feral position. TOM: Oh, he's doing fine. "Yes, leave, please." CROW: Having dismissed his advisors, Arnold now went forward with his plan. However, through his own mistakes the plan to give the British command of West Point will fail, making it one of the great "Blunders of History", tonight at 4:30. Then stay tuned for "Modern Marvels". He was on the verge of tears. MIKE, singing: I'm gonna cry…lonely teardroops! TOM and Crow: Wap, wap! Grandpa walked down the stairs, even more worried about his only grandson. CROW: I don't know why, his intervention there went pretty well. (Commercial break.)