by SpiderBraids
Okay, Helga's going to bed. The music goes sinister as she dreams of her performance at the competition. There's only one podium on the stage, and an old guy with glasses and a deep authorative voice is drilling Helga with a series of questions. She does good on the capital of Montana and the number of pints in a gallon. (BTW: Helena and eight.)
Helga's struggling on the invention of dental floss when she suddenly sees that Mr. Authoritive has somehow been replaced by Footballhead in Authoritive's robes. The only questions he's drilling her with are basically: "Why the heck are you competing here, and shouldn't Phoebe, your best friend, be competing?" Arnold also drills her with the statement, "It's Phoebe's night to shine. Not yours!" Pretty remarkable that her dream comes out this way since, as you hopefully noted a few scenes ago, Footballhead made absolutely no (explicit) recommendation about just giving Phoebe the spot.
Helga wakes up. She washes her face in the bathroom. Yada yada, Helga thinks Arnold's trying to make her feel guilty, blah blah, she should be doing the right thing, yada yada, she still thinks it's just a crazy dream, blah blah. She goes back to bed. Yawn.
The Patakis' car drives up to the Hyerdahls' and pick up Phoebe. I assume that this is before dawn on the competition day. Although it was just a crazy dream (so Helga says), Arnold's repeated drilling in it soon repeatedly fades over Phoebe's suggestion of some extra last-minute tutoring, and complaining she didn't tutor Helga too well on geography.
After Four Eyes is done with her bit, Helga snaps at her: "Stop it! How could you let me do this? You should have been in the finals, not me, and you know it!" Okay, there's a reason for the underline. Helga, the final hasn't even started, and you're already talking as if she'd already missed it? (Meanwhile, the grammar geek in me calls Helga on using the "unreal past perfect" tense, which is the same thing.) Looks like your grip on grammar is slipping, Helga. And so is Helga's grip on her ill-deserved spot. Yada yada yada, Helga did say it wasn't Four Eyes' night, blah blah, but it was, yada yada, Phoebe should have made the finals, blah blah, heck, she would have won hands down, yada yada, but instead Phoebe's the alternate, blah blah, Helga should have stood up for Four Eyes, yada yada, instead she made Four Eyes take a dive just so she could look good, blah blah, but Four Eyes was the best, yada yada, and nothing (including Helga) will be stopping her from winning tonight, blah blah.
City auditorium. Helga complains about stomach cramps. Like that would have stopped Four Eyes from competing. Even if she was half-asleep (like she was this time a few days ago) she would still be competing. And yet with Helga, Simmons takes that as an excuse to ask Phoebe if she can fill in at such short notice. Phoebe has not trained at all for the finals, I might add. (At least, that's my impression.)
Stage. Three podia. Phoebe is, well, on one of them. Don Del Grande nitpicks that this suggests there are only three schools in the whole city. I also point out that there were only 10 students in the City-Wide [Spelling Bee], and the final three all go to PS 118: there's Arnold and Helga, and that kid Helga shoves at the start of ["Helga on the Couch"] who gets hauled off the bee for cheating. Also, one of the other contestants is the girl who reads the "Romeo & Juliet" prologue in ["School Play"], according to Don.
Anyways, as Mr. Authoritive is ready to read the first question, we fade straight into a visual montage of frustrated contestants, questions being read, buzzers being buzzed and scores being tallied on big honkin' 7-segment displays (think electronic calculator liquid crystal display, only much bigger and powered with lights instead). Not shown: Big Bob chewing out Helga for simply quitting, or Helga saying something like "I would never have gotten that one", or, as Don nitpicks again, any sign that Phoebe's parents are here to see this (although with Four Eyes' 11th hour entry, who could blame them for pulling a Mary and Richard Hayter and missing their kid's great achievement?).
And it's down to the final question. Phoebe is in the lead, but only two points separate the three (61, 50, 59). Flashback to "Spelling Bee" where the deciding word "qualm" is the same word that won it for Olga. Right now, the final question is about the state bird of Maine. Some viewers roll their eyes at this convenient coincidence, as Helga knows it's the chickadee, and although Phoebe hesitates a bit after buzzing in, Phoebe also knows. So Phoebe takes home the trophy. Yaay.
Oh, you want an epilogue? Here's your epilogue. Helga is clapping for Phoebe backstage when Footballhead (what, he's here too?) approaches, notices she's feeling better from the stomach cramps, and praises her for doing the right thing. Again, I note that a few scenes ago, Footballhead made absolutely no (explicit) recommendation about just giving Phoebe the spot, though I can understand that he may have had that idea in mind as well. Anyways, Helga fobs him off again, and continues clapping as Phoebe takes her trophy.
One [Pig War] later, the closing credits. Hey, why the heck no credit for Anndi McAfee? She's the title character of this ep (for crying out loud!). Meanwhile, several years later, the All Grown Up! writing staff (ironically, Joe Purdy was once on it) decides to rip off this story, and in the process getting rid of the whole "alternate" deal that justified Four Eyes' participation in the quiz. Sheesh.