Buzzie "Twist and spike, twist and spike. There." Daniel Jones examined his hair, which Darren just styled. "Thanks, Darren." "Your hair’s a much better length for this sort of thing. Mine’s getting too long." Darren tosselled his half inch long hair in front of the mirror. "Didn’t you just cut off 6 inches?" "Yeah, but..." "And didn’t you say you wanted to grow it out again?" "One does need trims, you know." "I understand, but with a weed wacker?" "That’s not funny, Daniel. Are you ready to go yet?" Darren and Daniel slid into Darren’s new Volvo and drove off to Costco to pick up wholesale products. While walking down the hair aisle, Darren stumbled upon a huge vat of hair gel. "Daniel, how long do you think this one’ll last me?" "All of a week, tops. I’m gonna go get some chocolate." Daniel headed for the other side of the warehouse. Darren gathered two vats of the gel and put them in his cart. Some woman gave him a weird look, so he flipped his hair back and did a strut down the aisle. Then he saw it: the BuzzMaster 2000. The tool designed to shave 5 settings of beards; 5 being the longest, 1 being the shortest. Darren eyed it suspiciously, looked both ways to make sure nobody was watching, and greedily grabbed the box. His eyes opened wide as they read the box of the BuzzMaster 2000. His eyes then darted in every direction. He flung the BuzzMaster 2000 into his cart, and sped towards the checkout. After he paid, Darren stuffed the BuzzMaster 2000 in his trunk, but put the gel in the back seat. Hoping his absence wouldn’t be noticed, Darren sprinted back to Costco, nearly colliding with Daniel. "Darren where have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you." Trying to catch his breath, Darren said, "I just wanted to drop my stuff off in the car." Still thinking the whole situation was odd, Daniel shrugged it off. They started walking toward the car together. "So, Darren, what’d you get?" "Gel! I only got some gel!" Oh, ok. Well, let me put my blocks of chocolate in the trunk." " No! I mean, there’s no room because I have, uh, sand in there." "Sand?" "You know, to weigh the car down so you don’t slip on the ice." "Darren, it’s 85º out." Darren thought. "Well, you know these non-el niño years. The weather’s all wacky." "Oh. Ok." The two got inside of the Volvo and Daniel put Pop in the CD player. When Darren made a right-hand turn out of the parking lot, the BuzzMaster 2000 slid to the left side of the trunk. "Darren, what was that?" Daniel asked. "What was what?" A left-hand turn. "There it goes again!" "Man, that sand is wacked out." "What do you really have in there, a dead body?" "I told you: sand." The car stopped in front of Daniel’s house, and the two just looked at each other. "Good-bye, Daniel." "Good-bye." Daniel gathered his blocks of chocolate and went into his house. When Darren got to his house, he opened the door cautiously, holding the BuzzMaster 2000 behind his back. He found a note on the fridge: "Darren- Went out for some ice cream. Love, Colby." Darren put one vat of gel on the vanity in the master bath, and the other underneath the sink. He quickly removed the BuzzMaster 2000 from its box and stuffed the box in the trash compactor, sparing the instructions. He washed his hair, and shut all of the blinds in the house. Darren flicked the switch on, and it made a humming sound. "Ooh!" He shut it off and on until he got used to the noise and vibrations of the BuzzMaster 2000. He set the dial to 5, the longest-haired setting, and squeezed his eyes tight... Colby came home a half an hour later with a half-eaten boat of a banana split. At this time, Darren was disposing of his hair trimmings. "Darren? Where are you?" "Uh, I’m in the bedroom." Darren tried to hide the BuzzMaster 2000 from his wife. "There you are. What’d you get from Costco?" "I got some gel and Buzzie." "Buzzie?" "This hair trimmer. See?" Darren showed off his hair. "It’s a BuzzMaster 2000." "Your hair looks so cute! I thought you said you wanted to grow it out." "It needed a trim." "Well, ok. If you say so." The next affie, Darren met up with Daniel at the Beatnik Café. "Darren! You got a haircut!" "I did it myself. You like?" "Pretty good, but your ‘twist and spike’s are a little short, don’t you think?" "Not at all. I like it a lot." Darren ordered hazelnut coffee, and Daniel ordered regular. "So, Darren’ what’d you cut your hair off with?" "Buzzie." "Uh huh. I see. You cut you hair with a bumble bee." "No! Buzzie is my new BuzzMaster 2000." "Ah ha." Daniel raised one eyebrow and sipped his coffee. After awhile, Darren decided he ought to be getting home. As he was walking into his house, Colby informed him that she’d be out for a few hours eating ice cream. Darren walked past the master bath to put his boots in his closet, and he heard it calling him from the medicine cabinet. "What’s that, Buzzie?" Darren’s wide eyes stared at the BuzzMaster 2000 in his hands, "Yes..." He turned the setting to 4, and gave his hair another trim. Darren didn’t have another self-hair-trimming episode for a week. He was in Toby’s Pub enjoying some bottled mineral water when he heard it calling him. "Daniel, I have to go. It’s, uh, getting late." "Darren, it’s 7:30." "Oh my! 7:30! Colby’s gonna kill me!" Darren grabbed his keys and the remainder of his bottled mineral water and walked out of Toby’s Pub. "Colby, is my hair too long?" Darren examined his hair in the mirror before him. "No! I like it like this." "Maybe just a little trim..." "What is with you and cutting your hair so often?" Colby was starting to get worried. "What are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine; I LIKE SHORT HAIR." Darren flipped the dial to 3, turned Buzzie on, walked into the bathroom and shut the door. Colby tried to hold back tears. Why was Darren acting like this? She decided to go pick up some ice ream, slamming the front door behind her. She came home later that night to find Darren, in bed, reading an Anne Rice novel. "Colby," Darren put the book face down on his lap,"I’m sorry I snapped before. Forgive me?" "I’m sorry I didn’t respect your decision to cut your hair again." They hugged. "Colby, if you don’t mind my asking, have you gained a little weight lately?" Darren asked honestly. Colby pushed him away. "You couldn’t let everything be good! You had to go and spoil it!" (they have a small fight and Colby leaves) "What’s making me do this?" Darren sat on the bed, his face buried in his hands. Then he heard it calling him. Buzzzz. Darren lifted his head. Buzzzz. Buzzzz. Darren picked up Buzzie. "It’s all your fault! You made me fight with Colby!" He shook the BuzzMaster 2000 in his hands. "What am I saying? I’m blaming my troubles on a beard trimmer!" Buzzzz. Setting 2. The door of Toby’s Pub opened and Colby entered. "Daniel, I need to talk to you." Colby’s eyes were red and her face tear-streaked. "Colby, what’s the matter?" "It’s Darren...I’m really worried." "What’s the matter? Did he cheat on you?" "Worse. he cut his hair!" "Again?!" "Yes!" "My goodness, how come you didn’t tell me it was so serious?" "What should I do?" Colby sat on a barstool. "What setting was the BuzzMaster 2000 on?" Daniel asked, putting his hand on Colby’s. "When I left, it was 3, but it may be lower now." "We must move quickly." Daniel stood up, "Toby, put it on my tab." The two left for the Hayes household. "The lowest setting for the most macho hair possible..."Darren sat, his eyes red. He turned Buzzie on. Buzzzz. Darren lifted Buzzie up with his right hand as the bathroom door burst open. "Darren, don’t do it!" Colby was there with Daniel standing beside her. "Colby! Don’t take another step, or I’ll do it!" Darren held Buzzie as if it were a knife. Colby put her hands up to show she was unarmed, and the wallet which she had been holding fell to the floor, opening to a picture of Darren with spider hair. Darren dropped to his knees at the sight of this. "My hair! My hair!" Buzzie fell to the floor and in Darren’s hand was the wallet of pictures. "Help me, Colby? Daniel?" "The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." Daniel said. "What’s the second?" Darren was becoming happier because he was progressing so rapidly. "I don’t know; I haven’t gotten there yet." "Oh." Darren’s head fell. "The second step," Colby broke in, "is saying good-bye to Buzzie." "Good-bye? To Buzzie?" "Yes." Darren stood up, and decided to be rid of Buzzie forever. PLOP! Buzzie fell in the toilet, and Darren flushed. As the water whirled around in a clockwise direction, tears fell from Darren’s eyes. "Daniel, it’s stuck." "Damn." "Oh well. Guys...lets get some more ice cream....my treat?" Colby requested. "Sure why not!" said Darren. "I'll have some vanilla ice cream" "I'll have some butterscotch" said Colby. "Do they have chocolate?"