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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (resist impulse to get new cat).
- Again proceed as in #1 except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
- If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cats mouth, take pill &....Oops!
- This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing slashing claws are causing the chaos here, aren't they?
- Crawl to the linen closet licking your wounds. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread the towel on the floor.
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cats front & back legs over its stomach (resist impulse to flatten cat).
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
- Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop it into cats mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
- Vacuum up loose fur (the cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins & lie down.
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