MYSTERY SAILOR THEATER 3000: "SAILOR MOON: FANTASY!" MSTed by Sailor Mac (AmberSesht@aol.com) and Mark Berger (mberger8837@VAX2.WINONA.MSUS.EDU) Warning: Reading this fic over and over can cause discomfort in certain areas of your body. Your head and your stomach. Best Brains, Inc. and Toei Productions present. . . A Moon and Rose MSTing. . . Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000! MSTing by Sailor Mac and Mark Berger. Love Theme from Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000 (obviously to the tune of "Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater 3000") In the not-too-distant future Way down in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank Were hatching an Evil Scheme. They caught a girl called Sailor Moon Just a teenage girl who likes to sleep till noon Their experiment needed a good test case, So they signed up with the NegaVerse And shot her into space. (Get me down!) We'll send her cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find (la-la-la), She'll have to sit and watch them all, And we'll monitor her mind (la-la-la). Now keep in mind Serena can't control Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la), She'll try to keep her sanity With the help of her Sailor friends. Sailor Roll Call: Venus! Jupiter! Mercury! Maaars! If you're wondering how she eats and breathes and other science facts (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Sailor Theater 3000!" --- Serena woke up. It was just like any other morning after a romantic night, with Darien, until she realized that she had woken up on a double bed, in a room strewn with underwear. She did the only thing that she could think of: She screamed. Next to her, Darien woke up, wincing in pain. DARIEN: Calm down, Meatb. . . What the heck happened to my bedroom!? SERENA (hugs Darien tightly): Darien, I have a feeling we're not in Tokyo anymore. . . (Elsewhere, Amy and Mina wake up in the same bed, in much the same position that Serena and Reenie often take up when they're sleeping in the same bed. Mina takes one look at Amy and starts screaming) MINA: AAAUUGGHH! It's finally happened! I'm actually *in* a Hentai Otaku fanfic! A Negacreep is going to come in any second and start tearing our clothes off. . . AMY: Mina! Mina! Get ahold of yourself! There's no Negacreeps and no Generals! And you're not in a lesbian lemon! MINA: No tentacles either? AMY: No. MINA: Then where the hell are we? AMY: I wish I knew. Finally, all of the Sailor Scouts and Darien assembled in what they figured was the main room of. . . wherever they were. Suddenly, the TV screen in front of them lit up and they saw a slightly-crazed-looking man appear in front of them. DR. FORRESTER: Good morning, my new specimens. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and I'm your host for however long I choose to keep you here. Thanks to the powers that Queen Beryl gave me, I can nullify your fun little 'Sailor Teleport' power and keep you on the Satellite of Love for as long as I want. SERENA: You'll never get away with this! DR. FORRESTER: I think I already have, Ms. Tsukino. Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you. . . physically. You are going to be subjected to the worst Sailor Moon fanfiction ever written. . . MINA: I don't suppose we can convince you to show us old sci-fi "B" movies instead. DR. FORRESTER: No, I'm doing that to another set of twits in the *other* Satellite of Love. Your fate shall be different. FRANK: You. . .are all. . .going. . .to die! Hee hee hee. . . FORRESTER: Frank! Shut up, or it will be painful. The clamps, Frank. The clamps. . .Anyway, my little Moonie loonie, you are not ONLY going to be subjected to the worst Sailor Moon fanfics ever written, you will be subjected to one of the worst Sailor Moon lemons ever written. . ." SERENA: If he shows us "Oceanus," I'm going to punish him. . . DARIEN: *You're* going to punish him? SERENA: WE'RE going to punish him. Remember - you weren't the only one who got horrendously abused in that one. MINA: I'd say you can count us all in. And then we're going to take out our remaining frustrations on the *author* of that wormy apple. DR. FORRESTER: Interesting though that might be, I think I'll skip on it for now. Perhaps later. No, this little pile of putrescent filth is written by the "Crystal Knight," and entitled, "Sailor Moon:Fantasy!" I'm a naughty boy, naughty naughty naughty!!! Now I'm going to send it to you, and, oh, before I do, have you all. . . ALL SCOUTS: Yeah, we have. DR. FORRESTER: Good. Send them the lemon, Frank. FRANK: Live to serve. SERENA: AAUGH!! WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIGNN!! <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> >Sailor Moon:Fantasy! [Hentai] SERENA: Do you think this will be anything like Fantasy Island? RAYE: Do you *really* want to see a lot of washed-up B-movie actors doing hentai scenes? LITA (as Mr. Roarke): Charo's fantasy is to get hot and heavy with William Shatner. . . ALL: EEEWWWW! >Episode:01 >"Serenity Get's Married!" >By the "Crystal Knight!" MINA: It can't be any worse than Costner's last flick. SERENA: Care to stake your life on that, Mina-chan? >Recommended for those 18 and over. SERENA: So why do we have to watch it? >Note: This Sailor Moon Fan Fiction Takes place >just after Sailor Moon:R! AMY: So why is Serena getting married in it? She's only 15 after Sailor Moon R. MINA: And what's with all the exclamation points? >All the Characters from the DIC version of Sailor >Moon will be used except Serena. DARIEN: Proving that this author is a DIC-weed. >Instead, Serenity will be used. This Fan >Fiction contain words RAYE (sarcastic): No! I thought it would be done as a rebus! SERENA: At least *that* would make some kind of sense. . . >and descriptions of nudity. AMY: I suppose it's too much to ask that this fanfic will contain any form of logic? >Read at your own Risk! LITA: Warning: Prolonged exposure to this fanfic may cause nausea, vomiting, and a nasty rash! MINA: Well, we already knew that - if it was good, would Forrester be sending it to us? Now >on to the >Story! > ~~~EPISODE:01 "Serenity Gets Married!"~~~ DARIEN: Author loses memory of all punctuation marks except exclamation points! > Serenity woke up at 8:30 am. I was saturday. MINA: It wasn't the first time I had thought I was a day of the week, and I knew it wouldn't be the last time. . . >When Serenity woke up, she was >not wearing anything. Her Panties were on the floor along with her Bra and >the other clothes. AMY: What's with the capitalization of Serena's clothes? > Serenity went to the dresser drawer and opened one of the >drawers. Inside were a bunch of panties. There was many to choose from. LITA: Unfortunately, there was one pair missing, because Sammy had stolen it. . . RAYE: Eeeww! *Please,* can we have *no more* "Virgin Warrior" flashbacks! She >saw a pair of satin panties that had Rabbits and Moons. She got the pair out >and slowly put them on. Then she put a bra on. She got one of her many bunny >tee shirts. Then she got several pairs of shorts out. Serenity put one pair >on. The others she put in her book bag. She also did the same >for several pairs of panties. Now she put on some socks and shoes on and went >down stairs. DARIEN: No one will be seated during the suspenseful dressing and packing scene! Her mother greeted her daughter. >Mrs. Tsukino: "Hello, Serenity good morning! happy birthday!" SERENA: So now, even my *mom's* calling me Serenity!? Geez. MINA: It's a bad lemon, Serena. Just go with it. >Serenity: Thanks mom. That reminds me. I have to go to the temple today. >Serenity grabs >a piece of toast and ran out the door with her book bag. RAYE: Pick a tense and stay with it, Crystal Knight! She ran to the >temple all the way. Once she got there the others was waiting. Raye >spoke up. RAYE: "This fic sucks like an Electrolux," Raye said. MINA: Yeah, and it does the Hoover hum. >Raye: Good morning Serenity! Happy birthday. >Amy: Happy birthday! >Lita: Happy birthday Serenity! >Mina: Happy birthday, Princess! >Serenity: Thanks guys. Were's Darien? DARIEN: I *were* trying to avoid appearing in this literary train wreck. >Raye: "He had to go out of town for a few days, but he wanted to tell you >happy birthday." Serenity looked down. Serenity just sat there on the steps >of the temple and looked depressed. LITA (as Serena): Oh, poop! Another lousy author! Sexylyon, wherefore art thou? >A couple of hours passed and Suddenly for no reason, Serenity stood up. Her >body tensed tightly. She felt him coming. LITA: Whoa! Lemon already? Didn't we skip over something? MINA: I sure hope he cleans it up. >Serenity: "Why didn't you tell me he was coming?" Raye and the others were >surprised. >Serenity: "Shit! I pissed all over myself again!" MINA: You *swore,* Serena!? SERENA: Apparently, this Crystal Knight character is taking the 'Sailor' part of 'Sailor Moon' seriously. >Lita: "You should have gone to the bathroom and peed there insted of all over >yourself." >Serenity: "I could help my self. SERENA: . . .but I'm not going to. >I had no control over my body. It seems when >Darien draws closer my body tenses tightly. I pee all over myself. (ALL laugh) DARIEN: That would make for some embarrassing situations when fighting youma. RAYE: She's Stan from South Park! SERENA: (as Stan) Cartman, quit fartin' fire! >I get >sweaty. My heart pumps faster. My blood pressure rises. My pussy cums all >over my panties. LITA: (as Serena) Oh, Tuxedo Mask, you came! And so did I! MINA: How many of you saw that coming? ALL: Right here. >It's like my body responds to his appearance. And it is >doing just that now." Raye and the others were shocked. Serenity shorts was >wet at the crotch. She was still cuming and peeing all over herself. SERENA: (as herself, in the fanfic) This is *so* embarrassing. Every time he comes around, so do I! MINA: What goes around comes around. SERENA: What punnishment. . . >She was >also nervous. Darien finally showed up. Serenity's body throbbed at Darien's >arrival. She was happy to see him. Serenity couldn't move. She just stood >there frozen, and just smiling ather prince. RAYE: Ather? Now he's just making up words as he goes along! >Darien: "Happy Birthday sweetheart! My beloved >Meatball head!" Darien had two gifts in his hands. DARIEN: A gun and a hand grenade, for her to use on Crystal Knight. SERENA: Oh, Darien, you always know the perfect birthday presents! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Get a room! SERENA and DARIEN: This *IS* a room! >Serenity answered back. >Serenity: "Hello Muffin! Thank you!" Serenity was still in excitement, but >she was slowly returning to normal. >Darien: "Serenity, why are you shorts wet?" SERENA: What're you doing, Amy? AMY: Writing down all the inconsistencies with human anatomy and physiological responses for later reference. MINA: Wow, that'll be a *long* list from just what we've seen so far. AMY: Mmm-hmm. I hope I don't get writer's cramp. >Serenity: "I will talk to you about it later. Raye can I change in your >bathroom?" SERENA: I want to change for an author that occasionally makes sense. >Raye: "yes, go ahead. Lita go with Serenity and help her get cleaned up, >please?" LITA: If this turns into a lesbian lemon, I say we trash the theater. SERENA: I'm with that. >Lita: "Sure. come on Serenity." Lita and Serenity >go into the restroom. Serenity took off her shoes and her shorts. Then she >took off her panties which were completely soaked with Serenity's Cum juices. >Lita took the soaked panties and felt them. They were totally sticky. LITA: That's it. JUPITER THUNDER. . .CRASH! (Nothing happens) The hell? VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Oh, I forgot to tell you. *None* of your Scout powers will work in the theater. Have a nice day. LITA: You will PAY for this, you little toad. When we get out of this, we're going to capture you, hog-tie you, and force you to read the complete works of Oscar! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Been there. Done that. >Lita: "I don't understand why your body would lose control like that." >Serenity: "It's like my body is reacting by causing those strange impulses. MINA: (as Serena) It's like the author is reacting to some strange impulses. >It does feel good to me." >Lita: "How many pairs of shorts and panties do you go through in a day?" Lita >asked another question as she washed off Serenity's golden blond pubic hair >around her clit. RAYE: As opposed to the pubic hair growing on her elbows. . . >Serenity: "It depends on how many times Darien and I meet. The more we meet, >the more I have to change." Serenity was totally cleaned up. Serenity then >put a new pair of panties and another pair of shorts. Serenity then put her >shoes back on. RAYE: Serenity then went postal, grabbing a gun and mowing down everyone in the temple. DARIEN: Little dark today, Raye? SERENA: Why yes, Muffin - didn't you look out the window? Lita and Serenity went outside. >Darien: "Are you okay sweetheart?" >Serenity: "Yes, I am fine." >Darien: "Here Serenity. Happy birthday!" Darien handed his two gifts. One was >large the other real small. Serenity open the large gift first. Serenity >opened it. DARIEN: Brought to you by the department of redundancy department. It was Several books about famous Princesses throughout history. >Serenity >then opened the small box. Inside was a littler box that came open. Inside >was a wedding ring. >Serenity: "A wedding ring?" Serenity was surprised. >Darien: "Yes, a wedding ring. Your father felt that >it was time that you were old enough to marry. ALL SCOUTS, DARIEN: NANI!?!!? MINA: That's news to me - last I saw he nearly went ballistic just for Serena telling him that Darien was her boyfriend! SERENA: Don't remind me. . . AMY: Plus, she's not even old enough to get married *with* parental consent in most places. >So that is his gift to you is >that we can get married." Darien takes the box that has the wedding ring and >Darien also takes Serenity's left hand and proposes to her. >Darien: "Serenity, my Princess, will you marry me?" Serenity didn't have to >think. She spoke up. RAYE: (as Serena) GET ME OUT OF HERE! LET ME OUT OF THIS FANFIC! I WANT MY LAWYER! SERENA: Never let him see you sweat, Raye - that's what he wants. >Serenity: "Yes, I will marry you! I love you!" Darien then puts the ring on >her left hand. >Darien: "The Marrage will take place tomarrow at 5:00 pm. Let's go. Your MINA: If it's a marrage, than what's real in this world? SERENA: The entire world is a mirage! >father said you can go ahead and move in with me." MINA: We'll get married in a nice little town in the U.S. called Las Vegas. SERENA: Viva Las Vegas! >Serenity: "Okay lets go." Darien opened the car door for his bride to be. >Then he gets it and they take off for Serenity's home. MINA: But when they got there, everyone was dead - OH, the HUMANITY!!! AMY: That's another fanfic, Mina. >Once there, Darien and Serenity moves all her stuff out of her room and >loads it into his car. Once they had all the stuff, they take off for >Darien's apartment. One there, they unload everything and Serenity puts all >the clothes away in her dresser drawer which was moved eariler by Darien and >Mr. Tsukino. After they were done Darien made dinner for his Princess. >The ate by candle light, which she loved. LITA: The *what* ate by candlelight? HELLO? We have a MISSING WORD HERE! RAYE: It's just a bad lemon. You should really just relax. . . After dinner, they sat together on >the couch. For a while, they just stayed close. Then Serenity got up and >spoke to Darien. >Serenity: "Darien, please love me." >Darien: "I already been loving you." AMY: (as Darien) It wasn't the first time I had thought I was an action, nor would it be the last. . . >Serenity: "That's not what I meant. I meant that my body must be loved and >played with. take off MINA: (as Serena) . . .and never come back!! SERENA: I'd love to tell this author to do *exactly* that. . . >my clothes and she what treasures await beneath my clothes. DARIEN: (as Ron Roddy) It's a NEW CAR! (All imitate cheering noises) >You must love me >emotionally and sexually. It's what I need." Darien got up and lead her to >their bedroom. There was a larger bed that replace Darien's old bed. >Darien: "Sure, I will love all of you." RAYE (dumb voice): I will hug her and kiss her and call her George. Darien reaches down and unties >Serenity's shoes and also takes off her socks. DARIEN: What is this with the author's obsession with shoes and socks? SERENA: Probably the same as your obsession with. . . never mind. >Then he goes up and startsto >take off her shirt. Serenity lifts up her arms, so her shirt will come off >easier. Darien then moves for her bra. It unsnapps her bra. DARIEN: It? I'm an *it*? Who do you think I am, Oscar? SERENA: (breathlessly) No, my *bra* unsnaps my bra. See, this author created the Magical Undressing Underwear and. . . MINA: Give it a rest, Serena. Serenity's >breasts flop out of her bra as Darien >takes Serenity's bra off. SERENA: Darien, what are you doing wearing my underwear? RAYE: This author has just managed to use the word 'bra' more times in one paragraph that in the entire Victoria's Secret catalogue. Serenity's breasts were >the size of small apples. AMY: The small apples. . . No, I can't finish that one. OTHERS: Thank you. >Her breasts were nice, firm and round. Serenity's >nipples were hard. Darien then moved down for Serenity's shorts. He unsnapped >her shorts and unzipped them. He lowered her shorts until they hit the floor. >For the first time, Darien had seen Serenity's panties. SERENA: Can we say, *lots* of redundancy here? MINA: (quoting Dragonlance 1st edition) 'And here we have the signal bell which alerts the operator that the engine overload siren has activated.' >Serenity: "Do you like my panties?" >Darien: "Yes, I do." Darien then took his hand down the front of her panties. >Serenity oohed and aahed has he rubbed her pubic hair. Darien >then took both of his hands and got ahold of the strings of Serenity's bikini >panties and started to slowly and gently pull down her panties. He noticed >her pubic hair was exposed ans AMY: But the question was still a mystery, so exposing the ans had no real effect. SERENA: That was weak, Amy. AMY: But we'd gone six lines without a good riff. >he slowly lowered her panties. He briefly >stopped to look at the crotchliner area of Serenity's panties. >He felt of them. They were wet in the crotch area. >Then he continued to lower her panties. RAYE: It has now taken him about FIVE HOURS just to take her panties off, folks. SERENA: Make that ten lines without a good riff, Amy. >Her panties were not around her knees >all curled up. LITA: They were hanging over the bar at Hogs 'n' Heifers. >Darien felt the satin panties he had taken off of her. Darien continued to >pull down Serenity's panties until they reached her ankles. Then he lifted >vher feet and took off her panties completely. RAYE: Twelve hours later. . . >She looked down at her >nakedness >and was happy. She wasn't embarrased that he took off her clothes. MINA: She was embarrassed by the clumsy prose and unromantic, third-grade mentality of the author. >Serenity: "Do you like what you see? Is my body pleasing to you?" >Darien: "Yes, very much." Darien then put Serenity on their new bed and he >looked at her Pubic hair. It was golden blond just like Serenity's hair on >her head. He started rubbing her golden pubic hair. SERENA: (as an Orc in Warcraft II): I would not do such things if I were you. . . My tummy feels funny. . . 'Scuse me. MINA: Good reverb. I'll give it an 8. >Her pussy lips were >swolen shut. >He gently opened her pussy lips until he could get his fingers >into her clit. DARIEN: I think it's pretty safe to assume that our author has never been with a woman. RAYE: I think it's pretty safe to assume that our author has never even *seen* a woman. He thwn took off his clothes LITA: I'll buy a vowel, Pat. >and got on top of her. He rubbed >his penis on her clit. She moaned for >joy as he rubbed her fragile pussy. RAYE: Her private parts are made of glass! He then entered his penis into her >vaginia and began to move his penis in and out of the her vaginia. AMY: (dead-on impersonation of Forrest Gump) Ah think Ah know someone from Vaginia. MINA: Good impression, Aims. SERENA: And this author continues to demonstrate the sexual knowledge of a fifth-grader. >Serenity >continued to moan with excitement was he increased in speed and motion. AMY: Redundancy, thy name is Crystal Knight. SERENA: How many riffs are we going to get on this author's lousy prose? MINA: We're going to keep on doing it long after it ceases being funny. SERENA: Good. Glad to hear we're on the same wavelength. >Serenity: "Please don't stop, love me more!" MINA: (as Serena) I'm paying you by the hour, dammit! >Serenity moaned with happiness >as he was fucking her. Serenity's clit and vaginia became to ooze out her >natural love juices DARIEN: As opposed to the love juices with preservatives and additives > in response to >the wonderful feeling. For a couple of hours had passed since he started SERENA: Hmmmm. . . DARIEN: Oh, God. . . >fucking her. MINA: What I want to know is, does anybody know a *less* romantic synonym for sex? LITA: Shagging? Schtupping? > She was very excited. She was hot. He began to rub Serenity's >breasts. She increased her moaning in >response to her excitement. Finally he had stopped. MINA: WHAT!? That's it!? They just stopped? AMY: Clearly, this author has no familiarity with human anatomy whatsoever. SERENA: Either that or he's a flametroller and he wants to see how many people he can offend. OTHERS: He's succeeding. >He got up and started to >stroke the hair on her head as she was returning to normal. Serenity got up >from the bed and moved towards >the bathroom. She got cleaned up. Darien did the same. AMY: As opposed to getting even dirtier. >Afterwards they >decided to go to bed. >Serenity slept in the nude again as she always did. SERENA: Ah, guys, last time we had a sleepover, what was I wearing? MINA: Your bunny pajamas, same as every time we have a sleepover. SERENA: Thought so. >Darien was surprised that >Serenity slept nude. He always did the same every night. Serenity fell asleep >with her pubic hair touching >Darien's butt. LITA: And the rest of her body in the kitchen. >She remained like that for the rest of the night. SERENA: And then she left and never looked back. AMY: Unlike us, who are being forced to stay in this fanfic, like it or not. > The next morning Darien had woken up. Serenity was up in her panties that >Darien had removed the night before and she made some breakfast that she had >learned in school. RAYE: She passed cereal pouring and milk-carton opening. Unfortunately, she flunked toast-making big-time. SERENA: Don't even *think* it, pyro. . . >He got up and put on his underwear and had found her in >the kitchen. LITA: (as Darien) My underwear is female, and I keep it in my bread drawer. Serenity had no bra on yet. Finally the breakfast was done and >They ate together, side by side. After wards they went back to the bedroom >and Serenity took off her panties that she worn the day before. She spoke up. RAYE (as Serena): Will you please kill me now? I can't stand the agony of being in this fic a second longer. >Serenity: "Will you pick out the clothes that you want me to wear for the day >and dress me?" SERENA: On second thought, I'm fifteen years old, I'll dress myself. >It was an unusual request, but he did it. He looked in her drawers and found >matching pink panties and bra set. He got a pink dress from the >closet. From a drawer he also got a long slip. SERENA (hopeful): Is it a pink slip!? Can I get out of this fanfic now? >Darien also got Knee highs and >put them on her first. Next, he put on her bra. Then he put on her >silk pink panties on her. Then he put her slip on her. LITA: Oh, the suspense! Oh, the tension! My God, I'm at the edge of my seat waiting to see how this scene ends! >Then he helped her get >into her dress. He zipped it up. He then put some pink high heels on her >feet. SERENA: What's with all this pink? I want to be married in white! Amy, do me a favor and write this down so Darien's got notes on what not to do at our wedding. >He gently twirled her around. He took her to a mirror and showed her. >Darien: "How do you look?" RAYE (as Serena): Like a goddamn Barbie doll. Now clear out of the way and let me dress myself like a human being! >Serenity: "Like your bride to be!" Darien hten got dressed and the left for >the place of the wedding. > For hours they prepared. Finally Serenity had to prepare for the wedding. RAYE: So what were they preparing before? Chocolate chip cookies? >Serenity put on her wedding dress which was her Moon Princess dress. Soon Her LITA: Apparently, Serena has now become a deity. SERENA: Haven't you ever been to the Church of Tsukino Usagi website? >father escorted her down the center of the church. Soon the two were side by >side. >Minister: "Do you Darien Chiba take Serenity Tsukino to be your lawful wedded >wife? To cherrish and to hold in sickness and in health LITA: And crummy fanfics as long the two of >you shall live and death do you part?" >Darien: "I do." >The Minster asked the same to Serenity. She answered. >Serenity: "Yes, I do!" SERENA: Finally, something in this fic that isn't totally off-the-wall. >Minster: "With the power of the goverenmet of Japan, AMY: (as Darth Vader) Do not underestimate the power of the goverenmet of Japan. MINA: (as Luke Skywalker) I'll never join you!!!! >I now declair you Mr. >and Mrs. Chiba. You may kiss the bride. Darien lifted up serenity's veil and >kissed her. Then they moved together outside as seeds and rice were scattered >by every body. Serenity and Darien both laughed. MINA: . . .Maniacally as they pulled out submachine guns and shot the author so full of holes that he won the next Mr. Swiss Cheese competition! SERENA: (as Lo Wang) Everybody dead. I like that. AMY: Did you notice something missing on that statement? SERENA: An ending quotation mark? MINA: A quarter-ounce of sense? >Now was time for the reception. SERENA: Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. >NEXT EPISODE: "Serenity's Wedding reception!" ALL SCOUTS: "There's more!?" >Completed: 11/06/97. SERENA: "Oh, good - let's get out of here." SERENA: November Sixth, a day that will live in infamy. . . SERENA: Not *that* bad so far. SERENA: (sweatdrops) What? What'd I say? I just meant that even though it's wretched, hideous and lacks any redeeming social value, at least none of us has been tentacle-raped or something really stupid like that. I still wish we could use our powers, so we could get out of here. AMY: (thoughtful) Dr. Forrester mentioned that there was another Satellite of Love. I wonder if we could get into contact with them and maybe pool our efforts to get out of this situation. (begins to type on her minicomputer) DARIEN: (groans) I had the most horrible dream. . . I dreamed that a bad lemon author did a travesty about our wedding. SERENA: Hate to tell you, Muffin, but it's not a dream. Hey, Amy, while you're on-line, can you tell me who else has done a fanfiction about our wedding? AMY: When are we getting married? (SERENA looks at her, horrified) AMY: Sorry, reflex. No, seriously, there's "Celebration" by Chris Davies, "Tsukino en Requiem" by Scott Weisenmeyer, "Usagi and Mamoru's Love: Blossomings" by Lianne Sentar, "Blush" by Kawaii Tenshi, "Family Ties," also by Kawaii Tenshi, and "The Wedding" by Mark Berger. SERENA: Why two different stories by Tenshi? AMY: Because the first one is a lemon. Don't worry, though, it's not a bad one. Ooh, read this one . MINA: A bad story!? From Tenshi? I should hope NOT. AMY: Pandora Diane Waldron should do one. MINA: A wedding story or a lemon? AMY: Both. She's one of those writers who, if she chose to do one, could potentially elevate the lemon to art. DARIEN: Well, chances are she'll do a wedding story as part of "The Rose Garden." SERENA: I can only hope. I *LOVE* "The Rose Garden," it's so romantic. . . RAYE: Now what are we going to do about this Forrester character? (Flashing lights, buzzers, etc.) SERENA: We'll have to figure that out later, because WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIGN!!! <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> >Sailor Moon:Fantasy! [Hentai] >Episode:02 >"Serenity's Wedding Reception!" >By the "Crystal Knight!" SERENA: . . . The Ed Wood of bad lemons. MINA: No, wait a second, that 'honor' goes to Hentai Otaku. >Recommend for those 18 and over. >Note:This fan Fiction contains words LITA: Most of which make no damn sense >and descriptions of Nudity. SERENA: None of which make any damn sense. >Read at your >own risk! Now on to the story! SERENA: Must we? DARIEN: Once more into the breach, my love. > ~~~Episode:02 "Serenity's Wedding Reception!"~~~ > Darien and his bride Serenity. They had just gotten married. SERENA: And if this fic were any good, that would be cause for celebration. >They were now >at the reception hall. Serenity's mom and dad >were there. Serenity's mom had tears in her eyes. RAYE: (as Mrs. Tsukino) How dare this author abuse my daughter like this! >Sammy was there too. Sammy >couldn't believe that his sister had grown up a lot. >Sammy: "You have grown up Serenity." >Serenity: "Thanks." MINA (as Serena): Now give me back my. . . SERENA and RAYE: NO MORE VIRGIN WARRIOR FLASHBACKS!!! >Raye: "I am happy for you. Darien I ask you to love and take care of her." >Darien: "I already have." Darien looks at his bride and smiles. Serenity knew >what he had said to Raye. MINA: And she couldn't wait to kick him in the teeth for it. >Next Darien and Serenity open all the gifts they >were given to them. Most of the gifts were things that they would need. DARIEN: The rest were gift certificates to the Sharper Image. SERENA: Toaster. . . Toaster. . . Oh, look honey, just what we need - another toaster! >Next >the wedding cake was cut. The cake was made of chocolate With Yellow >frosting. MINA: It's new, improved With Yellow frosting. Look for it in your grocer's freezer. RAYE: Unfortunately, someone had impregnated it with anthrax. . . SERENA: Wishful thinking, Raye? >Afterwards Darien and Serenity was given passes to a resort from >Serenity's parents. They had saved money to give their daughter a nice >honeymoon. After that Darien and Serenity went to Raye's temple. Raye took >Serenity into the other room. LITA: And said, "How dare you marry him? What about all the passionate nights that you and I OOOOOWWWWW!" (Raye has Lita's ponytail in both hands and is yanking it) RAYE: And if you *ever* make a remark like that again, I will *cement* your ponytail to the floor. >Raye: "What did Darien mean eariler about he has already taken care of you?" >Serenity: "Last night he took off my clothes." >Raye: "Did he take off your panties and bra too?" >Serenity: "Yes." >Raye: "Did he have sex with you?" >Serenity: "Yes." >Raye: "Did it feel good?" >Serenity: "Yes it did." DARIEN: Penetrating, insightful interviews with today's top newsmakers! It's "Larry King Live," on CNN! RAYE: Am I being made to look like an idiot? Yes. Am I pissed off? Yes. >Raye: "Maybe Me and chad should have sex together. SERENA (as Raye): As opposed to having sex in separate rooms, like we usually do. >He does love me. He told >me himself." MINA: All right, bucko, this one's gone far enough! VENUS STAR POWER!! (nothing happens) Oh, yeah. Can't use our powers in the theater. Jerk. VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: It was a nice try, though. I'll give you an 'A' for effort. MINA: You'll pay for this, you lab-coated weasel. We're going to capture you, strap you to a chair and force you to read the complete anti-fics of Nav. VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Been there. Done that. >Serenity: "Maybe you should. Let's re-join the others." >Raye and Serenity rejoin the others. Luna and Artemis both waved goodbye to >the Princess. LITA: They were off to go co-star in the latest Oscar epic. SERENA: (as Luna) Well, we got out of this fanfic just as quickly as we came in. MINA: (as Artemis) But how are we waving to them - we're cats! >Darien picked up his bride gently and set her in the right >front passinger's side of his car. RAYE: As opposed to the left rear passenger seat of his car. SERENA: Hey, waitasec - this is Japan, shouldn't the *left* front be the passenger side? >Darien and Serenity waved good bye. A >couple of hours later Darien and Serenity checked into the hotel of the >resort. MINA: If it's like everything else in this fanfic, it's the hotel of *last* resort. >Darien and Serenity were shown to their room. Their suit cases were brought >up. Darien gave the bellhop a 10 dollar tip. LITA (as Darien): Put this on Small Wonder in the 10th race. AMY (as bellhop, under breath): Cheapskate. >Bellhop: "Thanks. Good day to you both!" >Darien shuts the door. Serenity speaks up. DARIEN: I think we've just reached a milestone. That may very well be the 100th time our author has used the phrase "Serenity speaks up." SERENA: He wins. . . a Moon Scepter Elimination where the sun don't shine! >Serenity: "I am going to take off this wedding dress!" Serenity >takes off her dress and her slip. Then only things that were left on her was SERENA: (as dying diner guy in Spaceballs) Oh no. . . not again. AMY: (as Lamika in Vampire Hunter D) Kill me, kill me now! MINA: You did NOT have to remind me of "Sailor Moon V." Some of that story was good, but I would NEVER let my curiosity run away with me to that kind of extent. AMY, RAYE, LITA: Did you *have* to remind me?. . . AMY: I don't think I'll ever look at Vampire Hunter D the same way ever again. Which is a shame - that really was my favorite movie. >her panties, her bra, her knee highs and her High heel shoes. RAYE: And her tattoos and nipple rings. >She then puts >on the dress that Darien had put on her. She then sat on the bed. She opened >her legs wide so Darien would notice her panties. She sat there for a long >while just doing that. Darien asks her a question. LITA: (Tough cop voice) Where were you on the night of August 12? >Darien: "Yesterday, when you wet yourself, how did you know >I was coming to Raye's temple?" DARIEN: Here we go again. Brace for impact, girls. >Serenity: "Well I started to tense up. I started peeing in my shorts and >panties uncontrolibly. I started to sweat. My heart started to beat faster. SERENA: No, actually that was what the author was doing. DARIEN: How do you really know whenever I'm coming? SERENA: (in a tone that suggests beautiful danger) I'll explain that later, Muffin. OTHERS: GET A ROOM! >My blood pressure went up. And my pussy cummed all over my panties. My body >throbbed as you >approached. Even my pussy was trobbing, SERENA: I'd like to borrow Corinn's Space Sword and 'trob' this loser's head off. VOICE OF SAILOR URANUS: I'll gladly lend it to you for such a noble purpose. >giving off a sensation that I >couldn't control. SERENA: Because the author's controlling it, and he thinks it's cool to make me look like a pathetic little freak who can't control her own bodily functions. >I was also nervous. It's like my body was responding to >your arrival." AMY: The recap, for those of us with the sense or the freedom of choice to skip the prologue. >Darien: "Can I test you?" SERENA: NO! I *hate* tests! >Serenity: "Sure, let me put some jeans on." Serenity took off her dress and >put on a pair of chic jeans. She zips them up. >Serenity: "Go somewhere. Don't tell me when you return. Be gone for about an >hour or so." MINA (as Serena): That should give me enough time to get packed and get out of this lousy fanfic. >Darien: "Okay, bye sweetheart." Darien kisses his wife goodbye. Serenity >decided to relax for the time being. Darien had gone out and purchased >something for his wife. He started to return. Serenity then suddenly jolted >up and her body began tense up. She then pees uncontrolibly. MINA: You know, that part *really* could be avoided just by using the can. SERENA: The author already discarded that possibility way back up there. I guess he's got some kind of urination fetish. >Serenity >starts to sweat. Serenity takes off her bra. Her breasts were firmed up. Her >nipples had gotten hard. Her heart starts to beat faster. Her blood pressure >rises. Serenity's pussy begins >to cum all over her panties. Her whole body throbs. Even her pussy throbs >causing a wonderful sensation. RAYE: Do we HAVE to go through this full description EVERY SINGLE TIME? We've already established a LONG TIME AGO that she has as much control over her bodily functions as a six-month-old. SERENA: If that. >She moans due to the reaction of her body. >Darien opens the door. >Darien: "I have returned!" LITA: He's General MacArthur! Serenity couldn't answer. Her body had taken >control. >Darien: "So it is true what you said." DARIEN: Stove Top Stuffing really *is* much better than potatoes! He notices the crotch of >her jeans has a larger wet spot on them. Even larger than before. >Darien: "May I unzip your pants and take a look at your pussy?" LITA: President Clinton interviews a potential intern. Serenity nods >her head. He unzips her jeans and unsnaps them. he lowers them to her knees. >Then he grabs the sides of her panties and pulls them down to her knees. he >feels her panties. He even felt the crotchliner. It was even more stickier >there than any where else on her panties. He looks at her pussy. Her pussy MINA: AARGH!! Doesn't this geek know *any* other synonyms for that!? SERENA: The scary part is, he might not. >still oozing cum out. The lips of >her clit were swolen and were twitching. SERENA: (slumps against Darien in pain as he holds and comforts her) No. . . Why me? Why this fic? I wanna go home. DARIEN: Don't worry, honey. It can't go on much longer. It'll only be a certain amount of time before this loser's brain implodes. >He felt the pubic hair of her pussy. AMY: Why does this freak seem to think that pubic hair grows anywhere else!? >It was very sticky. Serenity snaps out of it. >Serenity: "See what I mean. My body took over. What do you >think Darien? is it kinda strange that my body reacts like that?" RAYE (as Darien): Yes. You're a total freak. Get out of my life. >Darien: "No, I think it's a natural reaction. SERENA: I think it's an author reaction to the fact that he can't write worth crap. >I think your body was just >showing that to me that you love me. How did the reaction feel?" SERENA: Let's see, I pissed myself, so. . . Not that great. >Serenity: "It felt good. I want to take a bath. Want to join me? Will you >pull my panties up for me and take off my jeans?" >Darien: "Sure." Darien takes off her jeans. He then softly swats Serenity's >butt as a form of affection to her. DARIEN: What, now I'm Mickey Roarke in "9 1/2 Weeks"? >Then he pulls her to his arms. His naked >wife embraces him. He hugs her. He then pulls her panties back up. He follows >her to the bathroom where he brings the items that he bought for her. LITA: Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves. . . RAYE: And an author whose brain is age three! >Serenity then takes off her panties and steps in the spa which was already >running. Darien then takes his clothes off and gets in the spa and sits next >to her. DARIEN: Given that the spa is about two feet wide, where else is there to sit?. . .Are you okay, Meatball Head? You're starting to look a little greenish. SERENA: I think I'm going to be sick. . . >Serenity: "Do you love me?" Serenity turned to her husband, her eyes sparkled >when she asked that question. RAYE: (as Darien in the fic) Well, let's see, I've put up with you peeing on yourself every time I come around, I dress and undress you like a Barbie doll, I just smile and nod when you say incredibly stupid things, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK? >Darien: "Yes, I do." SERENA: (pulls away from Darien and clutches stomach) Ohh, I really *am* going to be sick. . . >Serenity: "Thanks. Love and play with my body which belongs >to you." SERENA: (frantic) Airsick bag!? Airsick bag!!? VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Right next to your seat. SERENA: Thank you. (pukes into bag) DARIEN: You'll pay for this, you wire-haired slug. We're going to capture you, hold you at gunpoint, and force you to read lemons about Totoro! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Been there. Done that. >Darien: "Anything to keep my Princess happy." ALL (leaving theater): Will you get us out of here? <2> <3> <4> SERENA walks in from the bathroom, much cleaner than when she went in there. With a scared look on her face, she sinks into Darien's arms. SERENA: I don't want to go back in there. It's just too horrible. DARIEN: Look on the bright side, Serena. At least they didn't force us to watch anything by Oscar. Luna: You didn't have to remind me, Darien. I was just starting to get over the nightmares "Black Day" caused me. SERENA: If and when we get our hands on Crystal Knight, I swear I'm going to shove the Moon Rapier up his sorry sphincter and turn it on full blast. RAYE: The Moon *RAPIER*? SERENA: Amy, show Raye "Married Life." Make sure she sees Chapter 5. AMY: Here you go, Raye. (hands over her minicomputer) RAYE: Thanks, Amy. (reads for a few minutes) YEAH! Now that's what I call a COOL execution! 'Mars Flame Engulf!' That's the way to go. AMY: If only I really had that Mercury Shattering Freeze power. I'd show that Crystal Knight character a thing or three. MINA: I'd like to show that Nega-twit who calls himself "Crystal Knight" a few tricks with my chain that would make the Marquis de Sade shake in his boots. SERENA: So we're all in agreement that this Crystal Knight character has to go? ALL: YEAH! SERENA: Okay, let's break out the blunt instruments. (opens her HammerSpace and begins pulling out objects: the Crescent Moon Wand, the Heart Moon Rod, the Kaleid Moon Scope, the Eternal Moon Tier and the Silver Moon Tier) Okay, Raye gets the Wand, Amy gets the rod, Mina gets the Eternal Tier, Lita gets the Silver Tier. MINA: And what do you get, Serena? SERENA: (pulls the Rapier from her HammerSpace, makes three experimental slicing motions with it) This. LITA: Let's trash that theater! ALL: YEAH! FORRESTER: Ah ah aahh! (removes the weapons from existence) You all get the shaft! SERENA: WHAT!? FORRESTER: Don't worry, they're all in safe keeping, nobody will harm your precious toys. NOW BACK IN THAT THEATER!! DOUBLE-TIME!! ALL: AAUGH!! WE'VE GOT LEMON-SIGN!!! <4> <3> <2> MINA: Damn you, Forrester. . . >Serenity allowed him to touch >anywhere on her body. Including her breasts and pussy. Her private parts she >allowed him to touch. AMY: I think we've well established that this guy likes to say the same thing over and over. SERENA: And that he's redundant. >She belonged to him. Serenity was in her Prince's >protection, plus he loved her. Her body also belonged to him, >since he had protected her and her body many times in both >lifetimes. He puts his hand down under the water and feels the wet golden >blond pubic hair which was soft. MINA: Wanna buy a comma, Crystal Knight? SERENA: Better yet, here's a quarter - go buy a clue. DARIEN: She doesn't 'belong' to me! We LOVE each other! >Since the water was swirling, Serenity's >pubic hair flowed in the water like sea >grass. >Darien: "Your pubic hair of your pussy feels so soft." SERENA: As opposed to. . .? Where else is pubic hair supposed to grow? LITA: ENOUGH with the damn pubic hair already! There isn't as much pubic hair on display in 10 year's worth of "Hustler" as there is in this fic! >Serenity: "Do you like what you're feeling?" >Darien: "Yes, it feels very good. You know what?" >Serenity: "What?" >Darien: "You look best when you have no clothes on and you're naked. AMY: In the last fifteen lines, he's repeated himself six times. >You have >a beautiful body Serenity!" MINA: Make that seven times in seventeen. >Serenity: "Thank you." >Darien: "I think your pussy is the most beautiful part of your body. It makes >you more feminine. (All groan) RAYE: You were feminine enough when you were neuter, but now that you've developed female sex organs - WOW! DARIEN: Oh, God, please tell me this isn't happening. Please tell me this is another one of my nightmares. ALL SCOUTS: Don't I *just* wish. I think you look great in your panties and lingerie when >your pussy is covered with them. It only increases your femininity even more. >I love you very much!" >Serenity: "Thank you. I am glad you care about my body. Including my pussy. >Please rub it and play with it. LITA: When Coneheads have sex. . . It still throbs. It needs to be touched and >loved." Darien then puts one of his fingers in the slit of her clit. He >wiggles his finger in a circle inside her clit. DARIEN and SERENA wiggle their fingers in a circle in the air. DARIEN: Yippie-ti-yi-yo SERENA: Ti-yo-ti-yay. >Serenity moaned in excitement >as he played with her pussy. Serenity took her hand and started rubbing >Darien's penis, balls, and his pubic hair. They were loving each other. >Darien started to moan as Serenity started to play with in Penis. RAYE (squawking mother voice): Junior! I told you not to play within Penis! His Penis, >balls, and pubic hir is what made him more masculine. LITA: Yes, he was just a 98-pound weakling of a Ken doll until he sprouted ACTUAL MALE GENITALIA. Now he's a butt-kicking stud. . . SERENA: This is a nightmare, it's just got to be. . . Serenity had just as >much enjoyment playing with his private parts RAYE: How did Howard Stern get into this fanfic? just as he had fun playing with >hers. Serenity turned over in the spa. Her butt was in the air. >Serenity: "Please play with my butt. spank it, love it. Rub it. Also continue >playing with my pussy, please." MINA: I didn't know Serena was into S&M. SERENA: I'm not. DARIEN: (at the same time) She's not. >Darien: "Sure." He started by running his finger in the crack of her ass. He >went deeper and deeper into Serenity's crack. He ran his finger along the >bottom of the long crack of her ass. Then he found a hole. It was her >asshole. SERENA: "I think we've found the *real* asshole in this fic, and it isn't a part of *any* of our bodies. . ." >Darien: "Please dear, take a deep breath so you asshole will open a little." RAYE: Please, Crystal Knight, take a deep breath and hold it until you suffocate. LITA: "The Appearance of Oceanus" 2, Electric BoogalooOOOWW!!! (Serena now has Lita by the ponytail) SERENA: If you *EVER* mention that. . . thing again, I *will* take your ponytail and *epoxy* it to the floor! LITA (grabs her hair back): Serena, you and Raye are good friends, but IF EITHER OF YOU TOUCHES MY HAIR AGAIN WITHOUT PERMISSION, you *will* find out what it's like to have TEN THOUSAND VOLTS run through your body. Got it? Good. >Serenity: "Yes, my love." Serenity to a deep breath and her asshole opened MINA: The author's asshole opened and let out this piece of crap. >slightly enough so Darien could get his finger >in the hole. >He softly moved his finger in and around her asshole. RAYE: He's an alien! It's an anal probe! SERENA (as Dark Helmet): How many assholes we got in this script!? ALL (as Spaceballs): YO! SERENA (as Dark Helmet): I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes. (booming voice) Keep firing, assholes. He also >continued to move his finger in her ever throbbing pussy. Her pussy was >throbbing with excitement to >his touching. LITA: My head is throbbing with pain from reading this. > Her body wanted more it it. Her pussy craved it. >It was a great feeling to her. She moaned even more. her body gave off a huge >sensation that could be felt thoughout her body. She enjoyed his touching >her. He knew where to touch >her most sensitive areas. >Darien: "Do you like what you're recieving?" RAYE: I before E except after C. . . SERENA: Unless pronounced "Ay" as in "Neighbor" or "Weigh." >Serenity: "Yes, I want more. Give me more! I crave for it. I hunger for it! DARIEN: White Castle - What You Crave! >It feels great!" It felt good to her. They continued for along while. Then >they stopped. AMY: Not again. SERENA: What the heck is this!? Has this author *NEVER* heard of an orgasm? >Darien got out and got one of the packages that he brought >home. Serenity looked at her husband. he had satisfied her. She noticed that >he pulled out a pink teddy made of polyester. RAYE: And she threw it right back at him, told him he was a cheapskate, and walked out. LITA: Bill and Monica, the early years. >Serenity: "Is that for me?" >Darien: "I hope you would put it on and model it for me." >Serenity: "Thanks. Can you help me dry off?" Serenity steps out of the spa. >Darien starts with her hair and her head. Then he makes his way down her body >and dries her pussy and her >butt. Then he finishes drying the rest of her body. He puts the >towel down and picks up the pink teddy that he bought for her. >Serenity: "Will you help me slip and put it on?" RAYE: I don't think you need *Darien's* help to slip. . . SERENA: Let's concentrate on riffing on this guy and not on each other, okay? RAYE: I *was* riffing this guy. SERENA: Oh yeah. >Darien: "Sure." Darien holds the teddy as Serenity puts her feet and legs >into the teddy. He begins to slowly pull it up. LITA: Uh-oh, I think we're in for another six-hour dressing scene. Finally the bottom part of >the teddy completely hugs her hips >and her beautiful pussy and crotch. The bottom part has settled in place. He >then motioned her to put her arms into the >straps. SERENA: Can you call 'em or what? >He places each strap on each shoulder. Then he tucks >her beautiful breasts into the cups of the teddy. Darien steps >back and takes a look of her at a disstance. >Serenity: "Do I look beautiful to you? Do you like the teddy I am wearing?" >Darien: "Yes. I want my woman to look her best. I bought it because I love >you." SERENA: Polyester? I think not. . . >Serenity: "I never worn a teddy before." Darien puts on clean clothes. >Darien: "Is it comfortible to you?" SERENA: No, dammit, it feels like a plastic bag. MINA: What? SERENA: Four words: Polyester. Shirt. Hot. Day. >Serenity: "Let me walk with it on and I will tell you." Serenity began to >walk. She walked to where the bed was. RAYE: And promptly crawled under it so she wouldn't have to show her face in public anymore after appearing in this travesty. SERENA: I'd crawl under this chair, except I don't care to find out what's on the floor. >Darien: "Well?" >Serenity: "Yes. Thank you!" Serenity goes up to him and gives him a hug. >Darien: "I love you, sweetheart, you earned it. You look stunning in pink. I >have 6 more teddies for you. They are all different colors. You are very >beauiful with it on." ALL (singing): You are, so beauiful. . . to me! >Serenity: "Thanks." Serenity moves to the couch. Darien joins her. Serenity >clings on to her prince." AMY: That's the weirdest thing I can imagine for Serenity to say. Granted that there's not all that much that she says that actually makes *sense*. . . >Serenity got up and sat on Darien's lap. >Serenity: "Are you pleased with me?" >Darien: "I am very pleased with you." SERENA: Darien, what was it you said earlier about "Larry King Live?" >Serenity: "I am going in the other room. I will call you in a few minutes." >Darien: "Okay." Serenity goes in the other room and takes off the teddy. She >puts on a pair of Satin panties that has lots of lace in the front. The lace >is shaped in a V. Serenity slips on the panties. LITA: And falls on her butt. She puts on a bra next and >snaps it. She tucks in her breasts into the cups of the bra. RAYE: Now be good little breasts and go to sleep for Mommy. Next she puts on >a slip and a skirt. She finds a blouse and puts it on. She puts her high heel >shoes back on. SERENA: Hasn't this guy *ever* seen "Talk Radio?" I can't *walk* in heels. Raye, how do *you* manage it? ALL: YAY!!! <2> <3> <4> (Luna is alone on the bridge) LUNA: Today, the Sailor Scouts are witnessing a fanfic called "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!", which is of the fanfic genre often referred to as "lemon." While there are some beautiful, romantic, and well-written entries in the field, alas, all too much of it is poorly written, ugly, or both. As a public service, we would like to demonstrate things commonly seen in these types of fanfics. If you see any of these in a story you are reading, that's your cue to hit the "back" button immediately, if not sooner. And so, without further ado, we present. . . "Elements of the All-Too-Common Sailor Moon Lemon." Number One: The "Porn Trigger" fanfic. (Mina and Lita enter, and sit down as if they were on a couch watching television). MINA: I'm bored. LITA: Me, too. Let's see what's on cable. (She mimes picking up a remote and clicking through channels, then gives an overexaggerated gasp). Oh, look! The Spice channel has somehow become unscrambled! MINA: Wow, this is making me hot and bothered. LITA: Me, too. Let's do something about it. (She grabs Mina in a way overexaggerated, super-theatrical embrace. Camera pans back to Luna). LUNA: Number Two: The "Scout Runs to Fellow Scout For Comfort" fanfic. (Amy comes on-stage, miming looking in a refrigerator. Raye stumbles on from left, faking hugely overexaggerated tears). RAYE: Oh, it's so awful! Chad and I had a fight! Oh, I'll never be happy again! AMY: There, there, there. I'm here. (She hugs Raye. They pause for a second, then the hug becomes an overblown parody of a passionate embrace. Camera pans back to Luna again). LUNA: Number Three: The "Serena and Darien Break Up to Sleep With Other People" fic. (Serena and Darien enter from opposite sides of the stage.) SERENA: Darien. . .I'm breaking up with you. I've decided I'm a lesbian. I'm running off with Raye. DARIEN: That's okay, I was going to break up with you anyway. I've decided that I love Andrew. (They both break character, cringe, and go "EEEWWWW!") LUNA: Ahem. Can we stick to the sketch, please? (Camera pans back to her). Number Four: The "Girl and General" fic. (Mina comes on in a Negaverse jacket, holding a whip and dragging Amy by the hair). MINA: You're nothing but a trashy slut, Sailor Brat, and I'm going to make you pay for everything you've done to us! (She mimes whipping Amy). AMY: Oh! No! Please, please stop! No, wait a second! Please don't stop! Give me more! (Camera pans back to Luna). LUNA: Number Five: The "Lesbian Pileup." (Lita comes on with an absurdly huge strap-on dildo around her hips, holding all kinds of bizarre sex toys in both hands) LITA: Okay, whose secret sexual fantasy shall I fulfill next? ALL OTHER GIRLS, running on-stage: ME! ME! ME! (They tackle her and all fall behind the desk, just as the lights and alarms go off). FORRESTER: Lucky you - the film's fixed. Frank! Put the hurt on them! FRANK: Right back atcha, Steve! ALL: (jumping up) WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIGN! (Lita flings away the sex toys as they run for the theater). <4> <3> <2> SERENA: I'm so glad that none of those things could ever happen. DARIEN: Me too, Meatball-Head SERENA: Oh, I love it when you call me that! RAYE, AMY, LITA and MINA: GET A ROOM! >Serenity calls for Darien. >Serenity: "Darien!" She calls for him excitedly. Darien walks in. >Darien: "Did you want to go for a walk?" RAYE (as Darien): Let me get the leash. >Serenity: "No, I have a gift for you. Do you want it?" >Darien: "Yes, where is it?" >Serenity: "I am the gift. Want to unwrap me and discover what lies inside?" MINA: Okay, so she got dressed just to have Darien undress her. This makes sense *why!?* SERENA: And why, oh WHY is she sitting around stark naked most of the time? >Darien: "Sure, I will open my gift!" Darien takes of Serenity's blouse. Then >he took off the skirt that she wore. He then took off her slip. The only >things left on her where her bra and panties. >Serenity: "Do you like my breasts?" LITA: I had the implants refilled just yesterday! >Darien: "I think they are perfect. You are perfect in my eyes!" DARIEN (sarcastic): Oh, this sparkling, witty repartee! Why, there hasn't been a script that crackled with dynamic dialogue so much since "Jerry Maguire"! >Darien takes off Serenity's bra. He places on of his hands under her left >breast. The other hand on her right breast. LITA: It's Twister! Left hand red, right hand blue. . . >Darien: "Let my hands be your cups for your breasts for a while!" DARIEN: So now I'm a Wonderbra? Beryl didn't abuse me like this! Darien >begins to kiss Serenity on her face. He continues to kiss her and hold her >breasts. Serenity's panties >become wet from the sensation. Serenity closes her legs, which makes her wet >even more. He removes one of his hands from her breasts and puts it down the >front of her panties. He feels her pubic hair of her pussy. >Darien: "Almost totally moist, but not quite!" RAYE: Betty Crocker Bundt cakes, always totally moist. . . Darien begins to lick >Serenity's nipples while his hand is still touching her pussy. Her pussy >becomes warmer and even more wetter. ALL sweatdrop. AMY: More wetter. . . first-grade grammar mistake. . . he's a flame-troll all right. SERENA: Well, we knew that, Amy-chan. >Darien: Just right, Very moist." LITA: She's ready to come out of the oven now! Darien lays her on the bed very gently. He >then removes Serenity's drenched wet panties >from her wet and moist pussy. He slowly removes her panties from her wet >pubic hair of her pussy. He puts her panties next to her high heels that she >still wearing. He feels and smells her panties. >Serenity: "Is the smell pleasing to you?" >Darien: "Yes, a very sweet scent." DARIEN: We take you into the labs of Calvin Klein, where they're developing the followup scent to CK One. . . >Serenity: "Please taste my pussy and see if it tastes good to you." >Darien: "Okay." Darien begins to licks his wife's warm and moist pussy. RAYE (as Darien): Umm. . .needs salt. She >moans with pleasing excitement. >Darien: "Yummy, ALL (singing): Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy. . . Serenity you taste so sweet just like the scent." >Serenity: "...uuuh..Arigato! Do you want to lick my clit? It's throbbing >wanting to be licked." >Darien: "Okay." Darien starts licking her clit. Her clit becomes >very swolen. LITA: Okay, we seem to be missing an L here. Everyone check the floor and see if there's an L stuck to your shoe. The light pink pussy throbs with the slight touch >of Darien's tongue. Serenity's pussy continues to throb as the sensation >increases. Her pussylips were completely opened and they wide open just like >a flower that is in bloom. DARIEN: Oooh. . .an actual attempt at a metaphor! RAYE: Alas, it's a piss-poor one. . . >Then Darien took off his own clothes and inserted AMY: Tab "a" into slut "b". . . OW!! SERENA (putting the Moon Scepter away): *That* was uncalled for. >his penis into Serenity's pussy. The vibrations and the trobbing continued to >build. Serenity was now making quieter moans. >Serenity was deeply enjoying the connection that Darien's penis joined with >Serenity's pussy. Darien felt that an orgasm AMY: (surprised) WHAT!? This author actually made that connection!? SERENA: Probably because he was so focused on his writing that he blew a load in his shorts. MINA: Getting vicious in our old age are we? SERENA: Let's see you get your personality stomped on for about eight thousand words and not get mad. >was building inside Serenity and he quickly removed his penis >to see Serenity's pussy suddenly began to cum uncontrolibly. AMY: I see your spelling hasn't improved just because your knowledge of sexual anatomy has. SERENA: And not even by that much, it's the same gag as when 'Serenity' felt Darien coming in the first place >Serenity moaned again loadly SERENA: "Again Loadly," the new album by Metallica, on sale NOW! AMY: But Serena, you hate Metallica. SERENA: Exactly! MINA: If they actually come out with that disc, I will *hurt* you. SERENA: Get in line. If they actually use that as a title, you'll probably get there just as I'm whacking myself repeatedly in the head with the Moon Scepter. >with deep pleasure, excitement and satisfaction. >Darien then started to lick her pussy that was covered with her natural love >juices. DARIEN: New from Ocean Spray: Natural Love Juices! Available in Cranapple, Cranberry, and Crangrape. . . Soon he had licked >all the cum. Darien got and cleaned himself up and then returned and cleaned >his naked wife up. he took he wet pair of panties off of her high heels. He >gets another clean pair of panties which were nylon MINA: First a polyester teddy, then nylon panties. Does this guy have a synthetics fetish or *what?* >and sliped them on her. >He sets her >on his lap. She moans and sighs with great comfort and satisfaction. She soon >returns to normal. >Darien: "Are you okay, my beautiful wife?" RAYE: "And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house! And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife!" >Serenity: "Uh huh." Serenity looks up at Darien with great love in her eyes. >Darien: "Did I make you feel good?" >Serenity: "Yes, It felt wonderful. Did you like your gift?" >Darien: "That's good. Yes I did." >Serenity: "Was my love juices sweet to you?" >Darien: "Yes, Your natural love juices was rich and sweet." DARIEN: Natural Love Juices: They're rich and sweet, yet low in fat and cholesterol! Available now, in your grocer's freezer. . . SERENA: GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! >Serenity: "Thank you for pleasing me. Can you put on my pink teddy on me >again?" >Darien: "Your welcome. I think you needed it. Sure I will get it." Serenity >stands up and removes the panties that was placed on her. Darien gets the >pink teddy. Serenity puts her legs through the two holes. Darien slips it on >her. The bottom part of her teddy went into place. He then puts each of the >straps of the teddy on each shoulder. He then gently tucks her breasts in the >cups of the teddy. RAYE: Seen it. DARIEN: Taped it. LITA: Hated it. >Serenity: "Thank you. I like my new teddy. Thanks for putting it on me. I am >hungry are you?" >Darien: "Your welcome. What ever you need, I will do it for you, sweetheart. >What would you like for dinner?" >Serenity: "How about I do my homework that Mrs. Haruna gave me and then you >can take me out and fine a good place to eat, is that okay with you?" MINA: Raye, is this person *anybody* you know? SERENA: *I* don't know her, and she's supposed to be me. >Darien: "Yes, it's fine with me." >Serenity: "Thanks." Serenity gets up and grabs her home work. She bent down >and pick up her home work. Darien watched bent over, Serenity's teddy moved >with her. AMY: This guy appears to have a firm grasp on the obvious. >Serenity went to the small table in the suite and began working. He >watched her work. She seemed to be dedicated to her new role as a wife. >Serenity wanted very much to please her prince which was now her husband. RAYE: This guy's attitude toward women makes "The Bikini Carwash Company" look like "Thelma and Louise." >Darien belonged to her just as much as She belonged to him. For and hour >Serenity did her home work and finally she was done. She got up and put her >homework away. Serenity went back to the chair and sat back down. ALL: (whoopee cushion noises) >Darien: "I am proud of you, my wife." >Serenity: "Why?" SERENA: There's absolutely nothing in this fanfic to be proud of. >Darien: "For one you seemed dedicated to your new role. Two, you seem not to >be afraid of totally exposing your beautiful nude body to me. Three, you even >let me dress and undress you. I am happy you are serious about your new >role!" DARIEN: I will NOT tolerate being made to look like a Cro-Magnon troglodyte who treats the love of his life like a blowup doll anymore! (Throws rose at screen. It bounces off the screen harmlessly and the petals break away from the stem). DAMN! >Serenity: "Thanks, I do it because I want to be the best wife you could ever >have. I expose myself to you and let you see me nude, because I love you. I >am not afraid of showing off my beautiful nude body to you. I let you undress >me beause I want you to love my body. I need your love. SERENA: I did NOT need this. Darien and I had a date tonight. A date to see a *real* movie, not this piece of crap. >I let you dress me >for the same reason. You make me happy. I am happy to share my love and my >body to you, please I ask a favor of you." LITA: This guy makes Hugh Hefner look like a progressive feminist. >Darien: "Yes, what is it?" >Serenity: "I am frail and fragile. MINA: Says the woman of steel. . . SERENA: That was the voice of the author's plot contrivance. >Be gentle with me, take care of >me. That all I ask. If you do, I will love you fo all time!" >Darien: "I will do ask you ask, my love. I will take care of you." >Serenity: "I will get ready to leave. I will get dressed." AMY: That's it, I give up trying to count the redundancies. This entire 'fic is a redundancy: repetitive and unnecessary. >Serenity gets dressed. Serenity comes out wearing a blue dress, wearing high >heels on her feet. >Serenity: "I am ready. What do you think of me?" RAYE (as Darien): You're a pathetic little airhead tramp and I can't stand the sight of you! >Darien: "You are beautiful, as always." Darien and Serenity go out. For what >they do or what they go will be for next time. SERENA: I didn't just read that. Please say I didn't just read that. >NEXT EPISODE: "Serenity's fantasy, Fantasy Sailor Moon Appears!" SERENA: When does the hurting stop? <2> <3> <4> The Scouts exit the theater. Serena is clinging to Darien's arm. (We see Amy alone on the bridge, wearing a very scholarly pair of glasses, standing in front of a covered easel) MAGIC VOICE: And now, the Satellite of Love Cable Health Network is proud to present "Dr. Amy Anderson on Basic Human Anatomy." AMY: Thank you very much. Today, I would like to address the anatomical errors found in the work of fanfiction entitled "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!" by Crystal Knight. Mr. Knight has attempted to present depictions of sexual intercourse without any foreknowledge of how the human body actually works. (She uncovers easel to show diagram of male sexual organs, inside and out). Mr. Knight seems to think it is possible for men to "just stop" having sex without orgasm. This is grossly inaccurate, because unless the man loses his erection due to some sort of problem, it is physically impossible for him to terminate the sexual act without coming to a climax. As one can see, the penis becomes engorged and remains so until orgasm. And furthermore, Mr. Knight, is *impossible* for a man to maintain an erection for two hours! (She is starting to look a bit frazzled). First of all, such a state is medically known as priapism, and it is *incredibly* painful. It is not a state that a man would *want* to be in. Second, do you think someone would *want* to maintain the level of excitement of sexual intercourse for two hours? (Her state of being frazzled escalates). For one thing, you'd probably induce a heart attack! Is that what you fantasize about, Crystal Knight? Giving yourself a coronary? How STUPID can you. . . (She catches herself, takes a deep breath, and composes herself again). Well. Never mind about that. Back to our serious medical discussion. . . (She switches to the next diagram on the easel, which shows the external female genitalia) Now, I would like to address this author's confusion about just where the opening is where intercourse occurs. Mr. Knight says at several points, "He put it in her clit." This is wrong, grossly wrong. Mr. Knight has obviously confused the vagina, which is a tunnel, with the clitoris, which is a solid organ located just above the vagina and is the center of physical pleasure for a woman. If he had bothered to do the *slightest* amount of research before beginning his so-called "lemon," (she's getting frazzled again) he would know that putting a penis *in* a woman's clitoris is not only anatomically impossible, it would be EXTREMELY PAINFUL if such a thing were possible! And furthermore (her frenzy is escalating), what the HELL was that business about "take a deep breath so your asshole will open?" Where did he get THAT one from? If EVERYONE'S RECTAL ORIFICE OPENED EVERY TIME THEY TOOK A DEEP BREATH, WE'D HAVE ONE HELL OF A MESS EVERY TIME SOMEONE WENT JOGGING, WOULDN'T WE? AND FURTHERMORE. . . (Raye and Lita run on-stage and start shaking the frantic Amy) RAYE: Amy! Amy! Get ahold of yourself! LITA: Chill out, Aims! It's just a bad fanfic, remember? AMY (back to herself, deeply embarrassed: blushing, hiding her face in her hands): I'm. . .I'm sorry. . .I just don't know what came over me. . . RAYE: (hugging her) It's okay. We've all been through a horrible trauma with this thing. . .and it'll be over soon. It's just got to be. LITA: Umm, guys. . .you don't think that Crystal Knight's written any *other* fanfics, do you? (There is a pause. Then, all three girls in unison:) ALL: AAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH! (Alarms, flashing lights, etc.) ALL: WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIGN! <4> <3> <2> >Sailor Moon:Fantasy! [Hentai] >Episode:03 >"Serenity's Fantasy, Fantasy Sailor Moon Appears!" >By the "Crystal Knight!" >E-Mail: Who09@aol.com SERENA: Amy, mail-bomb the scum. AMY: Are you suggesting. . . high-tech payback? Consider it done. >Recommended for those 18 and over. SERENA: "Not recommended for those whose *mental* age is 18 or over." >Note: This Fan Fiction contains descriptions of nudity >and sex. Read at your own risk! SERENA: 'Risk' implies that you *could* get something positive out of it. As far as I can tell, there's nothing positive to be had from this fanfic. >Now on to the story! MINA: Must we? > ~EPISODE:03 "Serenity's Fantasy, Fantasy Sailor Moon Appears!"~ > Darien took his wife Serenity out of the hotel and decided to let her have a >good time with him. He always wanted her to be happy as much as possible. She >felt safe around him. SERENA: The poor, deluded fool. . . MINA: Serenity or the author? SERENA: Take your pick. >They walked for a long time. Darien spoke up. >Darien: "Serenity, where would you like to eat at?" >Serenity: "Why don't you choose, Surprise me!" >Darien: "Okay." Darien thinks for a bit and then he thinks of a >place. >Darien: "How about that Sizzler Steak house?" >Serenity: "That's sounds good to me." SERENA: NANI!!? Did she. . . just. . . agree to. . .? Lita-chan, are you certain a lesbian lemon wouldn't have been less painful than this? DARIEN: First I'm buying her polyester undies, now I'm taking her to Sizzler. Who does this guy think I am--Al Bundy? >Darien: "Okay, Let's go inside." >Darien and Serenity enter the resturant and ordered steak and the food that >all they could eat. SERENA: Unlike me - I'm having a hard time keeping that snack that Dr. Forrester misnamed 'lunch' down. >Soon Darien had taken his newly wedded wife to a dress >shop. Darien took Serenity in. >Woman: "Hello, anything I can do for you?" >Darien: "I want to buy my wife a dress or two." >Woman: "We havy many types of dresses, what are you looking for?" >Darien: "Serenity, what kinds of dresses do you want?" >Serenity: "Long dresses, made of satin. RAYE: Oh, yeah, THAT's something to wear to the 7-11. SERENA: And these people, unlike Darien and I, would actually go to a 7-11. I would like them to be in the colors >pink, yellow, blue or white." >Woman: "Ok, come this way." The woman showed Serenity many dresses. Serenity >saw a yellow dress with Crescent moons on it. >Serenity: "Can I try it on?" SERENA: I *don't* like where this is headed one bit. >Woman: "Sure, here is the dressing room." Serenity goes in and puts on the >dress and then comes back out. Serenity then comes back out with the dress >on. DARIEN: Hey, she changed clothes and we weren't treated to a thread-by-thread description! It's a Biblical sign of the Apocalypse! MINA: (as Homer Simpson) Marge! It's the Rapture! Hide Bart! >Serenity: "What do you think, do you like it, muffin?" LITA (singing): "I said, you ain't seen nothin' till you're down on the muffin. . ." >Darien: "Yes, it looks good on you! Do you want it?" >Serenity: "Yes. Thanks." Darien then hands some money to the woman. >Woman: "Thanks. Enjoy." Darien then took Serenity to a local >park. Darien held his princess' hand. He thought to himself that he was lucky >to have a such fine young woman like her. MINA: Unlike the author, who will never have a woman unless she's desperate or brain-dead. >Serenity: "Moon Crystal Power!" Serenity tries to transform >into Sailor Moon, but nothing happened. SERENA: Why is Serenity trying to become Sailor Moon? The only youma in this story is the author. >Darien: "What happened? Should you be Sailor Moon now? Right?" >Serenity: "I should, but maybe I can't be Sailor Moon anymore, because I am >the Moon Princess." SERENA: Okay, so before, what was I, chopped liver? >Darien: "Maybe, I think the Silver Crystal has lost most of it's power after >you saved Crystal Tokyo." SERENA (heating up): No it didn't. It's just an author contrivance so he can make me into his pathetic little sex-doll. MINA: Getting bitter, Serena? SERENA: You betcha. >A tear came from Serenity's eye and fell on the >Silver Crystal, changing it's form >and giving it a new shape and full of energy. >Darien: "It's beautiful, sweetheart! What is it?" >Serenity: "The Fantasy Crystal. My fantasy was to be Sailor Moon again, but >not just a cute Sailor Moon. But a Sexier Sailor Moon." SERENA (simmering): THERE!! What'd I tell you!? >Darien: "Oh?" >Serenity: "Yes. Moon Fantasy Power!" Serenityis suddenly nude. LITA: Just like in three-quarters of this story. Ribbons cover >Serenity's pussy. A white pair of satin bikini panties forms. Then Ribbons >form around Serenity's breasts and a strapless white stain bra forms. Then >Ribbons form a white, blue and red blouse. Then Ribbons form a light blue >skirt that's see though. RAYE: Then ribbons encircle the author's throat and pull tighter and tighter. . . DARIEN: Dream on. Then red boots form and then the Moon tiara and the >red jewels form in the meatballs. Darien looks at his wife that just >transformed into Sailor Moon. >Darien: "I think you are beautiful as always. RAYE: Dammit, that's the sixty gazillionth time he's said the same thing. What is he, a Talking Tuxedo Mask Pull-String Doll? LITA: The doll would have had a bigger vocabulary. What are you going to call >yourself?" The new Sailor Moon thought about it and then answered. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "Because being a more sexy Sailor Moon was my fantasy, I >will call myself....Fantasy Sailor Moon. SERENA (starting to boil): A big stake through this author's heart is *my* fantasy. DARIEN: Dr. Forrester roasting on a spit is *my* fantasy. >Then Fantasy Sailor Moon detransformed back into Serenity. SERENA (temper reaches critical mass): I do NOT exist to be treated like some pathetic little blow-up doll for this jerk's wank-off purposes! I am the warrior of Love and Justice, SAILOR MOON!! And I will not forgive you, Crystal Knight, or YOU, Clayton Forrester! On behalf of the Moon, I'LL DAMN WELL PUNISH YOU!!! > A few days later, Darien and Serenity returned to Tokyo. Thier friends was >very happy to see them again. They noticed that Serenity had changed in many >ways since they last saw her. LITA: Well, she changed her underwear about a million times. . . Serenity would tell them how she had changed. >They were living peacefully and happy. Their peace is not to last, because a >new villain is coming.... >NEXT EPISODE: "Serenity's new enemy!" SERENA: Meanwhile, in *this* episode, we already know that my enemy is the Crystal Knight. . . RAYE: (breathing, not quite literally, fire) I WON'T LET YOU ABUSE THEM ANYMORE, YOU MOUTH-BREATHING ILLITERATE GEEK! DARIEN: (slumped over in his seat) When does the hurting stop? MINA: Let's get the hell out of here. <2> <3> <4> (All are back on bridge, looking stunned.) AMY: Well. That was. . . . RAYE: Very. . .very. . . LITA: Not that good. (Pause). SERENA: Aw, who the hell are we fooling? That thing sucked eggs! If I ever get my hands on that Crystal Knight. . . DARIEN: Oh, don't worry. I think there's something we can do about this. (He produces a laptop from under the desk.) Amy and I have developed a little bit of technology. . . AMY: Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about! (She hands a floppy disc to him). The weapon, sir. DARIEN: Thank you very much. Now, did anyone catch that loser's E-mail address? LITA: Hell, yeah. . .it's Who09@aol.com. I was planning on flaming him tonight. . . AMY: Don't worry, this'll be much better than flaming. (Darien types something, then pushes return. There's a loud beep). DARIEN: Cyber rose bombs. . .aaawwwaaayyy! SERENA: What did you just do to him? DARIEN: When he goes to open his mailbox, all of the existing data on his hard drive will be erased and replaced by the complete works of Stephen Ratliff. For the rest of his life, he will be forced to scroll all the way through "Enterprised," "The Only Constant" or "A Royal Mess" before he can do anything on the machine. MINA: Oooh! Harsh! SERENA: Oh, Muffin, this is wonderful! You're giving the bastard exactly what he deserves! (She kisses him). Thank you. . . (She reaches over and hugs Amy) And you, too! RAYE: And as for you, Dr. Clayton Forrester. . .the same thing will happen to you if you keep sending us this crap! LITA: Yeah! We're not going to stand for this! SERENA: In the name of the moon. . . ALL: WE'LL PUNISH YOU! (Deep 13) DR. FORRESTER: Oooh, I'm just shaking in my boots! I'm *so* scared! Keep up that attitude, Lunarchick, and you're going to end up reading the complete works of Blue-Winged Angel! Now, push the button, Frank! Frank? (Frank is working at a computer, saying what he types out loud). FRANK: "Serena rushed into Raye's arms, saying, 'Who needs Darien, anyhow? I have you! Now take me!' They fell to the carpet together. . .Meanwhile, Darien was in the next room getting it on with Amy and Jadeite, while Mina and Lita were up in a trapeze with a half-dozen cucumbers and. . ." DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! FRANK: Oh, sorry, Dr. F., were you calling me? I figured that after reading "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!", that *anyone* could write Sailor Moon lemons. . . DR. FORRESTER: Push the button NOW, Frank. FRANK: But I'm not done with my story! I haven't gotten to the massive orgy involving all the Scouts, all the generals, lots of whips and chains, and a huge tub of lime Jello. . . (Dr. Forrester is sneaking up behind him, holding a huge, scary-looking medical probe). DR. FORRESTER: Frank. . .take a deep breath so your asshole will open a little. FRANK: AAAAAUUUGGGHH! (He runs forward to get away from Dr. Forrester, trips, and falls on the button). \ | / \ | / \|/ ---0--- /|\ / | \ / | \ -PHHHWWOOOO- SAILOR SAYS: SERENA: Human sexuality is a beautiful thing, but when a poor author abuses it for his or her own gratification, it loses much of its beauty. MINA: And when it's used to justify any changes in characterization that an author wishes, it gets even worse. SERENA: It is possible to write a good lemon. Just look at fanfictions written by Sexylyon, Lady M. Harris, Sailor Mac or Mark Berger. If you're an aspiring lemon author. . . AMY: First seek professional help. . . SERENA: But then, read the works of these authors and ask yourself, 'Am I trying to write a story about these characters or just a story about sex?' If the answer is the second, please, for the sake of Naoko-sama and all of Sailor Moon fandom, choose a different series to write about. Sailor Moon Says, where's that little weasel Forrester, anyway? The Moon Scepter and I have a little date with him. . . FORRESTER: Push the button *again,* Frank. FRANK: But. . . but. . . but sir, it all makes perfect sense now. What. . . FORRESTER: FRANK!!! FRANK: Right. -PHHHWWOOOO- Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. Sailor Moon was created by Naoko Takeuchi. None of these characters are ours, we're just borrowing them for awhile. This is not a personal attack on the poster, just on what he posted. No matter how much he may deserve it. We understand that "The Great Popliano" is also writing a MSTing of the first part of the story. Look for his version on the MST3K newsgroups and Web sites in a couple of months. The "Cyber Rose Bombs" were based on an idea developed by two of our favorite fanfic writers, Pandora Waldron and Jennifer Wand. Thanks for the inspiration and the wonderful stories, ladies! Keep circulating the fansubs. . . "> Serenity woke up at 8:30 am. I was saturday."