St. Paul, MN-- Disspirited speech pathologists, after an intensive six hour session with rock 'n' roll legend Bob Dylan, today held a press conference at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Health Center.
"In medical terminology, we'd classify this patient as being a fucking, gibbering idiot."
The 58 year old folk singer, whose voice has lately been compared to a drawn out "EWWW!" by Lucille Ball, simultaneously held his own press conference at his palatial home in Minneapolis.
"Ieeeeed liiiike to saaaaayyyyy, theeeee medicaaaaaaalllll reeeeeepooooooorts....."
But before Dylan could finish the opening lines of his prepared statement, all the reporters present had either left to meet tomorrow's deadlines or had fallen into a deep slumber.
"It's tragic," said Dr. Lars Svenson, Dylan's personal physician of 13 years, "because I'm such a fan of his work. Yet I'm not exaggerating when I say that I haven't understood a word he's said since 1994. When I have to determine his symptoms, I have to go by body English, sort of like a vet with their dumb animal patients."
Family members, led by singer son Jason, have regretfully come to the conclusion that they will soon have to commit Dylan to the David Schwimmer/Alec Guinness Speech Sanatorium in Beverly Hills.
"It won't be so bad," says Jason. "He'll be attended to by speech therapists and pathologists who'll gently but insistently ply him with Dick and Jane books. On alternating days, they'll work with him on tongue twisters such as 'The sixth shiek's sixth sheep is sick'."
At last year's Grammy Awards, Dylan's acceptance speech for the lifetime achievement award was so long and drawn out that the technical director had to fast-forward that portion of the broadcast to the viewing public.
The Schwimmer/Guinness Clinic, which boasts such past alumni as Ice Cream czar Tom Carvel, Boston Mayor Tom Menino, Ozzy Osbourne, and James Brown, fervently anticipates the folk singer's admission.
"We were wondering when the family would come to its senses and think of us," said one senior clinic staffer. "It was kind of obvious to everyone outside of them that old Bob wasn't quite the same since his bike crash in '67."
"It's kinda scary," said Jason, "to consider that I, too, may have folks looking at me like I'm speaking in tongues. Now I know how Arlo Guthrie feels."