Washington, DC-- Just a day after his avuncular advice to America's youth to "Drive safely, for heaven's sake," the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is dispensing even more homespun wisdom for our nation's young.
"For the love of God," admonished the Chief Justice after a Death Row row inmate's attorney sought a stay of execution for stabbing his mother with a pair of scissors, "tell your client never to run with scissors! Didn't his mother teach him that?"
At a press conference, Chief Justice Rehnquist also was quoted as saying,
"And I can't stress this enough, young people- Don't make faces or they'll stay that way!"
Then, after a few more cursory suggestions regarding toilet seats and refrigerator doors, the Chief Justice stepped down from the podium.
"Chief Justice Rehnquist has been trying to deal with the pressure of being top dog of the Supreme Court," asserts one of his aides. "At least he doesn't make us pull his finger, anymore, like Justice Thomas."