Congratulations on being promoted to Wal-Mart store management! In our little family of three and a half million stores worldwide, you are obviously in an elite echelon, certainly moreso than the associates who will be working directly under you, who are also important, but not quite as important as you. After all, you are the General Manager!
And, as General Manager of a multi-million dollar a year retail business, there are certain regulations and guidelines that define your job title and job description. This is what the Wal-Mart Manager's Manual is intended to do, to make you more familiar with the checks and balances of being a Wal-Mart Store Manager.
You are now an integral part of a small but growing family of Wal-Mart's, Sam's, and other megastores that is slowly covering the planet to the point that the Hubble Space telescope can actually begin to see our chain from outer space!
That said, happy reading, happy retailing, and, don't forget, dissemination of this Manual to non-Wal-Mart store managers is strictly forbidden. Good job references are hard enough to come by these days!
Sincerely,
David Glass, CEO and Chairman, Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
1a Deny Everything. In the late 18th-early 19th century, it was said that Napolean always wore a red tunic to the battlefield so that his men could not see him bleed if he was injured. Obviously, the psychological effect of this tactic is inestimable and it also applies to Wal-Mart management. You, the store manager, are expected to be perfect and invulnerable in all areas of store management, personal deportment, and every other way. You cannot be held accountable for any personal injury to any customer or associate, even if you'd put them in harm's way. Allowing this will undermine your credibility and morale throughout the store will suffer once your human flaws are exposed.
1b Delegate Culpability. Naturally, this is where the associate comes in. As with the pawns in a game of chess or Napolean's cannon fodder against Blucher's or Wellington's artillery, the associate plays an invaluable part and works toward the good of the whole by sacrificing his/her job in order to save the General Manager who cannot reasonably be expected to fall on his/her own sword.
1c Inconspicuous Retroactive Absence. It is all-important in cases of personal injury, sexual harassment, accidental death, and any other unsavory business in which the Manager cannot be involved, to be retroactively absent from the scene of controversy.
Do not worry, as there will be no one who will ever remember seeing you within the store, and the video surveillance cameras are largely non-functional, anyway. And if anyone remembers seeing you at the scene and is in a position to place you in the sphere of exaction, don't forget who the boss is.
2a Discourage them. The Home Office has enough paperwork to do, as it is.
2b In the event that getting around to filling out an accident/incident report cannot be avoided, then you are authorized to rewrite the statements so it looks as if the injured party is at fault.
For example, a customer walks into your store and slips on the floor because one of your greeters decided to spill bacon grease at the entrance just for the hell of it. Rewrite the customer's part of the statement so that it appears as if s/he flew into the store on inline skates at breakneck speed and deliberately aimed for the puddle of bacon grease in order to obtain more velocity.
Wal-Mart, don't forget, is self-insured, and as such we are in a position to plausibly deny every charge that is levied against us. Since Wal-Mart is a huge corporation, judges are well aware that we are a big target for any litigious-minded scrub out to make a quick buck and that will actually work to our advantage. But a little bit of creative statement management couldn't hurt!
3a Post as your official portrait your driver's license photo at the front of the store to discourage contact.
3b You are only in the store when a superior is.
4a Shrinkage. Decimating the candy aisle does not count toward shrinkage.
4b Surplus stock. Do not question the buyers' decisions. Accept as much surplus as receiving can handle even after violations of the fire codes.
4c Overages are yours. Fire cashier for overcharging customers.
4d Seasonal items are to be stocked five months in advance. Since there are no holidays in the month of August, it's only natural that customers should be idly occupying their holiday thoughts with Xmas and Santa Claus.
4e Unnecessary peg walls, risers, and modulars are to be built solely to justify your job and usefulness.
4f Shift the merchandise around, moving whole departments if possible. This both further justifies your job and makes shopping at Wal-Mart more challenging for our customers.
4g Silently jack up the retail price before activating a spectacular "rollback."
5a This includes, but is not limited to, sexual relations. Advancement is not possible.
5b Discipline. Public debasement is more effective than private talks because it creates a more indelible impact.
5c Positive Reinforcement. Inversely, this is given privately, like in the bathroom, if at all. This helps keep the associate's priorities clear and the lack of praise ceases to become a motive for professional excellence. Selflessly serving management and letting them take credit fosters a truer spirit of Altruism.
5d Keeping in touch with the grass roots proletariate is important. This involves occasionally lowering oneself to their level by attempting manual labor at receiving, stocking, layaway, etc. Presenting oneself as an expert at these jobs is critical. If you screw up, see sec. 1, subsec. 1b.
6a Scheduling. "Less is more" and this applies to Wal-Mart store managers. The more you scrimp on scheduled manhours, the bigger your year-end bonus. Plus, giving an associate sixteen hours worth of work to expedite in eight hours will give that associate a greater sense of pride in their accomplishments.
6b Medical Leave. Medical experts (including, coincidentally, those contracted by Wal-Mart) unanimously agree that the best post-operative therapy is grueling manual labor. Think of the pride this will retroactively instill in the recovering associate as they receive and stock freight for the Furniture Dept. while still in a wheelchair.
6c Personal/Bereavement Time. Children get sick from time to time. Since we are a family-oriented employer, we recognize this fact. However, chances are that they will not be yours. Therefore, you can hardly expect to care. Again, medical experts insist that manual labor is the best therapy for an illness/death in one's family. Insist that the associate "throw (them)self into (their) work."
6d You are discouraged from fraternizing with subordinates, as they can in no way elevate or improve your career.
7a As with most hostage negotiations, negative terms are discouraged, like, "No", "can't", "won't", etc. The universal placation is, "I'll look into it." The second most common is, "I'm not authorized to do that."
7b The customer is not always right, specifically in instances when their righteousness would work to Wal-Mart's disadvantage by so much as an Ethiopean half penny. This may or may not include merchandise that falls apart, melts, vaporizes, implodes or detonates after purchase.
7c Encourage your subordinates to follow the customer and to discretely monitor their activities (see "ten foot attitude"). Assume that all customers, from the newborn in the car seat to a 90 y/o nun, is a seasoned, professional shoplifter.
If you have any Wal-Mart horror stories of your own, write me. My email address is Crawman2@Juno.com
Check out this hilarious page just sent to me by a former Wal-Mart manager!