Dallas, TX- In a master stroke effort to consolidate his right wing power base and thus better ensuring his party's nomination this summer, Texas Governor and presidential hopeful George W. Bush has changed his stance on capital punishment.
Speaking to a home crowd of nearly 40,000 at Dealy Plaza, the place where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963, Gov. Bush said, "I don't know about you people, but whenever I see I see or hear about an execution by lethal injection, I feel a just a mite sad. Actually, the word I'm really looking for is… unsatisfied."
The problem with capital punishment, said its leading advocate, was that it was "too damned soft" on condemned inmates.
"Think about it, people!", pleaded former President Bush's son, "their last moments are painless and humane. Why shouldn't the state reserve for itself the right to be as inhumane and barbaric as the people that we put to death?"
The Lone Star State's Chief Executive then promised that his first act in the office of the presidency will be to introduce a bill to Congress allowing capital punishment states to use "any and all methods of executions known to Man since the dawn of recorded history." Such methods would include:
Stoning ("Highly effective in Salem, Massachusetts 300 years ago. It eradicated witchcraft almost overnight.")
Impalement ("Look what it did for Vlad the Impaler and Transylvania. Impalement put them on the map.")
Decapitation ("When in doubt, go with the classics," quipped Bush to a horrified audience while dragging his finger across his neck.)
Lion's Den ("Of course, there may be an occasional Daniel or Androcles, but those will be far and few between.")
Disembowelment ("A punitive measure for which most inmates wouldn't have the guts. Heh heh.")
Hanging ("Nothing brings a community together like a good ole fashioned neck stretching of a convicted murderer.")
Other methods of execution have been tried and rejected in trial runs by the Texas penal authorities, who have killed more inmates since 1976's reinstatement of the Death Penalty than most small wars.
"Crucifixion won't work, for obvious reasons. #1, we don't need any martyrs and #2, those good ole boys in the white bed linen just may set fire to the cross as a joke."
Burning at the stake, however, has not been ruled out for inclusion in Bush's proposed bill. "I'll just bet that Joan of Arc didn't hear any more voices after that," he joked.
Minutes after the Governor's speech, officials at Republican National Headquarters asked former Vice President Dan Quayle if he'd be interested in again seeking the GOP's nomination. Quayle indignantly reminded the party in a written statement that he was "already reseaking the nominashun."