Washington, D. C. --- According to a recent joint study made by the Federal Accounting Office and the IRS, Americans are guilty of hoarding “classic natural resources.” Specifically, nobody is giving even a shit, a rat’s ass, or a flying fuck. As a result, this is creating a dearth in our shit, flying fuck, and rat’s ass resources and the federal government is considering releasing reserves.
“This is worse than us hoarding those new quarters,” says Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve. “But now, with Americans constantly saying ‘I don’t give a shit’, this is seriously affecting the livelihoods of septic tank technicians, toilet paper and Port-O-Potty manufacturers, and even Maine farmers who rely on compost toilets.
“And don’t even get me started on how detrimentally a shortage of rat’s asses will impact on research scientists,” Greenspan added.
Congress is considering drafting an emergency bill that will prohibit US citizens from saying more than once a day, “I don’t give a flying fuck, a shit, or a rat’s ass.” “This is not only unconscionable and immoral,” says Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), “it’s also a troubling apathy of the civil duties of every American. Withholding shits, rat’s asses, and flying fucks is a flagrant disregard of the socio-economic system.”
This proposed bill is not without a groundswell of opposition.
Thorndike and his wife went on to add that they, personally, have not given a shit and no more than one or two rat’s asses and flying fucks and no more than three damns since Bill Clinton was elected President.
President Clinton has been apprised of the joint study and has expressed concern.
“This news has come at the juncture of two administrations,” said the President at a press conference. “I do not wish to be known to posterity as the President who allowed his citizens to not give a rat’s ass, a shit, or a flying fuck. I urge my fellow Americans and the entire world community to please make these precious natural resources more accessible so future generations may make use of them.”
According to the same study, Russia and Cuba still have the largest concentration of shits, rat’s asses, and flying fucks, with South Korea leading the free world.