Music Anthropologists Unearth New Clapton Group.
George C. Scott, Famed for Patton, Kicking Lillian Gish, Dies at 71.
Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit, Torn to Shreds.
Customer Disservice Makes Resurgence.
Dean of Reviewers Dies Amid Web of Mystery
Bill Gates Becomes Superhero, Names Self "OS Man."
Microsoft CEO Issues Challenge to James Bond.
Nurse Sexually Harassed by Comatose Patient.
Heterosexuals Bitch-Slapped by Mob of Miffed Gays.
VP Gore to Skate Across Grand Canyon.
Ozzy Osbourne/Janis Joplin Cloning Complete.
Bob Dylan Finally Diagnosed as "fucking... idiot."
Kurt Vonnegut Gives Commencement Address, Heckled as a "Hoax."
Camilla Parker-Bowles Feted; No One Knows Why.
Off With Their Heads!- Gov. George W. Bush.
Wal_Mart Opens New Store in Kosovo.
Americans Guilty of Hoarding Shits, Rat’s Asses, Flying Fucks, Says Study.
Man Who Hit Stephen King Dead, 47 Causes Listed.
GOP Successfully Overturns Results of 1960 Election, Nixon Declared Winner.
Letter "E" Takes Sabbatical, cites exhaustion.
The Nation at a Furtive Glance
North Dakota Officially Unrecognized by Congress.
Customers Ungrateful, Says Amazed Store Clerk.
When Will Bob Hope Die?!- Mental Patient.
Conscientious Citizen Turns Over Self, PC, After "Perform(ing) Illegal Operation."
Area Teen Questions Authority; Authorities Answerless.
Local Group Poised on Local Stardom Announce Breakup.
We're Not Targeting Children- Tobacco Exec at Grammar School Assembly.
North Carolina Swamped by Tobacco Juice.
Cracker Jack Hits New Low With Prizes.
Gas Attendant Disinterested in Work, Says Alarmed Boss.
Chief Justice Rehnquist- Don't Run With Scissors.
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