by Suz suzvoy@yahoo.com
Disclaimer - Paramount owns 'em.
Contains spoilers for the episode 'Timeless'.
*
I looked at you. It seemed as if you weren't real; you couldn't possibly be that pale. You were a statue, a fascimilie. You had to be.
You weren't.
She saw me look at you but I knew she understood. She understood all too well and for that I felt guilt. We'd had a physical relationship for the last four years and I cared for her deeply. I thought for a while that maybe she was the one. Maybe she was the one who was finally going to help me forget the memory of you, your smile, your face.
If I wanted to all I needed to do was close my eyes and you were waiting for me behind my lids. I remember easily the first moment we met and the last moment I saw you. The rest is a blurry collage of disgreements and laughter, self-preservation and hope. What stands out from that are the life-changing moments. New Earth, the Borg. Your fascination with coffee. I'm not sure why the last one qualifies as 'life changing'; I only know I haven't been able to touch a drop since you've been gone. I imagine you'd be horrified to learn that I'd gone without coffee for fifteen years. You'd probably blame yourself, coming back just to tell me to stop being so stupid and that I really should sleep more.
The echo of your voice still floated around the bridge. Once filled with activity, humour, action, sly comments. Family. She asked me if I was okay. My eyes were stinging.
"Yes. It's just...the last time I was in this chair they were all here." I gripped the edge of the arm rests drawing some imaginable support from the chair. "Alive." You loved your chair. I remember seeing you sitting down regally while dealing with some arrogant alien. I lost count of how many times you did it but it always had the same effect: they were scared.
Terrified.
You often had the same effect on me when you'd risk absolutely everything when it honestly wasn't necessary. You were far too fond of self-sacrifice. I don't think you've ever realised that.
She tried to reassure me as she sat down and touched my shoulder. I almost flinched. You used to touch me in this room, on these seats. "We're here to get them back." she reminded me, as if I was capable of forgetting.
I laughed at the thought and asked for the tricorder. As it began downloading I nearly leapt out of the seat, realising how much of a mistake it had been to sit in it in the first place. Silly really. For an inanimate object I felt it contained too much pain.
She made small talk in an attempt to lighten the mood. I appreciated it but I was somewhere too black, too dark to reciprocate the same for very long. "In just a few hours, if all goes as planned, we'll have changed history." I reminded her. "The past 15 years...erased." I looked at her, hoping she realised how big a sacrifice she'd making if this worked. "We don't have to do this."
"*Now* you tell me," she responded, rolling her eyes.
"I'm serious." I insisted.
She stared at me, almost angry. "So am I, and I have no intentions of backing out." Of course. She has your determination, your stubborness.
I turned away from her, wanting to speak but unsure of what words to use.
"Chakotay?" Her voice was warm, concerned.
"Look at me," I said, turning back. "Last minute jitters, cold feet...I don't know what to call it. Ridiculous, isn't it? After all these years, working toward this moment--and when it finally comes all I can think about is losing you." I'm terrified. What if this doesn't work? What if after everything Harry and I have been through to reach this moment doesn't end the way it should? What if it *does*? What will happen to her? Can I in good conscience treat her life and the millions of others who could be affected as if they don't matter?
Of course. Because I have a cause. I believe in this crew, in you. You were not supposed to die this way, of that I am absolutely certain.
"Your heart has always been here, on Voyager. That'll never change." She looked down as she spoke and the guilt was nearly overwhelming. "This is where you belong. And who knows? Maybe we'll meet someday." She took a step toward me.
"But if we don't?" I asked, moving forward.
"Then I'll miss you all the same."
We clasped hands and smiled and for just one moment I felt as if some of my responsibility had been lifted from my shoulders.
******
SWITCH
******
I looked up from my mushroom soup as someone beeped for entry. "Come in."
It was you. You looked pale, disturbed. I immediately began to stand, knowing you weren't here for an on-duty visit. "Kathryn..."
You held out your hand, silently telling me to stay seated. You didn't move when the doors closed behind you, staying just inside the doorway. "Harry told me about his message."
No preamble then. I placed my spoon on the table, interested. "What did it say?"
"You and he made it. Everyone else died." You lowered your voice and whispered. "*Everyone*." I saw you shaking your head. You were blaming yourself again. You were far too fond of self-sacrifice. I don't think you've ever realised that.
I wanted to stand and walk to you but knew that if I tried you'd retreat. Our private conversations were always set within your own set of rules, even now. Perhaps it was time for that to change. I couldn't give you any words of comfort; they wouldn't work because you had always been so intent on blaming yourself.
Instead I picked up my spoon again and pointed it at you. "Care to join me?"
It took you a few moments to realise what I was saying and that, yes, I did mean it. You stepped forward and sat cross-legged on the other side of the table. Taking the spoon from my hand you dipped it into the soup and tasted the substance with something approaching enthusiasm. Handing the spoon back to me, you rested your right elbow on the table and gazed through the viewport.
We spent the next five minutes in silence, sharing our meal and trying not to look at each other. You were swallowing your last spoon-full when you apparently came to your decision. You looked straight at me, opened your mouth, and spoke.
~FINIS
Turn to me with frozen lips
Your hands are icy cold
Your eyes burn bright against the frost-bit sky
You never seemed more lovely than you do tonight
Pale on the horizon
Like leaves frozen in the snow
Our two shadows merge inseparably
Will time stand still if it's pierced with cold
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you
There's a warmth in my heart
It haunts me when you're gone
Mend me to your side and never let go
Say 'Time knows nothing, we'll never grow old'
The more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
I love you
Twilight descends on our silhouette
How soon spring comes
How soon spring forgets
I wanna hold time, say it'll never begin
Old man winter be our friend
Old man winter be our friend
'Cause the more I live
The more I know
What's simple is true
What's simple is true
I love, I love you
Song words property of Jewel Kilcher