"Susan, you have a lump in your breast."
Eight words.
"April Fool's Day was yesterday", I thought as I looked up at the doctor in her starched white coat, my thoughts interrupted by my own "OUCH", as she poked and prodded and woman-handled me!
"You need a mammogram", she says as if telling me I need to go to the store for a loaf of bread. "Ha", I laugh, surely she jokes. They don't get any flatter than me! Let me just press up against a window, use binoculars, take a photo! You are asking the impossible of both woman AND machine!
And so it begins.
Today, the mammogram, the machine from hell, why did they have to do it so soon? Its whiteness, pristine and elegant, trying to look innocent, so many attachments, buttons, and other adornments trying to draw your gaze from the gaping maw that is the vise created by the devil himself.
I laugh nervously thinking how in a few moments I'll be hanging in a dead faint suspended in mid air by the clamp, my arms and legs dangling uselessly, my mere 100 pound weight held securely by practically the smallest part of my body. Oh... yeah...I forget, that part is growing. Wait, I'm Susan, I fear nothing!
Breasts! I wanted implants all my life, I wanted to be bigger, sexier, more desirable. We must be careful what we wish for, sometimes wishes really do come true! I've got a few others I'd rather have come true, but that's another tale! A lump was not exactly the implant I had in mind, I needed to have been more specific! "Dear WishFairy.....36 C's please". "Golly, Susan, I'm all out, take this tiny little critter instead!"
"Strip to the waist", she says. Modesty is taken from me as I stand bare-breasted in front of a perfect stranger. She quickly applies a sticker to my nipples, it looks like a pin head stuck in the center...spooky. She perfectly applies rings around my moles, "ring around the collar" I 'sing song' to alleviate my fear/nerves/hysteria. I joke about my size, how can they possibly mash what I have in that thing?
They can....perfectly!
First the left one, the one without an unwelcome visitor. Oh God, who invented this? It quickly becomes apparent that on the day you most need deodorant, how ironic that you were told not to wear any. "No deodorant, lotion, powder, or perfume", they said. Strong enough for a man but made for a mammo machine. Okay, that one is done, let's do the right one now. Did she REALLY say "now, that wasn't so bad now was it?" Did she really say that? Heck, I can hardly speak, much less ask stupid questions like that! :)
My newest little buddy lives here in the right one, already painful from being the object of the good doctor's HANDiwork the day before. I try to read the technician's name but it isn't visible through the misty tears in my eyes. How many hours do these seconds last?
"WHAT?" She has to do each one again, from another angle? Put your left arm above your head? Which IS my left arm? Are they tears in my armpits or sweat drops? Surely there is a better way? A man must have invented this!!! Evil thoughts sneak into my cranium.....I'd love to mammo his testicles right now!!!
"Okay", she says, let me go see if they 'took' okay. "HA", I laugh, "Didn't I tell you that you had only one chance. If you didn't get good pictures the first time, too bad!" She sees no humor in this at all.
So, I sit, trying to stay warm with a little paper jacket on, sticking my tongue out at the machine. Don't tell them but I kicked it too! Hard!
"Susan, you have a lump in your breast."
Eight words.
"Okay, Susan, you're done, you can leave now."
Again...Eight words.
Now we wait.......
I didn't call the doctor's office the next day.
Don't fuss, it seemed cool to just not care!
Besides, I had things to do, mostly cradle my poor aching gland! If a breast could walk, it would have done so with a limp! Had it had a mouth it would have drooled, if hands, they would have been gnarled, if eyes, then blind.....you get the picture!
PICTURE! Why didn't I take my camera to record the event? Another Kodak moment lost. Sigh!
I dreamed about big white machines chasing me down the road, I ran into the woods and climbed a tree! The machine started compressing the tree til I found myself on the ground. About that time I rolled over on my sore and aching friend and it woke me from the nightmare. I will never eat cadbury creme eggs before bed again, well maybe that's a never I'll reneg on.
I've totally convinced myself that all will be fine, but now it'll be Monday before the official word is spoken! "Susan, all is fine"... see, four words do half the work of eight in much better fashion.
Even so, they'll never see my smiling face or my boobs in that little room ever again! I thought torture chambers went out centuries ago. And they call this modern medicine! HEY, who are you calling a wimp?
You're right! :)
I finally found the puppy I'd been looking for. She's so sweet, cute, precious...all that and more! When I brought her home, my mother says, "Do you think this is wise with you needing surgery?" Ha Ha! She has me near death already! Worrywart! I named the puppy Josie and the lump Rufus! Every little thing should have a name!
The doctor calls...
Oh the miracles of witch doctor medicine! "Rufus" is a sweetheart! Won't give me a speck of trouble. But...HARK...they found there was his nasty twin brother in the LEFT one? SURPRISE!! Well...a sorta matching pair I guess. I've named it "Rastus"
Really? They want to do another mammo? NOT in this girl's lifetime! They'd better come up with a better description than 'asymetrical density', so what if it's 'suspicious in nature'. Something major will have to happen before I'd change my mind about another mammo! Something like the end of the world comes to mind! :) Hmmm...."suspicious in nature", three words....
Do you think a psychoanalyst would find it odd that I count my words now? Would he/she find it even odder that I make initials of them? "Suspicious in nature" S I N ...
Perhaps Rastus is my payment for my sins? Hey, I try real hard not to argue with God, and if he wants me to have this, have it I shall. Well decided then, that I shall keep him! My implant of sorts, my body...like it or lump it! Pun very much intended! :)
Love, Susan, Rufus, and Rastus :)
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Best of Pod
6/26/98 Diary of a Mammagram (Suzin) If you think "it can't happen to me" or "I'm only an A cup so I don't have to worry" then read this members candid journal of her personal experience with Breast Cancer. This is a page that is worth reading no matter what your age/lifestyle/economic status, etc. because it is from a real woman about a very real subject. Thank you, "S" for sharing your story with all of us... Pod Publishers |
