A few days ago, I decided, after careful reflection, that it was time to
wantonly destroy a scientific and archaeological resource of unparalleled
interest and antiquity.
In short, I decided to clean my oven, disposing in
the process of a layer of baked-on grunge and general guck apparently dating
back to around the 3rd century BC. No more hacking away at the accumulated
crud in a vain attempt to clear a space large enough to slip in a baking tray
every time I want to cook, no more mysterious cooking smells from whatever
I cooked in it the year before last.
A fresh start, a new leaf, a clean oven.
I reviewed my options. Two hours on my hands and knees with a chunk of wire
wool and some hot soapy water? Strictly for the birds. This is the 20th
century, and if it doesn't come in a can, I'm not interested.
So, down at the local supermarket, I picked the meanest-looking can of oven
cleaner I could find. I wasn't looking for something with new miracle
ingredients, I wanted something with attitude, and preferably, with a
police record.
Eventually, I decided on something which had a childproof cap (one of those
complicated things that are deliberately made so difficult to open that you
end up having to get the local seven-year old to do it for you) and a
gratifyingly lengthy set of warnings, approximately as follows:
"Switch off main power to your house and hide the matches four streets away.
Wear an air lock detox suit. Do not inhale, heck, don't even look at it
cross-eyed. Cover the floor with lead sheeting. Do not use near living
organisms or in populated areas. Shake can frequently. Praying doesn't hurt
either. Avoid contact with skin, eyes, clothing, and anything you'd like to
see again, including your oven. Will definitely cause severe irritation,
corrosion, lesions, bleeding from orifices and sterility. And that's just
for starters.
After use, hose down with water and bury under a mound of
boron and cement rubble. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Avoid breathing
while using the product and for four days afterwards. Remember your atropine
injection. Remember to make your will. Make one for your neighbors while
you're at it. Wash hands and exposed skin after use. It won't do any good,
but it'll give you something to do while you wait for your limbs to drop off.
If inhaled or swallowed, contact a priest immediately. Risk of serious damage
to just about anything you care to mention. Risk? Hell, call it a virtual
certainty - we don't mess about. Toxic, mutagenic, carcinogenic. Use of this
product in warfare has been declared illegal by all signatories to the Geneva
Convention. Contains several chemicals whose names you can neither spell or
pronounce but which sound pretty darn nasty anyway. Your statutory rights are
not affected.
In short, it sounded like just the kind of thing I was looking for.
So, bravely ignoring every single one of the sensible precautions that
they advised me to take I let rip on the oven. In a matter of minutes I had
filled it with so much white foam that it looked like arctic tundra.
OK, so it looked just like ordinary shaving foam, but I knew better. I knew
that while I went about my business on the far side of the country (just to
be on the safe side), its powerful ethanalomine cleansing action was busy
scouring the hard-to-shift grease and dirt from my oven. I knew that when I
came back (and once I'd got clearance from the National Radiological
Protection Board and the Ministry of the Environment to re-enter my kitchen), my oven would be so clean
that I could practically cook my dinner in it.
Well... the stuff is absolutely useless.
Experimental wiping at an exposed surface has revealed that when it comes to
shifting dirt, it's slightly less useful than a soiled napkin. It has made
not one whit of difference, and my oven is now full of crumbling white fluff
and flammable toxic fumes which will turn my kitchen into a cheap remake of
the Challenger disaster if I so much as switch the lights on.
I'd been had.
Nothing else to do but eat out for the rest of my life!
Hmmm...maybe I never had it so good??
This article was published in the June 5, 1998 issue of The Shore Journal