The Side
The following are excerpts from various American medical
journals. Most of which are pretty sick. (But all are supposedly True)
-INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a
20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never
expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During
the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a
dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control
was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in
bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and
the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained
to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic
dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table
to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an
epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's
member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the
head until she let go.
BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room
complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors
found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old
safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of
a CHICKEN explained that she inserted the chicken pieces,
convinced that they would grow into a baby.
SEX EDUCATION
A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal
pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she
wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked
why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied
-I'm not, I just lie there. When asked if she knew who the
father was, with a puzzled look she replied -No. Who?-
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe
pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that
they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A
nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did
not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip
out the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines
growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato
trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she
had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that
her uterus was falling out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his
penis. He complained that his wife had -a rat in her pussy- and
it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was
revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba,
he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some
erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it
sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun,he kept
using more and more. By the time he came to casualty, all the
blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had
ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe
painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity
in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while
it lasted, because it was going to be his last.
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her
vagina . She thought it might have something to do with the
diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. I followed
all the instructions to the letter, she told her doctor, and
used it with the jelly. When asked which kind of jelly she had
used, she replied Grape.
BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a
burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of
the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's
chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling
the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.
PET SHOP BOYS
In Salt Lake City, two men came into the ER. One had 'partial
thickness burns to the natal cleft'. The other had a singed
moustache and a broken nose. Investigating doctors found a live
gerbil in the first man's colon. The pair explained that they
tried to free it using a cardboard cylinder. Unable to see, the
second man lit a match to get a better view, which resulted in
substantial methane combustion.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from
the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up
with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell
was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal
squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the
shell before it could be removed.
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his
rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around
with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring
the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then
hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the rectum was
removed........................along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.