WHEN THEY SMILE, IT NEVER GOES TO THEIR EYES: Have you ever met one of these people? They come across all friendly and cheerful but when they flash that big, toothy smile that sparkles like a chain of pearls, ever notice it doesn't reach their eyes? If a smile doesn't crinkle the corners of the eyes and all you see is teeth, beware! Phony!

THEY DON'T MEET YOUR EYES WHEN THEY SPEAK TO YOU, INSTEAD THEY STARE PAST YOUR SHOULDER OR AT YOUR CHEST: If you're a woman, you'll know exactly what I mean. There's nothing more disconcerting than having an individual stare steadfast at your breasts. It takes all resistance not to look down and check to see if you've grown a third one! I have an aunt who sits and stares at your crotch, this is even freakier! Then there are the people who stare over your shoulder. You look back to see what's there and it's nothing. Are they seeing spirits or what? Phony!

THEIR HANDSHAKE LINGERS A BIT TOO LONG AND THEY SQUEEZE TOO HARD: Nothing detects a phony quicker or more accurately than The Handshake. Have you ever had a member of the opposite sex shake your hand and it lingers to a point of discomfort? You find yourself wondering if this person is coming on to you or something. Then, of course, there are those who squeeze your hand so damn hard, you swear your fingers will break! Look out - if a handshake is overzealous - you've got yourself a phony!

THEY USE YOUR NAME AT THE END OF EVERY SENTENCE: Nothing irks me more than to have someone say my name at the end of every sentence. "How are you, Carol Ann? Have you been working hard, Carol Ann? What do you think, Carol Ann? Want some potatoes, Carol Ann?" You get the picture, I'm sure. If someone finds it necessary to do this, they're a complete and utter phony! Extra bonus phony points if they write this way, too!

THEY HUG YOU THE FIRST TIME THEY MEET YOU: Now, this one can be a bit touchy (pardon the pun). In SOME instances, this is acceptable - say it's a pen/email pal you're meeting for the first time, okay, that's fine. Or your grandmother's best friend, or something along that line where an embrace seems in order. However, if it's a COMPLETE stranger you are meeting for the first time and they sweep you up in a big bear hug, look out! It screams PHONY!

THEY MAKE A POINT OF SPEAKING ON THEIR CAR PHONE, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE ONLY DRIVING TO THE CORNER STORE: People who do this are only doing one thing - demonstrating to you how IMPORTANT their lives are compared to yours. They're just SO busy, there's SO much to do, and the fact that they allowed time for you is a privilege to you. You'd best be grateful! Applaud them when they're on their car phone, they are very special people! Puh-lease! PHONY PHONY PHONY!

FOR WOMEN - THEY USE FAR MORE HAIRSPRAY THAN NECESSARY, THEY SMELL LIKE ROSES, AND THEIR NAILS ARE LONG AND CURVED WITH A YELLOWISH TINGE: Not a word of lie here, think about it! Phony women just have this "look" and "smell" to them that you notice right-off! They look like some sort of mannequin, you'd think if you hit them over the head with a brick, they would shatter into a million pieces! And take a look at their fingernails, if they're not painted a dull, lifeless pink, they're all yellow and curved, DESPITE their weekly manicures. I tend to believe that spotting a phony chick is much easier than a phony man!

THEY SPEAK IN A FAST & PRECISE MANNER, EMPHASIZING EVERY SYLLABLE OF EVERY WORD: You know the type I mean, they over-enunciate to the point where you want to bash them across the face and demand they shut their yapping mouth! They know everything about everything and you'd better be impressed with all they have to say! Don't dare share in the conversation, just sit and listen to them brag. Don't worry if you're hard of hearing, they'll speak loudly and clearly enough for you to hear every word! Ugh - Phony!

THEY BRUSH OVER EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY BUT CAN TALK FOR TWO HOURS ABOUT THEIR NEW ANTIQUE COFFEE TABLE: These are the types of people who think you're really interested in hearing every detail about their most recent purchase. So what if you've been invited to go up in the space shuttle, you've found the cure for Diabetes, you've won a gold medal at The Olympics...the important thing is they bought something nice and you're darn well gonna sit and listen, your mouth hanging open in awe as you exclaim, "Oh, Really?". You'll wish so badly that you were them! PHONY!

THEY FEEL FREE TO DISCUSS THEIR ANNUAL INCOME TO YOUR FACE AND REVIEW THE PRICE OF EVERY ITEM THEY OWN: I really despise this type of person! They think it's your right to know what they earn in a year. Heck, they earn more than you, you should be in awe! They spent more on a vase in the living room than you did on your entire living room suite! If you're going to see their new house for the first time, be sure to wear comfy shoes - the tour will take at least four hours. Not only are you viewing their new home, you're also going to learn right down to the exact penny what they spent on each and every item...PHONY!