People say the darndest things and ain't that the truth? And I'm sure, just like me, you've heard some real gems in your time. I would like to share with you mine. Unless otherwise indicated, quotes will remain anonymous...so don't even ask...

"Jodie Foster certainly didn't make it on account of her looks..."

My mother came out with this one. We're sitting watching, what is in my opinion, one of the greatest movies of all time (Contact), and it's the scene where Jodie attends the Presidential ball wearing that velvet gown, cleavage out to here, her hair done up nice; if you've seen the film, you know the scene I mean. And my mother comes out with this comment! If Jodie Foster is what my mother considers UGLY, then as soon as I'm done here, I'm climbing under a rock and staying there the rest of my life!

"So, you guys meet on the third Thursday of every month? Then, I guess I'll see you May 2nd..."

Okay, either this person doesn't know how a month works or they're just plain stupid. I was literally floored when I heard this. Even after I restated that WE MEET THE THIRD THURSDAY OF EACH MONTH, she said, "So, we meet the 1st week of May, right?" ARRRRGGHHHH!!! And to top things off, the very same week she repeated this to my boyfriend. Alrighty, whatever...remember this in the future, folks, the third Thursday of the month usually falls sometime during the first 2 weeks. I guess I've had it wrong all these years!

"I ain't never gonna cut no grass no more..."

How many double negatives can one fit into a sentence? My dad was more than happy to give it a shot! My mother and I have never let him live this one down! It was one of those simmering hot and humid August days and he'd just finished cutting the lawn. He comes in the house, dripping with sweat, loudly declaring: "I AIN'T NEVER GONNA CUT NO GRASS NO MORE!" Maybe I'm being a little cruel here; I guess in hindsight, this is more funny than stupid! Still, I had to pad out my Top Ten, so here it is for your enjoyment, too!

"Can someone break into your computer when it's in a sleeping state?"

EEK! I've always wondered what that loud snoring is that I hear coming from my study every night! As visions of gigabytes and peripherals dance thru my hard drive's head, people are breaking into my system and stealing my phone list and my Mahjongg high scores! Is NOTHING sacred???

"I know I should quit smoking and that it causes heart disease and cancer, but, dammit, I ENJOY smoking!"

So, a few moments of joy, blackening your lungs and turning your skin yellow, is worth a little cancer, is it? Gee whiz, I think I'll take up smoking tomorrow! Sounds like a blast!

"...you planted your ass on my sofa and left used tampons in my garbage, talk about class!"

Well, for starters, it is quite obvious that this individual knows NOTHING about women! We NEVER toss our tampons in the garbage, that's just plain disgusting. APPLICATORS, on the other hand - have any of you girls tried flushing one of these babies (even though it says on the box that you can)? They blow up to the size of a toilet paper roll and clog the toilet! So, while the majority of women opt to store their applicators in the refrigerator instead, we of the more adventurous spirit, wrap them in paper and toss them in the garbage. I suppose we should know better. I stand corrected!

"My doctor said women should NEVER use soap 'down there'!"

Ummmm...I'm scared to even touch this one...NEXT!

"The reason why I smoke is to prevent a stress-related heart attack..."

Wow, talk about pulling excuses out of a hat! So, smoking is actually a HEALTHY choice! That clinches it for me! To get pleasure out of life AND prevent an early death, take up smoking! Finally, the answer I've been waiting for! Pardon me, I'm off to buy me a carton of Black Cats right now!

"...< gasp>...our dog NEVER goes for walks because of germs! We even carry him thru the halls of our son's apartment building!"

I always wondered why every dog-owner I've ever known has had their dog drop dead on them the first time they take them out on a leash! Finally - the mystery is solved! That common cold and flu will get your dog every time! The paw pads, especially, are susceptible to the germs layering our streets! So, throw out your leashes immediately, folks! All those people who have walked their dogs for all these thousands of years are WRONG! For the health of your beloved pet - do NOT walk them EVER again - no matter how much they love it! Note: the second-hand smoke from three chain-smokers, however, is absolutely acceptable for your pet!

...and the STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD...

"Do ambulances have square tires?"

Yes, someone ACTUALLY asked this question. No, they weren't joking, they were dead serious (pardon the pun)! They directed this towards my sweetheart, who works in a hospital, figuring he'd have the answer they were seeking! We have toyed with theories as to why an ambulance might have square tires - for plowing its way through the snow in winter, to restart the stopped hearts of its passengers, etc. But last time I checked, I believe tires were round, am I correct in this observation? And so, this is, by far, the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard!

BONUS

Alright, I have a bonus one for you! I admit, I've been known to come out with a few gems of my own, but the one that no one ever lets me live down is this:

One afternoon my fiance and I were walking down the street. It was a lovely spring day and I look over to see a fat, healthy robin. So, what's the first thing out of my mouth? "Oh, look how fat she is! She must be pregnant!"

Somewhere along the way, I forgot that robins lay eggs....