"YOU ARE A ROSE"

"You are a rose, that has to be tended and cared for, kept warm in the winter and allowed to see the sunshine of the summer.
You need feeding when you are weak, healing when you are ill.
Given space to spread your petals, room to grow as the world turns.
Most of all your beauty and perfume has to be cared for and appreciated and not to be lost and taken for granted that you will always appear year on year, when in fact if you are taken for granted your petals will lose their shape, their edges will discolor and, one by one they will fall to the ground, until only the stem remains, that will slowly wither and die until the roots are no more and all that is left
is an empty place in the world." N.D.(U.K.)

This was written for me by the dearest man and truest friend in my life. He wrote it to help me through an extremely low time in my life. He, too, has suffered abuse and knows how low one can get at times. He wouldn't let me feel alone. He called everyone, e-mailed everyone he knew in my family and all my friends on the internet and had them all call me and send me e-mail, as he knew I was about to give up the fight. It is a fight. That's why we can call ourselves survivors, because we fight to live, to overcome all obstacles. We become stronger and stronger each time we win just one battle, no matter how big or small. If we give in to the challenger, which in most cases, is only ourselves, we are defeated, and we die. But, not only do "we" die, we leave, as he says, "an empty place in the world", that only we can fill.

In your darkest, hardest times, when it seems impossible to go on, and impossible to think even one positive thought, force yourself to think of just ONE thing you have to be thankful for. Even if it's only for being able to breathe air! Even if it's only that you have someone out here who knows exactly how you feel, eventhough, that's hard to believe....but it's true. Talk to me! In my darkest time, I felt selfish and scared. But because I've allowed myself to talk to others, people I've not even met face-to-face, yet, such as on the internet, I now have friends who understand and they are there when I need someone most.

It's reciprocated, because, even those who help us, sometimes still face dark and depressing times, as well, and if we aren't here for them, as they were for us, then we've deprived them of the gift they gave us. Maybe there wouldn't be another like me or N.D. to help, if we didn't talk and we just gave up. Remember, you were put here on this earth for a very good reason. We may wonder what that reason could be while we're hurting and we feel we're wearing a neon sign that flashes, "Kick Me Again, I'm already down!"

I used to feel sorry for myself, too. It's the easiest thing in the world to do, when you've been raised to be a victim! But, now, I look at our sad world, and the unhappiness, the terrible things that happen to us, our children. It's so painful, but when those people end up at my door, crying because they just found out that their daughter has been molested by her father, or a girl comes to me, with the signs of abuse and finds it easy to talk to me when she couldn't trust anyone else, then I realize that if I hadn't gone through all the horrible abuses that I did, if I'd not experienced what these poor people have just been faced with or been living with and hiding for a while, who could they have gone to? I was put here, and I suffered unspeakable abuses, sexually, and mentally, by my father, and others in my family, and physical and emotional abuse by my mother, because "someone" had to be here and able to empathize with the others who would follow, and help them through it all and to gain strength to go on, to overcome, to survive, and LIVE, as I'm an example. I'm no better, maybe just stronger willed and have a strong spirit of faith in God.

Some people wonder why God would allow things like this to happen to little children. We, the abused children, actually are special beings. We become strong survivors and are more apt to overcome most adversities set before us, where others would crumble. We've learned survival techniques on our own. No one taught us! We just knew we had to protect the family, even if it meant sacrificing our own selves, our own morals, forgetting for the moment the standards our parents "spoke"of to us. We became "martyrs" for the sake of keeping peace and protecting the family unit.

In my case, not wanting to hurt or lose my mother, no matter how harsh she was. Not wanting anyone to know the shameful secrets of my sick father, as he was looked up to and admired by many in the community.

And, speaking of my mother, she was in the middle of that vicious cycle of abuse. It wasn't her fault that she was so radical and harsh on us, as she had been raised under yet, even worse conditions, being physically and mentally abused herself, by her father, a Preacher! She grew up believing God did not love her. Yet, with this, this wonderful woman, who bruised and punished me violently and unfairly at times, had also been beaten, but beyond that, she was constantly hounded under the Religious Nazi-istic Regime of my Grandfather's rule! God must hate her, as she was not perfect and good, and she was the reason her father, my grandfather, was so miserable in his own life, so he told her. This man, whose own mother was abusive, as was her mother before her, had inflicted the worst kind of pain onto his daughter, making her believe that NO ONE, including God loved her. That she was the reason for his unhappiness, as she had been born only two days after he married her mother. Because of her, he was trapped in an unhappy marriage.....it was all HER fault! She paid the price.But, it wasn'ther fault. He still to this day, even in his eighty's, makes her feel the same way. She's never good enough, never does anything right, and she still sometimes succombs to this abuse and withers up inside herself. The up-side? She has been and is in counselling and because of this, she and I are able to talk about the abuse and understand and forgive and love each other even more. She also is able to let most of what my Grandfather says to her roll off her back now, but it still stings.

I love my mother dearly. I hated her at times, but, she's recognized what she did and why. Just as I had done with my first child. The unfortunate thing in both cases, is that Mom never realized it until we were grown and had made her a grandmother several times over. Better late than never, in this case.

However, although I realized what was happening to me while I was beating my first child when she was small, and I stopped, she still continues the abuse cycle, but by hurting herself and others, rather than her children. She has yet to recognize this, but I know with God's love and my prayers, one day, she will understand and be regretful. I only pray it happens before it's too late, one way or another and she seeks and gets help.

My two younger children never experienced abuse, aside from maybe one or two flashbacks that resulted in an unexpected outburst of anger. Even though, that in itself can be damaging.
Thank God, I realized what I was doing and stopped myself and apologized immediately. They still have not forgotten those isolated incidents, but, because I made a conscious effort to stop the cycle of abuse, they have turned out to be two wonderfully well-balanced and loving adults. They would never hurt anyone, it's not in their nature, nor was it in their upbringing.

Just realize that we are each a cog in the wheel that keeps going and going, until one cog falls out, and the cycle stops! We have to make a conscious decision to put a stop to it...to fall out of the cycle. Then do the best we can to heal ourselves, to love, and to forgive our abusers. It's not easy. Hate comes easier for some people, but as my mother always told me, it's a wasted emotion. You only waste your own energy and hurt yourself when you hate, because the other person doesn't feel a thing. So, stop hating them and stop hating yourself!