A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the bartender in the foot. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! You just shot my bartender and you didn't pay for your sandwich! Who do you think you are?!?" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager rushes to his dictionary...

"pan*da n. (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) A rare, mountain dwelling
mammal of China and Tibet, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on those of a British background, which he was. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and
fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE
MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND IIIIIIIIIIII DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUUUUUN IN
TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to bloody walk home..."

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinite because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction;it is more common than proper; it is spoken applicable to all
Prof. Of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.


LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

A very shy guy goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

There is a house fly flying over a river and under water there is a fish saying to itself, "If that fly drops 4 inches I will jump up and eat it."
While the fish is thinking this, a cat on the shore is saying to itself, "If that fly drops 4 inches and that fish jumps up to eat it, I will grab the fish and have a feast."
Well, the fly only drops 3 inches and the fish dosen't jump high enough to get it, and because of the the cat misses the fish and falls into the water.
The moral of the story is: When ever a fly drops 3 inches a pussy always gets wet!

PUNJAB COLLEGE EXAMINATION QUESTION PAPER
[this one's a little difficult than last year's]

21. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5 ??
( ) YES
( ) NO
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

22. Write the full form of ASAP As Soon As Possible.
_________________

23. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) PUNJAB

24. What is the capital of india ?
( ) DeLhi
( ) DELhi
( ) DELHI

25. a,e,i,o and u are collectively called "vowels". what are
e,a,i,o
and u called ?

26. Fill in the blank :
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING

27. Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

28. What comes first ?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omlet

29. can you count more than five using your hands ?
( ) YES
( ) NO

30. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

31. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter

32. Car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are located
100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have ?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven

33. To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many
buttons would you press in the elevator ?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE

34. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

35. This one tests your imagination.
SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because.........
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) i do not have any time left to think on this one.

Your feedback counts..................(please do not write how many
times)
I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as
( ) 8
( ) 9
( ) 10
[NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult]

Number of times I flipped a coin
( ) 35
( ) 70
( ) I forgot to bring my coin so I bluffed and prayed for good
luck.

Two sardarjis stayed in the same building. One on the first floor and the other one on the eight floor. Both were great enemies. One day the sardarji on the eight floor thought to befool the one on the first floor. He invited him for dinner. When the sardarji reached
the eight floor, he found his door locked and a board at his door " Kaisa bewkoof banaya " (how have I befooled you). Sardarji felt embarrased and to outplay him, he wrote down: " Main to yaha aya hi nahi tha " (I didn't come here) . Later on seeing the note, Sardarji on eighth floor said "Sala bach gaya iss bar !"


______________________________________________________

Good girls and bad girls !!!!

Differences between good girls and bad girls. ***

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of
pearls. *Bad girls think they're fullu dressed with just a strand of
pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'



______________________________________________________

Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft"

______________________________________________________
It's a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will
pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one
dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle
instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let
her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
it.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are alot
more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy and
plump women.

An Indian Vs. A Pakistani.
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each
other.

The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in
his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an
egg
in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the
Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told
him
that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finaly the Indian said, "In my family
we
normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the
balls
and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you
kick
me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever
gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest
pair
of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the
Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.
The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony
for
30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to
kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a
different answer."

Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed

Q: How do you keep a surd busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear]

Q: Why do surds wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his
ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during
parades.

Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a surd a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain?
A: Gifted

Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you see when you look into a surd's eyes?
A: The back of his head.

Q: Why can't surds put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a surd in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it]

Q: Whats the difference between a Surd and a Supermarket Trolley?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A surd parade.

Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELIEVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."

A surd was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign
that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to
himself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On his way home the same surd drove past another sign that said
"Clean
Restrooms 8 MILES".
By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.

What is a jiving Sardar called?
Breakdan Singh.

A sardar with single strand of hair: Ek-bal Singh.



______________________________________________________

A girl is having sex for the first time. Her mother says to her, "If
you have any questions come down and ask me." The girl then
goes upstairs and finds the guy taking off his shirt. She runs
dowstairs and yells, "Mom he has hair on his chest!"
The mother says "That is just a manly sign." So the girl
goes back upstairs to find the guy taking off his pants. She runs
downstairs and yells, "Mom, he has hair on his legs!" The
mother says, "Oh, that is just a manly sign.& So
the girl goes back and finds him taking off his socks. She counts
five toes on one foot and three toes on the other. She runs
downstairs yelling, "Mom. he has a foot and a half!" The
mother says, "Move over this is a job for Momma!"