By the time September 1986 rolled around I had a major adjustment problem. As a result many obsessions which would control me to this very day had begun to set in.

I was unble to handle the sharp contrast I was encountering and as a result I was willing to go to any length to make people like me... I did not have to like you, but if you did not like me I was going to find a way to fix it.

As a result I did many things. I did follow my heart by being in drama, but in most areas I was a fraud. I had such self-loathing... that I would go home and just beat the living day lights out of myself... because I was not happy with myself... I also became blumic... not many people knew... because I was not a stick... but I would binge and purge... be it with laxatives, vommitting or exercize.

I went to summer school every year so that I would graduate a year early. I felt if people thought I was smart they would need me... as a result I got used alot... especially in math... and then in English when we were doing poetry. I was right they did need me... but I ended up resenting tem. I allowed people to copy my work so I might feel that they liked me, yet outside of school work they'd turn thier noses up at me.

I did other things such as joing groups such as Interact that all the COUNTRY CLUB KIDS joined.. I really hated it... the only time I enjoyed it was when we would goto Pasadena every Christmas to help decorate the Rotary float for the Rose Parade. Another group I joined was S.A.D.D. yes.. I did say in the previous section that I became an alcoholic/drug addict.... so I felt like a fraud... but it was the KOSHER thing to do. To be honest I was in too many clubs to recall them all. I ran for secertary of Student Council.. I think I would have been really good... but as usual I was not a COUNTRY CLUB KID so I lost by a landslide.

Then came sports... I really abused my body physically ... where most people would stop with just sports my friend JoAnn and I would exercize for hours and hours every evening also. God only knows how much I hated sports... but I wanted a dumb ass red and gold PD to put on a stupid jacket I can not even stand to look at anymore. I feel like it is a display of all my facades. The sport I earned my letter in was one I hated the most.... Cross Country.... I never finished in the top 5 in any race. infact I was usually dead last,and a lot of people made fun of me.. but I wanted my letter... I always finished and I never quit. In many inventationals I was the only reason our team got medals... you had to have a certain number of people finsh the race to qualify for team positions and I always finished you could count on me... Once again they needed me and I resented them. By the end of my sophmore year alot of team mates knew how much I hated it it and wrote in my year book... to keep it up, that I was a part of the team, and not to listen to those people who made fun of me because they were not even out there trying.

My Junior Year was also my Senior year. I was begining to live without alcohol and drugs for the first time in years... I isolated myself alot... It was a way to keep people from rejecting me... Durring this year I became yet another statistic... I became a teen mother... I transfered to a teen mother school near by and graduated in 1989 instead of 1990... 6 months prgenant and 9 months clean and sober.