(I was looking forward to getting a working batch of weekend entries, considering that the last batch had been sucked into cyberspace and the previous batch I'd been working on had the animated text from hell...Alas, that was not to be.)

(I got the batch via an attached file - download it, edit it, and no problem, right? Fine...or so I thought.)

(You ever get the message "That file is no longer readable or is unavailable to your file account" when trying to download a file? Well, that's what I got for this weekend's batch of entries...I couldn't download it - end of discussion. In other words, I didn't even have a chance to test out the strength of those new hair implants I got from the last hair pulling
incident...)

(Thankfully, this first batch of the New Year went without a hitch, and that's what you've been reading below these Random Tales Of Woe. Makes you want to throw a shoe at the TV whenever you hear one of those irritating AOL commercials with the Jetson's music (lucky for my TV I don't have terribly great aim...))



My Friend Alanis wants to say something: Ello Mi Mane Is Atlantis An I Leeve Neck Dore. (That's not really Her) (SIM Being)

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I have no friends, but I do have a dog that pees on my foot. (Funnytime)

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I put myself on my buddy list, so i'll always no when i'm online....but then AOL screwed up and my name disappeared. Needless to say, i was confused as a rabbit at a Pearl Jam concert (that was supposed to be funny, cause why would a rabbit be at a pearl jam concert....he wouldn't and that's why he'd be confused and why it should have been funny, aww shucks) AOL said i wasn't online, how could that be? So i started feeling myself, you know, to make sure i was still here by the computer and it kinda felt nice for a while, but then i realised that i must be here. So i decided that if i existed, AOL must not. This is the kind of rationale that started Vietnam, but anyway....i further speculated that i was the only ONE who existed and that the world in itself was a complete lie.....I ran outside naked, thinking that nobody could see me cause nobody existed....this got my arrested...and after many moments in the drunk tank, i came to my senses. That i don't even like myself...so i took my name off my buddy list. Now i have no friends. (Tocadisco)

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silly people, don't watch me suck my toes (PJVanWerf)

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so i say to myself,"self---what ARE you doing in a dead end job like this???????" and I did not answer myself for i WAS SLEEPING. (PJVanWerf)

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I would really like some entries to be posted. (MissScully)

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Auto Repair Service. Try us once and you'll never go anywhere again. (MOSHALOT)

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Our Bikinis are exciting. They are simpily the tops!! (MOSHALOT)

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BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEER!BEEER!BEEEER!BEEEEER!BEEEEEER!BEEEEEEER!BEEEEEEEER!BEEEEEEEEER!BEEEEEEEEEER!, said young Billy with a crazed look in his eye. (BOLT4518)

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I dedicate this to my audience, without whom I would only be myself. (BOLT4518)

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TURDS

The Turds were never accepted in this country because of their name. The Turds, or people from Turdsmania, were people of healthy stock. They were tall, with long straight hair; the men were robust, the women bold and beautiful. The first Turds arrived on these shores in 1589, one year after the defeat of the Spanish Armada. They were unjustly blamed for the defeat of the Spanish fleet when a Spanish admiral remarked, "No wonder we lost, we had a bunch of turds managing our cannons!" When finally in America, they had trouble with lodgings. Most boarding houses had a sign on the door which said, "NO TURDS." The Turdsmen naturally interpreted it as saying, "No people from Turdsmania, please." They consequently felt rejected as would any Turd. Even those who decided to return to Turdsmania had a hard time going back. Once on the boat, they would ask, "Where do the Turds stay?" And a mate would inncoently reply, "Why, in the can, sir," thinking it was some kind of Navy test. The Turdsmen would spend the rest of the trip huddled in the men's room. Once back in the homeland, however, their lot became a happier one. Each man and woman could pass each other on the street and proudly say, "I'm a Turd." (BOLT4518)

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my grandma wears bikini underwear, gross. why did she tell us that at the christmas dinner table? (Crtnylvr)

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...cleanup in my bathroom tomorrow (MRosenques)

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Do you think the Butt Hole Surfers are dirty when they're finished playing? (Whib)

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"Get Your Hand Outta' THERE!!!!!" (Dian4peace)

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I forgot to take my Prozac the past few weeks and now I am finally focused on the task at hand - getting rid of the ex-husband. i can finally hear the voices clearly. (Dawn619645)

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" Kill Rachel Poop Head"
(JL Boy 1)

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The most famous of all latin quotes
he most famous of all latin quotes
ego erdo caesus sum"
eat cheese therefore I exist! (MrSoccer99)

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You know, I sat down thinking that I was going to type something completely random, but it hasn't worked out that way, because this thought just popped into my head, yes, just popped in there, and it wasn't random... it had something to do with frogs which is great but I really don't know why because I LIKE frogs but the only ones I know are a few of my teachers who have this nasty tendency to croak anytime they read one of my papers, I mean, it's not like they're dying or anything because I'm just another tadpole in the fishpond of life, but I really wish they'd just get off their high waterlilly and swim around like the rest of us, because the pollution is awful, and the republicans seem set on making it WORSE--no, I'm not kidding, they sit around all day and BOND, their idea of group bonding basically consists of swigging milk straight out of the jug while agreeing to place restrictions on the endangered species act, which makes me VERY upset because I happen to like animals and in fact have a Dog and a cat, Dog is capitalized and cat is not because my cat woke me up at 3 am this morning batting my nose which you may find amusing but I really didn't and it made me do something weird, which means I had this compulsive urge to sign onto AOL just for absolutely no reason at all, it was completely random, and go somewhere where something could make me laugh, which nothing did until I saw a contest with absolutely NO rules and said, 'Hey, alllll right, a contest with no rules--I think I'll enter," so I did and that's why someone is reading this right now, at least I assume they are, are you someone reading this or is this a computer, if it's a computer, then /return button self destruct--no I really didn't mean that, people with self-destructive tendencies can be scary and I'm not trying to scare anyone, goodness knows it was scary enough to wake up this morning and realize, oh my goodness it's December 30th..... that date just sounds important, don't you agree--well you don't HAVE to agree, but it would be nice, only nice people agree with me, so if you want to be a nice person you won't give me a hard time because I'm using all these commas, just be glad I'm not using the dreaded SEMI COLON, yes, that's right, the DREADED semi-colon, hey, HEY , HEYHEYHEYHEY, I'm running out of room, I thought this was a random contest and I could write as much as I wanted, STOPIT;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; (Laninaia01)

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Is this the Heckler's Complaint Box? (Laninaia01)

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Arrrrrrrrr!!!... So there we were... 1,000 to 2. The toughest 2 we ever fought! (Nokmar3)

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So why did Ken cross the road with the chicken? to light up Barbie's sex life (Chess1640)

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He who laughs last, thinks slowest! (SChurch911)

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My word, this whole random business... Rather chaotic, isn't it? (Trosk2)

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I understand that 7-Up has no caffiene. At least, that's what they tell me. Hey, I don't make this stuff up. (Trosk2)

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***IMPORTANT*** The guy who does the voice of Sesame Street's Elmo is a big black man without any hair. Dave Barry is not making this up. (Trosk2)

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The code is a blue moose ate a big fish on the booger hill by the bay and strawberry bushes. SHHHHHHHSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (TruLibra17)

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Do I just pick something random to say? (TruLibra17)

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The killer cabbage patch dolls scare me. (TruLibra17)

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The Random Game will now be updated randomly. I'm typing in the date to see how long this takes. I urge you all to date your entires. 31 December 1996 (Joey Riley)

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Oops, I think I said "entires" when I meant "entries". Date your entries, not your entires. 31 December 1996 (Joey Riley)

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Wait...what screen name am I using? (Joey Riley)

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Damn, forgot to date it. Ack! I'm on the wrong SN! 31 Dec 96 (Joey Riley)

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Well, it gives you a mystery to solve...who is this strange and mysterious Joey Riley...is it Tocadisco? Is it Mr. Onliner? Could it even be renilnO .rM? 31 Dec 1996 (Joey Riley)

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Could it even be Biochick1??? 31 Dec 1996 (Joey Riley)

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hey, if online is one word, shouldn't the stuff be "AO?" if not, shouldn't this stuff be "HOL?" (Fuzzysheep)

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this game sucks because i didn't win. (Mscraps)

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no gramer, so majic ponys (Fuzzysheep)

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the above was the most random sentance in the whole wide wrold (Fuzzysheep)

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i don't bother corrsedecting my spelling i n the random game (Fuzzysheep)

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I was just sitting here thinking to myself... Why is it that everytime I log on I feel compelled to come here first...I mean really what is it about this area that we all feel we have to come back here day after day.. You know what it is....its them damn shiny tokens thats what it is...If it wasnt for them damn shiny tokens I would lead a normal life...I mean I normally log on and go straight to downloading dirty pictures or harassing people in the chat rooms or maybe a browse a little through the members picture gallery for a REAL laugh...damn tokens we would all be better off without them. (ToddG03)

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My cat ate Bob Dole! (User376649)

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=^,,^= Meow! (User376649)

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BUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPP!!! (User376649)

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purrrrrrrrr (User376649)

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happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year happy new year. . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! p.s. I hope your new year really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really............................................................ SUCKS LIKE THIS CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @aol.com (Tbird23)

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My name is Iningo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to Die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Clever1600)

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JUST WHO THE HECK DO YOU HAVE TO KILL TO GET TOKENS?? THE ONLINE HOST?? STEVE CASE?? I WANT TOKENS AND I WANT THEM NOW!!!! (OH, GREAT, NOW IF STEVE CASE ENDS UP HANGING IN A LOCKER SOMEWHERE WITH AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH AND THE LYRICS TO "ANGEL OF DEATH" PRINTED ACROSS HIS SHAVED CHEST, I'M GONNA GET BLAMED FOR IT!!) (EvilClaws)

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I hat to tell you, but my karma ran over your dogma. Sorry. Guess in my next life I'll be a turnip or something. (Spongewthy)

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How does a shelf salesman prevent his store from looking empty? (Spongewthy)

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When it rains, do cotton fields shrink? (Spongewthy)

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When you open a bag of cotton balls, do you have to throw the one on top away? (Spongewthy)

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Wow, I made the winner's circle, i'm very happy...i'd like to thank the Academy....of Military Instructiveness, for teaching me (actually beating into me) the ideals of structure and discipline...it is through those beliefs that i am not sane...i'd also like to thank all those who have supported me in the last few years, Izzo, (the late, great) Biochick, and Magic Clams (who recently told me i was improving). Thanks to boldletterguy, who gave me a poor tocadisco a shot at writing bold comments when nobody would give me the time of day. (I'd like another shot at it, purty please) It was a wonderful year for all...surely what will stand out for me was getting my larynx pierced..wasn't pleasant but i enjoyed the free ice cream.... (Tocadisco)

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An experiment. This post is dated 12/31/96 @ 1:11PM. I am also mailing a package to my friend in Beirut. Let's see who will win the race. Will the message be posted before Salahm receives his bowl of fruit that i sent first class? Hmmm.....only time will tell. (Tocadisco)

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A clean slate? this looks more like a empty box....oh well. My entry is a little story about a man and a woman. This story is actually true. One day while the man was at a play rehersial he relized that he was begining to like this woman whom he had to work with. This man and woman were little players in their highschool production of "Fiddler on the roof." On opening night the man put his hand through a plate glass window and cut his wrist by accident. The play went on with out him and he was worried if the woman would forgive him for not being there to assist her in the play. On the following night he arrived with more than enough time for costume change, and sought out the woman. when she saw the man, she kissed him and then hit him. The next two nights went with out a hitch, execpt the man fell deeply in love with the woman, but was unsure of how to tell her. A week after the play he decided it was now or never so he asked her out. She said yes as he left for a band compettion in Florida (He planned it that way just incase she said no.) It has taken two years for that man to relize that he has found the right person and that he wants to spend his life with her.

I just want to say for the record, "I love you Heather McKinnon."...Bill
So that's my entry.
Bilkaven@AOL.com (Bilkaven)

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o/ /| / > (WILSONTED)

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Who wants Trident? ........I said who wants Trident?? ........ASWERMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (PhroZak)

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Why do you people keep "dissing" PBS? Barney is such a good show! (Coolkid109)

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I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do here so I will just ramble on. My name Jack it Off I was born in Nashville Alaska. for some reason everybody I know calls me dumb. Anyway up in alaska I enjoy swimming in the caspian sea especially in the winter. I also enjoy reading but I can't figure out why the print the words upsidedown. My friends and I have a great game they get out a frozen juice container and the they tell me to stare at it because it says concentrate when they laugh I guess I'm supposed to laugh with them but when I do they just look at me funny. That's all for know I going to I get to go water skiing in colorado along with my friends. (JoAnn1980)

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if my next door neighbor keeps coming into my yard to point and laugh at my dog, should I be concerned? (Krazyk242)

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There are no potato chips left in my house. I am mighty pissed. (Krazyk242)

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have we all been good little boys and girls? (Krazyk242)

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OJ can stand for other things than orange juice:
oven jumper
open jar
old jelly
oak jam
oprah jacks
only joking (Krazyk242)

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(CBsurf59)

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I . . . am . . . in-in-injured . . . can't . . . type . . . at . . . normal rate! (Nyello)

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My computer does not work correctly, I can't even get the thing started! pLEASE e-mAIL ME WITH SOME HELP. (Nyello)

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What the hell is this? (SWeinst101)

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I have a problem, my pants, they . . . they disintegrate as soon as I put them on! Consiquently, I am exposing my manliness everywhere I go! And, everyone points and laughs! (Nyello)

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Scientists say that time travel is imposible, but I have proven that theory wrong! Yes, I, Nyello, have successfully traveled back in time and so can you! All you have to do is put a clock in each room, then set each one one minute slower than the one in the room before it. Now walk from room to room! If you have read this whole thing, congradulations, you are an idiot. (Nyello)

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I have this really cool porn pic! I'll hold it up to the computer now! Wow, isn't that great? Shut-up! (Nyello)

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My problem is this: I originally had two alternate personalities living in my head, thriving off of the watermelon seed of life (Which I swallowed up). This watermelon seed enabled them to multiply and now I have ten personalities to the twenty eighth power living in my head. I can't even fit through the frickin' door-frame anymore! Hey, no, give me that keyboard back, Sven! I am Sven, the fifth personality, anouching that I shall now take over this pathetic body and . . . hey, no Mojo, let go of the HAHA! I AM MOJO, QUEEN OF ALL DUCKINESS! I SMITE YE, DOMINIC! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! mOJo, It'S mY tUrN to control THE huMaN!!!!!!!!!!! nobackforiamthepersonalitywhodosen'tknowhowtooperateakeyboardandisaythatcherriisbest Back, all of you, Weg is here to, hey, is that a swer> Ag WHT DFKHGKAafvaszfhSFHN dfxhmk--said the Travis. (Nyello)

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MY PARENTS ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CHEAP. ALL I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS WAS A CAR. DAMN PARENTS. (SQUEEGY1)