[Look back on it with melancholy, with disgust, or even with fondness--The Age of Alienation is thankfully coming to an end. The whole mess can be traced back to my earlier statement in which I said, "I love war." I'm paraphrasing, of course. So, no more bold or meek assertions will be made by me which could later be used to implicate myself. To begin my (surely short-lived) apathic stance on matters, you may notice that the name of this age was not my own idea. The "age" was suggested by Lavoris49, and has the interchangeable nickname of "The Age of Exclusion." For her involvement, she receives 15 tokens.]

[The first winner may or may not be original. No one tagged it, so how could there be complaints? Yet, since all the "greats" had to grow into the game, the general consensus is that a "newbie" is not capable of such a post his first time around. But, you know what? I don't care either way. 20 tokens to the new guy...or gal.]
Subj: The end of the world
From: Chriskolak
Well with the millinum upon us I thought I'd send in some headlines we can look foward to see when the big guy upstairs finaly desides he's had enough of us stupid mortals.

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS
WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE
COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH
OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.
TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE
APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture,
download software patch RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON-TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW
AVAILABLE !
(Chriskolak)

[One person who's originality is never much of a question also wins 20 tokens this week.]
Subj: What I want to be?
From: Nyello
When I was little, my teachers and my mom's friends would ask me "What do you want to do when you grow up?" and I'd tell them "I want to be a deadbeat with no life and I wanna devote all of my time to an online service and make semiwitty remarks in a contest oriented environment." And they would laugh and say that I was a funny little boy.

WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Nyello
All gophers drink their coffee black!

That Gorp, what a great guy.

"Well that explains why it didn't taste like an olive . . . "

[The three 25-token winners this week all have screennames that begin with "C." It may be coincidence.]
Subj: Re: MST3000
From: CortJstr
(XXkOsMoXx)
>> it was pointless and dumb. <<

you've finally caught on, welcome to the Random Game, as it should be

Less talk, more monkey!
* * * *
Subj: Re: {`;'} WHAT IF........
From: Curreo
Well, if our knees bent the other way, we just might evolve a reversal of buttcheek orientation as well. This would change sitting from a activity that happened in back of us to one that happened in front of us. But there is one problem, particularly for men.

There is a definite logistical problem with ... well.... copulation if one's buttcheeks are in front of one's legs. Would sitting cause impotence? Would it cut off circulation or just hurt like hell? Because of these logistical changes and because of our male-dominated society, sitting as we know it would have to change.

Most likely, the aristocratic upper class would make it seem "proper" to sit upside down, just as they promoted corsets, hair removal, and other painful but endurable activities. Chairs would resemble monkey-bars from which one would hang by one's knees, talking by means of arching the back or supporting on a cushion. Lower class people could obviously have no time for this, so they would just lie down on burlap blankets. Then, people would
throw off the oppressors and move to a New World where a Revolution would throw off chair dictators. And that's why I love America!!!
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Subj: Sometimes...
From: Carcazoid
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I ask myself, "Who am I?". Sometimes the mirror answers. It usually says, "How am I supposed to know. I'm only a mirror, dumbass". Sometimes my windshield wipers don't work. Last week I was going to work and I turned on the windshield wipers and they didn't work. Lucky for me it wasn't raining that day. Sometimes when it's raining, I like to take off my shoes and walk barefoot. But only indoors. I might catch
cold or something. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. Then the nurse reminds me to finish my jello before lights out. Sometimes I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Then I remember. Sometimes my mother invites me over for dinner. But not since the mashed potato incident. I don't want to talk about it. Sometimes talking things out is a good thing. Get it off your chest. Just don't bother me with it.
___________________________________
Carcazoid..."Is this thing on?"

["MagicClams' Cavalcade of Whimsy" has been around for longer than this past week. Although one post was singled out for tokens last week, I believe it is fair to award the thread as a whole. So, 30 tokens to MagicClams. Accepting the tokens on behalf of the thread are the following two entries.]
Subj: Re: MagicClams' Cavalcade of Whimsy
From: MagicClams
Who am I? I'm the man who rides alone....
No wait, that's the Lone Ranger....
NOTICE: Persons attempting to find a motive in this entry will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
* * * *
Subj: Re: MagicClams' Cavalcade of Whimsy
From: MagicClams
If a fatalist tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, is it surprised?
NOTICE: Persons attempting to find a motive in this entry will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

[Perhaps this is anti-climatic of me, but finishing off are the 10-token winners.]
Subj: dogs...legs...
From: BabyLamms
Dogs have more legs than I do.

BabyLamms
I 'm back and I feel cool.
* * * *
Subj: Lost Shoes
From: ARTochsen
As a former chief of security in a large federal building, I encountered some pretty strange incidents. One I'll never forget involved a lady who continuously gave all of us a hard time. But the time always comes when one can "get even". My time with her occurred when she called one day and reported that someone had stolen a pair of shoes from under her desk. When I got there to "investigate" I asked her if they were walking shoes or running
shoes. She fell right into my scheme by responding with "whatever difference does that make. I just want my shoes back." "Well, madam," I replied, "if they're walking shoes we can probably catch them. But if they're running shoes, they're probably long gone by now". We never had another problem with this lady.

ARTochsen
True story (her name was Adidas)
* * * *
Subj: History Lessen
From: MitchRK
Abraham Lincoln never knew it, but all of those people who told him not to go to the theater that night were time travellers. It turned out that it was not the time when he was assassinated. All these time travellers had faulty time navigation equipment on their time machines, and when they all left they erroneously thought they had changed history, because the next day they saw Lincoln running around still alive and still being the president.
Ironically, if it hadn't been for all those faulty time travellers nagging Lincoln not to go to the theater that night, and he really enjoyed the play immensely, he might have listened to the second set of time travellers who did get the date right and told Lincoln not to go to the theater the night he was assassinated. The second set of time travellers sounded much more intelligent, which they were, because they got the date right, but after
being told by so many supposed know-it-all's not to go and nothing bad having happened, Lincoln figured it was just another bunch of wise guys (and gals) trying to tell him what to do. It is also rather ironic that Lincoln did have a few doubts about going the night he was assassinated, and that he thought that if it happened again, he might just stay away from the theater for a while, but not that night.

The point is that time travel is not for dummies, no matter what that book says.

___________________
MitchRK
Life is like a box of cereal.

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Subj: 6/9/97 12:18 am Severna Park, MD 22146 USA
From: ScorpioAsh
If you think I'm the picture of mental health, you must be one crappy photographer.

* ~ScorpioAsh~*
poised, yet totally screwed up
just me, myself, and the voices that keep me awake
* * * *
Subj: Nursery Rhymes Revisited
From: Krazyk242
Hey diddle diddle. the cat and the fiddle.
who is Diddle Diddle? Is he the cat or the fiddle?
The cow jumped over the moon.
Don't tell me the cow just grew long legs.
The little dog laughed to see such sport
It's a sorry day when your dog laughs at you.
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
Are you sure this wasn't some hallucination brought on by LSD?

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
Well alcohol will do that to you.
and a merry old soul was he.
No kidding. Haven't we already established that?
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
So he's a smoking, bingeing bastard as well?
And he called for his fiddlers three.
What is it with nursery rhymes and fiddles?

Humpety Dumpety sat on a wall
How'd he get on the wall in the first place?
Humpety Dumpety had a great fall.
Well he shouldn't have been sitting on that wall, the stupid bastard.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
How the hell can they expect a horse to put the egg back together?
couldn't put Humpety together again
He was a stupid egg anyway.

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
yeah, my Mom makes me do that too
eating his Christmas pie
in June?
put in his thumb and pulled out a plumb
whoopee.
and said "What a good boy am I"
But that plumb don't pay the rent, Jack.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
another exciting nursery rhyme
His wife could eat no lean
a typical middle aged wife
and so between the two of them
only normal line in this whole nursery rhyme
they licked the platter clean.
I'm sure that wife did more than her share.

Old Mother Hubbard went to her cuppord
that our taxes paid for
to get her poor dog a bone
that our taxes also paid for
but when she got there the cuppord was bare
where was Jack Sprat's wife?
and so the poor dog had none.
Does the Humane Society know about this?

KRAZYK242
-------------------
So crazy the French declared me a genius

[Obviously, not everyone can win in a week, so there are bound to be many who feel excluded. Hopefully, however, I got through the week without alienating anyone.]