Okay children, take a deep breath. Feeling better? Well then exhale. How about now? See what happens when you keep your anger inside? It's just a "situation" waiting to happen, isn't it? Are we ready to move on to the winners now? Am I asking enough questions?

First winners this week are Repeatr621, Lavoris49, and USAmen. Repeatr gets 10 for his entries and an extra 5 for learning how to spell my screenname. Lav gets 5 for each of her 3 replies. And USAmen gets 15 for his one entry. In other words 15 tokens to each.
Subj: Re: Sometimes you feel old school.
From: Repeatr621
I wonder what it's like to get flushed down the toilet.
* * * *
Subj: Re: Sometimes you feel old school.
From: Repeatr621
I couldn't fit in the toilet. There goes that idea.
* * * *
Subj: Re: It's WAR!
From: Lavoris49
THE REASON MR "no" LINERS OVER HERE WITH YOU LAMERS IS BECAUSE HE COULD'NT TAKE THE PRESSURE - YOU KNOW TYPING IN UNDERSTANDABLE SENTENCES AND THE LIKE ->>

Do you mean he was using too many understandable sentences? Clarify?
* * * *
Subj: Re: Another Newbie
From: Lavoris49
>>Dawn is back on her medication and feels much better now, thank you.>>

Yea! Dawn's back! Let's all rejoice and get along! Please?

Do it for the molecules.

Would you get along if I'd take the blame for anything that ever
goes wrong here?

That's how my family solves all our problems, and it really doesn't bother me a bit.
* * * *
Subj: Re: Hi.
From: Lavoris49
Oh! And remember ditto sheets from grade school? Them copies had the funkiest smell. But we always sniffed 'em.>>

And that explains why all of us are playing The Random Game today.
* * * *
Subj: Victor Charlie
From: USAmen
I was buzzing up I-95 today when I saw this guy in the grass near the road wearing one of those flat cone-shaped straw hats (I don't know what they're called) that the peasant farmers always wear in those Vietnamese war movies. I did a double-take, because at first he looked like he was really rice farming or something. It turned out that he was just a road maintance guy with a strange sense of fashion
picking up litter with one of those pointy sticks. I couldn't help thinking that it would be funny if some Vietnam veteran truckdriver came by and had a violent flashback and flattened the guy with his rig. Yep, that sure would have been funny.

Next, 10 tokens go to The Kat 4u and to LeonardABC for this extremely short thread, which I really felt would have been a more popular one.
Subj: stories of SATAN
From: The Kat 4u
ok, who's done the soul thing for cool stuff?
* * * *
Subj: Re: stories of SATAN
From: LeonardABC
>>ok, who's done the soul thing for cool stuff?<<

I have. I sold my soul for a basket of oranges. Because, you know, oranges are cool........

30 tokens go to MitchRK this week for the following posts and for his "Ransom Game" note which had just a little too much formatting to list it here.
Subj: Mu-sick
From: MitchRK
I'm thinking of applying for a grant from the NEA to compose a 45 minute symphony for solo triangle.

If I get it, my next piece will be a full hour concerto for dog whistle.
* * * *
Subj: Re: BORG
From: MitchRK
>>WE ARE BORG...RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.>>

When you assimilate, you make an ASS out of I, MILA, and TED.

I don't know who those other two are, but I can make an ass of myself just fine, thank you.
* * * *
Subj: Re: moron
From: MitchRK
>>How do you keep a moron in suspense?>>

WHEN IS SOMEONE GONNA ANSWER THIS??!!!!

The only 25-token winner this week is SGood42. I don't need an explanation as to why.
Subj: Re: Music
From: SGood42
I like playing Stairway on the piano. Makes me feel soulful.(Lav)

Wow how ironic cause i love to play my piano on the stairwa.....OH MY GOD WOOOaaahhhhhh...Thump Thump Thump..MY SHOE!...Thump Thump THUDDDDDD.......ow.....personal note try a lighter instrument
* * * *
Subj: Re: Goo's Life.....Please leave yours at the door.
From: SGood42
HEY DO YOU WANT FREE PORN? ARE YOU OVER 18? ARE YOU UNDER 18 BUT JUST HAPPEN TO BE LEFT ALONE FOR THE NIGHT BY YOUR PARENTS? ARE YOU ABLE TO SPELL YOUR NAME BACKWARD WHILE STANDING ON YOUR HEAD AND HAVING MARSHMELLOWS SHOVED DOWN YOUR THROAT? DO YOU LIKE GLADIATOR MOVIES?

WELL IF SO COME VISIT OUR NEW SITE WWW.HOWMANYLETTERSLONGCANAWEBADDRESSME.COM

WE HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED?
WE HAVE DRUNK GIRLS. DRUNK ANIMALS. DRUNK NUNS. DRUNK DRUNKS.

AND HEY DO YOU WANT ALL THIS FOR FREE? I THOUGHT SO.
WELL SORRY YOU CHEAP BASTARD CAUSE ALL THIS WILL ONLY CAUSE YOU $450 A MONTH....THATS RIGHT FOR ONE LOW PRICE YOU CAN GET ALL THESE AND MANY MORE! AND AS AN EXTRA GIFT WE WILL GIVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS OUT TO MILLIONS OF CONSUMERS WHO WILL SEND YOU JUNK MAIL EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR JUST FOR READING ENJOYMENT!

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? COME VISIT US NOW....

hmmm yea i think I would suck at doing this for a living....yea......i think so

Five more 10-token winners. I was going to make MephistoM and Lavoris49 share the tokens, but Lav's already got 15 this week so the full ten will go to MephistoM.
Subj: Things to Do With a Dead Cockroach: An IM conversation.
From: MephistoM
Lavoris49:Shake the jar and make it jump.
MephistoM:Put it in Coke and watch it slowly dissolve
Lavoris49:Tie it to a string and take it for a drag.
MephistoM:Make a diorama of a giant cockroach attacking the city
Lavoris49:Hit it with the telephone.
MephistoM:Sew little bits and pieces of bugs to it, send a huge electrical current through it, scream " IT'S ALIVE", and win the Nobel Prize for Science.
Lavoris49:Dress it in Barbie clothes.
MephistoM:Use it as a marionnet and stage a play
Lavoris49:Make it have a wedding with Ken.
MephistoM:Make them live together in marital bliss with a healthy sex life in the Barbie Dream House
* * * *
Subj: Re: Myrrh!
From: ScorpioAsh
my friend read this book once... this kid was born, and three old guys came to see him.. i think they were like, his grandparents or something.. dunno how that works.. maybe one was a gay couple and they adopted.. so maybe a couple were his adoptive gradparents. but anyway. yeah, the three guys came to this little barn the baby was born in. and they brought some stuff. gold i think. and definitely frankincense and myyrh. get it, myyrh???
* * * *
Subj: Re: Random Arrows
From: ArrowsDeja
Leave it to my dog to wait to the very end of summer to shed...and in a month he's gonna be complaining about how cold he is, whine, whine, whine stupid dog, "you got the wrong food, I need to pee, this toy tastes funny..." he just complains, complains.......ooops, I let out his secret, now I must beg for mercy.....
* * * *
Subj: Re: Mr Onliner's Cavalcade of Whimsy
From: Mr Onliner
If you've never felt the silky smooth feel of a needle against your thigh, well, you've never had a tetanus shot.
* * * *
Subj: Re: AHHHHHHHH!!
From: MrMrsStry
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a toots....ohh no wait this is a bar of soap....nevermind>>

Soap? For some reason my three year-old loves soap. She tried taking bites out of every bar in the house. I wonder what she could possibly be lacking in her diet to make her do that...

Just one winner of 20 tokens this week: TyleredOne. Her second post here really cracked me up. No reason, it just did.
Subj: Re: Head Ticks
From: TyleredOne
My friend ,Nora,plays on a womens softball team for the bar she works at. One day,they had to play against an entire team of people with Tourettes Syndrome.(You know,the disease that makes you twitch and yell obscenities for no reason.)
What makes this funny is that Nora and her team mates are all biker chicks.I wish I would've seen that game.
* * * *
Subj: words to live by
From: TyleredOne
1)NEVER take a 17 month old boy to an amusement park.
2)No matter HOW hard he cries,DONT buy him a whistle as you leave.
3)If you crank up a car stereo all the way,you can still hear a little boy with an annoying whistle in the back seat.

Last winner this week is Nyello. This is a no-brainer; he gets 30 tokens. Not only did he post the MagicClams Memorial, he posted it twice to be sure we read it. So here it is, posted once more your enjoyment (or once more to build up that inner hostility for not being included).
Subj: The MagicClams Memorial
From: Nyello
[Washington DC, 10:56 am, the MagicClams memorial is about to be dedicated. Random Gamers from across the coutry assemble to witness this historic event]

Carly: If this isn't as good as anticipated, I'm gonna go balistic.
Dawn: Shut up.
Carly: Oh . . . . oh yeah! Well . . . . well, I can beat you up!
Dawn: Yeah, right.
[Carly whips out an uzi and blows Dawn's head off. She tucks it away in her hand bag and non-chalantly walks away. Toca and Repeatr are talking about three yards away from Dawn's carcass]
Toca: You know, Magic and myself never really got along, but when he disapeared, I longed for his return.
Repeatr: Why?
Toca: The bastard owes me twenty bucks!
[Babylamms walks by Toca and Repeatr. She continues over to where Carly is standing alone, looking around nervously]
Baby: Why so nervous?
Carly: Don't you remember last time there was a long post with me in it? How I was killed five minutes into it?
Baby (bitterly): No, I would have to be in it in order to remember.
Carly: Well, four and half minutes have gone by and I fear for my life!
Baby: There's nothing to worry about!
[Carly's head falls off]
Baby: 5 minutes, three seconds; a new record!
[Cort is standing in front of the yet-to-be unveiled monument. He takes a quick peak under the tarp when he thinks no one is looking]
Caie: What do you think you're doing?
Cort (startled): Umm . . . . I thought it was the restroom?
[Krazy and Mr O are chatting a few feet away]
Mr O: . . . . so then I says to 'em "Hey, get off my cieling fan!" Ha ha ha ha!
Krazy: Mr O, will you ever cease to amuse me?
[Lav walks over, throws Mr O over her shoulder and begins walking away with him]
Mr O: Well, uh, gotta go. Talk to you later!
[Caie comes over and strikes up a conversation with Krazy]
Caie: Who does she think she is?
Krazy: She must think she's me!
Caie: No . . . . me!
Krazy: Bitch!
[They begin to have a cat fight. Kos eagerly watches while munching on pop-corn]
Kos: Rip off her shirt!
[Caie and Krazy stop fighting and stare at Kos. They, instead, beat up Kos. Mal and HO Myrrh are now where Caie and Cort had their little exchange]
Mal: Why so glum, Ms. Myrrh?
HO Myrrh: Please, call me HO. On second thought, don't.
Mal: Why do you look so sad?
HO Myrrh: I've been recieving all these obscene threats lately and I fear for my life.
Mal: You must be very upset!
HO Myrrh: Yes I am. Oh look! A silver dollar!
[When HO Myrrh bends over to pick up the coin, Mal pulls a butcher knife and raises it above her head, a psycotic look on her face. HO Myrrh comes back up quickly and Mal holds the knife behind her back]
HO Myrrh: Wow, a Susan B. Anthony dollar, too! Um, Mal, what's behind your back?
Mal: Uh . . . . a knife.
HO Myrrh: Why are you holding a knife?
Mal: To . . . . mortally wound . . . . . you.
HO Myrrh: Um . . . . . I have to go.
[HO Myrrh runs away. Baldy comes over and hits on Mal]
Baldy: What do you think the odds of a guy like me and a girl like you--
[Mal stabs him to death]
Baldy: Well, can I still call you?
[Ash and Jlbkwrm are talking with Dante and MephistoM about the new monument]
Dante: From what I hear, it's supposed to be a statue of Magic in his wheelchair with his dog Fala.
Ash: Isn't that what the Roosevelt Monument was supposed to look like?
Dante: Oh yeah . . . . .
Jl: Actually it's supposed to be Clammy, a tablet in one hand, a torch in the other--a glorious beacon to incoming imagrants!
MephistoM: Jl, that's the Statue of Liberty.
[Carc walks onto the platform right next to the Memorial. He clears his throat and speaks into the microphone]
Carc: Friends, Randomers, Cancers on this fair game, lend me your ears!
[Three detached ears are throw at Carc]
Carc: I can't honestly say that I didn't expect that. Anyway, MagicClams was a great man, a leader, a crustation; a true Random Gamer, through and through. His Cavalcade of Whimsy was--and still is--one of the most long-lived posts of all time. And he owes a few of us money.
Conade: ROCK ON!!!!
Carc: I'd rather not in public.
[Long, awcward silence]
Carc: Ummmm . . . . . . okay. And now for the moment you've all been waiting for! The unveiling of the MagicClams Memorial!!!!
[Crowd applaudes. Carc pulls off the tarp to reveil a statue of a large oyster sitting at a computer. The crowd stops applauding]
Goo: What the hell is that?!
Kellie: I want my money back!
Carc: You never paid in the first place. And don't blame me, blame the sculptor!
[Everyone turns around and stares at HO Chicago]
Chicago: Sorry . . . . .
[Lightning strikes Chicago dead. The crowd cheers]
Carc: Thank you Clammy!
Magic's voice from the sky: No problem! Hey, I can do this to whoever I want!
[Bolts of lightning rain down from the sky, killing everyone there except for Nyello]
Nyello: Hey, someone has to wrap up the post!

That's all this week. I just want to take this opportunity to say--I didn't even say "I want a war" or "I like fighting" at anytime this week. Well, alright, I said it once, but I was joking. Anyway, I think this more than proves that past wars were not, in fact, my fault. So nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. (Did I spell that right?)